My husband needs rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 15
My husband needs rehab
hello, I am new to this on-line stuff so bear with me if I'm not doing this right. I thought this would be a good alternative to meetings as I have 2 young children, work full-time and its hard to get out. I will try though.
My husband has been addicted to crack about 3 years now. He's been to rehab and relapsed so now says it doesn't work. It was a government sponsored rehab. I've been told by a drug rehab referral counsellor that he needs a specific type of treatment sort of like Narconon - the biophysical then cognitive therapy type of rehab. He's been a heavy user since May and of course I've left on and off and go back and forth to my parents with my kids. Everyone's tired and I need some sort of permanence with my living arrangements for my children's sake. I was sucked into the promises of I'll quit when I get this or that and the final straw was that he received a legal settlement and instead of going for help he's still on the stuff. And now he has the money for it. So I told him its treatment or we do the legal separation, court order for the house etc. Of course its hard as we've had blips of time where its clean and nice and you remember what things were like and what you dream about, but a few days here and there isnt enough. I guess one of my questions is for a crack addiction, does anyone have any suggestions as to what type of treatment is more successful than others? We are looking into a long term treatment that costs about 20k.
Any words of wisdom would help me.
Thank you.
My husband has been addicted to crack about 3 years now. He's been to rehab and relapsed so now says it doesn't work. It was a government sponsored rehab. I've been told by a drug rehab referral counsellor that he needs a specific type of treatment sort of like Narconon - the biophysical then cognitive therapy type of rehab. He's been a heavy user since May and of course I've left on and off and go back and forth to my parents with my kids. Everyone's tired and I need some sort of permanence with my living arrangements for my children's sake. I was sucked into the promises of I'll quit when I get this or that and the final straw was that he received a legal settlement and instead of going for help he's still on the stuff. And now he has the money for it. So I told him its treatment or we do the legal separation, court order for the house etc. Of course its hard as we've had blips of time where its clean and nice and you remember what things were like and what you dream about, but a few days here and there isnt enough. I guess one of my questions is for a crack addiction, does anyone have any suggestions as to what type of treatment is more successful than others? We are looking into a long term treatment that costs about 20k.
Any words of wisdom would help me.
Thank you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 15
Thank you Anvilhead for your support. I do understand that they need to be ready, I guess the hard thing is that he says he is, so I look into the options as I've heard that after an intervention/altamadum you should be ready with rehab info if the addict wants to go. Some of the literature is very contradictive out there. I also think that looking into treatment solutions keeps me hopeful and puts off the horrible thought of going for that court order and legal separation. I wish there was another way - I've tried to talk to him about separate residences but thats when he says he's going to stop. And it drags on. He says he really wants to stop but then smokes it and says sorry he doesn't mean it. I was a bit skeptical when talking to this drug referral counsellor because I thought maybe they get a kick back from the expensive programs. Its all so confusing and a few months ago I was ready to go and felt good about it, now I feel like I can't do it on my own. As you can tell from this post - I'm emotionally ALL over the place!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 25
Hello,
Former crack and alcohol addict here. And, I have been in a relationship while clean and sober with a crack addict. I know both the frustration and being at a complete loss as to what to do next with the continually relapsing loved one.
Yes many counselors (and most interventionists) do get a referral fee (kickback) from the residential rehab center. The average advertising cost per admission for residential rehabs ranges from low hundreds to thousands of dollars; so a referral fee agreement is a win-win for both the counselor and the rehab. I know this because I have worked for a rehab from 2005-2006.
To find out if the counselor is getting a referral fee, just ask. Also ask the rehab in question, too. I don't know if they are legally compelled to give you that information, but they morally should be honest with you.
If you have $20,000 for a residential rehab my personal suggestion would be to find out how to stretch this into as many residential days as possible. All other things being equal, can you find a 60 or 90 day rehab versus spending all $20,000 on just a 30 day rehab?
