respektingme

Who was it here who said they decided to have a drink in their own house, when their alcoholic spouse was active? I had never thought of that before. For 14 years, I have been stone sober. No booze in the house. No drinks, except having a girlfriend over once in a blue moon to share a bottle of wine before AH comes home. I've never known what it is like to be able to have a drink in my own home. DH has. Gallons upon gallons of vodka have come through our front door.

I have wanted a margarita since this morning when the thought first crossed my mind. It's almost taboo for me to have booze in the house. I can't imagine what AH will even think if he sees me make a drink. But honestly, my not drinking in the house hasn't done a damned thing to stop him from drinking. He'll stop by the package store today on the way home with his. I think I'm going to. Not to get even. But to stop denying myself for a really stupid reason.

Alcohol was never taboo to me until I met AH. Now it's like a freaking bad word. So dumb!!!

Astro

My ex and I used to drink together, we met in a bar and the first time she had me over for dinner she had a 12-pack chilling in the fridge. As the years went on and my disease progressed, I think it disgusted her to see what it was doing to me, so she drank less and less. Before we divorced if she wanted a drink she'd go out with friends while I isolated and drank myself into oblivion.

If you're a normal drinker, I see no reason why you should deny yourself the pleasure of a beverage. My GF is a normie, it's been awhile since she's brought a bottle of wine over for herself, but she knows she can. When we go out for a meal it's nice to see her enjoy a glass of wine or beer, and a reminder to myself that I can't safely take a drink again.

Enjoy that margarita. You deserve it;-)

respektingme

When I met AH, I was the social planner for everybody in my department. We used to go out almost every Friday night. That included drinks and pool, and laughs, etc. I thought it was odd that AH always would do shots of jagermeister in addition to drinking his beer. The only other guy who used to do that passed away a few years ago. He was a real sweetheart. Lung cancer got him, but he was a raging alcoholic. He was 40.


Anyway, I hate that booze effects some people so horribly. I even stopped ordering drinks at dinner in front of him. No more. I'll respect his sobriety if and when he gets sober again. Until then, no more denying myself for reasons related to him.

CBrown

Funny, I had the same thought with my XABF when we were still "together" (if you could call it that) I thought "When he is on program I'll never be able to drink in his presence again." What a laugh. That's like me saying "I'm trying to diet, please don't eat in my presence." Now, on the other hand, if he had actually ever gone on program, and said that it really tempted him if I drank in front of him (and weren't a liar, cheater, and truly reformed from his scummy ways) I would have GLADLY not drank in front of him. Do something reasonable to help him, heck yeah I would have.

You can limit your booze intake all you want, he's still going to up you tenfold. I'll gladly have a margarita with you this afternoon. Make it on the rocks, no salt.

wpgwoman

I know the feeling. This past year I have struggled with how to handle that very situation. "Cold beer" - they were dirty swear words, never to be spoken. Hell, when those beer commercials popped on TV, I would get a sick feeling in the pit of my gut wondering what my A was thinking. To me it was just something to drink. To him it was possibly his "next" drink.

I didn't have a problem with alcohol, yet I felt guilty. I was being supportive by not bringing booze into this house, but once in a blue moon I wanted to have a cold beer.

Not long ago I met a someone I used to work with on an outdoor patio for a couple of beers. We sat outside and chatted for a couple of hours laughing about old times. A couple of beers in a couple of hours, what the heck did I have to feel guilty about, but I did. I rushed to get home before my A, showered, changed clothes and brushed my teeth so he wouldn't smell the beer on me. Worried that I might set him off.

Truth is, I know exactly where you are coming from. On a hot summers day, once in a while I might want to sit on my deck and sip a cold beer, but I don't. I feel like it is rubbing salt into an open wound. But then again, where did being supportive get me????

