Sweet Charity

Hi I am new here. Somone gave me this link through another forum. Said that the posts here sounded like mine. my boyfriend or ex after this weekend. Sent me the email below Sat morning at 4:15AM after a night of drinking, he has does this before and then apologizes. Thing is I am not sure if he is an alcoholic as he does not even drink every week and can go two weeks or more. He stopped drinking to the point of what he did Fri. night after I told him he can't drink like that as he loses all sense of reality and scares me with his verbal abuse. We were living together, but I am at my moms now. He has never physically hurt me. Only verbally. Has grabbed my arm though and shoulder. He blames his drinking on me when he gets like this, that I push him to the point and that he then drinks to spite me. He already has a terrible temper even without drinking and he also blames that on me. Friday night we were supposed to be together after a dinner with my girlfriend. I called him but his phone was not working b/c he has not paid for it. He can only receive calls/not messages. He had told me before dinner that he would be home and to call me to tell him what time I would be home. Next thing I know he is out drinking. I was mad, asked if he was coming home. He gets mad when I do this. I also started talking about children when I finally reached him on his phone later b/c we talk about that sometimes, we both want them. I don't know how the subject came up, but I said I would like to have the option of staying home the first one-two years and not work. He said I am living in the 19th century that does not happen anymore. Well it does for my friends. This is b/c he makes hardly any money and wouldn't be able to afford it, he can't even afford taking care of himself. We never do anything, not even go out to dinner b/c he has no money. I tried to take out the vulgar language the best I could. I don't think what I did deserved this kind of treatment. but he will blame it on me or say he is sorry. i never know how he will react. I have not spoken to him since just sent some e-mails to him first apologizing and then realizing I shouldn't apologizing and sent other ones that told him it is over and that he needs professional help. Is he an alcoholic if he gets like this when he drinks heavily?

F..K YOU....and yes....F...K YOU!!! I don't need your **** anymore...just like you would say to me. Just leave...I don't know how to let you go....I guess like this.

I might be 2 years younger...but I at least have a "BANK ACCOUNT". AND, don't even go there....because...If I had the money that was given to me...like you...well....daaaaaaa!!!

I will respect your things....just make sure you get them out. SO....since I owe you $250.... - that for taxes... and you get....$170. Then get out of my life!! It is best for you and I.......................................

Just make sure you get your things out.....I don't want to be with you....I don't want to Marry...you. I WANT TO BE FREE OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will be a friend but....nothing more....this was coming for awhile......... Just leave me...you will be better off. For at least, one year that we have been together we have argue! A year later....that will never change. WE CAN NOT CONTINUED!

I don't want to be my father...but if we keep on going on the same path... I WOULD RATHER BE ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yes...besides saving somebody tonight...just count the clock....I emailed you at 4:14am...ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Barbara52

Wow. First off welcome! You will find a great deal of useful information in here.

I have to ask, why is it you want to be in a relationship with this man regardless of whether he is an alcoholic? What are you getting out of an abusive relationship that makes you want to continue it? Is this the sort of person you want as a life mate and father? Is this the sort of role model you want for your potential cildren?

CBrown

I don't care if he's drinking or not, I refuse to take such verbal abuse. My first husband was not an alcoholic and I took ten years of verbal slams from him. My XABF was an absolute disgrace in public and called me a "waterhead" and "freak" every time he had a chance. He got six months of increasingly horrible behavior before I said enough is enough.

As I get older, I get more self-esteem and refuse to put up with such behavior. I can't tell you whether your XBF is an alcohol abuser or an alcoholic, but it sure does sound like the booze fuels the abusive fire in him, doesn't it?

There are a lot of guys out there who are nice, aren't verbally abusive, and don't combine it with drink. At least I hear there are guys out there like that! You're in good company here, as we're all trying to rebuild our lives from abuse and alcohol. It sounds like the move back to your mom's house was a good one - distance yourself from this guy and look at it more objectively. Who needs that kind of behavior in their life???

Taking5

Sounds like an alcoholic to me. In AA we don't normally pronounce someone as an alcoholic, but the medical definitions of addiction are all pretty much in agreement that if the use of a substance in question has negative affects on your life, you have a problem.

I would re-think the friends part. You don't need a friend like this.

