spedteach

Okay, a warning prior to your reading this....this could get long...so there..

Okay, my dh is at home today (surprise surprise) again, after calling sick into work...he misses work at least once every 2 to 3 weeks...he called this morning and I said nothing to him about it as he told me that he might try to go in later and that he was going to work on some electrical stuff in our kitchen...okay, I was okay with that as we are having our son's 4th b-day party on Saturday and we'd like to have our kitchen redone as much as possible before then.
I am considering taking a different position at my job which would give us over $10,000 more money a year and that would be great but there are pros and cons to this job and I am weighing it and really thinking about it...I really need to discuss it with someone and of course he says take it..we can use the money. Plus, he thinks if I make enough money, he can "retire" as he jokes about..hell would have to freeze over before I'd allow him to retire

So, I got some more information about the job and called home to talk to him about it and he tells me that he is working on the computer of his dad's trying to fix it...so I ask him what else is new and he tells me that if I weren't around to keep him grounded and his head on straight, he'd be in a gutter somewhere...so I said "what does that mean?" and he says exactly what he said. We have someone coming over later to look at some drywall that needs to be finished and give us an estimate and I tell him that he needs to be in the right frame of mind to talk to this guy....he laughs and asks what does that mean? So, I say flat out..are you going to be drinking today? and he tells me that he already is...it's 11am mind you!!!

We end up having a discussion and I tell him that I am being honest with my feelings and that it's just my opinion right or wrong, but this is how I feel...he tells me that the best thing for me would be to kick him out...so I ask Is that what you want to happen? and he says no, is it what you want? I told him, no what I want is him to be happy, not drink, spend time with his family, golf when he wants to and to help support us..he says "I support our family" and I said "you've lost 2 jobs because of drinking. You miss a ton of work and everytime you call in, it makes me wonder if Vic will fire you and if he does, the bills and everything are once again, on my shoulders"...he's pretty shocked by this and remains quiet, so I continued on letting him know that I am concerned that he says he doesn't have a problem yet is sitting home drinking when he should/could be at work, and that if I express my opinions, I am wrong or trying to control him or trying to tell him how to live but what he decides to do DOES affect me and our son..he doesn't like that...but I told him the truth and he says "What do you want me to do? I told him flat out..that I want to be able to come home and have him there for ME, to support ME and to discuss MY needs (about this job at the moment but it could be about anything you know?)....of course, I am all chocked up and teary eyed the entire time (I am SO emotionally...its not even funny) and I tell him that I want him happy and not drinking...I also tell him that I can not make those decisions for him but that I need to think of myself and our son. He tells me that I treat him differently when he drinks and I told him today, You are probably right, I do treat you differently because I know what I'll have to deal with when you get to a certain point and how nasty you become or that you'll get into the car and take off to your moms house and be gone all night. That has just been bottled up inside of me...I also think I said something about how his actions convey a different message then what he tells me..he says that he loves us and wants to be a family, however, he comes and goes as he wishes and then spends very little time with us...
I think I mentioned that he just pushes me further and further away and that I LOVE him but that he doesn't follow through with anything..he said "I don't??" in a quesitoning manner and all I said was "I know I am not perfect, but I am not the one that has started AA and/or counseling at least 8 times in the last 4 years and not given it a chance. You've said you were diagnosed with depression and the new counselor said it could be other things..but that lasted 2 weeks".....

I have no clue what possessed me to say anything to him, I guess I needed to let him know that I am nearing the end of my rope...he finds it acceptable that I am what keeps him grounded and on the right track, however, I do not find it acceptable to put that on someone else.

I am thinking about that job..and wanna know what?? One of the biggest reasons is that if I do kick him out or he loses yet again another job (which would end up in him being kicked out anyhow), at least I would know that I had that much more money to make things work for me and my son..you know??/

So, I have no clue as to what I am going home to find....I guess time will tell....

Any advice?? I've tried to stay "hands off" and I think I've done a good job but I had a lot bottled up and finally, for once, I said it CALMLY and not shouting at him....maybe some of it sunk in???

Okay, if you've read this far...THANKS for letting me vent!! I feel like I can function again now!!!

spedteach

Okay, I really need some encouragement here or something..someone please....

He called me at work and I told him I couldn't talk as I still had kids in class. He asked me to call him back at lunch...I did and he tells me that he is "lost and confused"...I asked him why he wanted me to call him back and he said "you don't have the time to talk now so we can't get into it"..we got off the phone...

Then I had 2 questions come to mind so I called back...I asked him "do you want to stop drinking?" and he said NO and I said "Do you want to be married?" and he said YES...I said okay and then he said theres one more question...what do you want to do with your life and I have no idea what I want to do with mine......he said he likes his job but the pressure is too much for him...he works in the engineering field and I don't see where he has the pressure...he's a middle man...not the one that takes the heat or deals with a customer! BUt then again, I have to remember he's drinking while he's talking to me...

