Telling Others
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 2
Telling Others
Hi,
I'm new here, but not new to living with an AH. He's been in and out of AA over the past few years and a couple rehabs. He is currently involved in AA and had a few months of sobriety but drank recently, but is back to AA again. But I'm not posting about him.
I am working on me at this point and trying to live my life and am encouraging our children to do the same. I'm wondering if any of you could share your experience in regards to telling others about your spouse's alcoholism?
Both of our families know, and several of my friends know and several of his friends know. However, none of our mutual friends know. I am over the embarrassment, pride, shame, etc. of telling others and it is not my goal to cause my AH any further shame, however I am tired of feeling like he expects that I keep his alcoholism a secret from people that I consider to be close friends. It's like he wants to keep up this facade of a responsible, loving husband and father and expects me to help him do it by not saying anything.
My AH (like many alcoholics) wants to hide things but I don't want to live like that. Since I have (at this point) chosen to stay in this marriage, I don't want to have to keep secrets from people who genuinely care about me/us. I don't plan to give daily updates or anything, but I would like to let them know what *I* am struggling with and I want our children to grow up knowing that their dad's alcoholism (and him going to AA meetings) is not a secret that they have to keep from others and be ashamed of as if they are somehow responsible. I want out of the "secret keeping" effect that alcoholism has had on our family these past few years. I don't want people with whom I/we are becoming good friends to find out a year (or more or less) from now that my husband is in jail due to another DUI and wonder why I never felt like I could tell them what was going on in my life. I don't want to be like my husband and hide things from people.
My AH is on Step 3 of his AA program and has never gotten past this step (he has started and stopped AA at least 3 times seriously over the past 4 years). I am not involved in Al-Anon much due to the children's needs at this point, but I am seeking the experience of others on this question. I don't want to go against what AA would suggest would be best for my husband (but I don't know what that is).
Would AA encourage alcoholics working an AA program to be honest with everyone they know in regards to their drinking? If my husband considers these friends to be more my friends than his friends (although he spends time with them also), should I just do what I want as far as telling them or not? Or should I respect his wishes (he would rather that I don't tell them)? He said tonight when I discussed this with him that he/we should only tell people who understand alcoholism (but even if this is correct -- which I don't know if it is or not -- how can you know who "understands alcoholism"?).
I'm not afraid of losing these friends. I feel that if they are true friends they will not abandon me/us because my husband is trying to stop drinking. If they aren't true friends, then I'll be glad not to be pretending that we are the perfect happy family around people who can't deal with reality.
Sorry for my rambling. All experience and thoughts welcome and greatly appreciated. Thanks.
I'm new here, but not new to living with an AH. He's been in and out of AA over the past few years and a couple rehabs. He is currently involved in AA and had a few months of sobriety but drank recently, but is back to AA again. But I'm not posting about him.
I am working on me at this point and trying to live my life and am encouraging our children to do the same. I'm wondering if any of you could share your experience in regards to telling others about your spouse's alcoholism?
Both of our families know, and several of my friends know and several of his friends know. However, none of our mutual friends know. I am over the embarrassment, pride, shame, etc. of telling others and it is not my goal to cause my AH any further shame, however I am tired of feeling like he expects that I keep his alcoholism a secret from people that I consider to be close friends. It's like he wants to keep up this facade of a responsible, loving husband and father and expects me to help him do it by not saying anything.
My AH (like many alcoholics) wants to hide things but I don't want to live like that. Since I have (at this point) chosen to stay in this marriage, I don't want to have to keep secrets from people who genuinely care about me/us. I don't plan to give daily updates or anything, but I would like to let them know what *I* am struggling with and I want our children to grow up knowing that their dad's alcoholism (and him going to AA meetings) is not a secret that they have to keep from others and be ashamed of as if they are somehow responsible. I want out of the "secret keeping" effect that alcoholism has had on our family these past few years. I don't want people with whom I/we are becoming good friends to find out a year (or more or less) from now that my husband is in jail due to another DUI and wonder why I never felt like I could tell them what was going on in my life. I don't want to be like my husband and hide things from people.
My AH is on Step 3 of his AA program and has never gotten past this step (he has started and stopped AA at least 3 times seriously over the past 4 years). I am not involved in Al-Anon much due to the children's needs at this point, but I am seeking the experience of others on this question. I don't want to go against what AA would suggest would be best for my husband (but I don't know what that is).
Would AA encourage alcoholics working an AA program to be honest with everyone they know in regards to their drinking? If my husband considers these friends to be more my friends than his friends (although he spends time with them also), should I just do what I want as far as telling them or not? Or should I respect his wishes (he would rather that I don't tell them)? He said tonight when I discussed this with him that he/we should only tell people who understand alcoholism (but even if this is correct -- which I don't know if it is or not -- how can you know who "understands alcoholism"?).
I'm not afraid of losing these friends. I feel that if they are true friends they will not abandon me/us because my husband is trying to stop drinking. If they aren't true friends, then I'll be glad not to be pretending that we are the perfect happy family around people who can't deal with reality.
Sorry for my rambling. All experience and thoughts welcome and greatly appreciated. Thanks.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR!
If you have not..
Please read your husbands book Alcoholics Anonymous
specifically "To The Wives"
The first 164 pages will give you a solid picture
of our program.
Blessings to you and your family
If you have not..
Please read your husbands book Alcoholics Anonymous
specifically "To The Wives"
The first 164 pages will give you a solid picture
of our program.
Blessings to you and your family
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
In Al-Anon I learned to do what is best for me. I also learn to accept the consequences of my actions, just as the alcoholic does. It sounds like you do not work the steps, but if I were in your position I would work a 4th step on it, figuring out just what it is I want to share, why I want to share it, etc. Mostly, I would look at this statement:
.
Good luck with everything - it isn't easy, I know.
however I am tired of feeling like he expects that I keep his alcoholism a secret from people that I consider to be close friends. It's like he wants to keep up this facade of a responsible, loving husband and father and expects me to help him do it by not saying anything
Good luck with everything - it isn't easy, I know.
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