Strange situation
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Join Date: Oct 2007
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Strange situation
This may get confusing and I apologize. But I need some help and don't know what to do.
I was married to my now exh for a year. We had 5 kids between us (3 were mine, 2 were his). He had a addiction to lorazapam and any other narcotic he could get his hands on. I handled it by nagging, making empty threats etc. It was so frustrating. I think he knew we were headed for trouble and left me before I could leave him. I was devastated and wanted him back at any cost.
During our year long divorce process he went out and drank and partied and was with many women. He still came around here and I sadly let him. He said he loved me and regretted his decision to leave but yet never did anything to change it. Well, one of our encounters left me pregnant. To my surprise he thought this was life changing and a sign that we get back together. He still lives in his own house but we are working slowly on our relationship. Our baby is due in March.
The problem is he is now a weekend binge/alcoholic. I mean he will drink 30 beers on Saturday and another 30 on Sunday. He won't during the week because of work. I believe he is also taking the lorazapam with it. He is stumbling and sick. He also picks fights with me.
This last weekend I had had enough. He was here and drunk. No kids were here thankfully. I said something he didn't agree with and he flew off the handle, yelled, screamed, called me every name in the book and stormed out. About 3 hours later he sent me text messages apologizing. I haven't seen him since Saturday and have been short when he does make contact. He is now wondering why I am distant just because he apologized. He is trying to be nicey nice now like I am supposed to forget what he has done.
His mother thinks I need to tell him that he cannot be here drunk anymore and he needs AA. People have told him this for a long time and he doesn't think he has a problem. I want to tell him he won't see his child when she is born if he is drinking. But I don't know what to do. I love this man, and honestly am obviously very weak when it comes to him. I should have just let him leave a year ago.
How do I tell him this without him getting defensive? Do I insist he get help or knowing him he will say he can do it on his own?
I am going to try and hit a Alanon meeting this week. I am very nervous. Any help or insight would be helpful and appreciated. Thanks.
I was married to my now exh for a year. We had 5 kids between us (3 were mine, 2 were his). He had a addiction to lorazapam and any other narcotic he could get his hands on. I handled it by nagging, making empty threats etc. It was so frustrating. I think he knew we were headed for trouble and left me before I could leave him. I was devastated and wanted him back at any cost.
During our year long divorce process he went out and drank and partied and was with many women. He still came around here and I sadly let him. He said he loved me and regretted his decision to leave but yet never did anything to change it. Well, one of our encounters left me pregnant. To my surprise he thought this was life changing and a sign that we get back together. He still lives in his own house but we are working slowly on our relationship. Our baby is due in March.
The problem is he is now a weekend binge/alcoholic. I mean he will drink 30 beers on Saturday and another 30 on Sunday. He won't during the week because of work. I believe he is also taking the lorazapam with it. He is stumbling and sick. He also picks fights with me.
This last weekend I had had enough. He was here and drunk. No kids were here thankfully. I said something he didn't agree with and he flew off the handle, yelled, screamed, called me every name in the book and stormed out. About 3 hours later he sent me text messages apologizing. I haven't seen him since Saturday and have been short when he does make contact. He is now wondering why I am distant just because he apologized. He is trying to be nicey nice now like I am supposed to forget what he has done.
His mother thinks I need to tell him that he cannot be here drunk anymore and he needs AA. People have told him this for a long time and he doesn't think he has a problem. I want to tell him he won't see his child when she is born if he is drinking. But I don't know what to do. I love this man, and honestly am obviously very weak when it comes to him. I should have just let him leave a year ago.
How do I tell him this without him getting defensive? Do I insist he get help or knowing him he will say he can do it on his own?
I am going to try and hit a Alanon meeting this week. I am very nervous. Any help or insight would be helpful and appreciated. Thanks.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Buffalo NY
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Originally Posted by Charisse23 
I said something he didn't agree with and he flew off the handle, yelled, screamed, called me every name in the book and stormed out. About 3 hours later he sent me text messages apologizing. I haven't seen him since Saturday and have been short when he does make contact. He is now wondering why I am distant just because he apologized. He is trying to be nicey nice now like I am supposed to forget what he has done.
PS- Congrats on the new baby!Hope all is well.
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Thanks for your response. I am so excited about this baby. I am sad though that I will end up having to make some tough choices to protect her. I don't want her growing up with any alcoholism even if that means he doesn't see her. That is so hard to say because he is over the top excited about this baby but is making such bad choices.
I just don't get it...he has a exwife that loves him, a baby on the way, and 5 kids who still need him and he won't take the steps needed. I can't tell you how many times he said he would quit and then the next weekend do the same thing.
