Are A's all liars as well?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Are A's all liars as well?
I was just wondering if the habitual characteristic of not telling the truth is something that goes along with the Alcoholic? My exh lies about everything from his drinking down to his involvement with other women.
For more on my situation you can read "strange situation". On top of the binge drinking he tells me he wants to work this relationship out but yet has other women dangling on the side.
For more on my situation you can read "strange situation". On top of the binge drinking he tells me he wants to work this relationship out but yet has other women dangling on the side.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Yes! Yes! Yes!
I would guess that 95% of what my XABF has told me in ten years was lies. Actually at the beginning it might have been 50%, but at the end it was 95%. Now you might ask "why did you STICK with him?" Because we were internet friends for most of those years only, and weren't "committed to each other" until the end. Then after the fact, I talked to friends and ex-girlfriends and the horror story came out.
I STILL continue to get confirmation on this and it is GOOD. Know why? It keeps me on the straight and narrow, staying AWAY from him. Here's the latest. I told everyone on this forum that he had gone on a trip to Key West and on the way home the two girls riding with him and his buddy engaged in sex in the back seat. NEVER HAPPENED! One of the girls gave the driver a BJ, and my XABF one also. Well no wonder he lied ... the lie was bad enough, but the truth would have labeled him as a cheater for SURE.
"How do you know if an alcoholic is lying? He opens his mouth." That's my favorite.
LIES, LIES, LIES! QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!
I would guess that 95% of what my XABF has told me in ten years was lies. Actually at the beginning it might have been 50%, but at the end it was 95%. Now you might ask "why did you STICK with him?" Because we were internet friends for most of those years only, and weren't "committed to each other" until the end. Then after the fact, I talked to friends and ex-girlfriends and the horror story came out.
I STILL continue to get confirmation on this and it is GOOD. Know why? It keeps me on the straight and narrow, staying AWAY from him. Here's the latest. I told everyone on this forum that he had gone on a trip to Key West and on the way home the two girls riding with him and his buddy engaged in sex in the back seat. NEVER HAPPENED! One of the girls gave the driver a BJ, and my XABF one also. Well no wonder he lied ... the lie was bad enough, but the truth would have labeled him as a cheater for SURE.
"How do you know if an alcoholic is lying? He opens his mouth." That's my favorite.
LIES, LIES, LIES! QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!
Last edited by CBrown; 10-18-2007 at 01:39 PM. Reason: typo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Thanks for the quick replies. He is defending his stance to the end when I know he is in contact with another woman. Through some snooping I have found a pattern that he contacts her mostly when he is on his drinking binge.
Someone remind me why I want him in my life? And now we have to share a child together.
Someone remind me why I want him in my life? And now we have to share a child together.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
okay, you asked for a reminder so i'll ask you a question, what are you getting out of the relationship? that is the question you have to ask.
lying leads to twisting everything. it is part of the denial and manipulation. you start believing the lies and they have you believing your the crazy one and then they have you.
it is just one of many defense mechanisms that they have that allows them to continue their addiction and justify it.
lying leads to twisting everything. it is part of the denial and manipulation. you start believing the lies and they have you believing your the crazy one and then they have you.
it is just one of many defense mechanisms that they have that allows them to continue their addiction and justify it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
yes. most of us A's have a disease of perception. We script our lives the way we need them to be so we can live with ourselves, sleep at night, and not have to change.
until we are ready to do whatever it takes to grow up, get sober and become fearlessly honest.
those who are in codependent relationships with us who thought it difficult to navigate in the fog of our lies, may actually find the bright light of blinding honesty can be just as uncomfortable, which is why both parties are advised to seek recovery.
until we are ready to do whatever it takes to grow up, get sober and become fearlessly honest.
those who are in codependent relationships with us who thought it difficult to navigate in the fog of our lies, may actually find the bright light of blinding honesty can be just as uncomfortable, which is why both parties are advised to seek recovery.
harleygirl92156
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: IOWA
Posts: 430
As other have said they lie for various reasons, but I guess 99.99% of them lie, it is a symptom of the disease.
Ok, I dont' know if this will help you understand, but here goes. My AH cheated when he was active. I didn't find out (I has suspected for a long time) until he went through recovery and fessed up. The women were barfly whores (my opinion). I was a good wife, good job, respectable, nice looking, thin, liked to have fun, etc...why would a man, any man go for an old hag on a bar stool when he had a good woman at home? Well my hubby explained it to me after he got sober, and maybe the reasons are different with each man, but my husbands perspective sure helped me understand cause it made sense.
He wanted to drink, I drank with him for awhile, but since I am not alcoholic, would want to go home at a decent hour, or would ask him to quit as he was getting drunk. So after awhile, he would sneak to the bar after work so he didn't have me there and I wouldn't want him to go home. Then when he was "full" he would come home to me waiting at the door at 2 in the morning, mad as an ole wet hen and chappin' his ass for hours. Ok so she is always at the bar, she is alway friendly, she always asks him for a dance or two, SHE BUYS HIM A DRINK AND ENCOURAGES HIM TO HAVE A COUPLE MORE......she is an alcoholic also and doesn't want to drink alone. He completely seperated his life, I was his wife, he treated me as a wife, she was his hore drinking buddy and he treated her like one (sex in the back seat how degrading is that) This goes on for awhile then she starts to move on to someone else, hubby doesn't want to lose his DRINKING PARTNER, so he makes the moves on her to keep her around. It works, she is all over it. Their relationship lasted 9 months and they had sex 3 times so it wasn't about the sex, it was about DRINKING TOGETHER. I was the enemy she was the companion, the drinking buddy, the fun one. There has to be something in it besides sex for them or they won't go there. It is all about alcohol.
