Lilyflower

Hey everyone,

I read up on emotional and verbal abuse yesterday whilst having a look around this web site and It really brought home some things to me.

I am in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship. Thats really hard for me to say, because I cannot believe my partner and I have turned so destructive. I know we love each other but now I am not sure. I don't even know how to explain whats going on in my mind, how can we love each other and do these things? Its not just him either. When I was reading the link on 'The Loser' and the 'Stockholm Syndrome' I recognised the controlling way that my bf can treat me when he is drunk, sober & guilty or just in denial. I also noticed some of the descriptions of the loser related to myself. I check on my bf whereabouts, I go through his clothes, I check the last calls received and dialled on his phone. I have even been stupid enough to follow him around the streets when he has left me and gone out because I want to know where he is. I have stood outside his friend's house listening at the door to see if he is upset about our latest arguement, only to make myself more miserable because he sounded like he was having a good time.

As for him, he has made me feel as if my feelings are unjustified, even silly. He has controlled who I can talk to over our problems (if my bf knew that I had told my mum he is an A, I know he would hit the roof, and I would be in for one hell of a screaming session). I am in such a financial mess that I cannot afford to leave the house if I wanted to as I would be homeless with my daughter. He has pushed me, I have pushed him, he has screamed in my face and I've done it back. I have lay down on the floor and cried from the deepest pits of my soul because he has walked out promising he won't come back. Only to find that he will walk back into the house later that night p***d beyond reason and without an apology or explaination, he just returns to life as it is. Each time we argue and I ask him to leave he says he will go when he is ready to, or threatens to take all the money as he will be walking the streets, how can I throw him out with no where to go? Would I see him homeless? Or he will stay in the house until he finds somewhere but I shouldn't expect a penny from him toward the bills anymore, I can cope alone. Then I become heart broken because I love him so much, and he asks me why am I making him go? I never want him to go, I just want the arguements to stop, I want security. We agree to try and work on our issues because we don't want to lose each other.

The pair of us are so messed up.

minnie

Hi there, hon, and I am sorry to hear you are feeling down today. I know that I felt overwhelmed at times when the scales fell from my eyes and I started to see the reality of my situation.

It is great that you are starting to see your part in the drama that is going on in your life. I urge you to concentrate on these aspects - these are the things that are within your control. I was a compulsive checker too, even when I realised that I was simply confirming what I already knew. It doesn't make any sense on the face of it that we put ourselves through that pain voluntarily, but I totally understand the need for validation of your suspicions. You know what, though? The truth always comes out anyway without us taking up all our time seeking it.

When I was in your situation, it was suggested to me that I made a list of how I wanted my life to be, my values and standards, my biggest priorities. Getting them out on paper helped me compare my reality with my desires and also enabled me to make decisions that were in my best interests without second guessing. I also then had some goals from which to make an action plan to help get me there. For example, perhaps I need to see legal advice or start seeing a counsellor. Perhaps I need to get some qualifications to pursue my chosen career, or maybe start and exercise regime to shift some weight.

Also, one of the most helpful decisions I ever made was to let people be who they are and make my decisions accordingly. Today, I can stand back and let people show me who they are and allow myself to decide what role they play in my life.

How's about using this thread to jot down some ideas relating to life you want to lead? I bet you will get some great input.

Lilyflower

Thanks Minnie,

I spoke to my bf this morning before I came to work. I told him that I believed our relationship was becoming abusive, and asked him to read through the stuff I printed from this site. I hope this will help him to realise how his actions have a great affect on me and vice versa. I feel almost embarrassed because I still don't want to leave him. I know I can go, money is not the be all and end all of my life, I could get legal help and I have already asked for counselling from my employer and my doctor. I know in my heart that at this moment I still love him deeply and I'm not ready to go. I have decided though that I will no longer allow him to control me. I am taking that back before it goes any further and I allow him subconciously to over rule me on everything. I have an interview on Friday for promotion at work, and the mortgage is in my name and not his. I know I am a strong person. I have been in hard situations before and I am a survivor. I guess I am a little suprised that this was happening and I have either chose not to see it or have actually allowed it to happen because I felt insecure. How foolish of me! I want to take back my control, and my piece of mind. I will become a healthy person and not allow his illness to consume me, I will not allow him to pull me down with him emotionally.

Lilyflower

Goodness, I've just re read through this thread. My mind is flipping from being drown trodden, to me building myself up again. Writing all that out this morning was really helpful to get things off my chest. I don't want to lie down and be depressed, I know I've done that before and I do not want to go walking that road agian. I owe myself more than what I am currently giving myself!

You have given me a great reply Minnie, thank you! I will take your advice and write down what I want from life versus what I currently have. I will begin to take steps toward having that become my reality. Even if my steps are small, they are still my steps!

minnie

You know, I spent a long time trying to get my ex to acknowledge his part in the mess of our relationship and get some help to address his issues. This was even after I'd started to work on my own. I cannot believe now why I though that was the best course of action. I can see now how much more powerful it is to say how I feel once, develop and enforce my boundaries and leave the decision of change to the other person. "Wait to be asked" is now my motto.

Keep working on keeping your side of the street clean, hon, and things will get better whether you stay together or not.

And good luck for Friday!!

edit - just read your last post. Good for you! Focussing on the positive and the future is was more helpful than the alterntive, i have found.