He is texting me now, being sweet and testing the waters. I have barely spoken to him since Saturday and only by texts. I told him I would talk with him when he is sober. Now I guess he is afraid to come around because he knows what I will say. Its the follow through I have a problem with.
I just don't get it...he has a exwife that loves him, a baby on the way, and 5 kids who still need him and he won't take the steps needed. I can't tell you how many times he said he would quit and then the next weekend do the same thing.
He is texting me now, being sweet and testing the waters. I have barely spoken to him since Saturday and only by texts. I told him I would talk with him when he is sober. Now I guess he is afraid to come around because he knows what I will say. Its the follow through I have a problem with.
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"How do I tell him this without him getting defensive?"
There's no way to tell an alcoholic that his drinking is out of control without them getting defensive in my experience. Every time I suggested that my boyfriend needed help or threatened to end the relationship, it yielded the same results: nothing changed.
But then one day I happened upon this forum and with the help of the kind folks here, I learned that I can effect positive changes in my life. So I stopped trying to change my boyfriend and I began to focus on changing me. And I'm a much happier person for it.
My boyfriend was never to make any lasting changes in his life. He died four months ago, alone in his apartment, with a 1/2 gallon of gin at his side. He was my partner for 25 years. I thought I could love him enough to change him, but despite my best efforts I could not. Today I realize I was just not that powerful.
Welcome to the forum.
There's no way to tell an alcoholic that his drinking is out of control without them getting defensive in my experience. Every time I suggested that my boyfriend needed help or threatened to end the relationship, it yielded the same results: nothing changed.
But then one day I happened upon this forum and with the help of the kind folks here, I learned that I can effect positive changes in my life. So I stopped trying to change my boyfriend and I began to focus on changing me. And I'm a much happier person for it.
My boyfriend was never to make any lasting changes in his life. He died four months ago, alone in his apartment, with a 1/2 gallon of gin at his side. He was my partner for 25 years. I thought I could love him enough to change him, but despite my best efforts I could not. Today I realize I was just not that powerful.
Welcome to the forum.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
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I learned first hand you can't tell an addict or an alcoholic they have a problem!
Its a waste of your breath.
Instead, I learned how to deal with my own emotions and reactions. This is where alanon will help you.
Plus, once you're strong enough, you can set boundaries as to what YOU allow in your home.
I hope things start getting better for you soon.
Its a waste of your breath.
Instead, I learned how to deal with my own emotions and reactions. This is where alanon will help you.
Plus, once you're strong enough, you can set boundaries as to what YOU allow in your home.
I hope things start getting better for you soon.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
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Welcome and congrats on the baby. I think AlAnon is a great step for you. You will find lots of support.
As the others have said, none of can change the A in our lives. It sure took me long enough to figure that one out. Now I work on me. I set my boundaries as to what I want in my life such as I can't live with an active alcoholic. I can't be around someone who cannot be honest with me or himself. I cannot continue to financially support a man who chooses not to work.
Try figuring out what your boundaries are and what you want your life to be like going forward.
As the others have said, none of can change the A in our lives. It sure took me long enough to figure that one out. Now I work on me. I set my boundaries as to what I want in my life such as I can't live with an active alcoholic. I can't be around someone who cannot be honest with me or himself. I cannot continue to financially support a man who chooses not to work.
Try figuring out what your boundaries are and what you want your life to be like going forward.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I would, rather than tell him what he needs to do, or what you want... Just tell him your boundaries. Make sure you have them clear in your own mind, and make sure you are willing to stick to them.
If you want to live happily without this chaos when there is a newborn in your life(and I went through that, so please, spare yourself if you can), then make it clear, write it down,and email it to him. Everyday if you have to. You can only control you.Really want what you are asking for out of your own life, and dont expect him to change for you, your baby or ANYTHING but HIMSELF. Move on,please.Do spare yourself this pain.
If you want to live happily without this chaos when there is a newborn in your life(and I went through that, so please, spare yourself if you can), then make it clear, write it down,and email it to him. Everyday if you have to. You can only control you.Really want what you are asking for out of your own life, and dont expect him to change for you, your baby or ANYTHING but HIMSELF. Move on,please.Do spare yourself this pain.
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I have been reading this and so many other posts tonight and realize me asking him to change will never happen.
My boundaries are:
-If he is drinking he will not be around his daughter when she is born.
-If he is drinking he is not allowed to be here.
We are not married or living together anymore so beyond that there is not much more I can do. He keeps texting me with nice little things "I love you and this baby". I know he does. That is what stinks so much. It's hard to be firm when he is like that....but then the weekend comes and he turns into the monster. I don't want to punish him by taking his child, but I don't know whatelse to do.
I want him here, I want to have this child born into a family with two healthly parents that love her. I keep hoping every day that will happen, start to believe it during the week, and then the weekend goes to hell.