So I ask, do these women he sees, frequent the bars? are they heavy drinkers? are they so opposite you it isn't funny?
Ok, I dont' know if this will help you understand, but here goes. My AH cheated when he was active. I didn't find out (I has suspected for a long time) until he went through recovery and fessed up. The women were barfly whores (my opinion). I was a good wife, good job, respectable, nice looking, thin, liked to have fun, etc...why would a man, any man go for an old hag on a bar stool when he had a good woman at home? Well my hubby explained it to me after he got sober, and maybe the reasons are different with each man, but my husbands perspective sure helped me understand cause it made sense.
He wanted to drink, I drank with him for awhile, but since I am not alcoholic, would want to go home at a decent hour, or would ask him to quit as he was getting drunk. So after awhile, he would sneak to the bar after work so he didn't have me there and I wouldn't want him to go home. Then when he was "full" he would come home to me waiting at the door at 2 in the morning, mad as an ole wet hen and chappin' his ass for hours. Ok so she is always at the bar, she is alway friendly, she always asks him for a dance or two, SHE BUYS HIM A DRINK AND ENCOURAGES HIM TO HAVE A COUPLE MORE......she is an alcoholic also and doesn't want to drink alone. He completely seperated his life, I was his wife, he treated me as a wife, she was his hore drinking buddy and he treated her like one (sex in the back seat how degrading is that) This goes on for awhile then she starts to move on to someone else, hubby doesn't want to lose his DRINKING PARTNER, so he makes the moves on her to keep her around. It works, she is all over it. Their relationship lasted 9 months and they had sex 3 times so it wasn't about the sex, it was about DRINKING TOGETHER. I was the enemy she was the companion, the drinking buddy, the fun one. There has to be something in it besides sex for them or they won't go there. It is all about alcohol.
So I ask, do these women he sees, frequent the bars? are they heavy drinkers? are they so opposite you it isn't funny?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by harleygirl92156 
As other have said they lie for various reasons, but I guess 99.99% of them lie, it is a symptom of the disease.
Ok, I dont' know if this will help you understand, but here goes. My AH cheated when he was active. I didn't find out (I has suspected for a long time) until he went through recovery and fessed up. The women were barfly whores (my opinion). I was a good wife, good job, respectable, nice looking, thin, liked to have fun, etc...why would a man, any man go for an old hag on a bar stool when he had a good woman at home? Well my hubby explained it to me after he got sober, and maybe the reasons are different with each man, but my husbands perspective sure helped me understand cause it made sense.
He wanted to drink, I drank with him for awhile, but since I am not alcoholic, would want to go home at a decent hour, or would ask him to quit as he was getting drunk. So after awhile, he would sneak to the bar after work so he didn't have me there and I wouldn't want him to go home. Then when he was "full" he would come home to me waiting at the door at 2 in the morning, mad as an ole wet hen and chappin' his ass for hours. Ok so she is always at the bar, she is alway friendly, she always asks him for a dance or two, SHE BUYS HIM A DRINK AND ENCOURAGES HIM TO HAVE A COUPLE MORE......she is an alcoholic also and doesn't want to drink alone. He completely seperated his life, I was his wife, he treated me as a wife, she was his hore drinking buddy and he treated her like one (sex in the back seat how degrading is that) This goes on for awhile then she starts to move on to someone else, hubby doesn't want to lose his DRINKING PARTNER, so he makes the moves on her to keep her around. It works, she is all over it. Their relationship lasted 9 months and they had sex 3 times so it wasn't about the sex, it was about DRINKING TOGETHER. I was the enemy she was the companion, the drinking buddy, the fun one. There has to be something in it besides sex for them or they won't go there. It is all about alcohol.
So I ask, do these women he sees, frequent the bars? are they heavy drinkers? are they so opposite you it isn't funny?
Ok, I dont' know if this will help you understand, but here goes. My AH cheated when he was active. I didn't find out (I has suspected for a long time) until he went through recovery and fessed up. The women were barfly whores (my opinion). I was a good wife, good job, respectable, nice looking, thin, liked to have fun, etc...why would a man, any man go for an old hag on a bar stool when he had a good woman at home? Well my hubby explained it to me after he got sober, and maybe the reasons are different with each man, but my husbands perspective sure helped me understand cause it made sense.
