minou

I'm panicking. I have that old obsessed, freaked out feeling. F#@%. I hate it.
My AH, who has been successfully in recovery for a couple of years, has taken out 40 THOUSAND DOLLARS out of our house-secured credit line. I just discovered this yesterday checking the bank site on-line.
He is supposedly phasing out of his current job and going into a new one soon. So, of course his income would be lower now----- but WHAT??? 40k?? He never asked or told me.
Why am I here? Because I have not talked to him yet. I want to think/say/do the right thing. NOT the codie thing. Of course he will have some long, drawn out explanation!!! and a good one too. he is so smart and is a very highly educated professional. My new recovering self says to me ---cut to the chase right now and tell him this is absolutely not ok, and then I should set up some kind of legal protection for me---- legal separation?? transmutation agreement?? something to protect me. Our agreement in the beginning of reccovery was that he take care of his oun financial problems himself. it's part of his recovery.
Even though he is not drinking, and has been really so much better to be around, I think he still has the Alcoholic thinking---Any comments from anyone living w/ an A that is in recovery but is still doing weird things?? AHHHH. Minou

CBrown

Not good. I work in the mortgage industry and a lot of it would depend whose name is on the HELOC agreement (his, yours, both?), your state laws, and how much equity you have in your secured property.

Sounds like you need some professional advice on this one, and from someone in CA. Then I'd calmly ask him to explain what he's done. As his wife, his partner, I would certainly want to be a part of the financial goings-on in the house, especially if it has potentially to financially hurt OR help me!

hopeangel

no advice, just sympathy. it is just another slap in the face and i know how that feels i'm sorry. find out the facts. i would not take him at his word for anything.

hadenoughnow

Just tell him that he better pay that 40K back NOW or it will come out of his half in the divorce.

My AH still has crappy credit even though all the credit cards he ran up years ago are paid now because he does dumb stuff like refuses to pay a $25 doctor bill and it goes to collections.

elizabeth1979

What Anvilsaid..and legal separation to protect any assets he hasnt touched if he has no trinket or Mercedes.

Im so sorry. How painful.
I think its important to let you know, that you dont have to worry about overreacting or being codie about this. This is a big deal.

Hugs

inflamleft

I would most certainly want an explanation and be prepared for it to not be the answer you are wanting to hear. Inhale and exhale..
I remember the many nights that I had to hide my purse, the checkbook and keys otherwise he would take it all. He has wiped our account out a couple times, then I wised up and actually took his name off of it. Yes, that caused an issue, but when he was sober he understood. So then it got to him saying yes, what I should have done and will now give him an allowance. I know that sounds kind of funny, but it worked for awhile - long enough for me to think I could trust him again with access to the money...well, hah - joke on me! Did it again and this time when he went into jail it was back to just my name on the accts. He has hinted a couple times about getting back on, but no way! He has had a couple slips and no way will I trust him yet. He has never worked steady, I have always held down the steady income and the insurance, so it wasn't just his money he spent. Of course, when he did work there were a lot of times that I never saw his check. It is horrible, because he makes in a week way more than I make in two weeks.

Janitw

I am like Claudia....I'm in the mortgage business and in my state NO MORTGAGE LOAN whether its a Heloc or 1st or 2nd mortgage would be allowed without the spouse present at the closing due to their dower rights in the property. I do believe that CA is a dower state hun....check with a mortgage professional or any loan officer in your state ok...the title company could be in alot of trouble if you have dower rights......so can you husband....check on the 1003 application and see if he told the loan officer that he was single or married.....and then insist on looking at the title work that the title company did which would have been turned into the lender ok...

This has to hurt for you hun....get mad - it's OKAY.

Janitw

minou

Thank you for your comments. I do feel better hearing that it IS a big deal. One of my codie problems is buying into how he will respond--that it isn't a big deal and I am the problem---you know the 'ole:
"just relax, it'll be fine, i told you i was working things out with work, it'll just take a while. i'll pay it back".
Then I feel like a lame person for squawking... Oh, yeah, this behavior is fine. This is a normal thing to do. It's cool. If I think like that then I can IGNORE IT ALL and just be in denial like I was back when he was quietly drinking up a storm on the "Q-T".
I don't want to do that. I need to say "this is NOT OK, FIX IT" ------geeeez, I'm yelling in my text
anyway, I appreciate your support of the fact that this is bad. And it feels bad.
I'm headed home now to have the 2 minute talk. Thanks again.
M

Barbara52

Anytime a spouse takes large sums of money without consulting the other there is some big problem there. Alcohol doesn't even have to enter the picture. I'd be worried too. That is you money as well and you have a right to know what's going on.

GiveLove

Minou,

Is the HELOC in your name AND in his?

Talk to your bank, and talk to an attorney about how to protect yourself.

And I'd be talking for a h#ll of a lot longer than two minutes, myself.
Why did you do this?
Why would you even THINK that it would be okay to do it without consulting with me?
What planet are you living on?
When are you going to stop treating me like I don't matter?

You are very right to be upset. Now do something about it, or you will spend the next few decades of your life trying to get back your financial stability.

From someone who's been there....
GL

Janitw

If the heloc was in both of their names she would have been at the closing.....if this has happened as in past tense....which it is...she is not and I repeat not....on this note but if he defaults on this note it does not mean that the lender won't hold her just as responsible if they know he is married and she has a job....

embraced2000

something is really stinking here. you say he has been successfully in recovery for over two years, so it doesn't sound as if this can be blamed on alcoholism behavior.

something else seems to be going on. and you have every right to demand answers. like someone else said, you may not like the answers.

i know if i had done something secretive like that, it would because i had some sort of plan....like investing in something or making a quick get-a-way.

better get on it, hon, and try to get yourself financinally protected.

best of luck to you and huge hugs
let us know, ok?
jeri

Wascally Wabbit

I can only give my experience.
My xah cashed in his 401k without my knowledge and blew every penny within 6 months. This was a huge chunk of money too.
As time went on, he didin't pay his credit cards, or his taxes! I wound up filing seperately a year later since his promises to file never happened. That got me out of the IRS mess.
Fast forward to after our divorce: I find all his credit cards on MY credit report as unpaid with me as an authorized user, and one HUGE one had me as a joint holder.
You can not imagine my horror or the terrible depression I went through after learning this.
I am still working on getting his financial mess off my report.
So, I suggest you check yours often.
Not to include your spouse on such a tremendously huge decision like yours would send up a red flag the size of the state of Texas.
CYOB. That's what I learned.
I hope it works out for you.

rkymtncowboy

My AW did that to me also, it was my tax money, don't remember the amount but it was around 30k. Yep that is alcoholic thinking, she still thinks it was O.K. Now my tax money goes into a separate account and I keep out an extra 10% just in case. Just can't trust them. I did call the cops and they told me it was community property.
The 401k senario sucks, social security won't be enough.