drainedwife

1. i think ive posted here before about this--i know i shouldnt quit my full-time job, but i keep thinking about it...my ah even said we can borrow money from his parents if i quit for 4-5 months and during that time i can look for a new job...i can also have time to go to meetings, support groups, or whatever...i have been looking for another job because my boss can be a real jerk--she talks to me like im stupid sometimes, and she talks to everyone this way, but im the only one under her, so i really get it more than anyone.....she should not be talking to me the way that she does....and so i feel that i have to get out of there....ive been looking for a decent p/t job or another f/t job....but havent had any luck...

2. this one is easier---i need a good book to read...on self esteem, or anything to get me stronger......

thanks.

caileesnana

I think the more you do for yourself--therapy, meetings, SR you will build self esteem the old fashioned way!
susan

MsPINKAcres

drained,

first let me say this is said in a spirit of love and compassion ok?

why do you think quitting a job, added stress of lower income, more bills, more finanical issues, more dependency on your AH and more ties to him & his family is going to make it easier for you to find time to work on your own recovery?

I don't mean that to sound harsh and that is just a different way of looking at it -

I can always have a "reason" not to go to a meeting, not to call someone for help, not to work with my sponsor, not to read recovery literature and on and on and on.

It doesn't matter if I work 1 job, 2 jobs or don't work at all - for me, it's about realizing that the voices in my head don't always know what is "right" for me. I will discount my needs in an instant - put everyone else ahead of me - that is my character defect - that is my co-dependent nature.

Coming into recovery, I have learned that sometimes I have to MAKE time for ME. And I have learned that world did not stop or come crashing down. Amazingly, others were able to manage without me being right there - Drs. were even able to deliver a grandchild without me being there to tell them how to do it!! - lol

Please know that I can relate so much to how you must feel - I felt the same way once - that I would never have enough time to devote myself to my own recovery. Now, 4 yrs in this program - I usually make 3 - 4 meetings a week - work with 6 sponsees on a f2f basis and 2 on-line plus work with my own sponsor, work full-time plus hold 2nd job 5 months of the yr.

And I am no superwoman - by far!! I just have the tools to know when to mind my own business and allow others the dignity to take care of their business too.

I highly recommend the book "How Al-Anon works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics" - it is a great book for anyone - I still read mine often - great info on recovery and learning to take care of ourselves.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

BrokenBridges24

I agree with the other ladies. Please do not quit. I would do as suggested and go speak with your boss about the way you feel. There is nothing wrong with being honest. If that does not work I would speak with someone in HR about it. Please do not quit. That is such a wrong move for you.

Books.. Hmmm I am reading “Don’t let your kids kill you.” It is pretty good and just what I needed.


-Broken

drainedwife

i thought you all would recommend me not quitting...
if i quit there is just time for me to get to meetings, therapist, work on myself...i would also not have the added stress of what to do with my kids when they have no school and being there for them after school.
i do not make enough to take care of myself & my kids...and ive been looking for months and cant find anything..i was thinking that i need a skill--a career--something i can train for in maybe 4 or 5 months like medical transcriptionist??? any ideas on that?? i could take off work; go to school or train on-line at home, and then get a better paying job in 4-5 months when im done.....any thoughts?

thanks again....
i cant talk to my boss--it would make things worse..shes unapproachable and i work in a small office where she is VERY close to the EXEC. DIR.

drainedwife

to answer the question about how are things at home with my ah----
they were somewhat better---SOMEWHAT--
but then Fri. night i found a dollar bill rolled up with residue (cocoaine) inside..on the kitchen floor..i showed it t ohim, he said it was from 9 days ago, when he relapsed...he was going to tell me, but was afraid to...
i dont believe him..
then on sat. we were arguing and i said that it is his drug debt as to why i have to wrok full-time..and he couldnt take hearing that so he came towards me yelling, pointing his finger, and was in my face...i covered my face thinking he might hurt me and started screaming..my daughter came over and pointed a scissor at him.....(she was using it at the time to cut her sweatshirt) ..it was yet another lovely scene at our house...

why dont i hit my bottom with things like this..its like i do for a temporary period and then the memory fades some and i forget some.....

MsPINKAcres

I believe the med. transcription courses are longer than 4 - 5 months - I have a very good friend that does that at home. She has tons of people that call her want to get into that business, but they usually are not willing to do the schooling for a yr - then you have to work somewhere to get the experience too.

It is not always steady either, not to mention, if you have computer problems, the hospital or dr ofc has computer problems - etc. - Forever she has worked from 11:00 am - 8 pm, this did allow her to make many meetings - not to mention it was difficult for her to particpate in her son's activities with school.

I have watched her struggle, working for 3 different hospitals - trying to make ends meet and she has yrs experience as a med. transc.

She was just recently blessed with one of the really, really good jobs - but those are really few & far between.

Not trying to discourage you - just want to encourage you to make sure you have all the facts about that field before you commit yourself to a school that you think may only be a few months, thinking you will have guaranteed great income - not always so.

Keep seeking your HP's direction - I'm sure the answers will come to you in the right time.

BrokenBridges24

:praying

I think you sound to me like you already made up your mind. I just hope it is the right decision for you and you are not making a mistake you will regret.