My boundaries are:
-If he is drinking he will not be around his daughter when she is born.
-If he is drinking he is not allowed to be here.
We are not married or living together anymore so beyond that there is not much more I can do. He keeps texting me with nice little things "I love you and this baby". I know he does. That is what stinks so much. It's hard to be firm when he is like that....but then the weekend comes and he turns into the monster. I don't want to punish him by taking his child, but I don't know whatelse to do.
I want him here, I want to have this child born into a family with two healthly parents that love her. I keep hoping every day that will happen, start to believe it during the week, and then the weekend goes to hell.
Not a bad place to be....
Join Date: Mar 2006
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I'd run to Alanon....and stick with it....it just may save your sanity! It saved mine, but it has to be a life decision....as just two or three meetings won't help. Hugs and prayers coming your way! I doubt very much that you telling him he can't see the baby if he's drinking will change anything....he has to want to get help for himself. Believe me, I tried every hat trick in the book to make mine get help....he just got sick of my boundaries and decided he'd find another Codie!!!! Best thing that ever happened to me.
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I found for me that when I became defensive, it was out of a feeling of need to defend myself or justify my thinking or decisions.
Learning about boundaries really helped me in this - as well as making sure that I meant what I said and said what I meant.
I found that often times, it was impossible to have a discussion with my A. I simply had to lay it out blunt and to the point. Near the end of our relationship as we knew it, it got to where I simply said something like, "I refuse to live my life with an alcoholic." He still chose to drink - therefore, I told him "It is your choice to drink - and my choice not to live my life with an active alcoholic".
It took me a long long time to finally get to that point though. First, I had to really think long and hard about how I really felt - what I was really prepared to do and not do - and the longer that time went on, the more that I learned and my recovery began working. It was slow and painful. But eventually I realized that you can't have a rational discussion with an A - it's just not possible. I couldn't change him. We all have choices. I had choices - he had choices. It just became that simple.
However you choose to approach this situation - be sure that you say what you mean, mean what you say. Be sure of what it is that you are preparing to do and the possible consequences before you make an empty threat.
Read up on the stickies. If you've already read them, read them again. Lots of useful information there.
Learning about boundaries really helped me in this - as well as making sure that I meant what I said and said what I meant.
I found that often times, it was impossible to have a discussion with my A. I simply had to lay it out blunt and to the point. Near the end of our relationship as we knew it, it got to where I simply said something like, "I refuse to live my life with an alcoholic." He still chose to drink - therefore, I told him "It is your choice to drink - and my choice not to live my life with an active alcoholic".
It took me a long long time to finally get to that point though. First, I had to really think long and hard about how I really felt - what I was really prepared to do and not do - and the longer that time went on, the more that I learned and my recovery began working. It was slow and painful. But eventually I realized that you can't have a rational discussion with an A - it's just not possible. I couldn't change him. We all have choices. I had choices - he had choices. It just became that simple.
However you choose to approach this situation - be sure that you say what you mean, mean what you say. Be sure of what it is that you are preparing to do and the possible consequences before you make an empty threat.
Read up on the stickies. If you've already read them, read them again. Lots of useful information there.
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Originally Posted by Charisse23
I don't want to punish him by taking his child, but I don't know whatelse to do.
L
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I tried to go to an Alanon meeting here last night. I got over there and nobody showed up. There is another on Friday morning I will try and hit. If not I will have to go to the next town and check those out. I was so nervous though, not knowing what to expect.
I have been working on telling myself that he probably will not get help. His addictions ruined his first marriage, his marriage to me, and his relationship with the kids he has already. They love him, but the older one does what she can to avoid staying with him and the younger one is learning. I really think he likes being a part time dad. He has them just a couple nights a week and then the weekend comes and he can drink to oblivion. Perfect scenario to him I guess. Why should I expect this child to be any different to him?
Still no talk. Just some casual texts. I will wait until he is ready.
I have been working on telling myself that he probably will not get help. His addictions ruined his first marriage, his marriage to me, and his relationship with the kids he has already. They love him, but the older one does what she can to avoid staying with him and the younger one is learning. I really think he likes being a part time dad. He has them just a couple nights a week and then the weekend comes and he can drink to oblivion. Perfect scenario to him I guess. Why should I expect this child to be any different to him?
Still no talk. Just some casual texts. I will wait until he is ready.
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He just left a bit ago. He dropped off some baby stuff that he got. First time I have seen him since his blowup. I asked if he wanted to talk about it yet and he said no, that he apologized already and that was enough. I said I had a few things to say. I told him he was out of control, and borderline violent. He played it off like it wasn't that bad. I asked him if he could quit drinking and get into AA. He said "I don't know if I can quit. Drinking is a nice release from stress for me". I guess he doesn't want to. He doesn't see it as a problem. There is not much more I can say. I did tell him I will not allow his daughter to be raised around alcoholism. So I guess he will just visit her during the week when he is sober and lead his wild, drinking, party life on the weekends.
