He's dying before my eyes and I've given up

Old 10-15-2007, 06:40 AM
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He's dying before my eyes and I've given up

My husband is a binge drinker, and the binges are getting frighteningly more frequent and last longer. The current one has lasted for a month, whereas he babbles incoherently and won't get out of bed. Sometimes he growls like an animal. Occasionally he seems to come out of it and seems to know what's going on but then goes back to bed with his bottle. Two weeks ago he went through detox then came home and started drinking again. He hasn't showered or bathed in well over a week, and the stench in the house is almost unbearable. He eats maybe once a day and sleeps 20 out of 24 hours. He's literally disintegrating and dying before my very eyes. I have tried to convince him to go into detox again, but he refuses. He refuses to go to his doctor or his psychiatrist (the latter being absolutely useless with any constructive advice on what to do). I have called 911, the police come and talk with him and then leave. They cannot commit him by taking him from his own home.

So, I feel all I have to do is sit back and watch him die, which he says is what he wants to do. He's not physically abusive but gets defensive and nasty if I try to get him to go to a facility where he can get help for a month or so. I've hit a brick wall. He's literally sucked me dry emotionally. I have therefore gone into either indifference or shock and now am just sitting back waiting to see what happens next. I want to institutionalize this man. even if it against his will, but cannot legally do so. Has anyone else endured the fact that their hands are tied as mine are? I feel trapped by a suicidal alcoholic. I live in northern California and am not sure what the laws are about voluntary suicide.
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Old 10-15-2007, 07:39 AM
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I have not gone through what are are, so I am sorry I don't have any great words of wisdom. I just want to offer my support to you during this incredibly hard time.
Please keep writing, people here are smart and very helpful.
Take care of yourself, ok?
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Old 10-15-2007, 07:58 AM
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(((So Tired))) While my AH does not stay in bed and not shower for a week, he is a binge drinker with his binges becoming more closer together and lasting much longer. It's the progression of the disease. My AH has alcoholic liver disease and won't live past 5 years if he continues on this path. In May he went to rehab, after my son called the ambulence on him cause he had a blood alcohol level of .4 (usually comatose or lethal in most people) and remained sober for 3 months and has been on a binge the whole month of Sept. Like yours, he isn't physically abusive, but very defensive and nasty when it broach the subject of his drinking or him killing himself, he too says he's going to die and wants to die. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. You have to save you. If you have not gone to Alanon, I really would suggest you give it a try. Alanon and SR have been lifesavers to me. My AH just detoxed at home this weekend, yes, I was concerned, but I still managed to hope for the best, got my nails done, pedicure and took my grandkids pumpkin picking then helped decorate their house while we had a pizza party. It was fun.
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Old 10-15-2007, 07:59 AM
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((so tired))

First let me welcome you to our SR family - I am glad you found us even tho I hate to hear of another family affected by this disease. Please do keep reaching out for help.

I know that laws differ from state to state - in the state where I live - we go thru the cornorer's office to have someone committed for 72 hrs if they are a danger or threat to themselves or others. Once the person is out of the home then there are other options, filing for divorce or legal seperation, temporary restraining order to keep him from coming back to the house, or hopefully after he had detox and is in that medical facility he may come to realize his need for & agree to enter a longer term treatment program.

Maybe there is a Legal Aid office in your area that could help you with this? Also, have you considered attending some Al-Anon meetings? For me, these meetings have been awesome in helping me in dealing with someone's drinking. They have provided me with a wonderful support group, recovery literature, a sponsor and a new way of living my life.

Keep coming back, Don't give up before the miracles happens in YOU - You deserve it!!

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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Old 10-15-2007, 08:02 AM
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Welcome to SR So Tired. Glad you found us.

I'm so sorry for all the pain you are feeling and for what you are going through. But you've come to the right place for understanding and support.

I don't have any knowledge about the laws, so I'm sorry that I have nothing to offer you there.

Have you looked into attending some Alanon meetings in your area for yourself? Many people here attend Alanon and have found it to be very beneficial in learning how to deal with another's alcohol related issues.

In any event, please keep coming back and sharing as you feel the need to. I'm sure others will be along shortly to lend their support as well!
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Old 10-15-2007, 08:43 AM
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Welcome, So Tired, glad you're here!

I have not lived with that, but did have a friend who did what your husband is doing; unfortunately he died about 2 years ago. He was well aware he was doing it and threatened to cut off anyone who tried to stop him. I do not know what was driving him, but I have learned by attending Al-Anon and open AA meetings that the disease is cunning, powerful and baffling and I accept that.

