Lost in my own body
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 3
Lost in my own body
Well thats me....I am so co-dependent its scary....I don't like to leave my house except for work....My husband is and addict and I am sad, scared and well you all know...he played with pain pills for 4 years in and out of recovery. He had 12 years prior to that off basically booze. We have been together 15 years. Today he has 93 days clean. Last four years I didn't know if I would make it 15 more minutes...I need help I am asking for help WOW thats good for me...HOW do I let go? How do I not worry? How do I not keep eveything bottled up until I EXPLODE? I will say this I am not an alanon fan...I don't know why?? well kinda i do. How do I find me?? I have lost sight of who I am and even who I was? Now I know what I am or what I became...I am a professional pocket checker, a pupil analyzer, a cellphone number watcher, and a plain ol nagging bi$@#h!! Thats what I am now.....Any Ideas? I am limited on funds as pain pills were very expensive apparently!! Ya know he is doing well and he knows I am as sick or sicker than he, but he doesn't understand why I am not doing cartwheels. I am proud of him today. (its just not enough) prayers and hugs to all.:praying
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: on top of the hill
Posts: 197
kalidk,
Boy, do I know how you feel.My ah left for his agf 4 years ago, and I feel like I just can't get anything right. I was married at 16, a mom at 17, so I never got the chance to find out who I am, and I still have no idea.
I'm so glad you found us, there will be people along soon who will help you much more than I can. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and you've found a great place with friends who will walk with you. I hope your husband stays clean.
I almost drank myself to death after ah left, but now am sober 2 years, 4 months, 23 days. All I can say is be good to yourself, maybe we have to try to focus on the small things we can accomplish, instead of those we have trouble with right now. Hope to see you here often....((( kalidk2007 )))
Boy, do I know how you feel.My ah left for his agf 4 years ago, and I feel like I just can't get anything right. I was married at 16, a mom at 17, so I never got the chance to find out who I am, and I still have no idea.
I'm so glad you found us, there will be people along soon who will help you much more than I can. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone, and you've found a great place with friends who will walk with you. I hope your husband stays clean.
I almost drank myself to death after ah left, but now am sober 2 years, 4 months, 23 days. All I can say is be good to yourself, maybe we have to try to focus on the small things we can accomplish, instead of those we have trouble with right now. Hope to see you here often....((( kalidk2007 )))
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Al-anon- I am not sure what you have against it. It helped me get in touch with my emotions, make friends to bounce ideas off of, work on me and stop focusing on the addict in my life. I also went to a therapist for a short time. I stopped trying to control . Giving up controling behavior is a biggie. Best thing I ever did...it wasn't working It made me a lot better and those around me a lot happier.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
kalidk2007,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Maybe you could find the book "Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, she says alot of stuff that I could really identify in myself. Maybe you'll see some of you, too.
As for meetings, if you have attended one, and that wasn't for you, please try another until you feel it fits right. It's really nice to have a face to face support group.
Hugs to you,
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Maybe you could find the book "Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, she says alot of stuff that I could really identify in myself. Maybe you'll see some of you, too.
As for meetings, if you have attended one, and that wasn't for you, please try another until you feel it fits right. It's really nice to have a face to face support group.
Hugs to you,
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
I can so relate to those fears , worries, and misgivings! I was adamantly against meetings for a while too. 
I went to a Co-Dependants Anon meeting and shut down the first time. And thought these people are crazy! I do not live my life around someone else, I am more independent than that! ( Yeah Right!) and I struggled along wanting my life to be different. So i went to a Nar-anon meeting thinking maybe I'd give that a shot, Again, I just sat there and wanted to cry I was so scared and depressed for some reason. ( too close to home?)I left and finally i got sick of all my worrying and my counselor, ( who had encouraged me to attend these meetings all along, )told me to try it again, so I gave Al-Anon a shot. It finally clicked. I am home!
