Husband addicted to coke.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 1
Husband addicted to coke.
I have been with my hubby for almost 11 years, married 3. He has been addicted to drugs all this time but it has got worse and worse. He hasnt worked in 3 years, he has sold and pawned everything we own, including out TV which went yesterday for coke. I came home from work and it was gone!
He has spent all our savings, I treaten to leave almost daily but he just laughs at me, when I get mad he gets so sorry. He says he is depressed, feels so guilty, life is so tough for him, blah blah! I say ok lets get through this stop, get a job, be normal, but sure enough it doesnt happen and he's back phoning the dealers when I go to bed and when I am at work. I do love him and he says he loves and needs me but I am at the end of the road with him. I have worked every day while he's sat at home feeling sorry for himself and getting high. He gave me a bag tonight with $100 worth and I flushed it in front of him, he says thats it, but has asked me at least 3 times did I really flush it! Then he tells me he owes the dealer even more money, which we dont have, so out of my wages on Friday I have to hand over half of it to a dealer! My family and friends know nothing about this, I have no one to talk to. We moved away 2 years ago because of the coke, he then got into meth and we moved again, now its back to coke! We cant keep moving, he seeks out drugs wherever he goes. He has also runied birthdays, anniversaries and Xmas for me because he is so selfish!
We live in Canada and are from the UK, I just want to go home, I think I should just leave him here, but what would become of him then? I worry he will kill himself.
I hate my life and sometimes wish I had never met him. When he is normal he is the best man in the world, loving and kind, but when he is high he is horrible.
We are also trying for kids and I had a miscarriage just 3 months ago, even with a baby on the way he had no motivation to get a job.
We have borrowed money from all our family and now his brother wont speak to him because he owes him so much.
I dont know what to do anymore.
He has spent all our savings, I treaten to leave almost daily but he just laughs at me, when I get mad he gets so sorry. He says he is depressed, feels so guilty, life is so tough for him, blah blah! I say ok lets get through this stop, get a job, be normal, but sure enough it doesnt happen and he's back phoning the dealers when I go to bed and when I am at work. I do love him and he says he loves and needs me but I am at the end of the road with him. I have worked every day while he's sat at home feeling sorry for himself and getting high. He gave me a bag tonight with $100 worth and I flushed it in front of him, he says thats it, but has asked me at least 3 times did I really flush it! Then he tells me he owes the dealer even more money, which we dont have, so out of my wages on Friday I have to hand over half of it to a dealer! My family and friends know nothing about this, I have no one to talk to. We moved away 2 years ago because of the coke, he then got into meth and we moved again, now its back to coke! We cant keep moving, he seeks out drugs wherever he goes. He has also runied birthdays, anniversaries and Xmas for me because he is so selfish!
We live in Canada and are from the UK, I just want to go home, I think I should just leave him here, but what would become of him then? I worry he will kill himself.
I hate my life and sometimes wish I had never met him. When he is normal he is the best man in the world, loving and kind, but when he is high he is horrible.
We are also trying for kids and I had a miscarriage just 3 months ago, even with a baby on the way he had no motivation to get a job.
We have borrowed money from all our family and now his brother wont speak to him because he owes him so much.
I dont know what to do anymore.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((francisc))
First of all Welcome to SR. Second, take a deep breath. We have all been where you are at, some with a spouse, others with their children. Read around the forum a little, read the sticky's up top. Different people, same stories with little variation.
His drug dealer is his problem, I don't think I would be throwing my hard earned money his way, in fact, I think I would start with a plan on how to keep that money and help myself. Sometimes, the more we help them, the worse it gets. We give them a nice cushy pillow to soften their fall, when in fact, it's the fall that helps wake them up sometimes.
Others will be along, I just wanted to let you know you weren't alone out there.
B
First of all Welcome to SR. Second, take a deep breath. We have all been where you are at, some with a spouse, others with their children. Read around the forum a little, read the sticky's up top. Different people, same stories with little variation.
His drug dealer is his problem, I don't think I would be throwing my hard earned money his way, in fact, I think I would start with a plan on how to keep that money and help myself. Sometimes, the more we help them, the worse it gets. We give them a nice cushy pillow to soften their fall, when in fact, it's the fall that helps wake them up sometimes.
