chero

Well, he's dating. My XAH waited exactly one month from the date of the divorce to start dating.

I know it shouldn't bother me. I mean I guess it shouldn't. At first it really, really upset me. I imagined that she was fabulous and gorgeous and Ms. Wonderful and that he would change because of her charm and beauty and finally become everything I always wanted him to be.

Then I thought about how we were in the beginning when things were good and I realized that eventually history will repeat itself....reality will rear it's ugly head and sooner or later he'll want a drink and...well, ya'll know the rest.
Maybe she'll be smarter or stronger than I was and leave immediately.

A friend said I should send the new girl a thank you card. I think sympathy is more like it.
Anyway, he's dating and it makes me sad.

Janitw

Send her your condolences.......hehe

No seriously hun.....I know how you feel and it hurts alot...somehow we think that they shouldn't want anyone else but us but then they find someone new right out of the gate and it sets us back again....just remember that we got their best years all she is getting is whats left hunny.....((((((((((((((chero))))))))))))))

Janitw

CBrown

Yes, it does hurt. But honestly, don't you think these abusive, cheating, loser As should have to wear a sign, or have their forehead tattooed so the new girl knows what she's getting into? Does she know? I wish someone, anyone would have tipped me off at the beginning when I got involved with R.

Pick-a-name

(((chero))) I know how you feel....I am still having a difficult time with this.

Our 25y son said what I try to remind myself (and other things,too )...."wait until he goes off on her and her kids".

hbb

So sorry Chero, it hurts really bad, i don't have any answers as it's just happened to me as well, although, mine didn't wait a month, he went from me directly back to his exgf. I keep reminding myself that we are all better off, out of the chaos, drama, financial ruin....let her have that "prize" back!

For me, I think it's an insecurity my ex has, he can't be alone period.

Hugs to you, like you said, start drinking again and we all know the rest, you hit the nail on the head there. ((()))

Rella927

Chero So sorry that you are going through this! I have been there before too! How come he can do this and that for her and not me...blah blah. The reality of it is true like Pick-a-name pointed out or rather her son! History will continue to repeat itself and you need to realize that you did have the best years and cherish them! Now you are happy and this too shall pass....and you will continue to be happy and take care of yourself!

sojourner

Been there, done that.

My at-the-time husband started the new relationship before he even moved out of the marital home. That was many years ago. I survived, and thrived. But it was a sad time for me to think that the marriage would not survive and that there would be many heartaches for our three children because of it. But God is good and so faithful.

I realized, even at the time it was happening, that because he had this girlfriend (whom he eventually married) he was "in love" and we all know the whole world loves a lover - which made him take his angry focus off me..... for a while anyway.

wpgwoman

Personally, I hate it when these thoughts creep into my head. Oh boy do I ever relate to them. Believe it or not, these same exact thoughts are part of the reason I find myself still involved with my A. It's like, why should some other woman reap the benefits of everything that I have lived through with my A and his disease.

Then there are the times when I tell myself I wish he was some other woman's problem. Those are the thoughts that I try the hardest to hold on to. But really, why would I wish him on someone else?

Hang in there!

hopeangel

ouch chero that has to hurt. hey, it's a lot of our biggest fear right, but you know what- this is such a small thing compared to what you have ALREADY overcome.

when you think about being hurt by it just think about how much more you hurt with him. that should cure it think of all the bad bad things he did to you and will continue to do without treatment.

accepting this and getting over it is just another step in the healing process sweetie. you'll be stronger when you do.

hbb

I completely agree, then i try to remind myself that if it couldn't work with us, who stuck by them through thick in thin than there's a VERY high chance it won't work out with the next one.....or at least i'm trying to convince myself of that these days.

parentrecovers

mine got MARRIED to a woman with 2 kids about a month after...she was his bartender. figures....

i felt sorry for those children...

hugs, let it go - you did the right thing for yourself. the rest - not your concern anymore. k

CBrown

"mine got MARRIED to a woman with 2 kids about a month after...she was his bartender. figures...."

Hey, not a bad deal for an A, you know? (sarcasm)
I'm right there with ya, Parentrecovers. My XABF is back with the bartender wench and they're planning on getting hitched by Elvis in Vegas in February. Uh-huh-huh!

parentrecovers

everyone asked me if i thought they were having a relationship while he and i were still together. i said "who cares"...

Pilgrim

When I get those thoughts, it helps me if I ask my HP to take my fear of being alone and abandoned, my insecurity and pride away. These are instincts I don't need and being an alcoholic, they are lethal for me. No expectations = no resentments. The request is usually answered.

Then I get on and make sure I am out with people. Do you have friends in Al-anon? Go have a night out to celebrate him dating. Live well. Be happy. Excercise. Floss. Shop and make sure it is his money you are spending. Get stuff that is going to make you look and feel wonderful. You are our sister in SR and we think you are the fabulous gorgeous one. She will be thinking the same thing about you.

CBrown

I just thought of something. I was talking to a friend of my XABF yesterday, and said "does he treat her well?" He said "Hell, no!" He also told me that he'd told R one day when he was treating him bad "don't treat ME like one of your b*tches!"

