hi...same old story...im sick of telling it..

Old 10-17-2007, 09:24 AM
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hi...same old story...im sick of telling it..

hi everyone, ive been MIA because ive been working, and cant go on at work, and then i come home and take care of the kids, and go to bed....thats my life in a nutshell....i have no social life, and im completely depressed.

anyway, things are basically the same....maybe my ah is getting better at hiding his use and maybe he is not using in the house as much as he used to, and maybe there is a slight chance hes using a little less, but thats about it. He started to go to "smart Recovery" but it is only once a week for an hour with a therapist. He claims he went from a $500/wk habit to a $50/wk habit. thats a bunch of BS!
he is going just to pacify me...i dont see him doing anything else about his problem or really "working a program".

Yes, i am sick and tired of being sick and tired...what am i going ot do about it??
what is wrong with me that i am too scared to say enough is enough..!!! because thats the way i feel. plus it is an unhealthy environment for my kids to be living in.
i have so much fear....i know and i want to come up with a plan, i keep saying that...but what can i do??

i go to my therapist 2x a week, and i think she is helping me get healthier. I cant find time to get to naranon meetings...but maybe i should try harder.
i was thinking about quitting my job and subbing or working pt somewhere so that i do have more time to go to meetings, support groups, whatever it takes to get me stronger....but of course there is the money issue---i dont make much, but it helps pay the bills..ive been looknig for something else, but with no avail..and i am just physically and mentally drained and exhausted.

my ah doesnt understand why i dont want to hold him, or have sex with him....he just doesnt get it...and he said last night that he thinks i have it in my head that the marriage is over, and if thats the case why dont i just tell him..he will take care of me and the kids financially....but i couldnt get the words out...probably because i want everything to be normal, and i keep hoping that things will magically change and i wont have to worry anymore...but that is a fantasyworld. nothing has changed for 2 years...he is still telling me lies about his using, i am still finding reasons not to believe him, and the saga continues day after day.

i am still waking up with stomach aches, i am still very, very depressed.....
is this nightmare ever going to end?????? how do i get stronger?
today we are going to a marriage counsler...maybe a third party can help. my therapist thought it was a good idea....he doesnt understand how my emotions have been "turned off" maybe a professional can explain it to him.

thanks for listening..i know your as sick as me of hearing my story..maybe thats another reason ive stayed away..im stick of telling the same old sh-- over and over again.....

drained.
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Old 10-17-2007, 09:34 AM
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I'm pretty new here but I think that the worst thing you can do is stay away from help. If you have to say it over and over a million and one times at least you are at a place that offers support and understanding and some help from others who are going through and have been through the same thing you are dealing with.
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Old 10-17-2007, 09:34 AM
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You should always feel you can post here! We all nned help sometimes, don't feel bad for that! I am sorry you are so unhappy. I think the marriage councilor is a great idea. One way or another it may help you decide to stay in this marriage or leave. Keep you head up, do something fun with your kids! Keep posting!
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Old 10-17-2007, 09:42 AM
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keep reaching out, drained, and let us know how the session goes today. that sounds positive. hugs, k
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Old 10-17-2007, 09:48 AM
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keep telling your story

Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
hi everyone, ive been MIA because ive been working, and cant go on at work, and then i come home and take care of the kids, and go to bed....thats my life in a nutshell....i have no social life, and im completely depressed.

anyway, things are basically the same....maybe my ah is getting better at hiding his use and maybe he is not using in the house as much as he used to, and maybe there is a slight chance hes using a little less, but thats about it. He started to go to "smart Recovery" but it is only once a week for an hour with a therapist. He claims he went from a $500/wk habit to a $50/wk habit. thats a bunch of BS!
he is going just to pacify me...i dont see him doing anything else about his problem or really "working a program".

Yes, i am sick and tired of being sick and tired...what am i going ot do about it??
what is wrong with me that i am too scared to say enough is enough..!!! because thats the way i feel. plus it is an unhealthy environment for my kids to be living in.
i have so much fear....i know and i want to come up with a plan, i keep saying that...but what can i do??

i go to my therapist 2x a week, and i think she is helping me get healthier. I cant find time to get to naranon meetings...but maybe i should try harder.
i was thinking about quitting my job and subbing or working pt somewhere so that i do have more time to go to meetings, support groups, whatever it takes to get me stronger....but of course there is the money issue---i dont make much, but it helps pay the bills..ive been looknig for something else, but with no avail..and i am just physically and mentally drained and exhausted.

my ah doesnt understand why i dont want to hold him, or have sex with him....he just doesnt get it...and he said last night that he thinks i have it in my head that the marriage is over, and if thats the case why dont i just tell him..he will take care of me and the kids financially....but i couldnt get the words out...probably because i want everything to be normal, and i keep hoping that things will magically change and i wont have to worry anymore...but that is a fantasyworld. nothing has changed for 2 years...he is still telling me lies about his using, i am still finding reasons not to believe him, and the saga continues day after day.