This may be an oversimplification for some (but in the interest of saving space on this post...) rehabs can be divided into 12-step and non-12-step programs. Have your spouse do some homework, go to a 12 step meeting. If this philosophy "speaks" to him, then consider 12-step rehabs. If he has any issues with it, then only consider non-12-step rehabs as 30+ days in any one philosophy that won't be accepted by the client is a waste of time and $20,000.
Also, if he is truly ready and willing to pursue the clean life, than will he commit now to immediately following up the residential program with a local outpatient program that can provide 2x weekly random drug tests? The results of the tests can be reported to you (with a signed disclosure agreement) --you can tie-in an ultimatim on this, too. These programs are everywhere as a legal adjunct to the DUI/drug possession industry/court/community programs. Maybe his current counselor can provide a list of such local agencies.
Good luck, to all of you.
-Gary
Former crack and alcohol addict here. And, I have been in a relationship while clean and sober with a crack addict. I know both the frustration and being at a complete loss as to what to do next with the continually relapsing loved one.
Yes many counselors (and most interventionists) do get a referral fee (kickback) from the residential rehab center. The average advertising cost per admission for residential rehabs ranges from low hundreds to thousands of dollars; so a referral fee agreement is a win-win for both the counselor and the rehab. I know this because I have worked for a rehab from 2005-2006.
To find out if the counselor is getting a referral fee, just ask. Also ask the rehab in question, too. I don't know if they are legally compelled to give you that information, but they morally should be honest with you.
If you have $20,000 for a residential rehab my personal suggestion would be to find out how to stretch this into as many residential days as possible. All other things being equal, can you find a 60 or 90 day rehab versus spending all $20,000 on just a 30 day rehab?
This may be an oversimplification for some (but in the interest of saving space on this post...) rehabs can be divided into 12-step and non-12-step programs. Have your spouse do some homework, go to a 12 step meeting. If this philosophy "speaks" to him, then consider 12-step rehabs. If he has any issues with it, then only consider non-12-step rehabs as 30+ days in any one philosophy that won't be accepted by the client is a waste of time and $20,000.
Also, if he is truly ready and willing to pursue the clean life, than will he commit now to immediately following up the residential program with a local outpatient program that can provide 2x weekly random drug tests? The results of the tests can be reported to you (with a signed disclosure agreement) --you can tie-in an ultimatim on this, too. These programs are everywhere as a legal adjunct to the DUI/drug possession industry/court/community programs. Maybe his current counselor can provide a list of such local agencies.
Good luck, to all of you.
-Gary
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
My son is a recovering addict (DOC crack)...after many rehabs, in patient, out patient, psych wards, state programs, out of pocket private facilities, an overdose and near death experience...he is finally working on recovery
like most here, we tried everything but it didn't matter....nothing worked until he was ready
he is now in a long term recovery program....clean for over a year and working and living in a sober environment
your husband needs to be ready...its a very difficult task and it can be very costly...even if he choose a low cost program there will be loss of income etc...
if he is ready I agree with a previous post...the longer the better....long term is often needed to break the cycle of abuse...unfortunately 28 day programs can become a revolving door...(speaking from experience)...
I wish you well
take care of yourself and your children...that is your priority
he will need to do the work of recovering
like most here, we tried everything but it didn't matter....nothing worked until he was ready
he is now in a long term recovery program....clean for over a year and working and living in a sober environment
your husband needs to be ready...its a very difficult task and it can be very costly...even if he choose a low cost program there will be loss of income etc...
if he is ready I agree with a previous post...the longer the better....long term is often needed to break the cycle of abuse...unfortunately 28 day programs can become a revolving door...(speaking from experience)...
I wish you well
take care of yourself and your children...that is your priority
he will need to do the work of recovering
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 15
Thank you
Thank you for your replies. The rehab choice is a confusing one. But after speaking with him today, I don't see the readiness to approach any rehab which breaks my heart. I want him to use his money on his recovery - but like you have said, until he is ready it doesn't matter which rehab he enters. I would hate to see him spend the money and leave after one week. So my battle continues and I appreciate your input. It helps!
