things are unraveling.......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
things are unraveling.......
I do not know if I am overstepping regarding my AS but I have some info. and if I keep it to myself I do not know if I would be a fair and honest person towards my dil. I told her i would buy her a hair sample kit for my AS (her husband ) as she felt it might help her decide to let him come home or not. My brother first took a urine test over for AS and it came back inconclusive.(I think he watered it down) There was not enough of a specimen left to send off for further evaluation. So my brother brings out the drug test(hair follicle kit) so here is the rub..........
1. My son says the kit will test six months back and he hasn't built up enough time.
My brother says according to the literature is says 90 days.
2. Son says he is afraid it won't be accurate and will upset wife with a false positive. Brother says if you haven't done anything in 90 days why worry? This would be your ticket to get back wqith your wife and child. Son says the test isn't foolproof and something could go amiss. He doesn't want to chance it.
3. Brother says okay. You and I only will be privy to the results but if they come back positive we have to address the problem. Son says no. Brother says then let's talk. Are you using? If so let's address it before there is a major problem. Let's get you some help. He says he isn't using.
4. Finally brother says okay......I've given you every chance. I'll just give the test to your wife and you, the wife, and counselor can figure it out.
Son says no, don't do that. You will cause a firestorm and my wife says I am doing good. Brother walks out with test.
So, if we feel he is using and he refuses the test do we tell the wife the situation? You see if we sit on this information and she takes him back then suppose he can "keep it under wraps" for say six months........what if she becomes pregnant again and there is another innocent baby thrown in the mix. I understand about "hands off the addict" but I think we owe her the full story which is exactly as I have outlined. If you don't know the whole story and we continue to "do the dance" around withholding info. I think it isn't right.
Can somebody out there help me? dixied
1. My son says the kit will test six months back and he hasn't built up enough time.
My brother says according to the literature is says 90 days.
2. Son says he is afraid it won't be accurate and will upset wife with a false positive. Brother says if you haven't done anything in 90 days why worry? This would be your ticket to get back wqith your wife and child. Son says the test isn't foolproof and something could go amiss. He doesn't want to chance it.
3. Brother says okay. You and I only will be privy to the results but if they come back positive we have to address the problem. Son says no. Brother says then let's talk. Are you using? If so let's address it before there is a major problem. Let's get you some help. He says he isn't using.
4. Finally brother says okay......I've given you every chance. I'll just give the test to your wife and you, the wife, and counselor can figure it out.
Son says no, don't do that. You will cause a firestorm and my wife says I am doing good. Brother walks out with test.
So, if we feel he is using and he refuses the test do we tell the wife the situation? You see if we sit on this information and she takes him back then suppose he can "keep it under wraps" for say six months........what if she becomes pregnant again and there is another innocent baby thrown in the mix. I understand about "hands off the addict" but I think we owe her the full story which is exactly as I have outlined. If you don't know the whole story and we continue to "do the dance" around withholding info. I think it isn't right.
Can somebody out there help me? dixied
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dixied, with love in my heart I have to say that I think there are wayyyyy too many people involved in all this. Just read your post again and look at the chaos in it...not chaos caused by the addict but by the people trying to help a person trying to help an addict.
He is using or he is not using and time will tell without any tests.
If his wife is uncertain, then perhaps some time should be allowed to see if his actions back up his words.
Drug tests can be wrong, they can be manipulated, and they are only as good as the time they are taken. What about an hour later, or a day later?
Sorry, sweetie, my heart goes out to all of you, but you all really need to back off, hands in the air and step away from the addict and/or his recovery.
:codiepolice
Hugs, really!
He is using or he is not using and time will tell without any tests.
If his wife is uncertain, then perhaps some time should be allowed to see if his actions back up his words.
Drug tests can be wrong, they can be manipulated, and they are only as good as the time they are taken. What about an hour later, or a day later?
Sorry, sweetie, my heart goes out to all of you, but you all really need to back off, hands in the air and step away from the addict and/or his recovery.
:codiepolice
Hugs, really!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
ann,
thanks for the reply. the wife wants the 90 day follicle report I guess to see if it backs up his claim that he has been drug free since June. I appreciate your honesty and will think about what you said but my own counselor said when you withhold information you are letting the addict make you "do the dance". So I will definitely discuss your post with him and maybe he will agree with you. And I really do appreciate your response. thank you. dixie
thanks for the reply. the wife wants the 90 day follicle report I guess to see if it backs up his claim that he has been drug free since June. I appreciate your honesty and will think about what you said but my own counselor said when you withhold information you are letting the addict make you "do the dance". So I will definitely discuss your post with him and maybe he will agree with you. And I really do appreciate your response. thank you. dixie
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Dixie, I agree, it's not necessary to withhold any information when withholding may harm someone else. Nothing wrong with complete honesty.
What I see here is the addict singing a tune of recovery and everyone doing the dance to prove he is right or he is not truthful.
His wife must decide this for herself. Trusting her instinct is a good start. Tell her the truth about the first test and his resistance for this test....then leave the rest up to them. She may want to take time to see how his behaviour matches his words and she may want to wait before bringing a baby into a situation as unsettled as this.
The more he protests, the more I think he is hiding something and I get the feeling you all do too. Trust your instincts and let the addict dance alone.
Hugs
P.S. I don't mean to sound as loud as this comes out. I've been there and done that and I know how hard it is to let go.