i am still waking up with stomach aches, i am still very, very depressed.....
is this nightmare ever going to end?????? how do i get stronger?
today we are going to a marriage counsler...maybe a third party can help. my therapist thought it was a good idea....he doesnt understand how my emotions have been "turned off" maybe a professional can explain it to him.

thanks for listening..i know your as sick as me of hearing my story..maybe thats another reason ive stayed away..im stick of telling the same old sh-- over and over again.....

drained.
Hi drainedwife: I understand where you are for me I kept my ex-husband in prayer and know we are getting married next year. You got married in the eyes of God, God created marrige and he is the only one who can fix what ever you and your husband is going through, Im sure counseling is good but never give up on prayer, and even if you don't want to stay with your husband still pray for him it will help you to move on with your life.


Your friend


Sneakers :praying
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Old 10-17-2007, 10:45 AM
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You are in my prayers,
susan
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Old 10-17-2007, 11:55 AM
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None of us are ever sick of hearing anything. We all have been there from time to time. You are doing your very best. All hope is not lost yet. Even when you want to quit on yourself there is always someone else close by to help you find your way. Today is a bad day. Tomorrow will be a little better. You are burning your candle from both ends right now. What you need to do is slow down a little bit. Every night when the kids get in bed, get your jammies on and take 5 to 10 minutes and do something you like for you. Paint your toe nails…  Keep posting. We are here for ya!

Broken
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Old 10-17-2007, 12:01 PM
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why does life have to be like this?? i have given up my faith in god....i have become so depressed...i dont have a life anymore.....

when does it end???? and why am i so co-dependent
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Old 10-17-2007, 12:09 PM
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
why does life have to be like this?? i have given up my faith in god....i have become so depressed...i dont have a life anymore.....

when does it end???? and why am i so co-dependent
a wise person once told me - "if you keep doing what you've always done, you will keep getting what you've always gotten"

nothing changes, if nothing changes.

So - if we want something different, we have to try to do something different.

I know it difficult, I know it's scary, I know it's hard - But what you are living in now is difficult, scary and hard - so why not try something new?
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Old 10-17-2007, 12:17 PM
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Drained,
I have no advice to add, just letting you know I'm thinking of you, and praying for you, your husband and the children.


Please try to find time to attend meetings....they're so helpful....and supportive....

Hugs,
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Old 10-17-2007, 12:20 PM
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Drained, lets start with what is easiest to change. You say your depressed and have no social life as your taking care of the kids. Ok, Im a mom of three, once again single (was I ever really not?) so I can relate to that but can you start a social life includng the kids, like with PTA, or sports games or school volunteering.. and then as another mom and kids to go for dougnuts or hot cocoa after. Get busy doing, even if its with the kids. Around SAturday zoo trips or whatever with other moms... ect. Join a arts and crafts class with the kids. At first you have to force yourself but it gets easier.

I know your in counseling but I missed if you regularly attend alanon, that too would be a big help.

I know what your going through with the husband. Ive been back and forth so long now, nothing about an addict relationship or use surprises me anymore...nothing.

When the pain of staying is truly worse than the pain of leaving you'll know...and mine threatened all kinds of take away the kids tactics. In the end he's away and Im here with the kids, $ a wreck but we are surviving and Im sleeping well and no more stomach aches.
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Old 10-17-2007, 12:44 PM
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drained,
been thinking of you. I'm glad you are back that is a step in the right direction. You are getting help for your depression that is good, you are going for help with the marriage, another good thing. Take some time and do something fun with the girls over the weekend. You will know when you had enough and will find the strength what it is meant for you to do.
Call me if you need me,
Hugs and prayers coming to you
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Old 10-17-2007, 02:07 PM
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None of us "got it" initially. It really does take pain to move me, I've discovered. Today, I know I can control how much pain it will take before I make a change.

You might seek out the assistance at a women's shelter. Let her know you have assets NOW, but that you have a fear that you may have to leave those behind if you need to get out in a hurry.

She can help you with an escape plan... I know that sounds dramatic, but the situation you are in is a dramatic one. She can help you understand what it will take to live on your own, if necessary, and what lifestyle changes you might need to anticipate making.

What I know is that no matter what changes you make in lifestyle, the end of the stress will outweigh any losses of "things".... and not just for you, but for your kids as well.

Here's the thing that is true for me. When I was married to an abusive man, I took on a couple of roles... and I didn't even know I did it. First - I was a controller, because due to his abusivness, he was ALWAYS ALWAYS wrong. Know what? When we divorced, I suddenly had to contend with the idea that, sometimes, I am wrong. That was far harder than I believed.

Second, I had become used to being the "victim". I had been hurt, terribly, and I was used to either being a martyr or a victim. Once the abuser was gone, I lost a lot of sympathetic support. It felt icky. But I got over it once I figured out "how" to live alone with kids.

I don't know if that will happen with you, or not. Just sharing what was and is true for me.

I do wish you well, and posted some other suggestions in your other thread.