Others will be along, I just wanted to let you know you weren't alone out there.
B
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 4
You've taken a very important first step by posting and asking for help, and by realizing and sharing that your situation has become unmanagable. There are lots of people, like me, who have been scared, confused and at our wits' end due to a husband or other loved ones' addiction. We have found comfort and even peace here when we thought it was impossible. For now, just breath, keep telling yourself that you're okay, and keep an open mind as you read the responses that will come along soon. You'll find wonderful advice and friends here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome!
I agree with frankly - his dealer is HIS problem. You will find tremendous support here.
As a recovering crack addict, I can tell you first hand that as long as someone else will deal with his consequences, he really has no reason to want to quit. Every addict has their "bottom" - when the bad outweighs the "good" and they seek recovery.
My XABF is still using...I hear from him when he gets locked up or wants money. I had to hit MY bottom with him and told him that there is no US - I want a life, he wants to get high. I still love him, but I can't be with him.
Keep posting, more wonderfully wise people will be along. In the meantime, like Frankly said, try to put some money aside for you and take care of yourself.
Hugs and prayers to you!
Amy
I agree with frankly - his dealer is HIS problem. You will find tremendous support here.
As a recovering crack addict, I can tell you first hand that as long as someone else will deal with his consequences, he really has no reason to want to quit. Every addict has their "bottom" - when the bad outweighs the "good" and they seek recovery.
My XABF is still using...I hear from him when he gets locked up or wants money. I had to hit MY bottom with him and told him that there is no US - I want a life, he wants to get high. I still love him, but I can't be with him.
Keep posting, more wonderfully wise people will be along. In the meantime, like Frankly said, try to put some money aside for you and take care of yourself.
Hugs and prayers to you!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Francisc,
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Know that you can "love" your husband and refuse to take this kind of abuse from him. And it IS abuse. You pay the bills, you do everything, you even pay his dealers? He doesn't even support himself? I'm unsure what's left for you in a situation like that.
Forgive me for being so forward but.....it's time to stop all of that. You have many choices, and among the first ones I would take would be getting your own bank account, WITHOUT him on it, and start keeping all of your own money. You are not helping him by paying his dealers, allowing him to sell everything you worked hard to buy, and making your life miserable. You are making things worse by allowing all of this. Read the sticky posts at the top of this forum, especially "If you love me, let me fall.".
Other things to work toward: You can demand that he enter an inpatient program to get help, and start working a program -- set a date, and after that date you will leave him to his own fate. You can stop giving him any money of any kind (put it all directly into rent, groceries, etc.....NO cash to him) You can go home and start rebuilding your life fresh, far from the madness of addiction, and send him your love and support from there.
But for now, take a deep breath and think about the kind of life you want to have.
I know it isn't this one. If you can begin to picture a better life for yourself, you can begin walking toward it, one small step at a time. That's how we have all started our recovery from this craziness.
Hugs and strength to you, to do what is right for YOU.
GL
I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation.
Know that you can "love" your husband and refuse to take this kind of abuse from him. And it IS abuse. You pay the bills, you do everything, you even pay his dealers? He doesn't even support himself? I'm unsure what's left for you in a situation like that.
Forgive me for being so forward but.....it's time to stop all of that. You have many choices, and among the first ones I would take would be getting your own bank account, WITHOUT him on it, and start keeping all of your own money. You are not helping him by paying his dealers, allowing him to sell everything you worked hard to buy, and making your life miserable. You are making things worse by allowing all of this. Read the sticky posts at the top of this forum, especially "If you love me, let me fall.".
Other things to work toward: You can demand that he enter an inpatient program to get help, and start working a program -- set a date, and after that date you will leave him to his own fate. You can stop giving him any money of any kind (put it all directly into rent, groceries, etc.....NO cash to him) You can go home and start rebuilding your life fresh, far from the madness of addiction, and send him your love and support from there.
But for now, take a deep breath and think about the kind of life you want to have.
I know it isn't this one. If you can begin to picture a better life for yourself, you can begin walking toward it, one small step at a time. That's how we have all started our recovery from this craziness.
Hugs and strength to you, to do what is right for YOU.
GL
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
Hi and welcome,
my addict is my son,
Addiction is a one man show and we are the audience.