Sweet Charity

I am finished with him. OVER. I have broken up with him before after an embarrasing situation with my friends and his horrible temper. Then he wanted me back and I missed him and he promised to work on his issues etc. So I went back. Never agian. I am 37, but my life not over. I can still meet someone who is good for me. I am not settling for this crap. AND no I have already emailed him and said I do not want to be friends. He does not even have any, goes out by himself all the time to bars. mooches off me and my friends money wise as well. He needs professional help. I see a therapist as well and obviously have more issues to work on. I can't keep repeating the negative situations I was brought up in. The idiot can't even call me b/c instead of taking care of his unpaid phone bill he went out drinking and got wasted which will of course be blamed on me, b/c I put him in a bad mood and he had to drink to spite me. These are the type of things he said. I think he may have alcoholic tendencies even if he does not drink that often, b/c the alcohol affects him so negatively. He definitely is a verbal abuser. WHich hurts more than physcial sometimes I have read. Well anyone that you for listening to me and your advice, it really helps. I need the support. I don't really like to go to my friends with this, especially b/c I told most of them it was over when it was and they don't know I went back to him. I just never told them as I probably knew it was not right thing in my heart? or i was embarrased or didn't want to hear their judgements? B/C it was really good the past couple mos between us. besides he bouts of anger when I get too playfull for him etc. and in turn bother him. says i act like a child.

I am moving my stuff out of his place this week and staying at my moms until I find a job, my consultant job ended in sept. and since then I have been taking care of my mom after an accident. I grew up with a lot of abuse so I guess I feel like it is my fault when he acts this way. That I did something wrong and I have to fix it. That it is normal to be treated this way. Also, he can be so very good to me sometimes. Go out of his way for me and my family. He promised he would go to therapy, but lied. He now says there is nothing wrong with him, just our relationship and that I bring out his bad temper (which he has even when he does not drink).


You are terrible, mean, controlling, temper problems,
belittling, a drunk. Drunk e-mailing is NOT the
behavior of a mature adult!

Moreover, saying such belittling and cruel things only
points to more abusiveness down the road - a healthy
adult would NEVER direct such cruel behavior to loved
one, no matter how angry they are!

being ALONE is better than being on this emotional,
unstable, and doomed roller coaster ride.

You need professional help!!!!!!

wpgwoman

Welcome

Can I ask you what you are getting out of a relationship like that? Please, for the love of God, do not marry or have children with this man. Nothing good can come of it.

Value yourself, because he won't. Love yourself, because he doesn't show it. Walk away now, because it just gets worse.

Read other posters stories, they will show you through their own personal experiences, that Alcoholism comes in many different forms. What you have shared with us so far screams "alcoholic" to me. That is only my opinion. How about you just read and than read some more, everything this wonderful forum has to offer. You might be surprised at how many of us have been or still are right where you find yourself.

By the way, he is just spewing BS. I can guarantee, it is not you fault. None of his actions are. All we are responsible for is our reactions.

Good luck to you. Keep posting it will help.

wpgwoman

I learned from personal experience that my words meant nothing to my A. I was once faced with a year separation with mine. I wish I could go back and do things differently. I believed all the lies that he had changed. I clung to the good times, which now I can clearly see were few and far between.

Stay strong and follow through on that email. End the roller coaster ride. It will be the healthiest decision you ever make. Good luck

fluffyflea

You deserve so much more than this. get yourself some support through alanon and try not to respond to his e-mails.

Your words mean nothing to him anyway. it just keeps the game going.

Ngaire

Sweet Charity

it does just keep the "game" from going on and the words mean nothing to him, especially b/c in his mind everything is my fault. I would hope he would realize what he has done is so very wrong and that what he said is abusive, sometimes he says it is. But does he belive it I don't know, b/c he continues on with his behavior. Comes home one day and said he called two therapists. The other day I asked him about it and he said he lied that he never did he does not need help he says. He says he is fine. that i bring it all out in him. sorry if i am repeating myself can't remember what I wrote anymore. it really hurts though. i feel so alone especially b/c my best friend who I usually depend on for support in these type situations 1) does not have any time for me right now as she has been working 24/7 on her company 2) does not even know I got back together with this ass as I never told her.

thanks!

Barbara52

Since you've make a healthy descision to move on, try to work on that.