I am sad. I know he wasn't going to change based on my request but I hoped. Looks like I can't count on him for much.
I am sad. I know he wasn't going to change based on my request but I hoped. Looks like I can't count on him for much.
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((((((startingover)))))
i am so sorry that yet another family has been affected by the addiction of alcoholism.
as others as mentioned, nothing you can do can change his mind.....i just had to get out of the way of my xh, and let him nearly destroy his life and hit a huge bottom. it was tough, i loved him so very much. it was so hard to know the man i loved was out there, sick, addicted, and drinking to near death. i felt at times that i had abandoned him.
then i went to al-anon and eventually fell in love with the program. none of it was easy, but they helped me learn about alcoholism, and all about myself.
al-anon helped to save my own sanity and life. i hope you can make the connection with al-anon and find some serenity.
many hugs to you
jeri
i am so sorry that yet another family has been affected by the addiction of alcoholism.
as others as mentioned, nothing you can do can change his mind.....i just had to get out of the way of my xh, and let him nearly destroy his life and hit a huge bottom. it was tough, i loved him so very much. it was so hard to know the man i loved was out there, sick, addicted, and drinking to near death. i felt at times that i had abandoned him.
then i went to al-anon and eventually fell in love with the program. none of it was easy, but they helped me learn about alcoholism, and all about myself.
al-anon helped to save my own sanity and life. i hope you can make the connection with al-anon and find some serenity.
many hugs to you
jeri
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Wow, we are kindred people!!
My alcoholic sons father also texts me saying he 'loves this baby', he ALSO goes more nuts on the weekend, and I ALSo did not want to 'punish him' by keeping the baby away from him.
He started writing the "I love this baby" texts back in 2004, when I was still pregnant, and he is still singing the same tune,actually sending the SAME texts!!!-- and my son will be three in January. It hasnt stopped. He hasnt changed, I havent seen any money. He still sounds so sweet and sad on the phone/texts...THREE years. It is like a time warp. I move on and change, my son grows, and my A just stays in one spot, immobile.
My son does not know him as a father. There are many male(and female) friends in my life who see more of my son than his father does.But... He still sits at the bar on his stool and talks a blue streak about his precious baby. Who he never sees...Then he uses the fact that I have finally chosen to remove myself and my son from harms way to claim that I am trying to punish or manipulate him by keeping him away. And I believe that he procures pity drinks for it. ( makes me want to vomit)
The man is a liar, a violent mean person when he is active in drinking. I removed my son for my sanity, and for my sons future.
These stories have not changed in the last THREE years...I HAVE.
My alcoholic sons father also texts me saying he 'loves this baby', he ALSO goes more nuts on the weekend, and I ALSo did not want to 'punish him' by keeping the baby away from him.
He started writing the "I love this baby" texts back in 2004, when I was still pregnant, and he is still singing the same tune,actually sending the SAME texts!!!-- and my son will be three in January. It hasnt stopped. He hasnt changed, I havent seen any money. He still sounds so sweet and sad on the phone/texts...THREE years. It is like a time warp. I move on and change, my son grows, and my A just stays in one spot, immobile.
My son does not know him as a father. There are many male(and female) friends in my life who see more of my son than his father does.But... He still sits at the bar on his stool and talks a blue streak about his precious baby. Who he never sees...Then he uses the fact that I have finally chosen to remove myself and my son from harms way to claim that I am trying to punish or manipulate him by keeping him away. And I believe that he procures pity drinks for it. ( makes me want to vomit)
The man is a liar, a violent mean person when he is active in drinking. I removed my son for my sanity, and for my sons future.
These stories have not changed in the last THREE years...I HAVE.
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Your story sounds like my worst nightmare. That is what I am so afraid of. I am sure he will want to see her when he can, during the week and maybe on the weekends too but there is no way in hell he is taking her when drinking.
So, how do the custody laws work? I want 100% custody with visitation to him. How easy is that to get? Is it hard to prove they are alcoholics? I am sure its going to take more than just my word.
The texts are really getting on my nerves. Actions speak much louder than words.
How did you change? How does anyone change when dealing with an alcoholic? I don't even live with him anymore and he still affects me.
So, how do the custody laws work? I want 100% custody with visitation to him. How easy is that to get? Is it hard to prove they are alcoholics? I am sure its going to take more than just my word.
The texts are really getting on my nerves. Actions speak much louder than words.
How did you change? How does anyone change when dealing with an alcoholic? I don't even live with him anymore and he still affects me.
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