Its a vicous cycle as I know he needs long term care - but he doesn't want to leave the familly for that long - he's paranoid that I'll meet someone else while he's away. So I'm trying to tell him that its better to be away from us temporarily than permanently either to separation or death.
So I'll see where it goes - he's still in denial so there's not much I can do but take care of me and my kids. Luckily I have incredible parents that give my kids the stability they need. One step and day at a time.
Thank you again for your responses. I really appreciate it and look forward to continuing reading and contributing what I can to other's posts.
And I will take the advice of finding out about kick backs because as sad as it is, I felt a bit like I was getting a sales pitch.
Its a vicous cycle as I know he needs long term care - but he doesn't want to leave the familly for that long - he's paranoid that I'll meet someone else while he's away. So I'm trying to tell him that its better to be away from us temporarily than permanently either to separation or death.
So I'll see where it goes - he's still in denial so there's not much I can do but take care of me and my kids. Luckily I have incredible parents that give my kids the stability they need. One step and day at a time.
Thank you again for your responses. I really appreciate it and look forward to continuing reading and contributing what I can to other's posts.
And I will take the advice of finding out about kick backs because as sad as it is, I felt a bit like I was getting a sales pitch.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R..i am glad you are here.there are a few things,first off, you are not responsible for your husband getting clean & sober.it he wants to do it he can & will. we are powerless over our addict.it sounds to me like he is not ready to clean up. he is making excuses.what you are responsiable for is yourself & your kids.you are not going back to him for them. he has got to hit his bottom before he will get the help he needs. i am sure this is not what u are wanting to hear but it is the truth. read "what addicts do"at the top of the forum.go to naranon meetings if u can.read all the post by other wifes.there is so much info right here & lots of caring people who have been & who are right where u are. you did not Cause it,you can not CONTROL it & u can not Cure it.my addict is my son & i can not love him enough for him to get clean.he has been a crack addict for about 15yrs..it has not gotten any better because he does not want it to.they are all about blame.if this & if that when the truth is no matter what any one does he is going to use. my prayers are you you & your family. keep coming back & take care of you. hugs,hope
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Welcome but sorry for the circumstances that brought you here.
My exhusband is a recovering crack cocaine addict. It has been my experience from others and my own that when the addict is ready he/she would seek help on their own. As much as we want to help and/or get them into recovery...when we do the foot work for them we are in many ways trying to control the situation. All of what you are doing, when he wants it...really wants it, he is fully capable of doing himself. Crack cocaine is such a tough one to beat..... I finally got sick of being sick and tired so in turn I gave my addict his space to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I left him to his own devices, divorced him and continued on with my life, sort of....that part is left for interpretation. I moved on where it counted, where I was able to gain peace and serenity from the otherwise chaotic unstable life I was living. Of course he knew that whenever he was ready to find recovery I will be there for him otherwise I could no longer let his drug abuse affect my life. Guess what....he let me go. He had to suffer the loss and potential loss of so much more before he admitted himself into rehab opposed to the two other times that his family and I pleaded and gave him ultimatums for him to go. Pleading and ultimatums don't work. Egads! Honestly even in his own recovery now he could still go out and use tomorrow. No one can tell. But the point is that if you take care of yourself and do the things you should do for you and your recovery, you will be okay no matter what happens.
My exhusband is a recovering crack cocaine addict. It has been my experience from others and my own that when the addict is ready he/she would seek help on their own. As much as we want to help and/or get them into recovery...when we do the foot work for them we are in many ways trying to control the situation. All of what you are doing, when he wants it...really wants it, he is fully capable of doing himself. Crack cocaine is such a tough one to beat..... I finally got sick of being sick and tired so in turn I gave my addict his space to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I left him to his own devices, divorced him and continued on with my life, sort of....that part is left for interpretation. I moved on where it counted, where I was able to gain peace and serenity from the otherwise chaotic unstable life I was living. Of course he knew that whenever he was ready to find recovery I will be there for him otherwise I could no longer let his drug abuse affect my life. Guess what....he let me go. He had to suffer the loss and potential loss of so much more before he admitted himself into rehab opposed to the two other times that his family and I pleaded and gave him ultimatums for him to go. Pleading and ultimatums don't work. Egads! Honestly even in his own recovery now he could still go out and use tomorrow. No one can tell. But the point is that if you take care of yourself and do the things you should do for you and your recovery, you will be okay no matter what happens.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 15
I am reading everyone's responses over and over. It is a real comfort to be understood as I feel like the odd person out around my acquaintances etc. What a crazy existence this is.