I think in your situation I would make some calls to attorneys - most will consult for the first 1/2 to 1 hour for free and see what your options are. I would find it very difficult to watch someone slowly kill themselves in our home.

Please keep posting - it helps to know there are others "out there" who have lived it and care very much.

((()))
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Old 10-15-2007, 04:35 PM
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I have committed my AH 3 different times.
I realize each state is different, so check with yours, but...
In Iowa you need to have 2 people who have recent knowledge that he is a danger to himself or others.
There are papers that need to be filed at the court house and then the police/sheriffs pick him up and take him to a hospital for detox - where the dr. makes a recommendation for treatment.
Of course even that doesn't always work. Case in point my AH.
You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. All you can change is you.
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Old 10-15-2007, 06:03 PM
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Unhappy I understand your pain

:sorry :sorry When the addiction got really bad it was the same as yours. My eyes were finally opened when he had a seizure at work The doctor would not let him go back to work for 6 months. He began to drink very hard. I guess the job kept him from doing that.
I had a hard time finding anyone that could help me even though I was going to Ala-non and still am. I tried everything and then left him alone…. nothing. Finally I could not bear to watch him destroy himself any longer and it was not good for the children. I went to 4 different attorneys over the course of 5 years. No I could not commit him either. I was told this is America and if someone wants to kill themselves by drinking they can.

After a year and a half of what seemed like hell, I finally got him to move out into his own apartment. He used all his 401 K money to live there for the next 3 years when I found him on the floor almost dead. I had not seen him for a week but that was not usual. He went to the ER and then to ICU where they saved him but at what cost! He now has what they call “wet brain” or Korsakoff syndrome. He has no short term memory and will have to live with constant supervision the rest of his life. It is so sad. He has been in the state mental hospital since last Dec 2006. He is waiting on placement in a home.
He has been disabled by social security. He has a guardian with the county. He will never be able to run his own life again or drive.
I cannot tell you what this has done to me. During the course of everything, I was pushed to protect myself and my children. It was the process that pushed me and I’m glad I did. Everything I did, I did not want to do but I could not live with the consequences of his actions. In fact when he was hospitalized we were separated and I have just now gotten the divorce….2 months ago. I can’t tell you the mess he left behind. There are a ton of bills. I was able to get the house titled over to me and I will tell you if I had not done that the state would have come after the house as he has no health insurance. The separation in and of itself in this state protected me from his bills.

Please, please, please protect yourself and any children you have. Take the steps today. If he turns it around…great. If not, you are protected.
You have to save yourself.
I decided he was going down and he wasn’t taking the 3 of us with him. I now get social security benefits after 4 years of separation and getting nothing.

Write to me anytime.
I am still in a lot pain over this as his family wants nothing to do with him. My children and I go see him once a week and he begs to come home. He is like he was before the addiction took over except for the memory problems. It is heart breaking. I have to move forward. It is painful.
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Old 10-15-2007, 06:06 PM
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((((SoTired)))

My heart goes out to you.

Sigh.

Yes, you are in a very tough situation. I am sorry. Most of here have seen what you are seeing to one degree or another. My AH would lay in bed for days drinking. And would become verbally abusive and just plain scary. I would look in his eyes, and it was if an alien had stolen the man I once knew...the man looking back at me was someone I did not recognize. He would wake up, grunt, puke, and go right back to it. I would beg and beg for him to let me help him get help. He refused. Until one day he agreed after a set up an intervention with his doctor. I drove him to the detox facility, and he promptly checked himself out two days later to start drinking again.

He is still at it.

I left him last January.

Like the others have already mentioned, there is nothing we can do. We can offer help, but after that, they are the ones who will have to get their sh*t together.

When I first came to SR someone told me the "3Cs" and they helped me a lot. So here they are:

You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
and you can't control it
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Old 10-15-2007, 06:41 PM
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SoTired,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. An AlAnon meeting would be a wonderful idea -- so much help and support there, and sometimes creative ideas too. And Legal Aid is a great idea as well, or an attorney.

My concern is for YOU, and the trauma you are suffering. You do not have to watch him do this. You do not have to enable this (I take it you are paying the bills, keeping food in the house, feeding him, making sure he's safe?).....if you keep making sure he has a soft nest to drink himself to death in, what reason would he have for getting better?

And you have the choice of not watching any more...This is a choice only you can make, but don't forget that the choice is YOURS, and if you choose to swim to shore rather than hang onto his sinking ship, no one can fault you for that. If someone you loved deeply came to you, telling your a story like the one you've told us, asking you how she can survive this, what would you advise her to do?