He wanted to drink, I drank with him for awhile, but since I am not alcoholic, would want to go home at a decent hour, or would ask him to quit as he was getting drunk. So after awhile, he would sneak to the bar after work so he didn't have me there and I wouldn't want him to go home. Then when he was "full" he would come home to me waiting at the door at 2 in the morning, mad as an ole wet hen and chappin' his ass for hours. Ok so she is always at the bar, she is alway friendly, she always asks him for a dance or two, SHE BUYS HIM A DRINK AND ENCOURAGES HIM TO HAVE A COUPLE MORE......she is an alcoholic also and doesn't want to drink alone. He completely seperated his life, I was his wife, he treated me as a wife, she was his hore drinking buddy and he treated her like one (sex in the back seat how degrading is that) This goes on for awhile then she starts to move on to someone else, hubby doesn't want to lose his DRINKING PARTNER, so he makes the moves on her to keep her around. It works, she is all over it. Their relationship lasted 9 months and they had sex 3 times so it wasn't about the sex, it was about DRINKING TOGETHER. I was the enemy she was the companion, the drinking buddy, the fun one. There has to be something in it besides sex for them or they won't go there. It is all about alcohol.
So I ask, do these women he sees, frequent the bars? are they heavy drinkers? are they so opposite you it isn't funny?
For the active A, there is no good reason to lie, but there ARE a million great excuses.
I would not focus on the "other" women, what they are like, are they like me or opposite me, all this is crazymaking, for me. I would instead, simply be honest with myself.
What is going on? is it healthy for me? What is MY role in it? Am i willing to accept this as it is or am I willing to change the things in MY life that I can change in order to have a healthy life?
These are better questions for me than to focus on WHY someone is lying, WHO someone is lying about or WHETHER the other woman is alcoholic.
just for me, that is.
DeniseH
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Iowa
Posts: 33
Yes, I think it certainly does goes hand in hand, using and lying. The saddest part of it all is that they don't even know what is a lie and what is the truth anymore. Don't you just wish they could remember what you remember - and how your versions are so different.
Sometimes I want to just sit him down and tell him all the things he has done that he has no good recollection about, but I know that would be futile!
Billie's got his beer googles on!
Sometimes I want to just sit him down and tell him all the things he has done that he has no good recollection about, but I know that would be futile!
Billie's got his beer googles on!
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
My AS said his lying is so bad he will even lie about the ingred. in his burrito. He said is has become so habitual that he lies even when the lie doesn't have any significance or gain him anything. YES addicts lie.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Mine lied sooo much, that I went to Alanon to cope with my sanity issues.
He even would claim he was stopping the lies, then he would lie the next minute.
More recently, after I found out about a girl he had for months, he beat me up, went to jail, and then wanted to come 'clean'. He spoke of his "double life" He claimed it was purely survival. He was following his booze wherever it took him. He followed where the buzz was going.
I brought up that he wasn't always drunk, and he stated that, no, he wasnt, but he was always working on ensuring that he would be able to become drunk in the next few hours...
The women made it seem in his mind like he was doing something glamourous he said, that he would not have survived just feeling that he was just wasting away, like a smack junkie, while I stayed at home raising our son with no help, financial or otherwise,he said..He could charm them, and they would think he was a good man for a minute, AND he would get his buzz on. Just like a junkie...he said...
But I dont believe a word he says.
If a miracle happened,by Gods' own hand, I dont know if I would still ever be able to fully trust the words that come from THAT mouth. That is how I feel today, anyway. I think it is progress. I feel good, knowing that my lie detector is no longer on the fritz. Maybe it is in overdrive, but I dont care. I would rather be wrong, even vigilant, than to fall for his quacking tricks again. B66
He even would claim he was stopping the lies, then he would lie the next minute.
More recently, after I found out about a girl he had for months, he beat me up, went to jail, and then wanted to come 'clean'. He spoke of his "double life" He claimed it was purely survival. He was following his booze wherever it took him. He followed where the buzz was going.
I brought up that he wasn't always drunk, and he stated that, no, he wasnt, but he was always working on ensuring that he would be able to become drunk in the next few hours...
The women made it seem in his mind like he was doing something glamourous he said, that he would not have survived just feeling that he was just wasting away, like a smack junkie, while I stayed at home raising our son with no help, financial or otherwise,he said..He could charm them, and they would think he was a good man for a minute, AND he would get his buzz on. Just like a junkie...he said...
But I dont believe a word he says.
If a miracle happened,by Gods' own hand, I dont know if I would still ever be able to fully trust the words that come from THAT mouth. That is how I feel today, anyway. I think it is progress. I feel good, knowing that my lie detector is no longer on the fritz. Maybe it is in overdrive, but I dont care. I would rather be wrong, even vigilant, than to fall for his quacking tricks again. B66
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Hmm..
I lied all the time as a child.
I always wanted my life to be fantastic.
It was mundane and ordinary.
I lied all the time when I drank.
I wanted my life to be fantastic.
It became depressing and pathetic.
In AA recovery...my life is fantastic
I have no urge to lie.
Blessings to all those who suffer
:ghug
I lied all the time as a child.
I always wanted my life to be fantastic.
It was mundane and ordinary.
I lied all the time when I drank.
I wanted my life to be fantastic.
It became depressing and pathetic.
In AA recovery...my life is fantastic
I have no urge to lie.
Blessings to all those who suffer
:ghug
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