Day One
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Day One
Hi to everyone on this forum.
I have known academically that I am codependant for a while but I haven't realised quite what it meant.
I have been busy dealing with my alcoholism in AA but I wanted to write properly on these pages about my efforts to recover from codependancy.
So today is day one.
Sure, exabf moved out months ago but it has been the equivalent of white knuckling it I think. Somewhere underneath, I expected he would see the light and everything would turn out ok. The chapter to wives spoke to me about how to understand and live with him one day - for God's sake!
I hired him 3 years ago so now I have to see him every day.
Two days ago after being sick in bed all day with no sign of him - he drinks you see - I made a decision to recover and give him up for good and all. No games. No friendship. No believing his lies.
You see here is how it goes. He moved out. My resentment is high. Work is frosty for a while then goes to friendly. I pray for his health prosperity and happiness. I start to feel happy on my own with him around just as a friend. I accept him the way he is and I have no expectations of him. Then we go out for a drink together after work (I drink coke cos I am a recovering alcoholic). Then he stays the night cos we are both lonely and we can manage a casual relationship. He says he cares. He asks me on holiday. He says he will leave me things in his will. Then my head tells me it could be OK - that this could work. Then... you know the drill....he does something foul. I have always wanted to believe his lies.
I feel different this time. I want to give this up. I want to recover from this.
My Mother is alcoholic and it was my job to save my Dad. I run desperately chasing "love". I crave being loved like I crave alcohol.
Today at work I wore a suit of armour. I asked for help so that I would not fall for his lies any more. No matter what he might say. If he brings flowers I will reject them. If he says he cares I will ask him not to talk to me about private matters. I will work with him until I have a legal reason to fire him or until he resigns or until I leave. It isn't anything but a professional working relationship with someone I don't really like very much.
I did that today but I found it hard not to be cold. Still, there is nothing in my job description that says I have to be warm to my staff. I need to stay on my guard at all times.
O help. I am not doing well am I? Or maybe I am. It feels different. I want to do this like I do AA. One day at a time. I didn't realise how hard it was to "stay stopped". This is like giving up drinking while working in a bar.
Sorry this is so long.
I have known academically that I am codependant for a while but I haven't realised quite what it meant.
I have been busy dealing with my alcoholism in AA but I wanted to write properly on these pages about my efforts to recover from codependancy.
So today is day one.
Sure, exabf moved out months ago but it has been the equivalent of white knuckling it I think. Somewhere underneath, I expected he would see the light and everything would turn out ok. The chapter to wives spoke to me about how to understand and live with him one day - for God's sake!
I hired him 3 years ago so now I have to see him every day.
Two days ago after being sick in bed all day with no sign of him - he drinks you see - I made a decision to recover and give him up for good and all. No games. No friendship. No believing his lies.
You see here is how it goes. He moved out. My resentment is high. Work is frosty for a while then goes to friendly. I pray for his health prosperity and happiness. I start to feel happy on my own with him around just as a friend. I accept him the way he is and I have no expectations of him. Then we go out for a drink together after work (I drink coke cos I am a recovering alcoholic). Then he stays the night cos we are both lonely and we can manage a casual relationship. He says he cares. He asks me on holiday. He says he will leave me things in his will. Then my head tells me it could be OK - that this could work. Then... you know the drill....he does something foul. I have always wanted to believe his lies.
I feel different this time. I want to give this up. I want to recover from this.
My Mother is alcoholic and it was my job to save my Dad. I run desperately chasing "love". I crave being loved like I crave alcohol.
Today at work I wore a suit of armour. I asked for help so that I would not fall for his lies any more. No matter what he might say. If he brings flowers I will reject them. If he says he cares I will ask him not to talk to me about private matters. I will work with him until I have a legal reason to fire him or until he resigns or until I leave. It isn't anything but a professional working relationship with someone I don't really like very much.
I did that today but I found it hard not to be cold. Still, there is nothing in my job description that says I have to be warm to my staff. I need to stay on my guard at all times.
O help. I am not doing well am I? Or maybe I am. It feels different. I want to do this like I do AA. One day at a time. I didn't realise how hard it was to "stay stopped". This is like giving up drinking while working in a bar.
Sorry this is so long.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi, Pilgrim....welcome "over here". If you are like me, you will find lots of help and support .
It took (is taking) me a long time to break from the familiar "dance" with my now exAH (he left,too/we were married 27y/2 children). I have detatched with baby steps as I was able to put them into action.
