Here Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 20
Here Again
Ok. So I found this site about 3 years ago looking for help. Then tried again within the past year or so. Here I am this time for real. I say for real because the boyfriend knows about it and is is happy I am doing it. It is not in secret while he is missing somewhere for the night and I am helpless and crying.
A little back ground.. and I need help from here....
I have been with the love of my life for a little over four years. He is my soulmate... I CAN live with with out him though. Just thought I would throw that in there. His DOC is Cocaine. He is 32 and I am 31 and he has been doing it off and on since he was 17ish. He was doing it when we met but so were a lot of other people in our fun beach scene. He comes from a small midwest town and is the kind of wild guy that thinks David allan coe and whiskey bent and hell bound etc. etc. if you know what I mean was cool when I met him. He still loves the music but that way of life he is thankfully growing out of. I had played with drugs in high school and a bit after and have been around many drug addicts in my life. So I do understand it but I am thankful I do not have it in me to let this take a hold of me. I in fact hate the drugs but understand them. I drink a little and thats it. So anyway..... I told him when we started the relationship that I wouldnt be with someone who was living a "unhealthy" lifestyle forever. I dont want my future husband and kids to have that life. Its not in MY plan.
Well, here I am no kids and no husband but still with him.I am ready to have kids and a husband. Its the time in my life. We have joined bank accounts and live as though married. I have dealt with the sleepless nights, the lies and the fights. He recently, after me finding the drugs AGAIN, admitted to having a problem.
HE finally admits it!!! BUT, I had suspicion as usual and took his truck the other day and found a big BAg hidden in his work flashlight. I took it, didnt say a word and acted normal. For the moment, I am past the fighting and making things better and throwing a big fit about it. I said see ya later and went to work. a few hours later after waking up he started texting me at work saying how sorry he was and he needs and help and he does not know what to do. He saw, and was ashamed I found it.
SO......... here we are... after a long road... he has admitted it and asked for help. I told him that I was here as a friend and loved one and I will suppport him if he wants help.. Suggested therapy, now that he has insurance, to talk to a friend I know that is also in in recovery and a few other options. I told him to get on this website and maybe he could start here.
I also told him we are going to get our own bank accounts and share the mutual account only for bills. I told him I am going to start saving for something fun, maybe a laptop or something for myself but after we get through the holidays if this is still going on I will use that money and we will have to get our own places. I will be there for him but maybe not as his girlfriend. This is the most strength I have had. If he is honest and admits his fears and problems I will not judge. I have been absolutely sick with stress... I am working towards a nursing degree but have not done homework in weeks. Embarrassing but true.
I will go to a nar anon meeting soon.
NOW WHAT?
:praying
A little back ground.. and I need help from here....
I have been with the love of my life for a little over four years. He is my soulmate... I CAN live with with out him though. Just thought I would throw that in there. His DOC is Cocaine. He is 32 and I am 31 and he has been doing it off and on since he was 17ish. He was doing it when we met but so were a lot of other people in our fun beach scene. He comes from a small midwest town and is the kind of wild guy that thinks David allan coe and whiskey bent and hell bound etc. etc. if you know what I mean was cool when I met him. He still loves the music but that way of life he is thankfully growing out of. I had played with drugs in high school and a bit after and have been around many drug addicts in my life. So I do understand it but I am thankful I do not have it in me to let this take a hold of me. I in fact hate the drugs but understand them. I drink a little and thats it. So anyway..... I told him when we started the relationship that I wouldnt be with someone who was living a "unhealthy" lifestyle forever. I dont want my future husband and kids to have that life. Its not in MY plan.
Well, here I am no kids and no husband but still with him.I am ready to have kids and a husband. Its the time in my life. We have joined bank accounts and live as though married. I have dealt with the sleepless nights, the lies and the fights. He recently, after me finding the drugs AGAIN, admitted to having a problem.
HE finally admits it!!! BUT, I had suspicion as usual and took his truck the other day and found a big BAg hidden in his work flashlight. I took it, didnt say a word and acted normal. For the moment, I am past the fighting and making things better and throwing a big fit about it. I said see ya later and went to work. a few hours later after waking up he started texting me at work saying how sorry he was and he needs and help and he does not know what to do. He saw, and was ashamed I found it.
SO......... here we are... after a long road... he has admitted it and asked for help. I told him that I was here as a friend and loved one and I will suppport him if he wants help.. Suggested therapy, now that he has insurance, to talk to a friend I know that is also in in recovery and a few other options. I told him to get on this website and maybe he could start here.