((hugs)))
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Old 10-17-2007, 02:12 PM
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I'm sorry things are not going well; but sure glad that you posted, folks have been asking about you.

Hugs and prayers. PNW
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Old 10-17-2007, 02:19 PM
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Drained ~ so glad to hear from you ~ we've been thinking about you and I've been keeping you in my prayers.
There's nothing easy about life with an addict or as a codependent. We all understand where you're at. Don't ever feel like we're tired of hearing from you ... thats what we're here for.
Please be kind to yourself. Don't give up. You'll find your way. PM me if you ever need to talk.
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Old 10-17-2007, 02:21 PM
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I am new here but I really can understand your pain. My husband is an alcoholic. I also have a 21 year old meth addict.
Never give up on God. It is in his hands.
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Old 10-17-2007, 04:06 PM
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Hi drained,
I'm so glad you came back!! Don't EVER think that we don't want to hear from you or that anyone here will sit in judgement of anything you have done. We all had to find our own way in our own time. You will, too.

It is incredibly scary to try to change the way you live and everyone here knows that. We have all taken steps forward only to slip backward from time to time. For me, when I got sick and tired *enough* of my life I found the strength to begin to make changes. Small ones at first. That was in January of 2006.

In July of 2006, I decided that I could no longer be intimate with my husband. That did not make our lives any easier as a couple (??), but it made me feel a little saner because I no longer felt that I had to pretend that our marriage was ok. It was at that point that most of my denial and magical thinking (that he would get better and our lives really would be a fairytale) finally fell away and I began to take serious action to get out. We lived together until March of 2007, so it was not a short process. My divorce is in the final stages and I hope to be done with it all by December. It is bittersweet. It is not what I wanted. I wanted the fairytale. I had to accept my life for what it was, though, in order to begin to change.

It has been the hardest thing I have ever done, but it has also been the best. I have watched my grown sons blossom in the freedom that we are all finding, and my youngest finally gets to just be a kid-something his brothers didn't get to do. I have also had to own my own codependency issues and admit to myself and to others that I was as sick as my ex is. Not easy at first but incredibly freeing.

I urge you to continue to work on your own recovery. Counseling is great-if it is for you. I may step on some toes here, but I would be cautious about couples counseling with the situation being what it is. I tried that with my ex a few times over the years and it always ended up with me once again bearing the weight of the relationship because he was not honest with the counselor and made our problems seem like simple communication-type issues. An abuser is a master manipulator and can turn a couples counseling situation into a forum for his controlling behavior. I don't know how many times my ex started a sentence with "you know what the counselor said" when I would try to confront him on something. Just be careful.

Please keep coming back! I don't post as much as I used to because I finally have a life that doesn't revolve around addiction. I know you said you have given up on God, but please know that He has not given up on you! If not for Him, I would not have survived let alone thrived the way I have. He will do it for you, too. Believe Him.
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Old 10-17-2007, 04:06 PM
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((((Drained))) I, like so many others here, am glad to hear from you!

Much good advice ahead of me...I don't have much to add. Like Cinderella said try and not isolate yourself too much. I know it is easy to do when you are busy and I know that I isolated myself when i was with an addict because I was ashamed to let anyone know or find out what was going on.

I wish now that I would have let people know what was going on and not isolated myself so much because if people know then they will support you and also keeping a secret that big starts to make a person feel even more depressed and kind of crazy after a while. That is one reason why it is good to post here-because people here understand what you are going through.

hugs, Lisa
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Old 10-17-2007, 08:17 PM
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Originally Posted by payingtheprice View Post
I'm pretty new here but I think that the worst thing you can do is stay away from help. If you have to say it over and over a million and one times at least you are at a place that offers support and understanding and some help from others who are going through and have been through the same thing you are dealing with.
Wow...This is exactly what SR and Naranon is all about...It doesn't matter whether one is new or a long timer...We all learn from each other and share in our journey. This was a beautiful post...and I agree 100%. Thank you Paying theprice

No advice (other than to keep coming back!!) just sending lots of hugs
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Old 10-17-2007, 08:29 PM
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he was not honest with the counselor and made our problems seem like simple communication-type issues. An abuser is a master manipulator and can turn a couples counseling situation into a forum for his controlling behavior. I don't know how many times my ex started a sentence with "you know what the counselor said" when I would try to confront him on something. Just be careful.
I have to agree 100%. I can also tell you that each of us is ready when we are ready,and not a moment before. Nobody has the answer for you... but we can all understand completely and we can share our experience, strength and hope with you.

When I started setting and maintaining boundaries, things changed at our house. And it wasn't exactly pleasant... he was used to the "dance" the way it had always been. I realized that he was going to be meaner and stronger and more manipulative to get his way... and I also realized I deserved better.

Talking to a woman's shelter is a good idea. The people there can help you with information. Gathering information doesnt mean that you are going to take any action. It just means you have some more information should you CHOOSE to take an action.

We are here for you,and we really do understand.

Hugs
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