angela79

I am new to this forun think I will be glad I found it. Let me start with an intro I am 28 yrs old and was raised by a functional alchoholic. My brother is now a non functional. My uncles effort to quite on his own gave him a massive heart attack that almost took him from us (he's still sober). So now I have moved in with a guy in Feb all the signs were there from the first moment nut I needed somewere to stay see I was pregnant. well I just gave birth to my son a month ago and I need to get out but I have not worked in 6 weeks have no money to get home so I figure I will tough it out til I get a couple paychecks in I go back to work tomorrow. The latest problem is that we had 150 dollars to last for 2 weeks well I spent some on diapers and necesities there was 100 left well last night he dissapeared for a couple hours came back drunk of course. Later last night I checked and there was only 50 left so I checked his wallet empty. I asked him this morning and he said he used it to get chew well I knew I had the only other money other than that 50 and was waiting for him to ask me for money for his beer. Silly me I went to the store and forgot the other 50 well its gone and I don't know what to say if I trap him in another lie he'll just get mad. what upsets me is I know treatment won't help he's done that I have suggested a medical doc. for the shot and anti-depressants he entertains the idea when we are broke when he has money I can't even mention it. anyway Idon't know what to do cause normally I would just up and go but now I have the baby and nowere to go suggestion????:praying

Pilgrim

Hi Angela,

I am new to this Al-anon thing but in AA, if you went to a meeting and told people that, someone would definitely be able to help. Maybe Al-anon people could help you if you went to a meeting.

I wish I could offer you a roof over your head for you and your wee baby until you got back on your feet.

We have social services here in New Zealand that would be helpful but I don't know where you are living. We also have places called women's refuges where you could go.

I am sending you hugs and prayers Angela.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, angela - congrats on your new baby. my daughter is an alcoholic/addict and alanon really helps me. keep posting! blessings, k

ARealLady

Hi Angela and welcome to SR.

It sounds like you have a good plan to get out of a no good situation.

Please look into the possibility of a women's refuge for you and your baby. It doesn't sound like this guy is particularly trustworthy or responsible. You can't change him and he isn't going to change overnight.

ARL

hadenoughnow

It's good that you have an exit plan, I would call social services, you should be able to get WIC coupons for food and formula for you and the baby. If you really want to leave a shelter would come and pick you and the baby up.

Marble

I really hope you can find the help you are looking for.

I can relate to how scary it is as I have a 1+1/2yr old with my AH and I have to keep cash under lock and key if I dotn want it to go walk abouts. I literally have a sturdy cash tin in my house that only I have keys for as £ doesnt stay in my purse.

angela79

I appreciate all the responses.Sorry haven't checked back in awhile but he is usually near me but tonight he's good and drunk sfter s trip to the pawn shop and is sleeping now. I really want to talk to him about my leaving but I am afraid he will tell me to go now and I have nowere to go nut I am so tired its not just the drinking, he pretends to be dedicated to a group we belong to and spends hours at the computer chatting with them and it is distressing to know soon I will have to explain to them why I left him. he talks like he wants to better his life but the only reason he has what he has is me watching and takeing care of him. I feel like I am actually resposible for him.
I want to be strong for myself and my son but I keep putting it off. WHY?? It's going to happen it has to but I am so afraid he will get mad and make an arguement in front of my son. The advise I need is should I tell him then pack up or pack up and then tell him so if he gets bent out of shape I can just walk out. All the bills are in my name and if I leave, I leave him with no phone,internet, or electric. do I give him a chance to get this in his name or do I take the attitude that it's not my problem?? He keeps asking me whats wrong and I just tell him I am tired. Why don't I just tell him its the drinking and wasteing of the money. Somebody please help I wish I had friends or family here I think I need a meeting but how do I get out of the house without telling him where I am going?? PLEASE HELP!!!

Barbara52

Since I knew my AH would just make a scene and make it all the more difficult I chose not to tell him ahead of time that I was leaving. I arranged everything, got my sons to the house to help me with the move and arranged an intervention for my AH, then woke him up and let him know I was moving out right then.

I would make all your arrangements and then the day you are leaving have others around when you tell him you're outta there. It will avoid the inevitable drama and anger.

huckleberry

I completely agree with Barbara. Someone also mentioned WIC and food stamps which is a great idea. Try to find an Alanon meeting and tell them you MUST speak and need help. Trust me, they will help you.

Alchoholics are master manipulators. He just spent all your money - he's a drunk with a newborn and leaving you in the lurch. So, he has no phone, no internet, no food... what about YOU? What about the crap he has put YOU and this new helpless baby through? You need to find a safe place for you and baby to go. If you can't find that then I would ask him to go. If he causes you trouble then call the cops. They are always on the side of the sober spouse. If you can find a safe place then cancel the internet/phone, etc - make sure he can't get to credit cards (my hubby charged $15,000 on new credit cards I didn't know about after I kicked him out), write him a note while he's passed out and leave. You are going to be stronger after this, trust me. This is no doubt the hardest time of your entire life but God only gives us what we can handle. I'm so sorry for this storm in your life but take care of that baby and take care of you... leave him to find his way on his own. It's hard but it's the only way they can sober up.

Please keep us posted.

huckleberry

That was really helpful to me SS.... I wish I had come here when my A first got sober about a year ago. I have learned to trust him again but it took me forever to stop controlling him, worrying every time he went to the store, etc. Thanks again for your post.

WantsOut

Angela, I can only tell you how I found my way out of poverty when I was a broke single mother. I went on welfare and used financial aid to get an associate degree at a public community college. Then I used student loans and aid to get a B.A. at a public university. Then I used loans and aid to get a masters degree also at a public university. Now I make six figures.

The moral is - there is nothing a determined person in a Western country can't accomplish. In some places like Africa being determined doesn't matter much cause there isn't any opportunity. Not here. You are so lucky to live here in the West. what do you want to be? you can do it.

Good luck!

Wascally Wabbit

Prepare and plan.
My kids father would be so drunk he wouldn't miss any money out of his wallet. So, I took as much as I could and he never noticed! That's how drunk he was.
I saved it, and one day I left.
He wasn't taking care of us, his family, so I took it upon myself to MAKE SURE we were cared for.

angela79

All is understood and of all the people to advise me I turned to my alchoholic mother and my drug addicted sister they both said to stick it out til my first paycheck as this guy is not violent but my sister said in no uncertain terms she will not allow her nephew and neices to play the how drunk are they going to be lottery as we did in our childhood as Mommy came home drunk every night it was just a question as to how drunk. when my sis put it that way it opened my eyes to the pattern that must broken now! As far as going back to school I need to but I need to stabalize again I still don't know if I want to go back to Dallas or move to Missouri were I don't know anyone again. I actually trained as an E.M.T. when I was younger but my certification has lapsed and I am not sure I am physically strong enough for that but now with my call center experience I could pick my certification back up and become a dispatcher. but thats down the road I always have wanted to be like my ex stepdad he was a real life hero He was a paramedic and on my show and tell days he'd bring the ambulance. maybe it was him who has saved me from addiction or it could be my years of therapy I went through from age 8 til I was 20 who knows anyway enough of the rambling. Is there a # for al-anon to find meetings in my area that are not in churches??

denny57

Many Al-Anon meetings are held in churches because the rent is cheap. It is not affiliated with any religion.

Call the district office in your area for meeting locations. Or google it.

Good luck!