hbb

Hi all

This topic has been weighing on my mind ALL day. Why do I constantly seek validation from every person in my life? It's like i don't have a mind of my own and that maybe it's a low self esteem issue. I've been working on that with my therapist but like addiction, it doesn't change/appear over night.

For some reason, i've been trying and trying not to start another thread which is crazy because that's what this site is for. But i feel and know i've beaten a dead horse with this topic in my life. It's just as i start to take 2 steps forward SOMETHING happens to knock me down. I am fully aware that it is a part of life and it happens and i'm not the only one that got cheat on/dumped by their A.

I'm not going to lie, i've been very very sad since last Saturday when I found out my XA was back with his exgf that he went away with while we were together and i can't shake the sadness. On top i had that issue with the death in his family and how to handle it. I'm serious when i say that i don't see a healthy future with us but can't get out of my head that "they got exactly what they wanted" at the expense of me and it's okay to go through life doing that to others.

My family has been wonderful but for those in my life that can't relate to the mind of an addict i'm alone. My roommate and brother don't understand because neither one of them have dealt with addiction. I have STOPPED asking any questions about my X as it won't make me feel any better because hearing that he wasn't doing great before didn't validate anything for me.

I know we all experience bumps in the road but over the weekend i admitted to my mom that losing J was maybe my one and only shot at a future with someone and how sad is that. I would have settled for the wrong type of person when i do know i deserve and have worked sooooo hard for a nice, healthy, happy future.

What are some tips to validate myself instead of being doom and gloom around my friends and family? I don't want to be that person anymore because it has been a while and i also feel the less i talk about him the better and quicker i will heal.

Thanks for listening and sorry it was longer than expected

Jerzy007

"But I feel and know that i've been beating a dead horse with this topic in my life"

Aye hbb, you could've used this funny image with that sentence:horse lol
You will get that healthy relationship with someone special and remeber to add value and try to help your friends and family. I am a selfish Addict who's only God given gift and chance and remaining clean is to think about serving another person when im feeling down about the present circumstances in my life. Im happy to hear that you do have friends and family. Right now i dont have any famly living close by but i think i did finally make a friend who is also my sponsor. Im also grateful that you have a therapist to help you through this tough time. How have you grown since seeing your therapist and is there any quotes or sayings that you can share with some of us (especially those who dont have benefits or money to see one) that may help us with out Coda, Addiction problems?

keepingmyjoy

hbb, when I went thru alot of this with 1st husband, (obviously did not get very far in my healing back then), alot had to do with my thoughts. For many years, I lived life as a victim. A "victim of" domestic violence, alcoholic, wacko religion etc. I got to a point that I had to decide if I wanted to be a victim the rest of my life, or did I want to find happiness? I had to change how I thought of myself and what I experienced. I only wish I completed the process back then, cause maybe I would not be here today.

(and just so that you understand where I am coming from and that I truly know how awful you feel: my exAH (1st one) cheated on me with my best friend right after I had my daughter and right under my exhausted nose! She was so helpful by coming over all the time etc. It was an awful time since it was all my fault he had the affair, if only you had been a better wife.....blah blah blah-yeah right!)

We will find real love one day....lets work on ourselves and be ready for it!

CBrown

Heather, don't apologize for posting. If it takes a thousand posts for you to get to peace with this, post away! Whatever it takes for you to get over your addiction to him, do it!

I am going to strongly encourage you to get and read "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person." Did you buy it yet? It really helped me and brought me peace! And you know how riled up I was only a couple weeks ago about my XABF! I wore a rubber band around my wrist for a couple weeks (it's in the book) snapping it constantly, read the whole book, and really learned some possible reasons why I have hung on to R all these years.

I'm telling you, it's worth a try! But I've BEEN THERE TOO, and it is a hellish road! Hugs and prayers, my sister in recovery!!!

denny57

Practice validations in front of the mirror. Get up in the morning, stare at yourself in the mirror and give yourself credit. Some suggestions:

I am a beautiful person worthy of love and affection.
I will have all that I want in my life and more.
I am kind, giving and loving and will attract the same.

What ones can you think of?

Barbara52

I always thought this sort of thing was, well, rather silly. Until I tried it myself. It truly does help to say positive things to ourselves, especially I think when we are used to seeking approval/validation from others.

Another tool I have found very helpful is visualizations. Try picturing yourself (as vividly as possible) as the person you want to see yourself become. Do it anytime you start falling into old patterns. With practice, you start acting and thinking the way you want to be, step by step and bit by bit.

denny57

If it feels awkward at first, do it while you're blow drying your hair or putting on your makeup, whatever you do in front of a mirror. Have a conversation with yourself. No put downs permitted.

hbb

Jerzy - thank you so much for the kind words. My therapist has been great as she knows about addiction and says how unhealthy he is for me and that I need to focus on my goals and happiness and stop giving him that "space" in my head.