Perhaps a boundary of not sleeping with him would help you to clarify for yourself..jmho (esp. since he has moved out).
There is a great series of books that I have found VERY helpful... (and the name is misleading; it is for you,not controlling another's drinking): Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. You can preview a few chapters at: http://www.GettingThemSober.com.
Hope you stick around......we have several other wonderful "double winners" here at this forum. Glad you are here,too.
p.s. Congratulations on your own sobriety!
It took (is taking) me a long time to break from the familiar "dance" with my now exAH (he left,too/we were married 27y/2 children). I have detatched with baby steps as I was able to put them into action.
Perhaps a boundary of not sleeping with him would help you to clarify for yourself..jmho (esp. since he has moved out).
There is a great series of books that I have found VERY helpful... (and the name is misleading; it is for you,not controlling another's drinking): Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews. You can preview a few chapters at: http://www.GettingThemSober.com.
Hope you stick around......we have several other wonderful "double winners" here at this forum. Glad you are here,too.
p.s. Congratulations on your own sobriety!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Pilgrim 
Then he stays the night cos we are both lonely and we can manage a casual relationship.
It doesn't sound like a casual relationship is possible right now; especially if a night together leads to talking about vacations and wills.
Sounds like you attend AA meetings; have you tried Al-Anon?
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to our side of SR Pilgrim! Glad that you came over to us!
It sounds as if you are AWARE which is a powerful thing! However counseling or AA, Al-Anon could guide you further into awareness-Having a caual relationship never worked for me-it does not sound as if it is something that will work really well for you either!
Keep going on your soberity that is wonderful! I can see from the sound of your posts that you are heading in the right direction!
Healing thoughts to you
It sounds as if you are AWARE which is a powerful thing! However counseling or AA, Al-Anon could guide you further into awareness-Having a caual relationship never worked for me-it does not sound as if it is something that will work really well for you either!
Keep going on your soberity that is wonderful! I can see from the sound of your posts that you are heading in the right direction!
Healing thoughts to you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Thank you so much for welcoming me and calling me a double winner. I became an alcoholic through the back door as they say.
I agree. Thinking that I can be friends and have an adult casual thing happening is like trying to say I can have just one glass of wine.
Yeah right.
The armour is on. Off I go to work. If it's ok with you I will check back in tonight with a progress report.
I agree. Thinking that I can be friends and have an adult casual thing happening is like trying to say I can have just one glass of wine.
Yeah right.
The armour is on. Off I go to work. If it's ok with you I will check back in tonight with a progress report.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello Pilgrim,
It's nice to see you over here, we have lots of good people who will share what works for them. Alanon meetings will be very helpful, I hope you can try it.
You've made good progress like someone said before, you already have an awareness of what's going on.
I think you have the willingness too. You can do this.
hugs,
cmc
It's nice to see you over here, we have lots of good people who will share what works for them. Alanon meetings will be very helpful, I hope you can try it.
You've made good progress like someone said before, you already have an awareness of what's going on.
I think you have the willingness too. You can do this.
hugs,
cmc
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Thanks so much for replying. AA has given me the strength to see the truth and face up to it. I feel like I am half way there. I am so grateful for the support here on this board.
Well day 2 is over. I have to admit to having a couple of thoughts that were not helpful. I felt sorry for him a couple of times and I am feeling a bit sorry for him tonight.
I am not exactly the world's nicest boss at the moment. I am more than just efficient. I am downright unfriendly with him really.
Still - being a people pleaser got me into this mess. If he doesn't like the atmosphere I guess he can leave.
Thing is that we have a job to do and I don't like him. I have good reason to not like him.
But what worries me is that I might be being a bit nasty. So then I have to do my nightly inventory and I have not been loving and tolerant.....
Well day 2 is over. I have to admit to having a couple of thoughts that were not helpful. I felt sorry for him a couple of times and I am feeling a bit sorry for him tonight.
I am not exactly the world's nicest boss at the moment. I am more than just efficient. I am downright unfriendly with him really.
Still - being a people pleaser got me into this mess. If he doesn't like the atmosphere I guess he can leave.
Thing is that we have a job to do and I don't like him. I have good reason to not like him.
