his recovery friends

Old 10-22-2007, 02:23 AM
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Exclamation his recovery friends

For the last 2 years, my husband has been in and out of AA, and has only managed a month or two of sobriety at a time. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore, and asked him to leave. He went into an inpatient drug and alcohol aversion program. After he completed the program, he came home. I really want my relationship to work. He says this time is different. He seems happier and like he's really changing. I should be very happy right now, but I'm having a tough time. First, after seeing him go back to using so many times, I'm on edge all the time. I can really see the difference rehab has made in him, but I'm irritable (which I know can't be helping him) and feel anxious and beat up. The other thing is, he spends a lot of time talking with/texting his recovery friends. That in itself is good, but it seems like he's really sneaky/secretive about it... just like he was with his drinking/using! His phone was with me when a woman he went to rehab with responded to a text message in which he had written "I love you". I mean, "I love you"??? C'mon! As much as I know in my head it's probably as a result of their experience together, and as much as I'd like to have faith in him, I'm just marinating in all this poison... help me!
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Old 10-22-2007, 03:04 AM
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Welcome to SR Spring11. Glad to have you here.

Originally Posted by Spring11 View Post
...he's really sneaky/secretive about it... just like he was with his drinking/using!

His phone was with me when a woman he went to rehab with responded to a text message in which he had written "I love you". I mean, "I love you"??? C'mon!
Hmmmm...well, from what I've read here, it's not uncommon for people to form bonds with others they were in rehab with. It's also not uncommon for men and women to form closer bonds either. I believe, and someone can correct me if I'm wrong, that it's referred to as 13th Stepping.

As a woman working my own recovery, I know that the right thing for me to convey here is that you should let him focus on his recovery, and you should focus on yours. Meaning, have you given Alanon a try yet? Alanon is for people who's lives have been affected by someone else's drinking. The focus is put on 'you' and the steps you can works towards within yourself for a more peaceful life.

As such, this would include keeping your hands off of your husband's recovery....not checking up on him, not reading his text messages, not keeping track of who he talks to, what or how many meetings he goes to etc.

I know that's what I'm supposed to say....HOWEVER, I also want to say that learning to 'trust my gut' when things didn't feel quite right was a critical element for me in my recovery. Sometimes I would battle between what 'my gut' was telling me and thinking I was crazy. Bottom line, my gut has never steered me wrong.

OK, so, now you have this information of what he text messaged her. It 'could' be innocent....it 'could' also mean much more. Between the message and his secretiveness (which I don't think is an attribute suggested in AA...again, someone can correct me if I am wrong), I think your gut is trying to tell you something.

Now, what to do....that's a personal decision and I can't advise there. Do you confront him with the information you have? Do you keep it to yourself and keep an open eye and ear?

I will tell you in my previous relationship, I lingered far too long. I knew that he was resuming a relationship with his ex...but I stuffed it way down deep inside. That wasn't my deal breaker, but for many it is. Had I to do it over again, it would have been my deal breaker. Unfortunately, I had other issues in the relationship that kept me pretty busy.

I don't think you are off base for being suspicious. And I also know how tempting it is to 'investigate'. That too is a personal decision. I've done it myself. My take on it is that in this day and age, what you don't know could kill you, if you catch my drift. Again, that's just me. I know other people will view it differently, and that's ok.

In the meantime, read as many posts here as you can. You might want to look at the stickies at the top of this forum as well. I might also suggest in addition to the Alanon meetings I mentioned for you, you might want to attend a couple of open AA meetings. Open meaning anyone can attend. I don't suggest going to any of your H's meetings though. In those open AA meetings, you can hear and see what recovery DOES look like. I found that to be helpful, to a degree.

Keep coming back.

Last edited by ICU; 10-22-2007 at 03:33 AM.
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Old 10-22-2007, 04:23 AM
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Hi Spring 11,

The first Rehab I went to was co-ed and boy did I ever have fun....I was away from hubby and family for 30 days and had only myself to be responsible. I did meet a man there that I would talk with on all breaks. We would discuss anything and everything and depend on each other. I had gone directly from home to marriage without being on my own. I thought I had missed a lot. I didn't though. We did look each other up when I separated from my husband and went to my Mom & Dads and it was all different then. He had gone back to an old girlfriend and I had given up on men. He called me once to go to court for another DUI to be a character witness for him. He said he got the DUI when he was coming to visit me.....yeah...he was an alcoholic dependent on anyone that would help take care of him.

As Ann said, it is common to form friends and relationships in rehab but we are all still sick there. The second treatment Rehab was all women...twelve of us at any one time...sometimes less. I made friends with two woman there that were my age. There were a lot of young gals and also two gals from the county jail.

My point is that I developed a friendship with another man that was just as sick as I was....when I didn't have guys distracting me I did much better.

Your husband might be seeking this woman out because he thinks "She really knows what I am going through and understands what I need." Wrong...he isn't in a good place to make life decisions yet. He probably feels excited by the whole process and usually if a Rehab has male and females they are not allowed to make contact with each other, and if they do, and keep on, they are asked to leave because they are not following the rules.

I can just explain what happened to me and how foolish I was. In the first Rehab I felt like a FREE young woman with lots of friends. Which was true at the time, but I needed to be working on my Program of AA and learning tools to help me stay sober. Instead all I waited for was breaks, smokes, & a distinguished drunk.
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Old 10-22-2007, 09:03 AM
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Welcome, spring11, glad you're here

I highly recommend Al-Anon for you:

http://www.al-anonportlandoregon.org/meetings.htm

I have attended some great meetings in your area.

Keep posting.
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