I have found that by working on my own issues in being in a marriage with an A, I have gained greater understanding of the whys behind my choices and a greater understanding of my AH.

wpgwoman

All I can tell you with absolute certainty, is if my A opens his mouth and utters anything, it is guaranteed to be BS. It is how the game is played. They want us to shut the hell up, so they tell us what we want to hear.

One heck of a way to live isn't it??

Sweet Charity

what does "AH" mean?

Barbara52

Alcoholic Husband in here. Though of couse I sometimes mean something a bit more, um, earthy in my head.

Sweet Charity

hadenoughnow

Please, run, do not walk, away from this man. Any man who tells you he will be a terrible husband and father means what he says.

CarolD

Run...don't look back!

I married at 39 because I felt scared to be alone later on.
Very disasterous due to mental and physical abuse...which did
not happen until after the wedding.

Yes...my husband drank but not alcoholically.
He punched me sober...I almost lost an eye.
I fled...leaving everything in our house.

But I cleaned out the bank accounts
on my way out of town. Bought new things.

Soooo...this guy and my ex are the losers
in life. I am a winner and so can you be.

ARealLady

Welcome to SR, Sweet Charity....know, above all, that the capacity to abuse belongs to your BF (XBF?) and that you did nothing wrong. I agree with others here who have said that his behaviour doesn't make for good marriage or parenting material. If there are problems now they can only get worse.

Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie? Lots of great insight there as to why we stay with people who do us no good and how to break free.

Hugs!

ARL

denny57

An excellent read is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend it.

minnie

Hi there SC, and welcome.

Sorry to hear about your predicament and hope you can find some peace here on SR.

Have you checked out the sticky post about abuse? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Loads of great links on there.

I remember when I was in a situation where there was a lot of emotional abuse and manipulation and could not see the wood for the trees. Looking back, I can scarcely believe that I thought that anything other than his marching orders was appropriate, yet I stayed for some time afterwards. What followed was a whole load of soul-searching to understand why I allowed someone else to behave like that towards me more than once and why I thought I could change them. I did that with a lot of help from SR, a counsellor and Al-anon, yet all the work had to be done by me. It was never really about him.

ICU

Welcome to SR Sweet Charity!

I'm sorry for all that you have gone through. I know it hurts and it is frustrating!

What you wrote here, more than anything, struck a chord deep within me.

I lived with a verbally, emotionally, financially, AND physically abusive man. I endured a lot with him. Eventually, I took the action I needed to take to protect myself and ended the relationship, with legal assistance!

But it wasn't until several months 'after' the realtionship ended did I truly begin to look at 'why' did I accept this from him? The answer was because of the abuse I endured as a child. It wasn't that I wanted to 'fix' my ex so much, but rather it was 'comfortable', or rather, 'familiar territory'...all the abuse, the drama, the pain, the suffering. It's like an old Carly Simon song...'Haven't Got Time for the Pain', when she says "suffering is the ony thing made me feel I was alive, thought that's just how much it cost to survive, in this world". It was really all I could count on....all I knew!

Well, THAT had to change. Slowly, I began sorting through everything in my life so as not to repeat that cycle again! I wanted that cycle broken, permanently! I did that through 'some' Alanon meetings, although what "I" really needed was DV counseling, individual counseling, and reading books on codependency, and finally, SR!

Through all of that hard work, I've learned that I am lovable, even if I'm the only one loving me. I've learned that I deserve to be treated well, even if I'm the only one treating me well. I've also discovered how to nurture that wounded child within me. I'm happy to report that she is doing well and thriving today, although she still has a ways to go in her own work.

Additionally, about the very first thought I have in the morning, well, ok, after my first cup of coffee, LOL, is that 'the only people that will be allowed in my life are the ones that will enhance it'!!!!!!!!! I cannot stress that enough to myself.

I hope my experience I've just shared with you doesn't sound silly. I felt kind of silly typing it out. I just wanted to touch on that chord of similarity between us and let you know what I did, and how it turned out for me. A little food for thought for you, if you will.

Oh, I also agree with Minnie's post about viewing the Abuse link that she provided. Lots and lots of good stuff in there! Oh, and the book that Denny reco'd is somthing that I found invaluable as well.

Keep coming back!