I hate what this disease has done to all involved.

queenteree

I too like a cold beer once in a while on a hot summer's late afternoon/night. After AH went to rehab in May/June, I worked all week and on weekends went up to visit him. So I didn't have any beer. Once he came home, he said it wouldn't tempt him if I wanted some, but I didn't cause I didn't want to take that chance. A day or two before he relapsed Labor Day, he bought O'Douls for himself. We went to a party where he insisted I have some beer so I could "enjoy" myself. I had few, he's been on a bender since. I know he drank that night, used me drinking beer to cover it up. Last weekend, while he was "fishing and going to AA meetings" my friend and I had a few beers. He came home drunk, I wasn't and he turned it all around that just cause I "was drunk" I was accusing him!!!! Needless to say, not worth it to drink around him, gives him more ammo, but I'm getting out of this relationship so I don't have all this hanging over my head, and I can do what I want, when I want. So, I'll have a margarita w/you too.

hbb

I too like Astro's gf, i socially drank once J quit. He would get mad everytime i asked if he minded if i had a drink with dinner if we were out. I did considerably cut back with him and even offered to quit drinking totally. My friend (recovering as well) told me if i quit because he quit that i would resent him for "making" me quit when it wasn't the case. But then i didn't know alot that i know. It was weird to have one or 2 drinks around him but at the time he was drinking O'douls so go figure!!

GlassPrisoner

Anyway, If an alcoholic is in recovery, they shouldn't care if there's booze in the house.

wpgwoman

Just an afterthought. I don't drink margaritas, but I'm in if you're serving up ice cold beer.:beerchug: We could even use my deck.

Astro

My understanding of my recovery is this: If I truly want good recovery and sobriety, the idea is for me to return to a normal life or way of living. That includes being around people who can drink safely. I'm just not one of them!

Jazzman

Mine w/ extra lime please

rkymtncowboy

There is no way I can do that. My AW wouldn't last 5 minuets w/o drinking. She even called her relatives and complained I had a drink at dinner even after she brought it up. The funny thing was one of her relatives took us out to dinner and ordered a drink w/o even asking her. My AW has been trying since late 2002 to quit and only has 3 months now. WAY TOO EXPENSIVE TO DRINK AT THE HOUSE! Now if she don't know, it wont hurt her.

respektingme

well cowboy, you're lucky your wife has 3 months. I don't think my AH made it to 2 months after the 3k rehab he went through. I haven't had a drink in 2 months and haven't given is a second thought. Truth be known, if I thought for a second my AH was serious about stopping, I'd really never even consider bringing booze into the house. But it's clear that he's not.

minnie

Heh, margaritas are now my official recovery cocktail! I remember having them at my post flight dinner with both Minx and Jazz and so they will be forever associated with SR. Heck, I am sure even you Merkins can appreciate the irony in that!!

So, pour me a cold one.

Layla2222

good thread! ..........and good point!
Well, with all thats been going on w/ me lately (and my AH)...I am at the stage where I just despise alcohol....I wish it we're illegal, and I even get a little mad inside when I see people buying a fifth at the store. Anyone know this feeling??
I know it's pretty illogical....I guess I'm just feeling like alcohol has been the cause of SO many problems in my life......however, even if alcohol didn't exist, I realize the problems would be there anyways....along with some other "reality-escaping" drugs......

Anyways, I too have never had a problem w/ alcohol, and I (used to) like to have a drink once in a while...at home or at a restaurant--but now, i wouldn't dare. Besides having a little "grudge" against it....I also feel like it would just give my AH a reason to call me a hypocrite & use it against me & drink (But as mentioned above, he drinks anyways so what's it matter?!)

What a crazy argument on his side.... oh! but he has argued crazier things.... When I tell him I cant be around him/be with him when he drinks, he has the nerve to compare his drinking to me smoking cigarettes. Um, hello! Smoking cigarettes doesn't make me suicidal, abusive, mean, etc....and it sure doesn't make me flip my car into a river or jump out a second story window! If anything it may relax me and make me a bit nicer lol.
Basically, a bunch of manipulations....(especially b/c he often smokes cigarettes as well-- among other things!)

Kinda makes me mad--Now I have this silly anger towards a liquid of all things--ha! and I feel scared to ever have a drink....not b/c of me, but b/c of him.....
I agree, it sucks that drinking has become "taboo" for many of us....

