sheshe555

So my bf and I are still at the first step... he's admitted he has a problem and says he is going to do something about it.... When & what I'm still unsure of, but he says he will. We'll see I guess. All I know is I need to start seeing something soon....

At many people's suggestion I am considering checking out a few Alanon meetings. I've found one very close to home and now its a matter of fitting it into my schedule and deciding if I'm definitely going or not.

Question is... Should I tell him if I decide to go to an Alanon meeting? He still hasn't done anything so far this week. I think he's still in that phase of dealing with the fact that he realizes he needs to do something and I think he's having a hard time accepting it. But do something already... he hasn't called his insurance to see what his therapy coverage is, hasn't looked into any books, hasn't looked into any therapists, etc. I know he needs to do this at his own pace, and (as I'm sure they always do) he says he will - but I feel like I'm looking into this more than he is. I know I'm definitely worrying about it more than him... isn't that always the case... but at least show me something, pick up a book, make a phone call... something

I'm concerned that if I tell him I'm going to Alanon before he's done anything I will scare him away from seeking his own help... but I hate the idea of lying to him.

Thoughts?

denny57

My first thought is - go to the meeting. Talk to others before and after. Ask them this question. I'd stop waiting for him to do something and do something for myself.

My experience: I went for 6 months before I told AH. When I did he stopped speaking to me and filed for divorce. Two years later he's still raging about it (and drinking) and I have a serenity I never thought possible.

Good luck!

ICU

My ex knew I was going to Alanon. Some of my Alanon meetings coincided with his AA meetings; same time, same place (different room of course).

In my case, I didn't see a need to hide it from him. But each case can be different.

wpgwoman

This paragraph really hit home with me. I had the very same expectations when my A said he was going to quit. That was over a year ago. I'm still waiting. Is he alcohol free?? On the most part, that I know of.

You need to focus on you, not him. These wonderful people at SR helped me start to see that. Although there are days where I have alot of difficulty with this, it is getting easier. My A will do what my A wants to do. There's nothing I can do about it. I've done my part. I've given him more resources than I thought possible. We even have insurance paid therapy. He CHOOSES not to utilize any of it. I have chosen to attend f2f meetings and see a therapist.

As for al-anon meetings, I told my A. I got the silent treatment, I got anger, I was told I was trying to manipulate him, then I got accused of going out so I can meet my boyfriend. He's so delusional. I go to meetings for me not him. I could care less how he feels about it.

Remember this, by making the choice to go to meetings, can in no way scare him away from seeking his own help. We are not that powerful to have the ability to bend another's will like that. He will get help only if he wants help.

Hopes this helps.

minnie

See, when I have a realisation about a thing, I take some action to do something about it. This is what I don't get when I read tales of spouses saying they have a problem, then saying "but there isn't a place in detox" or "I can't afford rehab". these are not the only options - GPs, AA, SMART Recovery, therapists, SR, Salvation Army, and the list goes on.

Anyway, just go. Tell him if you like, but is there a reason why you have to account for your every move? My ex was verbally enthusiastic about my going to alanon, however is behaviour became quite extreme in the 3 months after my first meeting. So much so, that I left him. Alanon is threatening to some of those who are only paying lip service to recovery and see alanon as a threat.

Personally, I would suggest trying out some meetings first to see if you get a fit.

Jazzman

All depends on your motivation for doing so.

In the hopes it will be a wake up call that you're troubled enough to seek out support, so he better take your concerns seriously?

Or because you choose to do this for yourself, regardless of his choices?

Once I was honest with myself about my motives for doing ... what ever, I became much more aware of my part in the dance.

minnie

Great point, Jazz. Somehow I have left the whole motivation thing by the wayside, so thank you.

(Nice to see you about SR, btw.)

sad and in love

I told my ex I was going to start going to al anon meetings when I was still with him, and he almost put me in the hospital. After he attacked me, he told me I didn't need to go to those meetings because he didn't have a problem, and then later acted like he hadn't done anything.......Sometimes it's better to just go and not tell your A......

Mr. Christian

Each of us have our own journey. The time and effort of his is up tp him. If he does it or not.



Talk is cheap



I say hit the meetings and work on your self. What you do for your recovery should not affect what he does. Nor should you have to tell him unless he straight out asks you. Then you can be honest.

rawr_x

if he has a bad temper i would definetly not tell him