Unfortunately if we continue to give everything to them we are hindering thier recovery. Why should they go into recovery if all is well with the world, they have a roof over thier head, food on the table, bills are being paid. unfortunatley its being paid by us. So advice here is to stop giving him money, set the date for recovery and set the date for the consequences of not going into recovery and the most important thing of all stick to it,
good luck and prayers
my addict is my son,
Addiction is a one man show and we are the audience.
Unfortunately if we continue to give everything to them we are hindering thier recovery. Why should they go into recovery if all is well with the world, they have a roof over thier head, food on the table, bills are being paid. unfortunatley its being paid by us. So advice here is to stop giving him money, set the date for recovery and set the date for the consequences of not going into recovery and the most important thing of all stick to it,
good luck and prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Francisc,
I wanted to add too --- read around here and see the experiences of other women who have brought children into relationships with addicts. Strongly consider whether you want to bring a child into this kind of hellish life. I grew up with addiction and it took nearly 40 years to become a person who even remotely approached normal, because of the trauma. Your husband's addiction is progressive - don't be fooled into thinking this is as bad as it gets.
Take care of yourself. Take small steps toward health and safety for yourself.
I wanted to add too --- read around here and see the experiences of other women who have brought children into relationships with addicts. Strongly consider whether you want to bring a child into this kind of hellish life. I grew up with addiction and it took nearly 40 years to become a person who even remotely approached normal, because of the trauma. Your husband's addiction is progressive - don't be fooled into thinking this is as bad as it gets.
Take care of yourself. Take small steps toward health and safety for yourself.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome to our world, one of dis-appointment, stress and un-happiness.
Unfortunately, nothing will change until you take control, of you. Until you set your bounderies and stick to them. You can only control one persons actions, yours.
The longer you keep paying his dealers off, the worse it will get. This is his problem, his alone to resolve. Enabling his addiction is not the answer.
I agree with the others, set up your own accounts, in your name only. Use the money to keep a roof over your head, pay your bills.
He cannot fall to his knees and seek a strong recovery program as long as you continue to enable him....it just doesn't work that way.
When you threaten to leave and don't you give him all the power, he knows you are just making idle threats.
You hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand, he doesn't, never has.
Keep posting, read others posts, we are here for you.
Unfortunately, nothing will change until you take control, of you. Until you set your bounderies and stick to them. You can only control one persons actions, yours.
The longer you keep paying his dealers off, the worse it will get. This is his problem, his alone to resolve. Enabling his addiction is not the answer.
I agree with the others, set up your own accounts, in your name only. Use the money to keep a roof over your head, pay your bills.
He cannot fall to his knees and seek a strong recovery program as long as you continue to enable him....it just doesn't work that way.
When you threaten to leave and don't you give him all the power, he knows you are just making idle threats.
You hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand, he doesn't, never has.
Keep posting, read others posts, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 23
Welcome to SR. My husband was addicted to coke too. The others have given you good advice. Ensure you own financial security. You are the one working. If he wants drugs that bad then he can find a way to finance his usage.
His dealer is his problem. I enabled my husband for so long that I was near bankrupcy and had a debt of over 40k. The day I stopped and I told him I was done with that, he knew I was serious and decided to quit using before he'd lose everything (we have 2 kids). However, each person is different and have their own bottom.
If I was in your shoes I would also stop trying conceiving a child with him if he is using. My daughter suffered to a certain extend because of his dad using ( my son was not born). He would seldomly take care of her, she still deal with the consequence of his rejection even if it was not intentional from his part. How can you expect an addict to take care of someone else, when he can't take care of himself.
You need to put some boundaries in place to protect you. Sending hugs your way.
His dealer is his problem. I enabled my husband for so long that I was near bankrupcy and had a debt of over 40k. The day I stopped and I told him I was done with that, he knew I was serious and decided to quit using before he'd lose everything (we have 2 kids). However, each person is different and have their own bottom.
If I was in your shoes I would also stop trying conceiving a child with him if he is using. My daughter suffered to a certain extend because of his dad using ( my son was not born). He would seldomly take care of her, she still deal with the consequence of his rejection even if it was not intentional from his part. How can you expect an addict to take care of someone else, when he can't take care of himself.