What I see here is the addict singing a tune of recovery and everyone doing the dance to prove he is right or he is not truthful.
His wife must decide this for herself. Trusting her instinct is a good start. Tell her the truth about the first test and his resistance for this test....then leave the rest up to them. She may want to take time to see how his behaviour matches his words and she may want to wait before bringing a baby into a situation as unsettled as this.
The more he protests, the more I think he is hiding something and I get the feeling you all do too. Trust your instincts and let the addict dance alone.
Hugs
P.S. I don't mean to sound as loud as this comes out. I've been there and done that and I know how hard it is to let go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: in the south
Posts: 219
ann,
fyi..there is already one baby in the mix that was a year old in May. Once wife was faced with son's intervention(they had been married three mos.) and she was well aware of the problem and was told that she was entitled to an annulment she became pregnant rwo weeks after the fact. So my fear is that she might be lulled into false security and history might repeat itself. I guess I wonder if the hair follicle test is extremely accurate and what IF for some reason it was wrong and that decision influenced whether she stayed or left. Iam just thinking out loud and i am confused and I thank you for caring enough to answer the post..........dixie
fyi..there is already one baby in the mix that was a year old in May. Once wife was faced with son's intervention(they had been married three mos.) and she was well aware of the problem and was told that she was entitled to an annulment she became pregnant rwo weeks after the fact. So my fear is that she might be lulled into false security and history might repeat itself. I guess I wonder if the hair follicle test is extremely accurate and what IF for some reason it was wrong and that decision influenced whether she stayed or left. Iam just thinking out loud and i am confused and I thank you for caring enough to answer the post..........dixie
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I agree with Ann. Trust your Gut. You DIL needs to trust her gut too. You don't need a drug test to trust your gut. You don't need to force an unwilling user to take it either.
The fact that anyone thinks he needs to be tested is truth enough.. your gut is saying he needs to be tested.. his wife's gut is saying he needs to be tested... and in all reality it sounds like you all have a gut saying the same thing.. he is using and the test is just proof positive that your gut is right.
Addiction is lousy and addict behavior is just as lousy. I am sorry it has to be at all.
The fact that anyone thinks he needs to be tested is truth enough.. your gut is saying he needs to be tested.. his wife's gut is saying he needs to be tested... and in all reality it sounds like you all have a gut saying the same thing.. he is using and the test is just proof positive that your gut is right.
Addiction is lousy and addict behavior is just as lousy. I am sorry it has to be at all.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Dixed.......A false positive on a drug test could control your son's fate. I don't have any experience with drug test, but I think the addicts behavior speaks volumes.
I think it is between your son and his wife to decide how they want to handle this.
I agree with Ann......Too many people involved
Hugs.......Lo
I think it is between your son and his wife to decide how they want to handle this.
I agree with Ann......Too many people involved
Hugs.......Lo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Dixie, You told your dil you would buy her a hair test kit. You could just deliver it to her as you promised and let her decide what to do with it. If your son is upset, then that is his problem. You just take care of you. Hugs, Marle
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
(((Dixied)))
My vote is leave the whole thing up to your DIL and son.
If she wants to drug test him, she should talk to him, then go buy the test herself.
I can understand about the worry, about perhaps another baby, but it seems to me, if she thinks he's using she would have herself protected in that area, hopefully.
The ball is in her court, her decisions.
Hugs,
My vote is leave the whole thing up to your DIL and son.
If she wants to drug test him, she should talk to him, then go buy the test herself.
I can understand about the worry, about perhaps another baby, but it seems to me, if she thinks he's using she would have herself protected in that area, hopefully.
The ball is in her court, her decisions.
Hugs,
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Dixied, sending you love and hugs. I want to give my opinion as far as being the wife, even though I am the girlfriend. I read that some people said that there are too many people involved.... I wish I had my abf's mom involved and on my side instead of ignoring the whole situation till he is at her door step. I would suggest not pushing the issue of the test... i never believed in drug testing the addicts just cause it doesnt solve anything. right now your son could be doing anything and everything to make that test come up okay. But be there for your Daughter in law and voice your concerns. I dont think theres anything wrong in telling her that if she decides for him to come home for her to keep herself protected. But say it as gentle as you can. Sending prayers to your family.
Hugs,
Jewel
Hugs,
Jewel
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
It does sound like there are too many well intentioned people trying to manage the situation...
Once an addict is using it soon becomes evident....(btw...I did hear from someone who was drug tested for a certain job that hair tests go back past 90 days)
if your dil is not sure about the future she might be better off holding back on a decision and see how things play out...
everyone else...:codiepolice
Once an addict is using it soon becomes evident....(btw...I did hear from someone who was drug tested for a certain job that hair tests go back past 90 days)
if your dil is not sure about the future she might be better off holding back on a decision and see how things play out...
everyone else...:codiepolice
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
It sounds like everyone is trying to control your son's addiction. Only he can do that.
Whether his wife trusts him or takes him back or chooses to get pregnant is out of your control. You all want him sober. He will only be sober if he wants it. I like that you are supportive of dil but ask yourself what is support and what is trying to control things that are out of your control. That's the question I have to ask myself sometimes.
Whether his wife trusts him or takes him back or chooses to get pregnant is out of your control. You all want him sober. He will only be sober if he wants it. I like that you are supportive of dil but ask yourself what is support and what is trying to control things that are out of your control. That's the question I have to ask myself sometimes.
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