But what worries me is that I might be being a bit nasty. So then I have to do my nightly inventory and I have not been loving and tolerant.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Progression,not perfection. You seem to be having a growing awareness and willingness to work on your stuff. Now it is just putting it into action (instead of reaction?). Try not to beat yourself up over this and just put one foot in front of the other.
And, I hope you stick around here at F & F,too!
And, I hope you stick around here at F & F,too!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 112
Al Anon has done wonders for me. And my ABF has started going too. Of course he hates it, but a lot of people do at first (I sure did) because the work is so damn hard! I have heard a lot of "double winners" say in meetings that they've made the biggest leaps in Al Anon.
It must be hard to see him everyday, but you sound like you know what's up.
PS: Please eat a chocolate fish for me.....oh, and a luxury flake
It must be hard to see him everyday, but you sound like you know what's up.
PS: Please eat a chocolate fish for me.....oh, and a luxury flake
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Thank you again. Off to start another work day. I have asked God to keep me safe from Mark today. Safe from temptation to believe lies. Safe from guilt and pity.
Are we allowed to send chocolate fish in the mail?
Are we allowed to send chocolate fish in the mail?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
My daughter broke her elbow today. Mark knew cos I had to leave work to take her to A & E.
He texted me later to ask if it was broken. I didn't answer.
Am I doing this right??? Should I answer that sort of thing? I would rather not share any part of my private life with him.
He texted me later to ask if it was broken. I didn't answer.
Am I doing this right??? Should I answer that sort of thing? I would rather not share any part of my private life with him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I struggle with what is the "right" thing to do when it seems like I'm being cruel i.e. not answering calls because I just cannot seem to have a conversation without getting sucked into the drama.
My therapist has told me recently that it is ABSOLUTELY, 100% okay for me to take care of myself and not need to explain it to anyone else. What I must do to maintain my sanity and take care of me may not be the same as the next person. In a meeting on Monday I also heard the slogans being read and one of them under First Things First said that it means taking care of ourselves even if it may hurt others. We must keep ourselves a priority. This is so hard for me, but it helped to hear it read.
There are many times when I felt that I just wanted to keep certain things to myself and felt odd/bad doing so. You are most certainly doing the right thing if it is taking care of you.
My therapist has told me recently that it is ABSOLUTELY, 100% okay for me to take care of myself and not need to explain it to anyone else. What I must do to maintain my sanity and take care of me may not be the same as the next person. In a meeting on Monday I also heard the slogans being read and one of them under First Things First said that it means taking care of ourselves even if it may hurt others. We must keep ourselves a priority. This is so hard for me, but it helped to hear it read.
There are many times when I felt that I just wanted to keep certain things to myself and felt odd/bad doing so. You are most certainly doing the right thing if it is taking care of you.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Pilgrim - you amaze me with your ability to look introspectively with such ease - at least that's how it seems to me.
I think you are doing great! WOW!
I've been "nasty" at times - but worked through my anger and having distance from XABF has helped me to do this.
Hugs.
I think you are doing great! WOW!
I've been "nasty" at times - but worked through my anger and having distance from XABF has helped me to do this.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by Pilgrim
My daughter broke her elbow today. Mark knew cos I had to leave work to take her to A & E.
He texted me later to ask if it was broken. I didn't answer.
Am I doing this right??? Should I answer that sort of thing? I would rather not share any part of my private life with him.
He texted me later to ask if it was broken. I didn't answer.
Am I doing this right??? Should I answer that sort of thing? I would rather not share any part of my private life with him.
A simple "yes" or "no" answer would also do,in a case like this, if you feel conflicted,imho.
Hope your day is a good one. Sorry to hear about your daughter's misfortune.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,622
Thanks for the advice.
I feel like letting him in to my private life is a bad idea- even in a small way. It isn't a work issue the thing with my daughter. His diseease is full blown and so it's feels like the equivalent of "just taking a sip of wine" to let him know what's going on with my daughter. Why would I? I don't trust myself yet not to start convincing myself that he does care after all. Then I would be in a mess again.
Off to take care of me again today. Day 4 and I haven't picked up the addict. Thanks again.
I feel like letting him in to my private life is a bad idea- even in a small way. It isn't a work issue the thing with my daughter. His diseease is full blown and so it's feels like the equivalent of "just taking a sip of wine" to let him know what's going on with my daughter. Why would I? I don't trust myself yet not to start convincing myself that he does care after all. Then I would be in a mess again.
Off to take care of me again today. Day 4 and I haven't picked up the addict. Thanks again.
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