PaddyCake

I am an adult child of an alcoholic father. My father is currently using and falling deeper and deeper into his addiction everyday. Recently, he went on a 5 or 6 day binge. He quit his job, locked himself into a bedroom, and drank. He has just recently crawled out of the bedroom.

My mom has retained an attorney and wants my dad out of the house by the first week of November. My dad is agreeable to the divorce, and thinks it is for the best. Our entire family, on both my mom and dad's side, reside in Minnesota. However, on the same day my mom told my dad about the divorce, he started looking for jobs and apartments in Arizonia.

My dad wants to leave this weekend and he has already (in less than a week) found an apartment in AZ. I have talked to my mom about all of this, the divorce and him moving to AZ. My dad has not called me once (but he literally HAS NEVER called me or my brother in years). I asked my mom if he said anything about me or my 21 year old brother. She said no, he did not say anything about us.

Am I being abondoned as an adult child? My dad has just decided to up and leave with no good-bye. It seems as though he wants to leave as soon as he can. I am guessing he wants to protect his addiction and it will be easiest for him to do when he is over 1,000 miles away from everyone he knows.

I am also feeling kinda guilty. Should I be trying to talk to him? Should I make an effort to see him before he leaves? I don't really know what my place is here. I don't really WANT to see him, but wonder if I should.

Thanks for listening Any advice?

Peter

Sounds to me like your father abandoned his family years ago.

I understand why this would make you sad but you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Unless in some way you feel there is something you can do or say to help your father with his problem then i wouldn't waste too much time on guilt. I would guess that by now he should be aware that there is Alcoholics Anonymous and other treatment options available if he wants to find help.

I too am the child of an alcoholic and i can never once ever remember my father telling me he loved me and there were many times i felt he loved alcohol and bars and his drinking buddies more than he loved me. My father is old now and does not have a hell of a lot of time left on this earth , but even though he still has not said the words, I know how much he regrets the past and how much he still loves his family. He no longer drinks.

Even the worse alcoholic can recover . I think it would be a very sad thing if one day your father found recovery and yet never saw his family again because you had drifted so far apart and lost contact.

GiveLove

I agree with Peter, PaddyCake.

He abandoned you all long ago.

Best to let him follow his own dark path, and get on with your bright one as best you can. See if you can stand together as a family now; you all need it.

Hugs,
GL

Wascally Wabbit

This is what the alcohol and drugs do to people. It makes them irresponsible. Rest assured none of it is your fault. It's what he choses to do and no one can fix it.
He needs help and until he realizes that for himself, he will remain the same.
The best thing you can do is to make it to an alanon meeting and learn how to take the focus off him, and put it on yourself where you can heal from all this hurt.
Everyone else is right. He abandoned you long ago. I have an alcoholic mother who was the meanest hatefulest thing on earth. Then she quit drinking. Miracles do happen!
Take care.

GingerM

Not much to add, but putting some more weight behind the "he abandoned you years ago" idea. You haven't had a father. Now you will have a "not father" who lives in Arizona.

PaddyCake

Thanks for your thoughts and advice! I agree that we (my mom, brother, grandma, and myself) need to put the focus back on us. That sometimes is really hard to do, but I think it might be easier with my dad in AZ. It is harder for the chaos to reach us here, which I am very grateful for!

Peter and Wabbit, I am really happy to hear that your parents have quit drinking. It shows there is some hope. Peter, it is nice you can see that your dad loves you and is sorry eventhough he cannot express that to you in words. However, I guess I won't hold my breath any longer for that to happen to my dad. My dad did go through treatment after we had an intervention a few years ago; however, he started drinking again not long after he got out. He has told my mom that he does not want to go back to treatment again and does not want help. That is fine, that is his choice to make. I will try to accept that without becoming hurt or angry (which is also difficult, but I am trying!)

I never thought of being abandoned before his move, but you are all right. I would go home and see my dad every few months, but otherwise, I never spoke or had contact with him. He never made an effort to keep in contact with me when I moved out for college. Even when I do see my dad every so often, he is not there emotionally. It is almost uncomfortable.

duet_4-8

Hi and welcome!!
I don't have much to add either, accept to say that I also agree that he abandoned you a very long time ago. I know for my children, they are much happier and in a much better place emotionally when their addicted/abusive dad just leaves them alone. It is difficult, because of course they want a dad. But it is reality and they have to accept that daily and focus on their own lives. (I wish he WOULD go to AZ!! LOL!!!)

What your dad chooses to do or not do is no reflection on you. A's are so completely wrapped up in their own junk that the last thing they think about is how their behavior is affecting anyone. They don't love themselves, so they can't love us. It's all about them and their pain and it's everyone's fault but their own.

Be kind to yourself and know that you are worthy of love.