He asks me why I want to make him choose me or drinking...again, I am not trying to make him choose.....UGH!!! I wanted to see if he wants to quit and if he does want to be married...if I know he wants to be married, I think I might be able to deal with things..does this make sense???

Okay, I think I am losing it again...I guess part of me feels like the best thing is to kick him out but then I think of the look on my sons face and trying to explain to a 4 year old why daddy is gone...when dh isn't drinking, he's the best man around...and he's spent most of our son's life on the wagon so my son has never really seen his dad drinking until recently and even then, it's been maybe 3 times a month...he doesn't drink every day...so anyhow, maybe it is just that I don't want to crush my son...but then again, what will this do to him growing up like that??? I just need to think things through. I know that my summer is coming up and I can deal with things then...I'll make the best decision for me...just don't want to jump into any decisions!

Thanks for letting me vent yet again!

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Teach.

I guess the first thing that comes to my mind is how fruitless it can be to try to have a conversation with someone who is under the influence. Does he really hear what you say? Does he really say what he means? I'm not very good about saying clearly what I want and how I feel. It's something I'm working on and I really admire you being able to do so. I don't think "hands off" means not communicating with your life partner. But 'zounds girl... you just disrupted your work day to try to reason with a drunk. Yes, you make sense. The scrambling was on the receiving end. These are only the observations of a gal who still sees brick imprints on her forehead when she looks in the mirror.

You're wise to take your time. And I'm glad you come here to vent. You make sense to US. So while he's juicy do nice things for you. Maybe talk to him when the hangover wears off?

Hugs,
Smoke

spedteach

Thanks Smoke....
I know what you say to be true, when I spoke with him, (no excuses here seriously) I don't believe he was drunk...maybe had one or two at most...but I could be wrong. When he isn't drinking, he doesn't want to hear anything. I've already decided that nothing will be said tonight, or tomorrow or the next day...I am seeing RED right now...guess what he did?? AFTER my 1st two posts, I hear a knock on my classroom door and guess what?? He's standing there....stinking like a brewery and blood shot eyes asking me to switch car keys with him!! He had the nerve to come to my work drunk!! I AM FURIOUS!!! I'm not even mad that he was driving...that's normal for him...I am mad that he'd put me in that position at work. If my principal saw him, I could have been in trouble!!!!

Here's the deal with the car....we have 3 ..one is a lease and we don't drive it, it's over the miles and we have 6 months left on the lease and can not get out of it early. THe transmission went on it with under 48,000 miles on it and of course, it was not under warranty...so we purchased a different vehicle. It is a stick shift cavilier...I don't know how to drive a stick very well....I stall it ALL the time and the deal was that until I felt comfortable driving it, he'd drive it and I'd drive the truck (which is his baby)...well, one thing that makes me nervous is I drive our son to and from his babysitters house and I am so afraid of getting rear ended with him in the backseat...probably unfounded worry, but a worry never the less! So, we agreed that once I got out of school, he'd take over the truck and I'd have 2 months to practice unrushed...he shows up here today and switches vehicles with me because its his "F#$%&*# truck not mine" I did not make a scence at work....don't need that!!! So, when I get home, I think I may end up not speaking to him for the rest of the night!!!

Thanks for the words and I know, it ruined my day...not his!!!

