Mad as He__ __!

Old 10-12-2007, 11:59 PM
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csc
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Mad as He__ __!

I'm not certain if I am in the right place or not. All of you seem to have more experience with dealing with an addict than I do, but I'm learning fast. My financee is an recovering addict. He used before we got together and was sober when we met. This past year was my first experience with the drama that seemed to come out of nowhere.

I suppose i denied it longer than I should and of course I felt like we were strong enough to get through it (my fault). This seemed to go down hill really fast and before i realized the only feeling i had left was anger, resentment and a whole lot of disappointment. I must be honest to say those feeling were equally split between him and myself.

Now that he is finally after so many years admitted that he as a problem he is seeking treatment. My concern is that the feeling i have are so strong and deep rooted in hurt, that we can't even have a conversation about simple things.
How do I begin to put the puzzle back together?
How do you forgive the anger?
What I do to help him and me.
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Old 10-13-2007, 03:12 AM
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Originally Posted by csc View Post
How do I begin to put the puzzle back together?
How do you forgive the anger?
What I do to help him and me.
Nar Anon meetings.



Welcome to SR.
The best way to help him is to help yourself. The best place to find answers on just how that is done is Nar Anon meetings.
His issues...he needs deal with himself.
Your issues (waiting and thinking you could change things) have answers and those answers do work.
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Old 10-13-2007, 10:04 AM
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What I do to help him and me.

maybe this was a typo for you, but it's better if it's - What I do to help me and him. But take care of yourself and he has to do the same.
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Old 10-13-2007, 10:29 AM
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csc,

Anger is something we're all familiar with here, you're right. Sometimes the anger and the hurt are so big that they seem insurmountable.

And they may be -- it just depends on a lot of things. But if you want to try, a good thing to start with is, like Best says, NarAnon meetings. These are meetings for loved ones, not the addicts themselves. People share what's happened, ideas, solutions, and just plain support. They can help you get to the root of where precisely your anger lies, and maybe even help you defuse it. For example, I learned that much of my anger (probably 50%) wasn't anger at my X, it was anger at myself for having not been strong enough or smart enough or observant enough or WHATEVER enough to save myself from the pain he dished out.

The other 50% was my soul's way of telling me that I was staying in a relationship that was unhealthy for me. For me, the anger and hurt accumulated over many years along with infidelity, lots and lots of lies, and general irresponsibility on his part. I stopped and looked carefully at the relationship and decided that it wasn't anything like the kind of life I wanted to be living. I wanted someone I could trust, someone who wasn't a ticking bomb for relapses the rest of our lives together, and someone who detested lying as much as I did. The anger was telling me: you don't belong here.

But you have to think on all of this for yourself -- think about what YOU want out of life, and write down the traits that you need & want in a life partner, the ones you admire in others, the ones you dreamed of as a girl. If your fiancee is simply too far from the person that you KNOW you want for yourself, or if you're not willing to live with the risks and challenges of being married to an addict (all the costs, lies, risk of relapse, etc.) then you have to act on that.

In the meantime, take care of you. Keep developing your own strengths, goals, dreams, friendships, LIFE! He needs to take care of his side of the street, you need to take care of yours.

So sorry that you needed to find a place like this, but so glad you found us anyway. There is a lot of support and kindness here.

Hugs,
GL
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Old 10-13-2007, 12:40 PM
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Keep reading the posts here, they help so much! Sorry you are going through this!
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Old 10-13-2007, 05:14 PM
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Welcome...I'm very sorry for your pain. I'm glad he has admitted he has a problem and is seeking help. Naranon was the way I found tools to handle my problems. It started as tools that would help me with addiction and its effects, but now the program and the steps are things I practice in my daily life...addiction or no addiction. Once I admitted I had a problem, I then become open and receptive to change. Hugs
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Old 10-13-2007, 05:34 PM
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welcome to s.r. you are in the right place. we have the experience because we followed the 12 steps of our program.my addict is my son. the first thing learn is that we are powerless. there is nothing u can do for your b.f. he has got to do it all himself. learn to take care of yourself by coming here & going to meetings. prayers,
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Old 10-13-2007, 07:34 PM
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csc
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Thank you all so much for the words of support, its truly a blessing to have found those who have gone on before me.

It really hard to remember the dreams of the past and now to be faced with the realities of my present. I look forward to learning how to move forward and be whole again.

I often wonder what causes people to render so much harm and self destruction to themselves and others. I guess we each have a different path we must follow and at times we get stuck on a dark place.

Thank you all so much.
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