sheisanaddict

My ad has been out of the house for three weeks, has been staying with friends. She was told if she used she couldn't live at home. Out she went. Has run out of couches to sleep on.
She swears she is clean and is having a drug test to prove it.
My husband and I will allow her home under our rules

Have a job
Pass a drug test(she needs to pass this to get her suboxone which she has sold in the past)
Attend meetings
Be a member of the household and chip in on chores

Are we nuts, 3 times through detox in the last year.
Any ideas would be great

marle

I think that your boundaries are fair. If she breaks one are you prepared to kick her out again. My daughter has not lived at home since she has been an addict. I would seriously have to think long and hard before I would allow her back because I do not want to go through the heartbreak of kicking her out. Your daughter could go to a halfway house and she would be required to get a job, not use and contribute to the house. That way she has a bit of independence and you do not have to police her. There is always a way to beat a drug test. Hugs, Marle

Ann

You're no more nuts than most of us. I let my son come home several times, sadly it never worked out once.

That doesn't mean it may not for you. If this was her first time out, I think I might give her another change with firm rules in place, but only if I was prepared to have to turn her out again if she broke them.

Something that helped many of us when turning out our addict adult children...I used to make up a package with names of detox's, rehabs, NA meeting lists and men's hostels and phone numbers. That helped ME, even if it didn't help him, because I knew he always had the choice of getting off the street when he was ready.

I really hope things work out with your daughter. I alway thought it must be harder for moms with daughters.

Hugs

P.S. Don't rely too much on the drug test, they can be manipulated if the person taking it knows how. Just sharing that sad fact.

deedee

Your boundaries sound more than fair. You might also want to add a curfew, for your peace of mind. When my son lived here (and he was active btw), he came in at all hours and woke up the whole household. Not good when the rest of us had to get up in the morning and go to work.

I got to a point with my son, where moving back home was not an option. There are halfway houses out there if your daughter is serious about recovery, and it takes you and your husband out of the middle. I really hope this works out for all of you.

hugs & prayers ~

deedee

Done_With_It

~JMO~ But I would say No.... Drugs are soooo damn powerful, if we don't have a strong reason not to use, then we will use, it's pretty simple..

She was using on October 5th that's so recent, there are other options out there, If anything I would help her find one of those. A sober house, the salvation army, something, but not your house.

If she is at home, clean warm bed, house, food, the drugs love her, they will call her, even if she wants to stay clean.
MAYBE NOT..... But I needed things to be difficult, rent to pay, bills to pay, the thought of eviction if I didn't, I needed responsibility.
That was me. But I'm not everyone. She may be different.

Wascally Wabbit

I have had my son live with me and every time he messes up and I wind up upset and living right back in the chaos.
Its so hard to say no, especially when we see a spark of hope.
Just be prepared to stand by your policies if things don't go well.
If things DO go well, and we all hope they do, maybe a reward plan will help keep her on track!

hope213

set your boundries & stick to them.that is the main thing. i am also a firm beliver if the addict does not go to meetings they will not stay clean,but that is her problem.prayers for your daughter & your family, hope

Spiritual Seeker

good luck with your decision. It is hard for us to play the enforcers once they are grown addicted adults. Admitting that she needs a program and then organizing every day around a mtg. would be nice. She has to want to work it.
Hopefully you will have some nice times as a family and not just enforcing the rules.
This is an iffy situation....I hope it works out for all of you.

kelsh

I had to ask my son to leave after he sobered up....he lived about 90 miles away & his job brought him to town for a week. I made the mistake of letting him sleep in his old bedroom in the basement. He was high when he came home and drank himself into a stuper downstairs. He had a motel room to share with a co-worker but insisted he couldn't stay with another person. All kinds of excuses....for heavens sake he had been in the Navy four years.....he certainly shared rooms then.

He went to a friends house then and never asked to stay overnight at our house again. But many things happened after that and now he doesn't have a good quality of live since trying suicide....is now a quadraplegic and has caregivers in and out of his house most of the day and evening.

I give him support and do what he asks if it is reasonable these days. It is hard to see him the way he is but I tried to help him when he would let me and it didn't do anything but hurt me. I feel so sad....love him so much but what a waste of a life.