I don't think it was that Al-Anon is any better for me, its just that I was at a point where I could not longer deny that my life had become unmanageable and that I couldn't control the addicts in my life. Now I read co-Dependant literature and Nar-anon Literature and anything else i can get my hands on, as well as attend Al-anon meetings. I just had to be willing and ready to change. Prayers to you and your husband:praying
I went to a Co-Dependants Anon meeting and shut down the first time. And thought these people are crazy! I do not live my life around someone else, I am more independent than that! ( Yeah Right!) and I struggled along wanting my life to be different. So i went to a Nar-anon meeting thinking maybe I'd give that a shot, Again, I just sat there and wanted to cry I was so scared and depressed for some reason. ( too close to home?)I left and finally i got sick of all my worrying and my counselor, ( who had encouraged me to attend these meetings all along, )told me to try it again, so I gave Al-Anon a shot. It finally clicked. I am home!I don't think it was that Al-Anon is any better for me, its just that I was at a point where I could not longer deny that my life had become unmanageable and that I couldn't control the addicts in my life. Now I read co-Dependant literature and Nar-anon Literature and anything else i can get my hands on, as well as attend Al-anon meetings. I just had to be willing and ready to change. Prayers to you and your husband:praying
Fall 7 times stand up 8
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: ohio
Posts: 10
I have never been to any meetings but I'm at the point that I will try whatever is going to help. The one thing that I can say through my own journey is that worrying and stressing, staying up late nights and pacing the floor, looking him up and down over and over, smelling his clothes, you know all those crazy things we do to see of they are using again...well none of those things kept him from using. They just made me obsess over things that I had no control over. Also another thing that helped was when I finally got it in my head that I don't have any control over his addiction and what he does. I can only control what I allow him to do to me. It's really okay to say you don't want to live like this anymore. It's okay to not want to be on this roller coaster anymore. You can choose to get off whenever you want. Doesn't mean that you don't care or love him it means that you care and love you more. There is a sticky on this board about co-dependency and it talks about property lines. Take time to read it but basically in a nutshell it talks about how you can't take ownership of things that are not yours and finding the strength to say your addiction does not belong to me is key. I tell myself everyday...His addiction is not my fault and it is not my job to be his babysitter. No more soft landings for him while I'm walking barefoot in a field of cactus trying to fix everything that he messes up. It's difficult to disconnect yourself but you have to look at for you first. Remember who you were before the addiction took over your life. You've got to give yourself permission to be that person again. Only now you are wiser and stronger. You can do it. You just can't give up. You are too important. If we could just put half the energy into getting ourselves healthy as we try to put into keeping the addicts in our lives from using, think how much better off we would be.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I too was at the point where I was throwing my hands up in the air and screaming that I would do ANYTHING to make this go away, just tell me what to do.
To be truthful my first meeting I ever attended was a Nar-anon meeting and I was sick. I normally cannot attend them as they are too far from my apartment- I live in a city and do not have a vehicle. At that night my friend happened to take me there. There were mothers sitting in a circle, so calm and collected, sharing about their sons and daughters in active addiction and all I remember were alarms going off in my mind -- telling me that addiction just does not cease. I was so shaken up by that meeting and the harsh reality of it.
I did not go back or look into anything different, until I became so desperate. I think that everyone here can say that they could also deem themselves, "Neurotic Pupil Analyzer." I had absolutely no life of my own. No dreams of my own. No identity really - except trying to keep my fears and panic of him using at bay. Only to find out - SURPRISE - I'm fighting lions anyway.
I decide to attend an Al-Anon group within walking distance and now I attend meeting when I can because I KNOW that there is not a quick fix overnight. Something for me - just about sitting in a room with someone who knows the obsession and self-loathing is just incredibly comforting to me.
Last night I was sitting here and musing about how insane I have been/can be. I NEVER DREAMED there would come a day when I wouldn't react to his recovery or lack there of. For me it was so bad that even when abf went to a sober living facility a thousand miles away from me - I was still a lunatic and was going off the deep end at the most insane triggers.
