ladyamalthea

man I've missed you guys!!! :ghug3 it feels so good to be home. I mean that in many ways... not only are Mr. Lady and I getting our new house broken in (all we need now is new bedrails for our bed, and all the essentials are basically here), but I now have internet and cable again, too... so, hopefully I'll be able to be online more often now.

A lot has happened since I last came on. As most of you probably remember, my sister rumored to be relapsing the last time I was here. Well, she is pretty much officially back at square one now. I don't even know if it's right to say she's recovering. From what I hear, she's dropped out of school again, she's pawning things again, and strange numbers are showing up more and more often. Her paychecks (which my parents were trying to help her manage) are being spent before my parents even see the paystubs, and her suboxone, which she is supposed to take in front of my dad, is being hidden in her mouth until she can get away to spit it out. Or maybe she's not putting it in her mouth at all. I don't know, I didn't quite understand that part... considering that suboxone is given in a lozenge that dissolves pretty quickly under the tongue, from what I know. But I'm clearly no expert, which is fine with me at this point.

Here's the thing, though; some of you recommended that I send her a card, with a simple "I love ya" kind of message on it... I thought this was a great idea. So, I sent the card two weeks ago. Not only have I not heard from her, she didn't even mention the card to my parents, which makes me think she didn't even care that I sent her one. Sure, she may be embarrassed, as I'm sure she knows my parents have told me everything (since they always do, whether I want to hear it or not), but couldn't she at least take the time to write back? Or something?

I feel like I'm greiving again. The last time things got this bad, I felt like I had lost her permanently, like she was dead or something. I'm feeling that all over again. I cannot grieve like this every time she drops the ball... I guess I let myself care too much. But how do I find that happy median? I'm back to the point of crying daily, and it's so prominent that when my husband and I argue (which isn't often, but still), he throws out comments about how I'm going to turn out just like my parents (bankrupt and miserable).

Lol... I can't come on here without writing a novel each time. And I'm sorry for that. It's just that right now I really need a friend or two... and other than my husband, whom I'm greatful to have, I'm pretty much alone. I'm becoming friends with some of my neighbors, but I don't know them well enough to vent about this kind of thing.

I hope all is as well as possible with everyone here. I look forward to being back online more often from here on out.

caileesnana

Glad you are back! I bet she got the card and deep down appreciated it. Somday she will mention it.
Prayers for your sister,
susan
:praying

Impurrfect

(((Lady))))

Welcome back. Just a thought from an RA - when I was active, it was terribly hard for me to acknowledge when someone did something nice for me because I felt so terrible about myself, I just couldn't believe someone could still love me. I DID appreciate it, though, and somewhere in my drug-infested mind, I figured I couldn't be ALL bad 'cause there were people who still loved me. This may be what your sister's feeling.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but know more will respond soon with their wonderful ES&H.

Hugs and prayers!!

Amy

Sigh

Ok, here's the thing...
Your sister is in a fight for her life and you're not even on her radar right now.


I know, I know that's so brutal, but it's a brutal truth.

Ask yourself, why did you send her the card?
To let her know you love her and you're thinking of her.
Well..mission accomplished.

If you are looking for anything more than that, you're going to be disappointed.
Your sister is not capable of considering your feelings right now.

But.....she knows, she knows you sent her that card, she knows you care, she knows...and that helps her.

One day, hopefully, your sister will be far enough removed from her addiction that again she can lift her head up, look around and consider the feelings of others, your feelings. Hopefully that day she will smile at you and say, you know I've always kept that card you sent...........

I know your feelings are hurt, I can hear this in your words but if, for right now you can just love her and not expect anything back, if right now you understand that her own emotions so overwhelm her that she's can't possibly consider yours...if you can do these things..........it's better for you and for her.

I would like to address one more issue with you and that's your parents and how they deal with you. The 'good' child, the sober child often feels as if she/he is 'second' that the sibling with the troubles is soaking up all the parents time, energy and attention. Those feelings are often very accurate. It's unfair. As a parent I have done this to my own beautiful daughter. I have gotten on the phone with her and talked all about her brother and not listened or asked about her day, or what is important to her. Fortunately for her, for me, for our relationship, one day I heard myself, I heard what I was doing to her..and I stopped. Whenever I saw her after that I did not mention her brother unless she asked, she did not ask for a long time. My daughter had been missing me.

Why not talk to your parents? gently let them know that sometimes you would like to have conversations that did not evolve around your sister...tell them gently.

