dakota69

Hello all. I am new, but have been reading what you all have to say for the past week or so. I have recently left my AH. He is not a bad person, or a mean drunk. But he is an alcoholic. We will have been married 3 years this November. We have been together for close to 10. It was just this year that I truly recognized he is an alcoholic. He drinks every night. Never drinks during the day, just in the evening after work. He has been a very high functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic nonetheless.

A few months ago I finally acknolwedged what I had known for a long time, which is that he is an alcoholic and that I'm not happy. I told him this. He promised to cut back on the drinking. He promised to do all kinds of other things to improve our marriage.

We went back and forth a number of times - him making promises, him breaking promises...on and on and on...

Eventually he hit what I had hoped would be his rock bottom when he got so drunk at his company golf tournament that he fell and broke his knee.

Once he was off the pain medication, I told him that he would need to seek professional help and stop drinking otherwise I would leave for good. He agreed.
He didn't do it.
Again and again we went around the circle.

I finally left almost 2 weeks ago. I left town for a week just to get away. I am in a hotel room and have been reading all your posts all day long.
I love him. I miss him.
I don't want to be married to an alcoholic. We don't have children. I want children very badly. But he continued to drink behind my back each evening. Not a lot, but that wasn't the point. He did it.

So...now I've left and am out of town 'escaping' reality for a week and know that I have to go back home next week and deal with reality.
He has sent me messages telling me that he's gone to a 12 step program and is going to do anything and everything he can to get help.
I don't think I can do it any longer though. I don't want to be waiting the rest of my life for him to 'slip up' and be drinking again. I don't honestly beleive he will stop drinking becuase I don't honestly beleive that he truly recognizes he has a problem.

I'm not sure how to go home and continue to be strong and proceed on the path I have started. We will have to sell our house, buy our own places, etc. I don't know how I can make it through when every time I get a message from him I break down and start crying and want to run back to him.

You are all very inspirational to me, yet, reading through all your stories, I'm scared for what I'm up against. But I have hope. I have hope for a new and happier life. I just don't know how I can hold on to my strength to keep on my path. But I hope. Hope isn't going to be enough. I will need a lot more strength than just hope can offer.

I am not a patient person by nature. And this process dragging on and on will be difficult for me. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. And the guilt I have for leaving him...it's tough. Really really tough. I kinow I will eventually be ok and happy. But what about him? If I knew he would be ok, it would be a lot easier. He doesn't have the support I have. His mother is an alcoholic, the rest of his family have become experts at 'sweeping it under the rug', and he has withdrawn from all his friends as they have grown up and moved on with their lives, while we have stayed still, not growing, not moving forward, mostly becuase of the alcoholism...

I just want to say thanks for the inspiration you all have given me today. Today I feel strong. But I also recognize that today I am escaping reality. Next week I will have to face it again and I hope that I will find the same inspiration from you all at that time.

So thank you all.
And here's to hoping...:praying

Barbara52

Welcome dakota69. Sorry you are going thru this.

Have you considered telling him you want no contact with him for a while? That's what I did when I left. I needed the time to heal a bit, to start feeling like my old self again.

hadenoughnow

((dakota))

Just remember the 3C's and that him being ok is not dependent on you staying or leaving, do what's best for YOU

dakota69

Thank you Barbara and Hadenoughnow!
I do keep trying to remind myself over and over that I am not responsible for him or his actions/reactions...it's hard...it's going to be a long hard road.

I did tell him that we needed to break off communication while I went away for a bit. He did that for the first few days, but then sent me a message just becuase he wanted 'to say hi and tell me he missed me and tell me he's gone to a 12 step program'. I, of course, responded telling him how happy I was he was going to seek help, but regardless, we were still going to have to sell the house when I get home and move forward. It's like I have to keep saying it out loud to him over and over becuase I'm not sure if he really gets it and I'm hoping he won't fight me on it.

Sometimes I just hope he would go through that 'angry' stage and just be mad at me. Then it would make it easier and it would make it easier for me to be angry with him. Right now I'm just sad, not angry. If I was angry I would have some strength to go along with it.

Thanks for feedback! I appreciate it a lot!! I have a lot of support around me, but no one who truly understands what it feels like. It helps to even have random internet strangers becuase at least I know you all understand what it feels like.

Thank you.

keepingmyjoy

dakota....I could have written your post myself! I just told my AH I am leaving. It is really hard to face the realities of splitting up. We just need to take care of ourselves the best we can and I wish you the best in your choices! So glad you are here!

daisies

Dakota 69, I am in the same exact spot as you and I do not want to wait for the other shoe to drop and him to start drinking again. I will never know for sure when he will start again. Is this how I want to live. My AH is the same as yours, drinks after work, never is physical to me, but it has caused a lot of problems. We have children and that is the reason that I have stayed. I have been patient for over 14 years and I just dont have it in me anymore. I am tired of this. This is not the way that I envisioned my life to be.

I got to AlAnon and read SR daily to get me through.
They say that you will know when the time is right and I believe them. The time for me is now to leave and start living for ME.

Please keep posting.

queenteree

Dakota - I could have written your thread myself also. Seems the A's don't really realize what they put us thru (or rather, what "we" put ourselves thru). It is hard, really hard, when you love someone, and inspite of the fact that I claim I no longer love my AH, I can admit that deep down I do, always will, as most of us here will tell you. I can't seem to find the strength to leave right now for reasons you stated above. Instead I chose to stay (coming up w/this today) and live upstairs/downstairs and if and when he gets tired of it, he will file for divorce. That way would probably be alot easier on me. My thoughts are with you. I pray for your strength.

dakota69

Wow...it's amazing how many people are out there. It's so sad, but it's so wonderful to know you're all there and feeling the same things.
THanks for all the thoughts and wishes. I'll definitely be sticking around here a little while!!
Thanks

Lilyflower

Keep strong Dakota, let us know how things go. Don't let him guilt trip you when you get home. xxxxxxxxx

DetachMe9

I am living your situation right this very minute. I hope for you (and myself) everything you wrote.

MsPINKAcres

for you, Dakota and the others who have posted that are in similiar situations - sending out good thoughts & prayers for all of you -

Going to Al-Anon meetings, reading recovery literature, posting on SR, taking with other recovery people, working the 12 steps and talking with my HP - these are the things that help me cope with the stresses that come with having alcoholics/addicts in my life - praying that those things will help you too.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Janitw

Hello Dakota and again welcome to SR. You are at the very beginning stages of a life with your alcoholic husband in my opinion.....they say it takes 5 years to adjust to life after you get married. (Even tho you stated 10 years). I have to commend you for recognizing that he has a problem at all. Alot of us didn't realize this for years after we were married to them. And then by that time we most likely had children and then that only added more guilt and stress. And also some of us were trapped by their incomes as they were the main bread winner of the family. It's not going to easy and my heart goes out to you.....stay strong and keep posting.

Marble

I just wanted to say well done you for being brave enough to take those steps you have already when you knew you should. be strong and try to keep your reasons solid in your mind so that you can have faith in the actions you take and the choices you make.

I have been so close to doing what you have this week and TBH i probably would have if i didnt have a daughter.

wishing you hope and love
x M