-Broken

pjbs55

A good book to read is choices by melodie beattie, please read co-dependent no more by her too

cinderellawkids

Sweetie the violotile situations progress. Its sad, it hurts but they do. Your daughter is getting involved which only makes it worse. I say this from my experience. This is the reason Im separated today, I ended up the insane acting one, but neither of us were right.

What happens when your children mention it to someone? The fear and thought of that was what helped me get my sanity to do something about it. Think about what its like to your daughter, her thoughts at the moment...

cmc

Drained,
I agree with all the advice given. I'm really scared for you. There are women I've known who have been brought up on charges of not reporting things like what happened in your kitchen...with the drugs and the violence- that lost their kids, to the addict, his family or to the foster system. You might think that it could not happen, but it can.
A judge will not care that you are trying to work things out- a judge will see that you have had knowledge of all this and not done anything to protect your kids. How long will it be 'you' that finds his drugs laying around your house? Your kids may have already found similar stuff around your house without your knowlege.
When I was a teacher, it was an automatic felony charge to ME, if I failed to report even 'suspected' abuse or neglect.
Going to a meeting takes one hour- I've never met anyone who quit working in order to attend meetings, or go to the dentist, or counseling.

BigSis

(((DW)))) Glad to see you back. Been thinking about you.

Got that list, yet? You know a list of what you want out of life. What colors you like, the type of home you want to have, the kind of clothes you want to wear, the places you want to visit. The things you want to do with your kids. The type of person you would like to be.

If not, why not sit down and make it now? Once it is done, you might discover that it is obvious that there is an area where you would be fulfilled... that is the one where you might want to seek out employment.

I am a big proponent of not leaving one job before the other one is secured. I've done it - it ain't easy. But statistics say that EMPLOYED people are more likely to be hired than UNEMPLOYED. Dust up the resume. Practice your interview skills, and do some "informational" interviews (those are not to seek a job, but only information around jobs you "might" like - it takes a cold phone call to someone who actually does the hiring - not the HR person - and asking for 20 minutes of their time for them to talk to you about their company, their department and how they got to where they are).

If you have access to funds, I also am a proponent of embezzling (ok... "setting aside" ...grin) funds from what you are given for household expenses. If you aren't ready to leave yet - that is understandable. But you need that "runaway" fund... if you never need it - use it for a trip to Europe or something - but start it while you do have those funds available.

And remember, there are Alanon meetings during the lunch hour in many towns. I urge you to try a few of those.

1. Make a list of what you like and want
2. Start the job search process WHILE you keep your job.
3. Meetings, meetings, meetings!


I wish you the best. (((DW)))

guineapigjude

Drained ~ look for a job in the school system, as a paraprofessional, health aide, cafeteria worker, yard lady, whatever. You'll have the same schedule as your kids. Please don't quit your job til you get a new one, though! IMO you'll find yourself even more trapped if you do.
Please try and get to a meeting. There are some that provide childcare. You are able to get to your therapist, so you are able to get to a meeting. I urge you to make meetings a priority ~ then you'll find a way to get to them.
Read Codependent No More, Playing it by Heart, and Finding Your Way Home by Melody Beattie.
Please keep reaching for your HP. Sometimes it's so frustrating not to get the clear, simple answer we want from our HP. But , again IMO, our HP answers our prayers when the time is right, and in the best way possible. It's our responsibility to look for the messages our HP sends and act upon them.
Take care!

duet_4-8

I posted on your other thread just a minute ago, before I read this one. I am going to be brutally honest here about the way this looks to me. I have been where you are, so I can speak from experience. I cannot tell you what to do, but I can offer my ESH to you.

These things are not said with condemnation or judgement. I understand, I really really do. I know the horrible, hopeless, helpless feeling. I know the depression. I know how it feels to think you can't take care of yourself and your children. I know how it feels to be afraid of the man who is supposed to be your protector. I know how it feels to have that same man tear you to pieces with his words and I know the sick feeling that comes from tearing back at him. I know how it feels to be so numb that you don't even feel like you are alive.

You are trying to control him and shame him into doing what you want him to do and into being what you want him to be. He is what he is and arguing with him is not going to change that. It only makes YOU sicker. Every time you engage in one of these 'conversations', you are sinking deeper and deeper into your own addiction-and it is every bit as powerful as his.

This is doing HUGE damage to your children. I know because I lived the same kind of life and my two older boys both tried to 'stand up' for me at one time or another. They are old enough to talk about how these "lovely scenes" made them feel. Taking care of me was not their place and it is not your daughter's place to take care of you. YOU need to stand up for HER. She is learning what life is about from watching you and your husband. If that scares you, it should.

This is denial with a capital "D"!! It is not a 'memory that fades'. You are choosing not to deal with the reality of your life. You are not hitting your bottom because for some reason you think that staying where you are is preferable to getting yourself and your children out of an intolerable situation. You will not hit bottom until you accept reality.

I know you want it to be different. It isn't. It won't be until you do something to change it. Let go.

Wascally Wabbit

Listen, is there any way you could sit down with her and tell her how you feel about her being mean? It might change things for you. It wouldn't hurt anything especially if you're gonna quit any way. If not, I can understand how you'd want out. I don't know why people have to go on extreme power trips just because they're a boss.

BrokenBridges24

How are things today?