Letting go is a process. Today a kind friend told me that I did not get this way overnight, nor will I recover from it overnight. For me it is helpful that I acknowledge that I too have a disease. That addiction and alcoholism are family diseases- that they infect all those who come in contact with them. This is not my fault that I was affected by addiction, but it IS my responsibility where I go from here. When I realized I had absolutely NO LIFE outside of badgering him about his recovery and making sure that the stock I invested in the relationship wasn't a mistake -- I began to see how sick I really was.
We are all codependents, working with the same issues. If you haven't read Codependent No More, I highly suggest you pick it up. I get so much out of that book simply because I felt like I WASN'T just inherently crazy -- there WERE other people who felt this way too! In the book the author asks the reader to do an exercise where the reader makes a list of all the things that she or he is responsible for doing in a given day/anything that he or she is worrying about. When the list is complete - go back and reread what was written and truly ask yourself whether or not it is YOUR responsiblity or someone else's.
I've been told that when we stop trying to save the world and work on what is in our own sandbox, life can become manageable.
To be truthful my first meeting I ever attended was a Nar-anon meeting and I was sick. I normally cannot attend them as they are too far from my apartment- I live in a city and do not have a vehicle. At that night my friend happened to take me there. There were mothers sitting in a circle, so calm and collected, sharing about their sons and daughters in active addiction and all I remember were alarms going off in my mind -- telling me that addiction just does not cease. I was so shaken up by that meeting and the harsh reality of it.
I did not go back or look into anything different, until I became so desperate. I think that everyone here can say that they could also deem themselves, "Neurotic Pupil Analyzer." I had absolutely no life of my own. No dreams of my own. No identity really - except trying to keep my fears and panic of him using at bay. Only to find out - SURPRISE - I'm fighting lions anyway.
I decide to attend an Al-Anon group within walking distance and now I attend meeting when I can because I KNOW that there is not a quick fix overnight. Something for me - just about sitting in a room with someone who knows the obsession and self-loathing is just incredibly comforting to me.
Last night I was sitting here and musing about how insane I have been/can be. I NEVER DREAMED there would come a day when I wouldn't react to his recovery or lack there of. For me it was so bad that even when abf went to a sober living facility a thousand miles away from me - I was still a lunatic and was going off the deep end at the most insane triggers.
Letting go is a process. Today a kind friend told me that I did not get this way overnight, nor will I recover from it overnight. For me it is helpful that I acknowledge that I too have a disease. That addiction and alcoholism are family diseases- that they infect all those who come in contact with them. This is not my fault that I was affected by addiction, but it IS my responsibility where I go from here. When I realized I had absolutely NO LIFE outside of badgering him about his recovery and making sure that the stock I invested in the relationship wasn't a mistake -- I began to see how sick I really was.
We are all codependents, working with the same issues. If you haven't read Codependent No More, I highly suggest you pick it up. I get so much out of that book simply because I felt like I WASN'T just inherently crazy -- there WERE other people who felt this way too! In the book the author asks the reader to do an exercise where the reader makes a list of all the things that she or he is responsible for doing in a given day/anything that he or she is worrying about. When the list is complete - go back and reread what was written and truly ask yourself whether or not it is YOUR responsiblity or someone else's.
I've been told that when we stop trying to save the world and work on what is in our own sandbox, life can become manageable.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I got annoyed when I kept hearing people tell me to go to a meeting, any meeting, Alanon, Naranon or CoDA. "There is nothing wrong with ME" I thought, "It's HIM that has the problem" and I thought that if he stopped using, my problems would go away.
HAH! He stopped using, and MY problems didn't go away. I kept checking, playing codie detective, sure that he would slip sooner or later and I wanted to be one step ahead of him.
One day I realized that I was as sick as he was, and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was sick of always being on guard, anxious, and tired of the never ending fear...fear of him using and fear of him relapsing when he stopped using. Sick, sick, sick.