I am continuing to stay at my parents but I don't want to do that forever. I've been staying there quite a while, he's in the house as I won't have my children around that behaviour but the deed is in my name so I'm financially responsible (he does contribute to bills most of the time). Now he's received a very large settlement (personal injury) in which he gave me a fair amount for now to deal with some bills etc. He still has a lot more. I'm not legally allowed to go after the money since its a personal injury settlement. But I'm so worried that he will blow it when it was supposed to be for the family and future I wish I could do something. I know that sounds materialistic but the more money he has, the more he will use. Of course I want his health back but if I can't have that...I'd rather have enough to support my kids. But even if I had the money he'd harrass me for it so I'd better let that one go. I guess I'll also have to go to a lawyer to get the house back as my kids need a home, or at least permission to sell it without his consent. I'm not sure if anyone knows how to do that, I think its a court order I would need.
Anyhow, thank you so much for your responses - it really does help so much!
I am continuing to stay at my parents but I don't want to do that forever. I've been staying there quite a while, he's in the house as I won't have my children around that behaviour but the deed is in my name so I'm financially responsible (he does contribute to bills most of the time). Now he's received a very large settlement (personal injury) in which he gave me a fair amount for now to deal with some bills etc. He still has a lot more. I'm not legally allowed to go after the money since its a personal injury settlement. But I'm so worried that he will blow it when it was supposed to be for the family and future I wish I could do something. I know that sounds materialistic but the more money he has, the more he will use. Of course I want his health back but if I can't have that...I'd rather have enough to support my kids. But even if I had the money he'd harrass me for it so I'd better let that one go. I guess I'll also have to go to a lawyer to get the house back as my kids need a home, or at least permission to sell it without his consent. I'm not sure if anyone knows how to do that, I think its a court order I would need.
Anyhow, thank you so much for your responses - it really does help so much!
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Rose)))
I just want to welcome you to Sober Recovery, sorry for your circumstances.
Maybe you could discuss the issues you have with a lawyer?
Hugs to you, and the children..
I just want to welcome you to Sober Recovery, sorry for your circumstances.
Maybe you could discuss the issues you have with a lawyer?
Hugs to you, and the children..
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I believe that any rehab is about as good as the person's willingness to get clean and stay clean.
If they really want sobriety, they will find it, through rehab, NA, or just on their own.
The real recovery begins when they leave rehab and have to face life on life's terms.
It sounds like your husband just isn't ready, but it also sounds like you are making good moves to protect yourself and your child from the insanity.
Glad you joined us, welcome.
Hugs
If they really want sobriety, they will find it, through rehab, NA, or just on their own.
The real recovery begins when they leave rehab and have to face life on life's terms.
It sounds like your husband just isn't ready, but it also sounds like you are making good moves to protect yourself and your child from the insanity.
Glad you joined us, welcome.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 15
My husband needs to do it on his own
We talked again last night and he told me that he's so tired and really wants to quit. I told him, you'll quit when you quit. When you're ready and I realized that as soon as I stop fighting him, he has to fight himself. So yes I'm setting myself up away from the insanity and really looking to gain some peace of mind. I now I can't control him and in a way, its sort of freeing knowing that. I'm not making any permanent decisions, just the decision to stay away from it and be healthy as I can for my children. I hope I can do it - keep my strength.
Thanks to all, its incredible how much this on-line support has helped me already.
