lostnfound1961

In his vast denial, my alcoholic husband keeps saying his drinking doesn't hurt me. I have tried to tell him it does but can't seem to fined the right words to explain who he becomes when he is drunk. We had set a date of my birthday to decide if we should call the atterneys and he was good for about two days, then all went back to the way it was and here I sit crying.
I just feel sick.

Lilyflower

Hey, sorry to hear your so miserable today.

Did you share your feelings with AH when he was sober? If your husband can't understand what you go through when he drinks when he is sober and listening whole heartedly, I don't think you'll ever get him to understand. It could be that he has so much guilt over what he puts you through that he is passing it over as nothing. Perhaps he cannot face and accept what his drinking is doing to you. Has he worked on this step in/outside of any AA meetings? Its a huge thing for an A to face the consequences of their actions. They have to face the fact that they are causing pain to people they care about.

lostnfound1961

He has barly admited he has a problem. In the last few months it has gotten WAY out of hand. He is bringing home a half case or more every night and if he go's to a bar.... He gambles a ton of money.
"Heavy Sigh"

ARealLady

I have tried to tell him it does but can't seem to fined the right words to explain who he becomes when he is drunk.

I hear you. I told him my truths when he was sober but his usual response was irritation (truth hurts!) and he asked me if I was done with the lecture. Then he'd twist everything and throw it back at me when he was drunk. There is never a good time when you are trying to reason with an A.

((((((Hope)))))))

What do YOU want? You can make choices too.

ARL

LaTeeDa

In my experience, as long as he is active in his addiction, he will remain convinced that he is hurting no one but himself. The only A's I have ever known to admit their actions affect others are those who have found recovery.

L

WLDKATZ

I am leaving always works for me, but then that is me.

lostnfound1961

I just don't understand why I am so weak. There is this big part of me that hopes we can have our life back (the life I love) but the other part of me knows that will never happen. I even dream about it. What I can't say in words happends in my dreams. My nightmares. The feelings become actions and I wake feeling spent and sad. I think I'll just go home sick today. I need to be alone for a while.

queenteree

(((lostnfound1961))) So sorry about what you are going thru. Your above post describes exactly how I feel and how I wake up cause like your AH, mine just doesn't get it. And I had him sober for 3 months just recently after rehab, and had a taste of how good it can be. Very depressing. Maybe I'll just go home sick today too. I am soooo depressed also.

hmbld

That is the worst isn't it? Sometimes I think it would be better if they just stayed the drunken a-hole and never showed any sign of decency. Makes decisions easier when it comes to moving on.

denny57

There is a huge similarity in the denials. The alcoholic wants to believe there isn't a problem and live and drink like "normal' people. I wanted to believe things would get better if I just got HIM to understand and then we'd live like normal people.

The day I finally got this concept it was like lightening striking. If I would not change, why on earth did I think someone else (chemically impaired) would?

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through; I remember it well.

Janitw

Maybe if you show him the math part of his addiction.......some men are very practical thinkers and this may have some impact.......my XAH didn't care about the math but some do. Take the cost of the 6 or 12 pack x 7 days x 365 days in the year x the number of years he's been doing this and WOW what a number it comes out to...not to mention the cost of the gasoline and $ spent gambling and maybe extra cigs if he smokes more during a normal drinking session.....

So sorry you are hurting hun. Keep posting ok.

ARealLady

some men are very practical thinkers and this may have some impact

XABF did the math himself. One more reason why he continues to drown his sorrows. The figures ARE frightening!

ARL

hadenoughnow

I know there is nothing I can say to my AH that will stop him from drinking. All I can do is go forward with my plans to divorce him and hope for his sake and our son's that he finds sobriety.

Pick-a-name

I'm so sorry for how you are feeling..........it still creeps up sometimes for me,too.

Actually, I just sent a modified email version of this to exAH regarding our 25y son. Left the subject of drinking out,etc but really it concerns a problem that is really the result of the ISMs,etc. and the effects his drinking and behaviors have had on son (and all of us). I did not even "go there"....why waste my energy? Different from the past,I did not try to make him see my point, I said "this is the way I see it, and decide for yourself what you want to do with the information,and you two do the work to figure it out,if you want to".

I try to spare us all the frustration.... I used to think if I said just the "right thing" in the "right way" he would finally understand and WANT to get help,quit and go back to "normal". It annoyed him and about broke my heart. I did not know the hold addiction had on his thinking and he does not know it yet.

lostnfound1961

Well... so much for that idea, one of my co-workder is real sick and just went home. I'll just keep plugging away, I'm sure I will feel better soon. Besides, I can't go burrying my head in the sand each time I don't feel good.
D

spinner

I videotaped my abf when he was drunk and showed it to him when he was sober.

Spinner

minnie

You know how we say to watch the A's actions, not listen to the words? The same goes for us as well.

In hindsight, I know that berating my ex with the facts, as I saw them, only provided him with an excuse to drink. Not only did I give something else to blot out, but I taught him that my words without action were no threat to his lifestyle. He could listen to me whilst thinking "blah, blah, blah" and then carry on as before. The price of a bit of nagging was easy to pay in comparison to stopping drinking.

The fact of the matter is, if you don't like how you are living, then it is down to you to do something about it. I know that sounds harsh and beyond the realms of possibility, however what's the alternative? More of the same?

BTW, if someone told me, however obliquely, that my actions were causing them pain, I would be mortified. If I told someone, bluntly, that their actions were hurting me and they didn't get it at all, they would not have the right to share my life.

ARealLady

BTW, if someone told me, however obliquely, that my actions were causing them pain, I would be mortified. If I told someone, bluntly, that their actions were hurting me and they didn't get it at all, they would not have the right to share my life.

That's something I keep telling myself too. Thank you!

ARL

GiveLove

That's what we should all keep telling ourselves, ARL.

It's not rocket science: "Your behavior is hurting me" is not even a complex sentence. If someone refuses to get it, then you should strongly reconsider being with them. If someone is UNABLE to get it, you have a similar problem...but maybe they can if they're willing to admit there's a problem.

If they completely deny that there's any problem, and you're making it all up in your head, and oh what an inconvenience why don't you just shut up....

...start making a plan. This is a waste of life. We don't have that many years on this planet, and it could all end tomorrow. Staying in a situation like that indefinitely is a waste of time and life and love.

Just my humble opinion, all of it. It just breaks my heart, is all.

Hugs,
GL

thelightdawns

That's funny, my ABF freely admits that he hurts pretty much everyone around him, especially me. He is still active. What does that say about him.