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10-21-2007, 03:29 PM

# 1 (permalink)

trinitrotoluene

hax

Thread Starter

Join Date: Oct 2007

Location: halifax, ns

Posts: 4

hi there :)

i created an account on this website a while back but i have lost it and am unable to find it. i'm bonnie (i also go by alice, my middle name) and i'm sixteen. i used heroin and oxycontin when i was in grade seven, and i stopped using in the summer of grade eight. i've been clean for a year. i started using as a way to help cope with intense chronic pain, and as a way to escape from the hellish memories of my past. lately i've been wanting to use more and more than ever before, i recently got sexually assaulted and i had to talk to police, go to line-ups, get statements, blablabla and i've been totally emotionally wrecked. it dredged up a whole series of repressed and un-thought about memories and it's completely fkn killed me. i can't eat, i can't sleep, i can't concentrate, i suffer from terrible flashbacks and nightmares and panic and anxiety :/ i got diagnosed with complex-PTSD and i'm being un-medicated for it based on my "past history." so i have no sleeping pills, no anxiety medications, i'm not getting therapy, or anything. why the fk did i even tell in the first place? i was pss drunk off of an entire bottle of tequila and i told my mom and she did all this sht and i just feel like a shadow of myself and i want a fkn syringe fkn NOW.

10-21-2007, 03:52 PM

# 2 (permalink)

Ann

Nature Girl

Join Date: Mar 2002

Location: By The Lake

Posts: 60,328

Welcome to SoberRecovery.

I'm sorry you feel in such pain right now, but I think you already know that using isn't going to help anything. Reaching out here was a good thing to do and a big step toward helping yourself.

My son is an addict, I am not, but I have seen how destructive using drugs can be and I hope you hang on here and talk to some of the people who have been where you are.

Stick around, you're worth it.

Hugs

10-21-2007, 04:42 PM

# 3 (permalink)

trinitrotoluene

hax

Thread Starter

Join Date: Oct 2007

Location: halifax, ns

Posts: 4

thanks

i'm sorry i was yelling and sht before i'm just having a rough go of it haha yeah i know deep down i guess that starting again wouldn't be the best thing but you know i don't rly care because right now i just want to stop feeling this damn raw agony eating away at me i would much rather have my organs be eaten away by nasty heroin and me sit there without a care in the world than sit here, sober, rotting my organs away by stress, unmedicated, not sleeping, gets startled when someone drops a freaking pen-- i'm not getting any treatment for this (i live on 4-south currently, it is the mental health unit in my children's hospital-- i'm home on an overnight pass), i'm not getting any drugs or therapy or anything and it's just like "well if you're not going to help me, why should i bother helping myself?" i'm not worth any of that anyway. i might as well just start again.