I just feel like an idiot
DeniseH
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Iowa
Posts: 33
I just feel like an idiot
Thanks to you all for your replies on my previous thread, I so appreciate it!
I have signed up for a cancer support group and that is helping somewhat on that aspect. And I am trying this online support for the other. I have checked around and there is NO support group for naranon in my area at all, the closest one that I found is like 3 1/2 hours away. I can try alanon again but I am thinking I will go out of town and try a different one than what is in my small town. I really didn't get much out of the one where I live. The only thing is that it was convient, a couple blocks from my house. He would go to aa and I would go to alanon. I am also going to schedule something with our priest.
I just feel like such an idiot for falling for it all again. When he first went to jail this last time, I did file for divorce. It got so mixed up and he was transferred here and there, we would go to serve him papers where he was at to find that they moved him again, so we did that for several weeks. Then we were just waiting for him to get sentenced so he would stay put somewhere, well then they sent him one place and then bam, moved him again. So, of course by that time my steam had run out and he was communicating so well...Then, I got sick so that was that and I dropped everything, couldn't handle both things at once. There are just so many things that are different this time and so many similarities that I just get so confused. Maybe that is his plan, I don't know.
My best friends daughter got married last weekend - all three of our kids were in the wedding. I stewed and freaked myself out for weeks over the reception. Worried about how he would do with alcohol, I didn't want to leave him at home by himself either because they I would have freaked out about that. So, finally I just figured, well come what may....By the time I got home from the church dropping the kids off for pictures, then to get ready myself - he was hopped up on something. I was just livid through the whole evening - but he didn't drink....that is all he could say...anyway, we got home from the reception and I finally fell asleep and of course I woke up a couple hours later and he was gone - didn't see him again until the next evening. Didn't say a word to anyone, just walked into the house and went to bed. His mom called on Monday to see how it went - I had confided to her that I was nervous about alcohol being served and if how he would handle that - well, I lied to her - I cannot believe it - actually, she asked if he drank anything and I said no - because he didn't - then she said, did everything go ok - I just said yes and changed the subject. I cannot bear to tell them the truth.
The thing is that since I have been sick and he has been home - he has never treated me the way he is now. Cold, distant and will not touch me in any way. Finally yesterday I couldn't take it any more - during church that morning he wouldn't even look at me - so like a dork, I broke down and cried and asked him why he hated me so much. He looked so stunned when I asked him that, and replied oh honey, I don't hate you...
So, is it the guilt he has about using again or what in the heck is going on?
I have signed up for a cancer support group and that is helping somewhat on that aspect. And I am trying this online support for the other. I have checked around and there is NO support group for naranon in my area at all, the closest one that I found is like 3 1/2 hours away. I can try alanon again but I am thinking I will go out of town and try a different one than what is in my small town. I really didn't get much out of the one where I live. The only thing is that it was convient, a couple blocks from my house. He would go to aa and I would go to alanon. I am also going to schedule something with our priest.
I just feel like such an idiot for falling for it all again. When he first went to jail this last time, I did file for divorce. It got so mixed up and he was transferred here and there, we would go to serve him papers where he was at to find that they moved him again, so we did that for several weeks. Then we were just waiting for him to get sentenced so he would stay put somewhere, well then they sent him one place and then bam, moved him again. So, of course by that time my steam had run out and he was communicating so well...Then, I got sick so that was that and I dropped everything, couldn't handle both things at once. There are just so many things that are different this time and so many similarities that I just get so confused. Maybe that is his plan, I don't know.
My best friends daughter got married last weekend - all three of our kids were in the wedding. I stewed and freaked myself out for weeks over the reception. Worried about how he would do with alcohol, I didn't want to leave him at home by himself either because they I would have freaked out about that. So, finally I just figured, well come what may....By the time I got home from the church dropping the kids off for pictures, then to get ready myself - he was hopped up on something. I was just livid through the whole evening - but he didn't drink....that is all he could say...anyway, we got home from the reception and I finally fell asleep and of course I woke up a couple hours later and he was gone - didn't see him again until the next evening. Didn't say a word to anyone, just walked into the house and went to bed. His mom called on Monday to see how it went - I had confided to her that I was nervous about alcohol being served and if how he would handle that - well, I lied to her - I cannot believe it - actually, she asked if he drank anything and I said no - because he didn't - then she said, did everything go ok - I just said yes and changed the subject. I cannot bear to tell them the truth.
The thing is that since I have been sick and he has been home - he has never treated me the way he is now. Cold, distant and will not touch me in any way. Finally yesterday I couldn't take it any more - during church that morning he wouldn't even look at me - so like a dork, I broke down and cried and asked him why he hated me so much. He looked so stunned when I asked him that, and replied oh honey, I don't hate you...
So, is it the guilt he has about using again or what in the heck is going on?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you have alot on your plate.i am sorry u have to go thru all of this. i would not lie or sugar coat the truth about him to anyone.if they ask they r wanting to know.with my addict son i do not ask & do not want to know.i have learned that i am powerless & can do nothing to help him. i pray for him everyday & turn him over to my H.P. you can not do anything to help your addict. read "what addicts do"at the top of the forum even if have read it before.take care of yourself & keep coming back. an addict has to love themself before than can love anyone esle.it is not you,it is him.prayers for you both,hope
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