Don't we always tend to think "He's treating her differently. They're going out together, doves are cooing, life is wonderful, he's going to marry her, they'll have 2.5 kids together, grow old .... blah blah blah!!!"

NO! He's treating her as crappy as he treated you. How did your relationship go? Probably the same as mine. At first when I went back into his life, he was ambivalent. Then he realized with some sweet talking he could get me to do a lot of things for him. He told himself and me that I was the one and only. But then he started getting grumpy about things. Then it was in public. Then he started drunken tirades. Then he started flirting with other women. Then he went out with another woman. Then he was remorseful. Then he really got verbally abusive. Then he really had me trapped into doing everything he needed done. And ON and ON and ON until I said ENOUGH!!!!

Now insert your story. Now insert that woman he's gone to. She's getting the same abuse and as his drinking gets worse, so will all the bad things that made you angry, sad, and ultimately made him go away or you made him go away for.

We can't look back and be envious about who has them now. All we should do is shudder and thank our HP that we don't have to put up with that now.

I know, easier said than done, but there's my pep-talk for the day!!!:ghug3

Loopylou

My XAH starting dating an old girlfriend around 2 months after he left and told me and my two sons about it 5 days after our divorce was final.
I have no idea what he is doing but I do know that she has two daughters (3 and 6) and that he is virtually living with her.
He sees my sons (15 & 13) for a couple of hours every couple of weeks.
I too have been in agony over this - he was upset when he first left and within weeks was very abusive to me - coincided with him starting to date this woman. I feel betrayed, discarded and as if he was the one who divorced me not the other way round.
It really hurts is all I can say..........I have stopped all contact with him as he is just so rude and disrespectful to me when we talk or email. I have even thought to myself that I want him back..........God alone knows why!
I think it's normal to feel the way we do. It's not normal to leave a 20 year relationship (married 17yrs) and start up with an ex from 25yrs ago within weeks, without so much as a glance over your shoulder.
While we are suffering we are dealing with the pain of our marriages ending your and my ex-husband on the other hand are not allowing themselves to think about what has happened and are rebounding straight off with someone else to stop them having to feel their emotions. I'm sure my ex is drinking less (he has to drive to her home) and is reliable and probably doesn't scream abuse at her children like he did at my sons, but at the moment he is using the new relationship and the rush of "love" to numb his feelings just like he uses alcohol.
I know, and I'm sure you do deep down that you have made the best decision and done the right thing... if you were able to just swallow this without any feelings at all it would mean you were denying your feelings too. In some ways it's nice to feel after all these years of freezing my emotions - I just wish it wasn't emotional pain!
What has sort of helped me is to think of what I have achieved - I obtained a court order and my ex had to leave. I re-filed for divorce (2nd time, 1st time dropped it), I look after my two sons single handed with no help from anyone else, I haven't fallen apart, I work full time. I cook, clean, shop and go out from time to time. I may be a bit of a shell but I have held it together - I also held it together through years of poor treatment from him. I could go out, grab me the first man that took an interest, have him in my bed every night, disregard my children's feelings, make an idiot of myself by acting like a love sick teenager. I could also insist that he sees the boys more often as I want to spend time with a new partner etc etc.....
I would rather be where am I.......hurt, broken, newly divorced, but managing and sometimes more than managing - actually doing a good job!
Pat yourself on the back for being so strong!!

inflamleft

I have thought about this happening before and yes, it does make you very sad. It is like you want it to be doomed for them because then it won't hurt as bad. Most of us have seen our sober love and that is what keeps us hanging on, so you think it isn't fair that the "new" person will get the good person but she is welcome to the other s/o/b. It is such a catch 22. Just remember, what comes around goes around and there is always someone out there for you too - a better someone!

Loopylou

My eldest son told me tonight that he thought that if I'd stayed with his dad he may have been sober for us too. I told him he was drinking, that cheered him up a bit (he didn't know, as ex gave up for a few weeks when he first left). He said he wished he still had a dad.
It breaks my heart to hear him talk like that .. I told him I still loved dad and that I hadn't wanted a divorce but that we were all so unhappy it had to happen. Like me he doesn't get how his dad just walked away and took up with someone else. However his dad has borderline (narcissistic) personality disorder so he has no empathy or guilt or any true emotions - this was all made much worse by his alcoholism.
His new girlfriend and her two young daughters will be on the receiving end of his temper, intolerance and all else, but not for a while yet.
He has another ex lined up in the wings for when this goes wrong too.
Get yourself some counselling it has really helped me.

Mr. Christian

They seem to do this pretty fast. My Ex wife moved in with her 1st husband again. After that blew up she married some other guy 6 months later.

Then that blew up!!

It really ok, after awhile I started dating and I look back and I say thank you.

CBrown

I've said it a thousand times before, but I'll say it again. You SURE your A isn't my XABF? What IS it with As having ex's lined up, and rotating them? I am so glad I started talking to one of my XABF's XGFs. She has helped me so much! We actually tag teamed called him one day, and he said identical things to us. "I miss you", "You can always come back to me", "I always did love you". Why must they always have women to rotate through???? :wtf2