Captain Kirk

Hi Friends!
I've been on the wagon a month now and I had a date with a very nice girl last night.
Why's it not reccomended to date during your first year on the wagon? Is it because the emotional ups and downs and the inevitable arguments that happen between a man and a woman may increase the odds of picking up a drink?
I don't wanna be alone!!

GrouchoTheCat

Simple,

You need to keep the focus on YOU.

As long as you are thinking / planning / fantasizing / (obsessing) about another you are not able to work on yourself.

Give time time.

calfritch

hey aldo - i am in the same boat. i had a date last night as well. for me, it made me feel good to be spending time with someone. she knows what i am going through and is very supportive...so i don't have to hide anything. she is a non-drinker (by choice) so it kinda works out. but i do understand the other side of the argument too. in my opinion, you do what makes you happy and if you feel that you may slip then step back and examine the situation. anyways, thats how i feel about the subject.

Pinkcuda

Not only that but seeing a desire to change yourself into a better person should make you wonder why anyone would like the you that you are now. What kind of self esteem issue does this person have that would make him/her desire an alcoholic?
Odds are that you probably aren't going to take our advise anyways, so I hope all goes well.

calfritch

that is also a good point. i think a lot of people (guys and girls) like to fix people so someone who is broken is attractive to them. the bad part is once you're fixed, will they still be there? for me, i decided that "dating" is ok, just not jump into anything super serious until i feel i can handle that. so whether or not that person will be there once you're ready is another thing. its tricky!!

CarolD

Hmmm...
Consider your past actions with a relationship
when you were not drinking.
Then you can decide what is best for you.

Congratulations on your sober time!


Blessings

Jfanagle

Just another viewpoint, but I dated from the beginning of my sobriety and still do after a few years of sobriety. It has always worked just fine. I have always made a point of informing the other party that I am a recovering alcoholic and as such don't drink. Ironically it was early on that I dated a couple of ladies in AA who all had a few more YEARS sober than I did. They were the most challenging and as a result have not dated anyone from the fellowship for the last 5 years.

Life is full of good folks who are good for us, and folks who are not. IN MY OPINION, and that is all it is, you should be comfortable with yourself and your motives for dating. I must say that I have always stayed close to the rooms of AA and have kept my attendance regular. Recovery is a learning process, and interaction with the "relations process" is one part of that acclimation to a full life.

I do agree with previous posts that we always need to be aware of what we bring to a relationship and beware of those who "want to fix us." That is not conducive to a healthy exchange of value between two people.

I post this simply because I believe that the purpose of this forum is the exchange of ideas and experience. What works and has worked for me may not work for someone else. There is merit in someone else’s experience, but one size does not fit everyone. I have found that if I am giving more to someone else than I m taking then things seem to work well in the dating scene.

Best of luck,

Jon

SaTiT

Just don't trip and don't pick up no matter what.
Just put your recovery first..

It dosn't say not to date or live...
All it says is " don't make major changes in your first year"

well....what would you expect to hear from 90 days wonders
and half brain dead not well adjusted people. in other words...alki/addicts.
Always gotta be making it all complicate and take everything to the extreem.lol

Just take a simple invenotory...you got drunk or high basiclly all the time.
When you where alone, when you wern't along.
Well...I got drunk when i got married and I sheit face when I got a divorce.
So there you go...
What I'm saying is...anything can cause a triggers.
Well....gix whiz..when i had a job... the first thing I do after a cashed
my check is go catch a buzz.lol
You don't hear folk suggesting not getting a job becuase you might relasped.lol

There's no such thing as the perfect recovery and there's no such thing
as the perfect relationship. The sooner you accept that , the simpler it gets.
It's a journey and a growning process. Just take anything in your recovery
as a learning process wheather you date or not.

I don't know... maybe some people need to date to get out of their craziness or loneliness
and have contact with other people. See, that would be a change for a person that keeps
to themselves all the time.