Thanks to all, its incredible how much this on-line support has helped me already.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
get him out of your house.he has money,u don't.the thing is, why should u have to take your children out of there home when he is doing the wrong things, not you.take some action.it is not fair.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 15
I agree...
I agree, and thats what I am trying to do. That's why I need to see about a court order etc. It is wrong that he is doing this in the children's home. It maddens me. Right now I left because aside from calling the police I have to see a lawyer. But he'll still keep coming back. I guess the only thing he is afraid of is the police. Why don't they just leave instead of sticking around with us? Go somewhere else and do your drug! Leave us alone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 15
So the last time we talked when he visited the kids (he only does that of course when he’s not high) he explained that the more we fight, the more it pushes him away and he continues with the drug. He says he needs me to pull him out of it – that I need to talk him out of doing more when he calls. He used to stay away for days with no contact. Now he calls me every couple of hours. I don’t know what that is all about. Maybe its paranoia setting in. Any thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
the addict is all about blame.they never want to accept the fact they are the ones that are using & it is always about who makes them use or what makes them use.do not fall for it. get him out of your house.go to the magistrate office & take a warrant out for harrassment if you have to. he will stay right there if you do not do something. it is up to you.still praying,hope
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 15
Yes, I know I will have to do these things. Right now I'm safe and so are my kids. We are temporarily living at my parents house as my house is in the midst of renovations and drug use so Its not realistic for us to live there.
He has a lot of money right now and is spending on us to keep us in the picture. But it'll run out soon. So I'll have to face that next step. It was his sister who came to stay with us for a few days that told me to leave. She has been in and out of rehab herself so has all the knowledge of the legal system (I'm in Canada). I needed that because being naive to this even though its been 3 years - I'm disgusted I stayed so long. But it wasn't all the time like its been since May.
So I'll take the advice and know that I have to look at where I'm going to live. I will sell the house before I move back in with him. I'm just waiting for him to repair the car that he crashed 2 years ago. It's ready this week and he's paying for it. So I'm laying low until that.
Its unreal though - they are so convincing - today he's back at our house doing drugs - I took his advice and didn't fight with him - he said he'd "come out of it" it I spoke "lovingly to him". Ha - I haven't heard from him since early this afternoon.
So again I've been conned but I have the peace that I haven't fought about it. I'm accepting it.
So again, thanks for all your input!
He has a lot of money right now and is spending on us to keep us in the picture. But it'll run out soon. So I'll have to face that next step. It was his sister who came to stay with us for a few days that told me to leave. She has been in and out of rehab herself so has all the knowledge of the legal system (I'm in Canada). I needed that because being naive to this even though its been 3 years - I'm disgusted I stayed so long. But it wasn't all the time like its been since May.
So I'll take the advice and know that I have to look at where I'm going to live. I will sell the house before I move back in with him. I'm just waiting for him to repair the car that he crashed 2 years ago. It's ready this week and he's paying for it. So I'm laying low until that.
Its unreal though - they are so convincing - today he's back at our house doing drugs - I took his advice and didn't fight with him - he said he'd "come out of it" it I spoke "lovingly to him". Ha - I haven't heard from him since early this afternoon.
So again I've been conned but I have the peace that I haven't fought about it. I'm accepting it.
So again, thanks for all your input!
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Hey rose,
You sound like you are trying to do the right thing....Don't let him blame you or make you responsible. The only person responsible for him is him. Until you move out of the way and let him hit bottom, he will keep using and manipulating you. I think you sound like you are doing well in spite of a difficult situation. My 17 year old son has been to rehab 5 times and is now finally at a recovery home away from his druggie friends. For now it is working. But I have no illusions that the problem is solved. It's been a long hard haul, but it doesn't get any better when you baby them.
You sound like you are trying to do the right thing....Don't let him blame you or make you responsible. The only person responsible for him is him. Until you move out of the way and let him hit bottom, he will keep using and manipulating you. I think you sound like you are doing well in spite of a difficult situation. My 17 year old son has been to rehab 5 times and is now finally at a recovery home away from his druggie friends. For now it is working. But I have no illusions that the problem is solved. It's been a long hard haul, but it doesn't get any better when you baby them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 15
Thank you for that. Right now I'm killing him with kindness. I know that sounds weird but my last attempt is to give him what he wants. Then I can walk away thinking and knowing I'm not to blame. Let him look at himself and have no excuses as to his drug use. I'm not giving him a scapegoat.