LaTeeDa

I can relate, Layla. I was mad at alcohol for a long time. I didn't have a single drink for about a year after I split up with my husband. He was out of the house and I was still mad at alcohol! LOL I did eventually get over it though, and now I have a glass of wine or a margarita and I'm okay with it.

L

Aquarian

Long ago I used to be uncomfortable and angry at booze. So when my AH quit drinking for 10 yrs I had no problem barely having it in my life. My AH decided to start up about 5 yrs ago. We partied together and had fun, until he started going off the deep end. I'm not sure why, but over the years - I decided to not be mad at the alcohol, it's the behavior of some that sucks. Two months ago my AH quit drinking (forever hopefully) and I still drink. He says HE is the one with the problem and not me, so I should not have to quit. I wouldn't anyway. I am more selfish or maybe less co-dependent nowadays and figure I have focused and catered to his needs for SO many years, I am going to think about myself for once.

harleygirl92156

I don't agree with this (sorry). Each person knows their limits, some can handle booze in the house, some can not. They can set their boundries just the same as we can. My AH prefers to not have it in the house. We know and socialize with a lot of A's working a program and it is really nearly split 50/50 on this subject.
As I said it is up to each individual, they know their limits and if we want to have a relationship, we should respect their boundries as we would wish them to respect ours.
We didn't have alcohol in our house when he was active, why would we have it in our home with him in recovery.
I personally think it is disrespectful to drink in front of an alcoholic. They have worked hard on their sobriety and I personally respect that. I don't "need" to have a drink with supper and if it gets to the point that I do, then I am the one with the problem.
Just my thoughts and opinions. Its about me respecting his limits and boundries.

respektingme

If he was active, didn't HE have it in your house? Or was he only drinking outside of the home?

Is it disrespectful to eat a cheeseburger in front of someone who is obese? Does your AH think it's disrespectful to be drunk in front of you?


I'm glad your AH has worked hard on his sobriety. I don't think mine has at all. I've been the only one between the two of us who has kept booze out of this house. I don't respect or disrespect anything about his alcoholism. It's his problem, not mine. I don't have a problem with booze.

I agree, by definition, a casual drinker doesn't ever "need" to drink. I certainly don't "need" to drink. None of us "need" to eat meat. None of us "need" to color our hair. None of us "need" to wear makeup. None of us "need" most of the stuff we have in life. Our actual needs are quite basic. In particular, if an alcoholic is active, drinking in front of them, on top of them, under them, or behind their back has zero effect on their disease whatsoever. So, while in the past I have NEVER had booze in this house in the hopes of not tempting him more, the reward has been zero. In normal households, people can have a few bottles of liquor in the cabinet if they decide to make a drink now and then. In normal households, people can keep a 6-pack in the fridge. Most normal people don't think so heavily about this sort of stuff. So my point is, if I want to have a margarita, and he's chugging vodka every single night, I think I'll go ahead and have a margarita.


Your AH doesn't sound too bad. I can readily recall tons of times my AH has been drunk and disrespected my limits and boundaries. I'm just saying, I'm tired of trying to be a saint for his sake. I don't feel I am disrespecting anyone by having a few drinks when he's active. I am being true to myself. It was a lot more fun than wishing I had a margarita while he came to bed after drinking his regular 8oz. of vodka straight. My actions had absolutely no bearing on his. And I like salt, so it tasted pretty good.

harleygirl92156

He drank outside our home. Respected ME enough not to bring alcohol into our home, even though I knew he was drinking.

Yes


Your situation sounds completely different from mine therefore I understand your anger and resentment.

I was not talking about and ACTIVE alcoholic, I was referring to an alcoholic in RECOVERY, two completely different situations. I to would not have a problem drinking a margarita infront of an active alcoholic chugging vodka.


You shouldn't be a saint for his sake, ever. You should only do what is right for you. If drinking alcohol in front of a recovering alcholic feels right for you then by all means do it. I was only stating how I felt about the situation and I personally would not do that because for ME personally, it would be disrespectful.