PsychoKitty

Teach, first thing first, driving a stick/shift is easy, over here automatics are not that common, I prefer auto, but I am born lazy, but you cannot get your licence in one, you have to actually use the gears to get your drivers. Okay, so you say you stall all the time, that is cos' you are taking your foot off the clutch too fast and not giving enough gas at the same time......{this is my territory - something I feel comfortable with }, so go home, get in the car, start her up, let her idle for a couple of minutes, big mistake with a shift is to think it will go straight away like an automatic, they don't. Push the clutch in, put her into first, ease your foot gently off the clutch, at the same time press gently on the accelerator, remember gently is the secret, funnily enough its easier to learn to do this in reverse, reverse is a very forgiving gear. Practise taking your foot off the clutch and pressing the accelerator at the same time until the car just starts to move forward, then put the clutch back in and repeat it till you have got it right, not all clutches are the same, some take at the very bottom, some only the last inch of release, accelerators are normally the same, so its only the clutch foot that you have to master. Once she starts moving forward don't suddenly take your foot off the clutch, that will cause her to stall, carry on gently removing your foot, while still pressing the accelerator till the clutch is totally out.
Changing gear is simple, just listen to the engine, as soon as it sounds like its revving too high or straining change gear. Most owners manuals will tell yu at what speed or revs to change gear, yet I have found that watching the road, controlling foot movement and trying to watch the speedo at the same time is counterproductive. Changing from 1str to 2nd and so on is faster than pulling off in 1st, it has to be a moderately quick fluid movement.
Don't ever push in the brake hard while the car is in gear without pushing the clutch in first, she will stall, push in the clutch first, then brake, you can brake gently without doing that but if you hit the brakes without the clutch in she will jerk into a very unladylike stop.
Go out of gear at a stoplight, and back into 1st when the light changes, leaving your foot on the clutch with the car in 1st in a lazy way of driving, and dangerous, if you have to suddenly turn round and stop your son from doing something your foot could slip off the clutch and you will jerk forwards, and there will be a car in front, and you will bump it, thats Murphy's law, learnt that the hard way.
Gearing down is slightly more difficult, but once you have mastered gearing up, gearing down will be easy. I still grind the gears sometimes when gearing down, and I have been driving stick shift for about 22 years. I get lazy and put my foot on the clutch and brake when I want to slow down, my hubby gears down, he gets mad at me when I cruise to a stop, tough.
Hope this all helps.
As for the other bit, well I agree that reasoning with someone who is drunk is not very productive, and doing it over the phone does'nt help.
You need to be face to face. You say he was shocked at some of the stuff you said, that is good, he will be even more shocked when you say it to him in person, and he is trying to put all the heat on you when he says things like what do you want me to do, he is shifting all responsiblilty from himself on to you, so he can blame you for whatever happens, don't fall into that trap, tell him to make his own choice.
If you do take the promotion why don't yu put the extra money aside, into a seperate bank account that he does not have access to, so that if the s**t hits the fan you can at least have something to fall back on, and it will give you more confidence knowing that you do have something to fall back on.

Sarah2003

((((((((((spedteach)))))))))

A comment that concerns me is when he tells you that you keep him "grounded" and on the right track. I think you are right about that not being acceptable. It tells me that he's making YOU responsible for his drinking.

Also, my AH blamed his high pressure job for drinking.

My AH and your husband's drinking pattern appear to be similar. My AH never lost a job due to drinking, but he only drank when he was alone. Thenit progressed to drinking when I was away, on business trips, and he was responsible for the kids. Even with that responsibility and knowing the risks, he drank and got drunk.

I, too, sheltered my three children for many years before a crisis occured and brought everything out into the open. Looking back, I should have began to educate them appropriately with their ages.

Alcoholism is progressive. I've watched my AH's disease progress for the 22 years we've been together. He'd have wonderful periods of sobriety.....sometimes 3 months, sometimes 2 years. He's been through treatment twice, and attended AA on and off over the years, but was never truly in recovery. He knew what to do and what to say, but never followed through with the 12 step program.

The most recent alcohol-related crisis that occured four months ago caused me, finally, to make a drastic change in MY life, and I asked him to leave. We are separated. And this recent crisis was not the most painful of events that we've experienced through the years. But it was MY breaking point.

I hear your pain and frustration and your strong need to do what is best for your child. I believe that it's those feelings and needs combined with the love we have for our AH's that causes us, as co-dependents, to be just as sick and messed up as them.

I encourage you to go to some Alanon meetings, and maybe see a good counselor. Separating from my husband is the most difficult decision I've ever made. I still have weak moments, but I think it's because I miss the life that I always dreamed of having, not the life I had in that situation. He's controlling, manipulative, irresponsible (with things OTHER that his career.....he wouldn't ever let anything interfere with his career), dominating and aggressive.

And I got tired of the pain, fear, and unpredictability. I just want to feel safe and secure. And I need to achieve those feelings myself.....on my own.

Please focus on YOU. Work to make decisions that are best for you and your little boy.

Take care,

Sarah

Ophelia

Spedteach, I really feel for you and I so agree with Sarah's post. I was married to an alcoholic for 10 years and I myself am a recovering alcolholic. I married young and was abstenant from alcohol for most of my marriage, because I knew I had a problem with drinking from a very young age. Because my husband did not get as drunk or drink as often as I had, it did not even cross my mind that he could have a problem. Living with an alcoholic and all the selfish and manipulative behavior that goes with it really takes a toll. I never realised until the very end that I could have no effect whatsoever on him or the way he treated me, try as I would to effect that change or control the situation. As a very last option, I finally left, but I had not been taking care of myself, I was depressed and I had started drinking again. Because of the chronic and progressive nature of this disease I fell very far very fast. Not all alcoholics are daily drinkers, I wasn't until the very last stages of my drinking (again, it's progressive). Six months ago I got help - did an outpatient re-hab and have been going to AA ever since. I was very sick, and so broken that when my family intervened I knew I needed help and I wanted it. For the first time in my life I really wanted it.