You need to put some boundaries in place to protect you. Sending hugs your way.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((Francisc))))))))
Gosh I sure do feel your pain. When I read that you are handing over half of your paycheck to dealers I had to say something. I would not give no dealer my hard earned pay.
I wouldn't care if my old man said they were threatening him or me. No Homie don't play that one... Why would he even think about quitting if you are going to pay his dealers for him?
My ole man has a coke problem and we have been together almost as long as you and your H have. I tell you his butt would definitely be on the curb if he ever tried to tell me I had to pay his dope debt....He is almost on the curb now if he don't get it together soon. Don't give him any money for his dope pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee....
Gosh I sure do feel your pain. When I read that you are handing over half of your paycheck to dealers I had to say something. I would not give no dealer my hard earned pay.
I wouldn't care if my old man said they were threatening him or me. No Homie don't play that one... Why would he even think about quitting if you are going to pay his dealers for him?
My ole man has a coke problem and we have been together almost as long as you and your H have. I tell you his butt would definitely be on the curb if he ever tried to tell me I had to pay his dope debt....He is almost on the curb now if he don't get it together soon. Don't give him any money for his dope pleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 11
Big hugs
Welcome to SR......the forum you wish you didn't have to visit but are always glad you did.
Coke, too, was my hubby's DOC. I won't rehash my story (you live it) but the thing that worked for us was me changing all access to money from him. He didn't even have a bank card. I tried even just giving him $20 for the week for coffee and stuff at work but he went ahead and got $20 worth of coke.
Hubby has been clean for 3 months now. I still have the only access to all money, including his pay check. Since he was using "our" money, he no longer has access to "our" money. In the last 3 months I've managed to pay off almost all of our debt. I figured that we were broke all the time anyway....might as well get back on our feet.
We have 2 small children....I implore you not to have any children until he's cleaned up his act. Nothing is more sad than a active user not wanting to spend time with his children because he doesn't feel right around them because of the drugs....a catch 22 he created. In the end, he almost lost all of us. I never told my family about our problems either. The day I knew he was on the mend was the day he went to my parents and told them his problem. He knew that I needed the support and he gave himself over to possible rejection by my family in order to help me. He hasn't slipped yet.
Big fat hugs and keep the strength.
Coke, too, was my hubby's DOC. I won't rehash my story (you live it) but the thing that worked for us was me changing all access to money from him. He didn't even have a bank card. I tried even just giving him $20 for the week for coffee and stuff at work but he went ahead and got $20 worth of coke.
Hubby has been clean for 3 months now. I still have the only access to all money, including his pay check. Since he was using "our" money, he no longer has access to "our" money. In the last 3 months I've managed to pay off almost all of our debt. I figured that we were broke all the time anyway....might as well get back on our feet.
We have 2 small children....I implore you not to have any children until he's cleaned up his act. Nothing is more sad than a active user not wanting to spend time with his children because he doesn't feel right around them because of the drugs....a catch 22 he created. In the end, he almost lost all of us. I never told my family about our problems either. The day I knew he was on the mend was the day he went to my parents and told them his problem. He knew that I needed the support and he gave himself over to possible rejection by my family in order to help me. He hasn't slipped yet.
Big fat hugs and keep the strength.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: FLA - TN
Posts: 1
Husband relapsed after 9 years clean
I met my husband nearly 3 years ago and after 2.5 years, we got married. It was the happiest day in my life. After 5 months of marriage, he he was in a minor motorcycle accident and the stupid doctor prescribed him LorTabs. I was so fearful after finding this out. I feard for the worse and the worse came true. On 9/23 he dissappeared for 5 hours on a Cocaine binge and came home that night promissing that he would never do that again. I found myself not trusting him and wanted to call him while he was at work.
This past Wednesday, he did it again! Only this time he was gone for 20 mins. and came home and told me what he did. I did not know what to do, so I grabbed all of the car keys and atm cards and took all of his cash. I went out to the driveway and called his mother (who has been my savior).
