Spiritual Seeker

My son has been home for a couple of mos. now. He's been present, loving, helpful and sober. I have been letting him borrow an older car to look for a job. Last night I let him borrow it to meet a friend "for a movie???" He didn't return home until today and the hood on the car is buckled. When I got home he was sleeping. I woke him up and speech is slurred and of course he knows nothing about the car hood and says he didn't use. I know a lie when I hear one.
Now he's sound asleep. Wish me the strength and compassion to handle this situation, say what needs to be said and reinstate some boundaries. Although he has been incredibly better, he is still an addict. That is reality...it was just a matter of time...What would you do? I know relapse is part of this. But by leaving him alone in my house sometimes and loaning him the car I have put myself at risk. I wanted to trust...

dollydo

That word "Trust", I stuggle with it everyday, I try not to become jaded, but, I have.

I am sorry you are going through this yet again.

Take my hand, I will pass you what little strength I have left.

Hugs,
Dolly

havehope

I'm sorry he slipped. I am sorry for you dealing with this. Of course, we all want to trust our addicts. I think that is normal. Like you said, reinstate some boundries, but those that you are willing to enforce. I know this must be hard. I haven't had to do this yet, as my daughter hasn't come back to our house. Sending prayers and courage your way.
Hugs
Terri

deedee

(((Spiritual Seeker)))

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this again. I found, for myself, that I detached much better when there was some geographic distance between me and my son. His first halfway house was fairly close to my work ... and I would drop everything if he needed a ride because I wanted to trust. He wasn't there more than a week or so before he went back out. His second halfway house was an hour and a half away and this allowed huge growth on both our parts because I couldn't get in the middle of his addiction or his recovery ... and he had to stand on his own two feet.

hugs & prayers ~

deedee

marle

Just sending some hugs. My daughter has not lived at home since becoming an addict so I do not have experience with this. Hugs, Marle

rahsue

I'm sorry you're dealing with this crap, I don't know what I would do, you see I'm not the best codie. I hope you find the strength you need to set those boundaries.

pjbs55

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Sending you hugs and prayers to help you through this hard time. Do what you have to do for YOU!!!!
HUGS,

caileesnana

see below

caileesnana

Sometimes I think the "relapse is part of recovery" sets you up for failure, but I'm just a codie mom!:codiepolice

My advice would be just that, advice, and my situation never was very good w/ my daughter. But, I do handle if better w/ her not in my house, shoving it in my face.

:sorry
prayers for you and your son
susan

Spiritual Seeker

There are a lot of my favorite people here today just when I needed your support. Thanks. It is 4 in the afternoon here. Maybe for today my 1st boundary will be you can't sleep all day at my house and go wake my grown son up out of his stupor.

cece

Spiritual Seeker,
I was just thinking that it's probably good he was sleeping so long. I know it saved my son's life a few times,( I couldn't kick him even though I was screaming inside to, because he was defenseless.) One time I found him laying on my couch, just throwing up on himself and not even moving! I knew I'd have to wait until at least the next afternoon before I could speak to him when he would hear. Its good I had that time to calm down.
It's so much harder when it happens after a period of time when you were feeling some hope again.
The only advice I have is during this time he is asleep, ask your higher power for strength to SEE your next step. Only you know.
So sorry, but I have faith in you.:praying
Cathy

Ann

Personally, I found having a front row seat to the drama of addiction was something I could not handle.

I'm so sorry this happened, and am sending tons of hugs because it must shake you up.

Hugs

greeteachday

Just sending hugs....I know that you have the tools necessary and the trust in your higher power to let your son handle the consequences of his night out. Just know that we are here with you. Hugs and prayers.

Hangin' In

Like Ann, I didn't do well with my daughter "up close and personal." I, like you, had to decide on my boundaries. And like you said, maybe your first one would be waking him up.

No matter what they are, you don't have to do them all at once. I found I got better as I set one and stuck to it. That gave me courage to set the next boundary.

I do know that after my daughter's addiction was brought to light, she knew that living in my home and using/drinking was not an option. Thank my HP, I never had to kick her out. She chose to leave because "living here was just so horrible." Yeah, right........

Hugs to you, SS, cause I know how hard it is.

Hangin' In

Spiritual Seeker

Even when not using...my addict son hasn't figured out how to live life in a productive purpose driven way. Be it depression or whatever he is stuck with lack of motivation to get out of bed and make things happen. Due to the wreckage of his past-being fired from every job he's ever had- not one employer he has interviewed with in the last month has called him back. I do know that sleeping most of the day away at my house isn't the solution. It is tough to see his lack of or inability to get a plan for his life and instead let inertia take over. This time I am not eager/willing to send him off to a facility and fork out the huge monthly fees when he has not admitted that his life is unmanagable. I've decided not to kick him out over one relapse either. He is seeing a therapist once a week...I will allow that more time.
My involvement let go and let it be. I will practice patience which has never been my strong suit. It is easy to hover and fall back into treating him like a child...I know I have lessons to learn here too and I will focus on that.

Louise54

Wishing you the best. I know my son has relapsed a few times and yet we are still trying to make him have a better life and some motivation. He does have a steady job now but unfortunately just got laid off and on top of that his brand new old truck, needed repair already. (just bought it 2 weeks ago). When stuff like this happens, he gets depressed, but I keep telling him if you just hang in there, your karma will change. You just gotta have faith. Just stay clean, and your life will come together. I'm still heavily involved with my son and his recovery, but I just keep hoping everything will be ok someday. I wish the same for you too. Hang in there.

CatsPajamas

sending hugs your way from Iowa.

I did better when I changed how I looked at things. I told myself over and over again that my son had some important life lessons to learn, and they weren't from me.

That was my way of detaching with love. It felt good to do that, and I didnt feel like I was abandoning him or hurting him by not enabling ....

This mom business is NOT for weenies.

Hugs

Cats

caileesnana

This mom business is NOT for weenies.

AMEN!