I totally encourage you to take care of yourself in the best possible way. You have good instincts, trust them, don't try to rationalize them away because of fear or uncertainty. As one who has seen it from both sides, I encourage you to set and stick to healthy boundaries for yourself so that you stay well. As an alcoholic, the only thing I protected with a vengence was my right to drink. When I began to really suffer the consequences of this behavior and felt completely unshielded, and had suffered long enough and hard enough (my bottom) something inside of me changed, I wanted to change.

I can't believe how different my perspective on everything is now that I am truly in recovery and getting healthier and stronger by the day. I still intereact with my x-significant other and I am always floored by how differently I view what goes on between us. I can see his behavior for what it really is now. He has not changed one bit, but I have and I am extremely grateful for it.

elsede

spedteach,
I read your post and I see my self in what you have written. My ah also drinks when he has the resposibility of our children while I am at work. But he then shifts the responsibility of our 7mth old son, and 2 daughters ages 8 and 4 onto our 10 yr old son. Not the responsibility of a 10 yr old. But he takes it on as a trooper would and does his best to be the man of the house for me.

I love my husband but like you, I am tired of it. Luckily for me, mine has never showed up at my work drunk. He won't drive if he has had more than two drinks. Guess who gets driving duty most of the time????

Mine also tells me that I am what keeps him grounded. I wish some times somebody would want to keep me grounded if you know what I mean. I am tired of being the rock. All I can tell you is to try and keep your self on the right track not only for you but for your children. God give you the strength that you need.
Elsede

spedteach

Thanks everyone...I appreciate the words and the thoughts. and the advice on driving a stick I am getting better with the stick...didn't stall it at all today and only stalled it once yesterday Still panic a little when I have to stop on inclines but getting better at that!!! I even drove it to work today and my son, bless his little heart, I told him that mommy was stilling learning to drive the car when I picked him up last night and when we got home he said "Mommy, good job driving the car home!" and this morning, when we got to his babysitters house he said "Mommy I am so proud of you for driving the car when I know your learning"...how sweet is that??


Anyhow, here's what happened at home last night. I got home and he was in bed by 7pm. This morning, I got up for work and asked him if he was going to work and he said no. I knew he was sober so I took the opportunity to set my boundaries with him...I told him that I WILL NOT call his boss for him, that I am furious that he showed up at my work drunk...that I could have gotten into a LOT of trouble if anyone saw him!! (we have policys about visitors getting passes from the office for protection of students), and that I am tired of living like this. I do not want a divorce, but I will not continue to live this way. I told him to make a choice, either he wants to be part of a family and go to work daily and support his family, spend time with his son, and do what he needs to do or he wants to be single and that's fine if that is what he chooses but that if he does want that, then he needs to move out. I AM STICKING TO THIS! I was calm, cool and collected when I said it and I didn't scream or cry or anything. I asked him..do you want to be married and he said what does it matter, you will still be mad at me anyhow...and I told him I am beyond mad and that neither my son, myself or him deserve to live this way but that I am done and I will not make excuses for him or protect him (which I haven't done in years anyhow). I get to work and he calls me and says "Did you call my work for me?" WHAT????? NO!!!!!!!!!!!! I told him no, that was HIS responsibility NOT MINE! he said okay and called. Then he called me back and told me what his boss said and I asked him what he was doing today and he said "thinking about how I am going to clean this mess I get myself into up. I don't want to lose my job or you or our family. I know you have every right to kick me out and I have to figure out how I am going to clean this up. I don't blame you for being mad and I will do what it takes"...yeah, blah blah blah...heard it all before....he is not going to make me feel sorry for him and his lines of bs...I know I sound harsh here, but I am SICK of him saying he'll do things only to have him NOT do things and continue on the same path. I didn't say anything to him on the phone because he needs to hear it in person. So I said, I'll be home later and we can talk then and got off the phone.
Basically, I am telling him that actions speak louder then words and that if he wants things to work, I want to see action...

Again, thanks everyone! Oh yeah...I did something nice for me last night and plan to again today As for alanon, there are no meetings until tomorrow so I'll go then and keep coming here until then and reading my books too!

lyn_blossom78

Yyyyyyyyeeeeeeeaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!

Good job! You can wear my tiara tonight!

Hugs,

Lyn

PsychoKitty

Spedteach, glad to hear driving the stick is getting better, I thought of you often last night and today, wondering how you were getting on. (I am +-8-10 hours ahead of you guys time wise). Inclines are not so bad, use the handbrake [I think you guys call it the parking brake], as soon as you start to feel the car wanting to move forward slowly release it, one of things I love about an automatic is the fact that it can't roll back.
And congrats on making your stand, in a calm cool and collected way.