Finally, I just reached a place where I didn't care if they told me to dance sideways and swing garlic over my head...I was ready to try anything. So I tried a meeting and made a commitment to myself that if the meeting didn't work out, I would continue to go anyway until I had something else in place. I KNEW I needed help and I no longer cared where it came from.
My first three meetings I just sat there and sobbed. They handed me the whole box of tissues, and didn't push me to do anything but sit there sobbing until I was ready. Through my tears, I saw something "they" had, didn't know what it was but I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted. I found out it was called "serenity".
At the end of the meeting, one kind lady gave me a big hug and told me that I would be okay. For some reason, I believed her and that kind lady later became my sponsor and led me through the 12 steps that saved my life then and continues to save my life today.
It didn't happen over night, but it happened. I got to know that stranger called "me" and I found that I liked her, warts and all. One baby step at a time, maybe by osmosis, recovery began to take form and become a way of living instead of something other people did.
I have never looked back, and today I am grateful for the good place recovery has brought me. Today I know that I never ever ever have to return to the darkness or pain of codependency. All I have to do today is work my program, show up and let life happen. And all is good.
Hugs
HAH! He stopped using, and MY problems didn't go away. I kept checking, playing codie detective, sure that he would slip sooner or later and I wanted to be one step ahead of him.
One day I realized that I was as sick as he was, and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was sick of always being on guard, anxious, and tired of the never ending fear...fear of him using and fear of him relapsing when he stopped using. Sick, sick, sick.
Finally, I just reached a place where I didn't care if they told me to dance sideways and swing garlic over my head...I was ready to try anything. So I tried a meeting and made a commitment to myself that if the meeting didn't work out, I would continue to go anyway until I had something else in place. I KNEW I needed help and I no longer cared where it came from.
My first three meetings I just sat there and sobbed. They handed me the whole box of tissues, and didn't push me to do anything but sit there sobbing until I was ready. Through my tears, I saw something "they" had, didn't know what it was but I wanted it more than anything I had ever wanted. I found out it was called "serenity".
At the end of the meeting, one kind lady gave me a big hug and told me that I would be okay. For some reason, I believed her and that kind lady later became my sponsor and led me through the 12 steps that saved my life then and continues to save my life today.
It didn't happen over night, but it happened. I got to know that stranger called "me" and I found that I liked her, warts and all. One baby step at a time, maybe by osmosis, recovery began to take form and become a way of living instead of something other people did.
I have never looked back, and today I am grateful for the good place recovery has brought me. Today I know that I never ever ever have to return to the darkness or pain of codependency. All I have to do today is work my program, show up and let life happen. And all is good.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
((((((kalicdk)))) welcome to s.r. you are right when we all were at one time.there is alot of info here,lots of help & support. there is nothing u can do to keep your husband clean,he has got to do it himself.for you,get to reading all the info u can about addiction.start with "what addicts do" at the top of the forum.it is a long road which u are well aware of with an addict.learn to take care of you & detach with love from your husband.it is HIS praoblem.you can have a life & be happy when you learn with the right tools.prayers, hope
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Kalidk - I am very new to my own process of recovery. For years I was the neurotic Nancy Drew (who am I kidding, I still kind of am), always searching for a relapse. I bottled everything up and I too was ready to explode.
I also rejected the idea of AlAnon/NarAnon the beginning, and I think it was because I was not ready to face the demons that were bottled up, making me ready to explode. Although we share similar experiences, we come to terms with our situation and cope with it in very different ways.
Something that makes me feel better is to treat myself to something each day...it could be a walk by myself, something chocolate, or just 20 minutes of meditation in my backyard. It only works for me if I do it 100% for my own benefit...good luck
I also rejected the idea of AlAnon/NarAnon the beginning, and I think it was because I was not ready to face the demons that were bottled up, making me ready to explode. Although we share similar experiences, we come to terms with our situation and cope with it in very different ways.
Something that makes me feel better is to treat myself to something each day...it could be a walk by myself, something chocolate, or just 20 minutes of meditation in my backyard. It only works for me if I do it 100% for my own benefit...good luck
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