We have some good conversations on the phone and when I go visit. He lives about six country blocks from us. His Dad still has a hard time handling it. As you all know, the addict/alcoholic have to be willing to help themselves before others can help them. They sure could find a drug or a drink all on their own, even if they were broke.

I was the alcoholic in the family and it took me quite a while to wake up to what I was doing to myself. I hit my bottom and got help but almost died in the days before I asked for detox. I used to blame myself for my son's drinking but I can't. I talked with him about the genes in our family and all of the alcoholics and depressed relatives we had. He even went with me to AA and went for treatment four or five times. He also got counseling for his depression but chose, like I did, to drink to self-medicate his depression.

Sorry I went on so long. Our kids are our pride and joy. If they only knew how much we all love them.

kelsh

greeteachday

One thing I learned through the drama of active addiction was I could only do what I felt comfortable with. The beauty of SR is all the caring and wonderful sharing...I too found the comfort of home was a problem with my daughter, but I had to try...to set the boundaries and then be able to enforce them if they were violated. I believe my daughter understood that too. It wasn't that she didn't want to do it; the pull was just so strong. But each time she tried, she accomplished a little more and I have no regrets about having to go through the process myself too. Otherwise, I suspect I would be looking back now filled with "if only I's..."

Hugs and prayers...I hope she has reached the point where she is ready AND willing.

sheisanaddict

Thank You all for your words of understanding.
We are having a family meeting this week end. The rules will be agreed upon before she returns.
I hope her will is strong enough.
Thanks

caileesnana

I've let my daughter back home several times w/ boundries,rules, contracts, all of the above. For me, it only worked a few days, if that. She seems to do better away from us also, has a job, sponsor, home group. 90 in 90 etc. She wouldn't do this at home, don't know if it is triggers, having a soft spot to land or what. But if you do have her home, stand by what you say you will do, no matter what!
prayers,
susan

Impurrfect

Another thing you may want to think about...if she is living at home and working, let her pay rent.

The reason I say this, is I am living at home. It is quite humbling to me, since this is the first time I've had to come home in 28 years. When I came home, my dad said I would need to pay $100/week.

This has really helped me to boost my "I can do this attitude". My dad has had some really hard times financially, and I feel good that I am actually helping HIM, while he is helping ME. Even if he didn't need the money, I would still pay him because it makes me feel responsible and not as needy.

My dad's only other boundary is basically, if I use, I'm out. I'm paying other bills, but the rent is the one that makes me feel the best, because I'm contributing to the family...not just taking. It's a huge help in my recovery. I know of people who only pay $25/week rent but they feel the same way. It's not about the money...it's like done-with-it said, it's about responsibility.

Just a thought from this RA

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

rahsue

I think I'm gonna just copy your boundaries and give it to my AS I think your rules are outstanding.

Sigh

If you are nuts, I am nuts.

I let my son come home many times and many times it did not work out. The last time he came home it did work out but, he had been clean and sober for six months and he already had a job. The problem I see in letting them come home without a job is what are they going to do during the day when you are at work? Remember an addict alone is in bad company. Have you ever considered an Oxford house?

I’m not saying don’t let her come home as I said I let my son home many times and while it did not work out quite a few times, I’m not sorry that’s the way it played out.

The only other suggestion I have is to say what you mean and mean what you say. Don’t make false threats and then change your mind in a moment of compassion. Make boundaries that work for you and are reasonable for her. Remember for every boundary you make there should be a consequence if your boundary is not respected so I’ve found a short list is the best list.

When I let my son come home I told him that he could stay as long as he was clean and respectful to the household (not disruptive). This did not mean there were not other things I expected of him but the bottom line was clear, it was a choice, a single choice between drugs and family and he had to choose.

sigh

Lobo

I think the boundries you have set for your daughter are very reasonable. It is so hard when they come back home. My daughter is living with me and it is not easy. She is basically doing pretty well but last night she had a relapse. Not with drugs but with alcohol. Now I have to work on setting moe boundries. I wish she didn't live with me, but she does have a hearing on the 26th of this month so I'm not sure what is going to happen.

They just can't keep living in your house the way they were or nothing will change.

Hugs...........Lo