He will not get help until he's ready, and nothing, nothing, nothing you do can make him be ready faster. The choice you have is whether you want a front-row seat to his slow-motion suicide or not.

Wishing you hope and strength to get through this. You cannot control him, but you can control you.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 10-15-2007, 06:52 PM
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My heart goes out to you, too. I know exactly what you're going through. My boyfriend chose to drink himself to death, too. I tried everything I could think of to help him, but all my efforts failed. I too, think I rescued him from certain death on many occassions, but instead of being grateful for my help he was resentful and angry over my interference.

Eventually, I decided that I just couldn't sit back and watch him drink himself to death. I didn't have the strength to see it through to the end. And the thought of my daughter coming home from school and finding him dead was something that I couldn't fathom--or allow. So, two years ago I asked him to move out.

He set himself up in a small apartment and began to drink the day he moved in (he had been sober for 8 months up until then). Over the next two years he was hospitalized (and detoxed) repeatedly with more close brushes with death. He ended up on a respirator and the hospital called for next of kin. He somehow survived that episode, but that was quickly followed my more near misses.

Four months ago, I got the phone I'd been dreading for years. He was found dead, alone in his apartment with a 1/2 gallon of gin at his side. The coroner said that he was likely dead for two weeks before anyone noticed that he was gone.

I share my story with you not to scare you, but to let you know that you do have a choice. I could have sat by and watched my boyfriend slowly kill himself, but that was killing me in the process. Instead, I chose life for myself. It's a heart-wrenching decision to make, and nobody should ever have to make it, but I'm certain I made the right choice for my daughter and for myself.
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Old 10-18-2007, 06:23 AM
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Thank you.

Despite the fact that I'm not in an economic situation to leave my AH at the time being, I'm looking around for other places to live in the near future. Your words and take on my situation have been a huge comfort to me. My husband has been detoxing himself for the last couple of days but I know he'll do it again, just not certain when.

We have no children in the house - we're grandparents, in fact - but I will certainly not have mine around him when he's like this. I have been with this man for 15 years, married to him for 4. He enjoyed four years of sobriety then jumped his trolley around 2 years ago. The binges are becoming more frequent and it's the maniacal look in his eyes when he's on them that frightens me. He looks possessed and for all I know, he is. I find him a disgusting, self-absorbed 8-year-old when he drinks. I will seek out some Al-Anon meetings in my area despite the fact that the first one I attended a couple of years ago fell flat with me. I know there are others.

Many, many thanks to each of you and hugs.
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Old 10-18-2007, 06:40 AM
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So Tired, I'm in the same boat as you are. My XABF is committing alcohol suicide as well, and will eliminate anyone from his life who mentions rehab. He is a Florida resident and three of us are about a week away from filing papers to have him involuntarily taken in for asssessment then treatment. It has been a 10 month journey for me trying to FIND two others who would sign. All his ex-friends and family have washed their hands of him, or are resigned to him dying. He has done such evil acts to some that they are looking forward to the day he dies.

Anyway, PLEASE make sure there are no similar laws in California as those in other states. It is worth a try, at least. If he is bound & determined to kill himself, he will. Like you, I could not stand by and watch R kill himself. It would have killed me too. After I lost contact with him, an XGF moved back in. She got a ring on her finger, and the word on the street is that she'll watch him drown and inherit the $2 mill. That's blood money, I say.

You say "I find him a disgusting, self-absorbed 8-year-old when he drinks." Truer words, m'dear, truer words. It is a filthy, disgusting world in which these alcoholics live.
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Old 10-18-2007, 08:36 AM
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This is my fear, My husbands drinking is getting worse by the day and I was thinking last night about how he cancelled (yet another) couples counceling session because he wants to go to a party AND DRINK. Last night my ******** brother was over for dinner and wasn't there for more than an houre before my husbands friend called and needed to talk (outside the house) My brother was disapionted and sad that my husband would rather go drinking with a friend that visit with him. You know thing have gotten out of hand when even a ******** person can tell who the alcoholic is.
So today it's just a case of my getting the guts to leave and let him take what ever path he chooses but then I think, what if I stay tell he get to the point of not being able to work and then my codependence will realy kick in and I'll be thinking (I can't just kick him out on the curb to die)
It is a hard life we live.
Hugs and I will be praying for you.
D
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Old 10-18-2007, 09:06 AM
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I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I wish I knew what to say to make things better for you but I don't. I will say a prayer for you and your husband.
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Old 10-18-2007, 09:53 AM
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keep posting, so tired. i will pray for you and your husband. hugs, k
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