After I came back into the house, he said "baby, I am not done, please give me my truck keys". I screamed no, over and over and went back outside and called his mom again. She told me you cannot control him, he will do what he wants to do and will find any way to do it. She said to me, you cannot fix this, it is up to him. Give him his keys and let him go. I came back in the house and did just that. I handed him his truck keys amd watched him peel out of the driveway, while I broke down. My bestfriend came over and tried to take me to dinner, but I had no appetite, so I cam home. My getting thru this will count on me focusing on myself. I got changed for bed, took some Tylenol PM and watched TV. Crawled into bed with my puppies in his spot and fell asleep. He called at 4:17am and asked if he could come home. I said I guess so and he was here in 3 mins. Tuns out he was staying at a hotel on the next street. He came in, said I am sorry and just sat there. He said, I wanted to get my belly full, and it is now full and I am done. I said, that is what you said last time...he said but I mean it this time. Yesterday, he asked me to drive him to an NA meeting, and I did. I sat in the parking lot for the hour and made sure that he came out of the meeting door, and he did. He said he enjoyed it and wanted to go back today...I told him I would drive him again today, and he said great.
Sorry for blabbing, but I needed to get this off my chest. I am trying to focus
on me and at the same time, be there for him when he says he needs me. That is all I can do right now.
Next week, his company is moving us 8 hours away...and I feel that this move will be good. The demons (dealers) will not be in the same locations and maybe, just maybe that will help. Hopeful is my name and that is what I am. Very Hopeful!
This past Wednesday, he did it again! Only this time he was gone for 20 mins. and came home and told me what he did. I did not know what to do, so I grabbed all of the car keys and atm cards and took all of his cash. I went out to the driveway and called his mother (who has been my savior).
After I came back into the house, he said "baby, I am not done, please give me my truck keys". I screamed no, over and over and went back outside and called his mom again. She told me you cannot control him, he will do what he wants to do and will find any way to do it. She said to me, you cannot fix this, it is up to him. Give him his keys and let him go. I came back in the house and did just that. I handed him his truck keys amd watched him peel out of the driveway, while I broke down. My bestfriend came over and tried to take me to dinner, but I had no appetite, so I cam home. My getting thru this will count on me focusing on myself. I got changed for bed, took some Tylenol PM and watched TV. Crawled into bed with my puppies in his spot and fell asleep. He called at 4:17am and asked if he could come home. I said I guess so and he was here in 3 mins. Tuns out he was staying at a hotel on the next street. He came in, said I am sorry and just sat there. He said, I wanted to get my belly full, and it is now full and I am done. I said, that is what you said last time...he said but I mean it this time. Yesterday, he asked me to drive him to an NA meeting, and I did. I sat in the parking lot for the hour and made sure that he came out of the meeting door, and he did. He said he enjoyed it and wanted to go back today...I told him I would drive him again today, and he said great.
Sorry for blabbing, but I needed to get this off my chest. I am trying to focus
on me and at the same time, be there for him when he says he needs me. That is all I can do right now.Next week, his company is moving us 8 hours away...and I feel that this move will be good. The demons (dealers) will not be in the same locations and maybe, just maybe that will help. Hopeful is my name and that is what I am. Very Hopeful!
'Round and 'Round I Go....
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 478
Hi...my exhusband's addiction is crack cocaine.
I was once tricked into paying his dope debt and have been resentful of that day ever since. It happened earlier on in his use and I didn't even know about his addiction at that time of our marriage. I was told, by him and the dealer, that he owed money for poker games that he lost. Never again did this person see a dime out of my own pocket. I don't want you to have to look back and want to kick yourself for paying a debt that you don't owe.
I was once tricked into paying his dope debt and have been resentful of that day ever since. It happened earlier on in his use and I didn't even know about his addiction at that time of our marriage. I was told, by him and the dealer, that he owed money for poker games that he lost. Never again did this person see a dime out of my own pocket. I don't want you to have to look back and want to kick yourself for paying a debt that you don't owe.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Jersey
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Francisc 
I worry he will kill himself.
Whether you leave or stay, he is doing this already...
You have gotten alot of good info and support already...
Please take the time to really read each response... they are given out of care and love... We have all been through very similar situations... the bills, the deceit and lies, the anger and fear...
Most importantly... take good care of you... do what is in the best interest of you and your children... You want a better way of life for them... and by obsessing over your AH and placing all your focus and energy on him, you will wear yourself out emotionally and physically...
Take care...:praying
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