Doing well, at my parents and feeling somewhat stable considering....
I have the 2 most absolutely incredible kids that miss their dad, but I'm handling that for now.
Hugs and support for you all!:codiepolice :codiepolice
Doing well, at my parents and feeling somewhat stable considering....
I have the 2 most absolutely incredible kids that miss their dad, but I'm handling that for now.
Hugs and support for you all!:codiepolice :codiepolice
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Rose -
Sorry you are going through this. You've gotten a lot of wonderful wisdom above me.
Just some more ES&H from another recovering crack addict. I could have gone into rehab for FREE where I used to live, but I wasn't ready to quit and knew it would be a waste of time. I had almost 2 years clean, relapsed for a week, and now am coming up on 8 months clean again. I didn't do rehab. I just got to a point where the bad outweighed the good. I was locked up 3 times, the last time for almost 5 months.
I surround myself with supportive people who will not enable me, and I get tremendous support and ES&H here at SR. I have gone to AA/NA but don't go right now. I DO, however, know where the meetings are and what times they are, and I WILL go if what I'm doing doesn't work anymore.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that people can recover from crack or any other substance. But they have to want it more than anything else. I started putting as much energy into recovering that I had put into getting/smoking crack.
And you are probably right about the money....if he is not ready to quit, he will go through the money in no time. As long as he wants to continue using, he will always find an "excuse".
Keep taking care of you and your kids (and it sounds like you are doing a great job at that). I'd recommend that when he starts blaming you for the fact that he's still using, you just end the conversation. From what I've read here, they will quit either because they find they can't put you on a guilt trip, or because you quit talking to them. You didn't cause his addiction, and you certainly do not have to put up with being blamed for it.
My XABF is still active. The last time he was in jail and I wouldn't bail him out, he tried to tell me "oh, I'm just an addict, can't be helped, so kick me to the curb". I just reminded him that we are BOTH addicts...I just do what it takes to not use. I also remind him that HE kicked ME to the curb when he chose crack over me....so now, deal with it!
Hugs and prayers!!
Amy
Sorry you are going through this. You've gotten a lot of wonderful wisdom above me.
Just some more ES&H from another recovering crack addict. I could have gone into rehab for FREE where I used to live, but I wasn't ready to quit and knew it would be a waste of time. I had almost 2 years clean, relapsed for a week, and now am coming up on 8 months clean again. I didn't do rehab. I just got to a point where the bad outweighed the good. I was locked up 3 times, the last time for almost 5 months.
I surround myself with supportive people who will not enable me, and I get tremendous support and ES&H here at SR. I have gone to AA/NA but don't go right now. I DO, however, know where the meetings are and what times they are, and I WILL go if what I'm doing doesn't work anymore.
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that people can recover from crack or any other substance. But they have to want it more than anything else. I started putting as much energy into recovering that I had put into getting/smoking crack.
And you are probably right about the money....if he is not ready to quit, he will go through the money in no time. As long as he wants to continue using, he will always find an "excuse".
Keep taking care of you and your kids (and it sounds like you are doing a great job at that). I'd recommend that when he starts blaming you for the fact that he's still using, you just end the conversation. From what I've read here, they will quit either because they find they can't put you on a guilt trip, or because you quit talking to them. You didn't cause his addiction, and you certainly do not have to put up with being blamed for it.
My XABF is still active. The last time he was in jail and I wouldn't bail him out, he tried to tell me "oh, I'm just an addict, can't be helped, so kick me to the curb". I just reminded him that we are BOTH addicts...I just do what it takes to not use. I also remind him that HE kicked ME to the curb when he chose crack over me....so now, deal with it!
Hugs and prayers!!
Amy
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