ItalianGirl

Hi!!! I need your thoughts ASAP ...

I just dropped my BF and his friend off at their AA meeting ....

Here's my question - I'm having a moral dilema here ....

When they went to their weekend retreat, they didn't tell them NOT to drink (since they're social drinkers, not alcoholics) and that they should just make sure to "always have a plan"

Well, when his friend got in the car, the FIRST thing out of his mouth was how 2 of his pals showed up as he was leaving and wanted to hang out ... he said he would when he got home. Sooooo ... he wants me to bring him to the liquor store to get a 30 pack (or whatever qty. it comes in, I don't TOUCH beer) so he can play beer pong all night. He said it's fine, 'cause it's at home. But it just seems morally wrong to me to do this.

Your thoughts? I need ASAP - Thank you!!

Pick-a-name

I didn't buy alcohol for my AH (after his drinking became a problem for ME) . I did not stop him from drinking or buying his own. He stoped asking me to do it,too.

I'd say (if it was me) that if he wants it,fine.......but he'll have to get it himself (or find someone else to get it for him).

ItalianGirl

Hi! It's not for my boyfriend -it's for his friend .

I dont want to do it - It just seems so wrong to me that I'm bringing him to AA meetings, then taking him to buy beer....

cmc

When I am in doubt about something, I pray first. I have found that it's best for me to listen to what my 'gut' or my inner voice tells me to do. If I don't get a solid answer on something, then I do nothing until or if I do. This way, I have a peace inside that I have done the right thing for ME, and no regrets.

You have stated how you feel about this, why would you want to do something you feel is wrong?

aztchr

I trust my feelings more now than ever. If I didn't want to do something, I wouldn't.

hopeangel

i'm with all above - i would not do anything that i did not feel is right.

i would just say sorry, i don't feel right about it and don't want to do it. END OF STORY.

i can tell you that compromising MY own principles, tolerating things i did not want to tolerate, accepting things that I knew were unacceptable to me led to MY OWN downfall. it led to ME losing my self esteem, to resentment, to anger, to depression, to me not liking what I saw in the mirror. in a nut shell, it led to me losing MYSELF and my OWN identity.

in the end. the sacrafice was too great.

ARealLady

Slowly....very, very slowly, I am learning that if a request made by another person does not sit comfortably with me I can allow myself to refuse.

If the friend who wants beer doesn't have a car or is without a license because of a DUI, there are taxis....consequences!

ARL

Mr. Christian

Janitw

When in doubt ......DON'T.

Just remember hunny......it never gets better than courtship.... hmmm.

Jfanagle

A 30 pack and "beer pong" all night? It may be that the definition of SOCIAL DRINKING is as confused as your friends.

I have been a sober member of AA for 8 years and I don't remember the last time I sat by "social drinkers" in a meeting. They are usually out drinking socially since that type of drinker doesn't have any reason to be in an AA meeting. I have sat by those who believe they are social drinkers, but the legal system has a different idea.

If you are attending AA meetings on a court invitation, alcohol HAS become a problem.

You are a wise young lady to leave the infliction of damage to the individual who wants to do the damage. The fact "you" feel uncomfortable tells me that you are the sanest one of the bunch.

Jon

Barbara52

Listen to you gut which is already telling you no. At least that's what I would do.

FormerDoormat

One of the ways to save yourself from this torment is to follow your instincts and say no. Another way is to let your boyfriend and his friend drive themselves to and from AA meetings. If they're serious about their recovery, they'll find their own way there.

ICU

Ditto to what they all said!

My ex used to ask me to pick up another bottle on the way home from work for him. I always told him that if he wants to drink I can't stop him, but I won't help him either.

ItalianGirl

Hi there -

Okay, here's my reply to everything you all said!!!

#1 - They can't drive themselves to the meetings, they're going as part of a year long process to get their lisence back after a DUI

#2 - I didn't bring him to get his beer. He was pissed, and I don't care. I asked my boyfriend if it upset him, that I didn't bring his friend, and he said "No, that's your chioce. I totally understand, you're bringing us to meeting to STOP drinking and then he expects you to drive him to get beer? Listen, it's your chioce, and I know you, if you HAD brought him, you'd be feel horrible. So it's best, in all ways, that you didn't.

#3 - Maybe things got a little confused here - my boyfriend wasn't going to be drinking with him - we just picked him up/dropped him off for the AA meeting - he would rather be with me he said.