Just stay close to the program and call your sponsor.
And don't keep up no matter what..

see...I didn't mention anything about not dating did I..lol

Kellye C

Early in recovery I didn't want to hear that no relationship for year thing either. As it turned out, I met someone with approx 15yrs sober at the time and I was 12 days. Ended up staying with him for almost 1 1/2 yrs. Here are the lessons/observations I lived first hand as a result of that.

1. The times that I most wanted to drink were directly related to things he said and did to me (wrote horrible stuff about me and left it laying out) or when he was claiming to love me as well as multiple online flings. He was a depressive person and a master at passive aggressive behavior. Through recovery and working on myself I realized he was toxic for me and ended it.

2. Due to this relationship I did not devote the maximum time that I could have in working with my sponsor, developing a new relationship with my HP or growing the friendships that were being offered in my home group. I feel that I shortchanged myself by splitting my focus on the relationship vs my recovery. Many times my recovery played second fiddle when it should always be a top priority.

3. Because this person was in the program I ended up using him as a sponsor at time which wasn't good because he was able to help justify or rationalize something that my sponsor would have kicked butt over.

Believe me when I say I fully understand the concept of not wanting to be alone but I think you owe it to yourself to devote all of your time and energy on your recovery for a while. I don't know if you make meetings but our group goes out to eat, play board games, play in the river and to monthly dances at other AA groups. Going out with your home group in a crowd in a sober setting doing fun stuff is so cool. It hits the point home that you can do everything you used to do and do it sober. You meet some really good friends that way in a non-threatening environment.

The activities described above is how I met my new husband (just got married last month). We spent two years as friends with nothing else there. Like me he did the early dating thing too with disastrous results which burned him pretty good. I mention this just to say there is nothing wrong with having friends of either sex just focus on your recovery for now.

Big hugs,
Kellye

Huzzah

As my personal experience, when put in situations where you would normally drink you are more likely to drink. This is why I must avoid bars, house parties, dinners out with friends, and all the rest of the activities I associate with drinking.

Pipes Mcgee

If you are like most of us, your drinking was on a path to which death was your end result. You probably went through some horrific things. You are now, finally sober,....why on earth would you mess with that? Sobrieties advice is sobrieties advice for a reason. Its simple,...if you want sobriety,....then follow it. If you dont,...then dont. Nobody wants to be alone. So dont be. Hang with non-drinking friends. AA members. Family. You are far from alone. You dont need a girlfriend. Someone earlier stated that you need to focus on YOU and we all know when we are in a new relationship, ALL WE DO IS THINK OF THAT PERSON. Our thoughts are DOMINATED by that person. Sobriety isnt about doing what you want. Its about doing what you need.

SaTiT

I don't think. Recovering alki thinking about others i
and being consiarate of others is a bad thing.
There's alot of things an alki can gain from dating.
Being on time, learning how to pick up the phone.
Learning to reach out. Learning how to open up, to
another human being. Facing FEARS of asking someone out.
Learning about rejections. Learning about letting go.
Learning about moving forward.

It's not any different then people can put 30-90 days
together in a a treament center and as soon as they
get release, they relasped becuase practicing recovery
in real life is different.

The samething can be said of a person practice recovery
alone. Of course it's alot easier if you don't have to deal
with other people.

I can go into nature and be still and be serene easily.
But as soon as i step back into town...well, that's a
totally different story

It is through applications that it works.
Serenity is like being in the eye of the strom.
Recovery works best when life is all F-up and i don't pick up.
How can one learn how to live life clean and sober if one
dosn't apply it or practice it ? i don't think a sponsor is so
much about telling how another recovring person should
work there's program or live their lives. I think it's just about being there for
another alki. Through the good times and bad times.
Well, my sponsor made me date..
why?..Becuase I needed it, becuase it was something I didn't want to
do. Because only going to work and meetings wasn't working out
so well for me. i needed to step out of my comfort zone and grow up.

I guess shop for a sponsor...If you take advice for a person
that's never dated in earliy recovery..well, how's that working for ya ?
What kind of ESH can that person pass on to you about dating
in earliy recovery.

calfritch

hey SaTiT - i couldn't have said it better!! my sponsor also made me date and it worked out for the best!

Dee74

saved me a post too, Sat...thanks LOL.
D