Turn your attention to your life, your husband, your home. You have a right to seperate from your sisters addiction. You have a right to be happy, ...go for it.

My intent is not to have my words bother or upset you but for you to realize you have a right to live your life, to be happy.

I do understand where you are, how you feel.
I do

I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.


sigh

PS
and keep sending those cards to your sister

hope213

do not let her live her life for you.u deserve more than u are giving to yourself & your husband.she is not worth it.she is not worth your life or your marriage.worrying about her & what she is doing is not going to make her better.i have missed you.keep coming back & send the cards if you want to but don't expect her to acknowledge them. saying prayers for your sister & you too.hugs,

marle

Glad to see you back and finally getting settled in your new home. It must be a relief to have that behind you. My daughter does not get in touch with me when she is deep in her using. She has told me it is shame. But I also agree that she is so totally into the drug that she has no time. Figuring out how to get the money, who has drugs to sell. My daughter told me that it feels like she and her abf spend 23 hours a day trying to score just to get high for an hour. That has to be exhausting mentally and physically and add on top of that the withdrawals when you can't use and you can see why she has not answered you. Maybe you are the one that she is most afraid of disappointing. Hugs and welcome back. I missed you. Marle

mooselips

ladyamalthea,
How do you do, I don't think we've met.

You did a nice thing sending your sister the card.

And I understand how you think maybe she would contact you, heck maybe you think you could give her some needed support...but, it's all up to her....

(darn, I hate that part of addiction!)

Spiritual Seeker

I was wondering why you went away. Must be great to be in your home, how exciting. Hopefully, you're having a wonderful teaching yr. with mostly great students who do their homework.
Relapse is part of this ugly condition known as addiction. Until recovery is achieved it is the way the addicted mind knows to cope with the ordinary stresses and wreckage they've made of their life. My son is doing so-so but there are relapses.
I am learning to accept that. Try not to take it personal that she hasn't responded because shame + addiction keep her from doing so. Things do change for the good as well as the bad. Keep the faith for your sister. In the meantime keep having a fantastic life. I'm glad you're back in the neighborhood. I type so fast that I know there will be errors. I think you are an English teacher so I picture you going over my post with your red pen.

Lobo

A new home, a place to make many good memories, a place for you and your husband to be happy. You deserve all of these things in your life. Don't let what you sister is doing take this away from you. You have been a good sister and you have always been there for her. My sons had to back away form their sister to take care of themselves. She is sober now and she is trying to rebuild her relationships.

Take care of you and your husband and that new home. She will come around when she is ready. My daughter stayed away when she was active in her addiction.

I'm glad you're back......I missed you

Lo

parentrecovers

welcome back! hugs, k

ladyamalthea

Thanks so much everyone. I feel so much better already, after being able to just come back and let it out. It's so nice to have such a warm group here, a group that understands.

Sigh, I have had that conversation with my parents before... those who knew me when I first came here would tell you that I was just like your daughter. I was, actually, quite bitter towards my parents for putting me on the "backburner," so to speak, as well as for enabling my sister and getting themselves farther and farther into what was already a bad financial situation so they could "help" her. The thing is, my mom never quite made it to admitting she is a codie like the rest of us (she even posted here once, and I think she that maybe didn't like the responses people gave her because she hasn't been back since). So I can't really say that my mom relapsed with her, because she never, in my mind, made it into recovery. So, even if she says she's not going to bombard me with info I don't want to hear about my sister for the moment, she still will, because she's still in active addiction to the addict. But it does make me feel better to hear about other people who are on my end of it, rather than on the parent end. Thanks so much for that.

Spiritual Seeker, you are exactly right. I have enjoyed every minute of this school year thus far... I rarely assign much homework, but when I do, the students I have now are pretty good about staying on top of it. All three of my classes are so enjoyable that I really am not looking forward to giving them up in December. I am so blessed to have them right now; they really do make my day so much brighter (for the most part lol).

As far as the red pen is concerned... that pen finds its way into just about everything I do, to the point where I have to make myself not correct my husband, hehe, but I make a point to put it away when I come here, because this is where I go to take a break from everything else, including my job

I wish I had time right now to write an individual response to each of you, but please know that I do appreciate your encouragement. I love you guys

greeteachday

There are some wonderful responses here...I too believe she is grateful for your love and support, just so deep in her addiction that she may well feel shame and not be able to reach out right now.

I just wanted to stop in and say welcome back and congrats on finally getting into the new home!! Hugs