#4 - He is a social drinker (my BF) ... but his friend, I don't know why he wasn't labeled as an alocholic. He's 31 years old and parties with people who are 22-26 yrs old - like he's still in college or something.


I think that's it. Thank you all ... really. It's easier to say NO to someone knowing there's people you can go to ... :ghug3

fluffyflea

Hi,

Respect yourself,if you aren't comfortable with it don't do it. Period.

Ngaire

Barbara52

They can find a means to get there that doesn't involve you performing the driving (a form a saving them from the consequences of their choices). But its up to you of course. Personally, I wouldn't drive the friend especially since he obviously thinks nothing has changed.

Just where does the line fall between "social drinker" and "problem drinker/alcoholic" for you? Social drinkers don't find it necessary to go to AA to deal with the effects of their drinking on themselves and those around them. I am a social drinker. I have a glass of wine now an then. I do not have a problem with alcohol and have no need to go to AA. Its not even a remote problem in my life.

ItalianGirl

I'm getting sick of driving his friend after just a few times. Everytime he coems out of the meetings, he's complaining that everyone has such as sad story that it makes him want to drink .... Nice. He's within walking distance to a church that has meetings, I'm about to tell him to walk.


My boyfriend didn't start going to these meetings because he had to control his drinking, he started going because the court system in CT is MAKING him. But he's honestly getting A LOT out of it (unlike his friend!) and it really learning from it. He comes home from the meetings and tells me what he's learned, and what things really affected him. He started of going because he HAD to, and now it seems like it's making him feel better. We went out for dinner with friends on Thursday - ALL the guys were drinking beer and watching baseball - and he just had water.

I didn't make up his label, the court system, and his alocholism workshop did.

DesertEyes

Howdy IGirl

One of the things we tell DUI guys at meetings of AA is just how do they go about getting their beer if they can't drive? That question is good for this guy you're taxi-ing around. If he wanted beer bad enough, he'd call a cab, get on a bus, or _walk_.

A cab or a bus they would have to _pay_ for. Are you getting paid for all these rides, IGirl? Are they paying for your gas, your can insurance, maintenance, and your time? Cuz if they're not you are totally justified in telling them to hoof it.

ok... so... what's the label that _you_ have decided to use? _our_ recovery is all about making our own decisions for our own life and no longer allowing other people to make those decisions for us.

I have decided that the program of al-anon is good for me, so I identify myself as a grateful member of alanon. ok, that takes too long to say, so I just say I'm an "alanoid"

Come up with your _own_ labels, IGirl.

Mike

cmc

And what did they both/each do to get a DUI?

Once I realized that all the problems I had with my son revolved around his drug use- who he was with, when he did it, how much he used, how often he did it or what drug or drink he used meant nothing.

I knew that he had a problem and was going to continue to face problems of increasing intensity until he was ready to admit to the problem and want to stop doing the things that got him in trouble.

I'm glad your bf is getting something out of the meetings.
What helped me more than anything was to attend open AA meetings without my son. In the beginning I attended more open AA and NA meetings than I did my own Alanon meetings- but I did not stop attending Alanon. Alanon is the best place I know, besides here at SR, where I can learn about MY part in what is called the "Merry Go Round" of addiction. (btw- that is the name of a very good pamphlet that Alanon publishes.)

Again, the point I had to learn was that the important thing was for me to concentrate on ME and not what my son was or wasn't doing. Even when I attended the AA and NA meetings- my focus was on me and what I could learn from the people there, and I learned alot and became quite inspired to make my own changes.

ItalianGirl

No, no one pays for my gas, etc... Honestly it's about a 2 minute drive from my house to get him - it's not inconvient to pick his friend up - it's his friends ATTITUDE that's obnoxious.

I don't mind driving my boyfriend - Yes, you're right, if he can't drive, then how did he get his beer? Obviously, he drove. Which is why we were in court all morning Thursday, fighting his being pulled over for driving while suspended (not drinking) .... he goes to work and back - and to see his son - that's all he drives now.

As for what label do I give him? I dont' think he's an alcoholic - and PLEASE don't jump down my throat about my being in denial about it - If he was, I'd say he was. It is a VERY social drinking problem he has.



The both drove drunk .... He (my BF) was out with friends, and he was the least drunk and he drove, and got caught. His friend got caught 2 times - and lost it for 3 years. Or something like that.