I also told him we are going to get our own bank accounts and share the mutual account only for bills. I told him I am going to start saving for something fun, maybe a laptop or something for myself but after we get through the holidays if this is still going on I will use that money and we will have to get our own places. I will be there for him but maybe not as his girlfriend. This is the most strength I have had. If he is honest and admits his fears and problems I will not judge. I have been absolutely sick with stress... I am working towards a nursing degree but have not done homework in weeks. Embarrassing but true.
I will go to a nar anon meeting soon.
NOW WHAT?
:praying
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. you are in the right place to seek help for yourself as there is nothing you can do for your b.f. you have nothing to b ashamed about.it is not you that is doing the drugs. you are right to set boundries for yourself.if he wants the help to get clean it is out there.my son is my addict & you can not love them clean.what helped me the most was the 3 c's...i did not Cause it,I can not Control it & i can not Cure it.get to meetings when you can & keep coming back.prayers, hope
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome Strong
What you have done is make reasonable boundaries, possible future plans and give him every chance in the world to change his life, should he choose to. Good for you.
The rest, however, is up to him.
I'm sure he is sincere in his aplogies...but its the actions that follow that count. Many if not most of our addcts (my son included) would apologise and admit anything I needed to hear when busted. For a while, that would let him off the hook.
However he chooses to work this through is up to him. I'm glad you've joined us and hope you'll stick around for help for you.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
What you have done is make reasonable boundaries, possible future plans and give him every chance in the world to change his life, should he choose to. Good for you.
The rest, however, is up to him.
I'm sure he is sincere in his aplogies...but its the actions that follow that count. Many if not most of our addcts (my son included) would apologise and admit anything I needed to hear when busted. For a while, that would let him off the hook.
However he chooses to work this through is up to him. I'm glad you've joined us and hope you'll stick around for help for you.
(((Hugs)))
Cece
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Strongwoman,
Welcome back to Sober Recovery.
Regardless of your plan, you're still going to need support, so please get to meetings a.s.a.p.
He needs to take care of HIM, you need to concentrate on YOU.
Your plan sounds strong, and you sound pretty sure of the steps you will take if he doesn't follow through.
hugs to you,
Welcome back to Sober Recovery.
Regardless of your plan, you're still going to need support, so please get to meetings a.s.a.p.
He needs to take care of HIM, you need to concentrate on YOU.
Your plan sounds strong, and you sound pretty sure of the steps you will take if he doesn't follow through.
hugs to you,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 20
Thank you all so much for your support. I just went and got my own seperate checking account. It feels good. I wish I was saving for something fun but the way things have been going I will probably be let down and be using the money to move in a few months. So sad but I cant do it to myself anymore.
I was just looking through the calls on our cell phone bill and it turns out that a few days after I found a bag of drugs he was right back on the phone calling the dealer. Over and over again. There was also a day I threw a fit becuase we were suppose to hang out and he said he just wanted to have a few beers with his friends and then he would be home. He did come home at a normal time but on that day he was calling his dealer the entire time. In between the times I was calling him. His mom was even in town... he came home, she came over and left and he stayed up playing xbox all night. High I am guessing. I was so angry that night and he couldnt understand why. I new something was up. Never deny your intuition!!
He just tells me what I want to hear.. I hate to admit it and I dont fully accept that but I just dont see him making any steps to get help. I dont think he is ready. But I might be. Not sure yet. I normally feel like I am no where close to having the strength to leave. Something about finding the drugs this last time did something to me. I think by me laying down boundaries and telling him what I needed to do for myself gave me power.
I just have to get through the holidays. I hope I can stay strong. What I really hope is he could get on the road to recovery because he is breaking my heart.
I was just looking through the calls on our cell phone bill and it turns out that a few days after I found a bag of drugs he was right back on the phone calling the dealer. Over and over again. There was also a day I threw a fit becuase we were suppose to hang out and he said he just wanted to have a few beers with his friends and then he would be home. He did come home at a normal time but on that day he was calling his dealer the entire time. In between the times I was calling him. His mom was even in town... he came home, she came over and left and he stayed up playing xbox all night. High I am guessing. I was so angry that night and he couldnt understand why. I new something was up. Never deny your intuition!!
He just tells me what I want to hear.. I hate to admit it and I dont fully accept that but I just dont see him making any steps to get help. I dont think he is ready. But I might be. Not sure yet. I normally feel like I am no where close to having the strength to leave. Something about finding the drugs this last time did something to me. I think by me laying down boundaries and telling him what I needed to do for myself gave me power.
I just have to get through the holidays. I hope I can stay strong. What I really hope is he could get on the road to recovery because he is breaking my heart.
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