Keeping - I'm so sorry that happened to you with your x and your best friend. It blows my mind how some people just go ahead and don't even think twice about cheating. I know what you mean about the "victim" and i'm hoping to control that as i'm the last one that seeks attention. Usually just an open ear, but lately any open ear

Anvil - Thanks for the balloons! I don't think i've got them in a long time Your post was so uplifting, i'm working on me which is a weird concept as i've always focussed on who ever BUT me. I can't even tell you how exactly the same i was/am with friends if they don't call me back.......THEY ARE PISSED OFF AT ME!!! I always would think like that, but then i stopped and thought about it. My friends pretty much ALL have families and why would they be mad at me!!! But i so relate to that lack of esteem, i am believe it or not getting better.... hey hey none of this
it's true lol!!!!!!

CB - thanks for that book information, i'm going to go to find it. I really think i could use an elastic these days!!

hbb

Denny - i'm embarrassed even being by myself!!! I'll try it tomorrow morning actually funny you mention that, my therapist said i should print out or get a book on daily affirmations. I'll give it a shot. You asked what i could say, i guess it might be that i'm looking better in my clothes as i'm down 31 lbs

Barbara - Oh i definately try to see myself as how i would like to be. I have that vision, actually have had it for ALOT of years. I want to live comfortably with a home, and family and a cat And i keep telling myself that i could still do some of those things like set goals for myself if i should be by myself for a while. Getting comfy in my own skin is my challenge as we speak!

denny57

ok, instead of "I'm looking better," try "I look hot!!!!!!" Of course, if I'm looking better is where you start, that's good LOL!

embraced2000

i used to do this, denny! and it works. at first, it felt real awkward and silly. then, i started visualizing myself in the mirror as myself as a little girl that i needed to nurture.

it works everyone....give it a try.

hbb

LOL ok Denny, now your stretching!!!!

MsGolightly

in my opinion, not only is it a low self-esteem issue, but it's also from feeling invalidated by others in your past (if this is a long-term thing for you and not something that just came up after your relationship with your ex)... always trying and never quite making it, or just never being recognized for the good things you do... so you spend the rest of your life wanting to show others how much you really are worth.

i wouldn't worry too much about this being your last shot at having a relationship or getting married in the future! you're still young and could still have a 50 year-long relationship! you're not as old as you think you are.

guineapigjude

First off, you rock, Jason (even for a Yankees fan! ) Get to the library and read Codependent No More, if you haven't already. It's been a big help for me.
Heather, I used to obsess about XAH, and about what was wrong with me til I nearly went bonkers. Then I started to make a list of all the rotten things he did to me over the course of our relationship, addiction related or not. It was amazing how much I had buried deep in denial, and over time how much the list took on a life of it's own! Then I made a list of all the good, healthy, positive things about our relationship ... and it turned out that in reality there wasn't much to put on the list. Most of my "good" memories were as much denial as the stuff I blocked out.
Then I made an honest list of the rotten things I did to XAH, and another, totally honest, of the positive, healthy things I did during our relationship. Wow! Our lists were flip flopped! I could physically see that I was not an ogre, and that, while I made my share of mistakes, it was not about me.
Lately I have been listing all the things I liked about me with XAH and without him. Guess what? There is nothing different on the lists! The positive stuff about me exists without XAH, and I've managed to let go of alot on my rotten list since we split.
So when I get down about XAH, or start feeling like a victim, or generally get down on myself, I whip out the lists.
Remember, we are not victims ~ we are survivors!!!

Barbara52

That's not quite what I was thinking. I'm thinking more in terms of visualizing yourself as someone who is self confident, doesn't need anyone else to provide validation, someone who is happy in life as it is. For me to add expectations of a home and family (even a cat) is to start putting limits on the type of person I am, putting power in the hands of some un-named other (that person who helps you form that family). I am thinking visualizing yourself as you want you to be, not anything external.

hbb

Oh, my mistake, i was thinking along the lines of things around me. Yes i agree, i am trying to work on me and building self confidence and happiness within me. I've been one way for so long (people pleaser) that now finding out who i really am is soooo confusing. That blank wall that i see is slowly coming down and filling in with more happiness and colors.

denny57

I like this - and taking it one step further - if I make externals what I visualize, I will seek them and will always be the same me. I've had to learn to stop saying I'll be happy if or when. The truth is I'm happy just to be.

Good luck hbb!

hbb

Thank you Denny, one day at a time right?!! I can't wait for the day i can truly look in the mirror and be happy to just be but i'll get there for sure!

gns

hi HBB,

I don't know if this helps, but I feel very much like you describe.

I have been going to therapy and doing EMDR (kinda like a very mild distraction technique/mini hypnosis) to help tap into your subconscious. I found for me the need for validation stems from this "inner child" belief that REALLY, inside I am an golem gnome (like in lord of the rings) that comes from childhood suppressed anger/self-hatred. I think I have re-created my childhood with my ex and wanted him to finally validated me and love me.

I think going to family of origin, childhood issues is truly the way to heal from this -inside out healing.

Wascally Wabbit

I honestly admit that every man I met wtih the exception of the last one, I felt like I had to be validated by THEM. It's a trait of an ACOA.
Well, much alanon later, and the last guy I met was different. I didn't live in denial, I looked at him for what he really was, and felt great that I didnt' feel codependant with him. Instead of hanging on to someone who was no good for me, I recognized his faults were greater than I could live with and parted with him.
It felt good, I was in control of myself for a change.
Thanks alanon, and SR for helping me get to this point.