Johnnyboy

I just joined this forum because I feel that I need to talk to someone about my opiate addiction. I haven't even talked to anyone about it. I've talked to friends about using in the past, but never about how much i am using now, or that I am buying so much oxy every couple of days. Actually, in the last few months, I haven't been talking to my friends as much at all. I have been very depressed.

I want to quit, but it feels almost impossible. If I don't use for a day, or so, i can't sleep and my skin crawls. I seriously feel like shooting myself. The worst part is that I feel like I can't interact, or be a good person if I'm not high. I just become an ******* in misery for myself. It's a pathetic state, so I just avoid it more oxy (or any other opiate, doesn't really matter).

just felt like my thoughts should be somewhere besides my head

Johnny

calfritch

hi johnny! well you know you have a problem which is the first step. i am new to this forum as well except my addiction is alcohol. i am finding this forum to be very supportive. do you maybe have a best friend that you trust to talk to? thats what pulled me out of my hell. have you thought about going to NA meetings? i have been sober for 7 days and going to AA helped immensely and immediately. i did go through out patient detox first to help through the withdrawl. i don't know what else i can say except talking does help and realizing you are not alone, that there are many many people in the place as you. anyways those are my thoughts....

Johnnyboy

hi
thanks for responding. I have friends that have been there for me through some very hard times (my mother was a serious alchoholic and was in her trainwreck stage throughout my highschool years and later), but i almost feel like i want to get rid of this without putting it on them. Some of my closest friends have had serious problems of their own.
I know many people would say that i shouldnt be around people with drug habits, but first, they are like my family, and second, their habits (which have gotten much better as of recently, which i am happy about. One quit all together and the other is doing it only once every other week, or so, which is almost kinda normal around here ((sounds bad, i know)) ) do not really coincide, or enable my own. I occasionally use coke, but really do not feel like doing it again for a very long time once the night is done. I ALWAYS regret it, unless i can just do one line and be done with it.
I really can't tell my family. With all we went through with my mom i dopn't think theat i could handle it. My Dad would have no idea what to do with me. He really has no experience with drugs. My mom would think she knew everything to do and I dont exactly agree with her "disease" perspective.

I'm in over my head here. I messed up. I was skating the edge for years with all sort of things and now i fell in. I've had problems with depression all my life, but have been able to deal with it on my own, but nhow i hope this wont amplify it to a point where i hurt myself.

wiscgirl30

Sounds like you are going through a rough time....
Glad you are here....

Anna

Hi Johnny,

Welcome!

It is interesting that you mention you had trouble with depression all your life. I did too, from early teen age years. Could it be you are self-medicating to deal with the depression? That is what I did and I ended up drinking and that became a huge problem. I hope you talk to your dr about the depression because meds can make a big difference. Also be honest with your dr and get his advice on what to do to get off the drugs.

There is lots of support here, so keep posting.

livenletlive

Welcome to the forum. You are in the right place. I too thought I was unable to interact with others unless I was high, but found this to be the complete opposite. With time and devotion to keeping clean, you will first arrest your active drug use/abuse and later find you are at your best when clean, and the best part is, you will start liking the person you are when clean. Just keep reading and posting on this forum. All the best to you.

calfritch

i didn't want to involve my family either. my father is an alcoholic, but my mom had to deal with that more than i did growing up. so i didnt think my mom would be able to handle that i was actually an alcoholic and on the verge of having it end my life. but my friend that helped me called her and she had a few days to process it before i had to confront her and she has been my biggest supporter going through this. im not saying that this would be the same with you but thats my situation. just try to be strong, go to some meetings and keep talking to people on here. just talking about it is a big step for you so just keep at it and maybe try to hit a meeting or two and also like the person above said, talk to your doctor. just stay on here and try to be strong. all the best....

Johnnyboy

I am self medicating, that's something that I have always known. In one capacity , or another, I think that is what it is always about. I pop pills throughout the day, trying to stay level. Thats not the way I have always used certain substances, but with pills (benzos. opiates, anti-depressants, whatever) that is often the case. There is also the partying drinking getting high type of using, but it's just not the same thing. If i could just use in the partying situation, I wouldn't be so deep in it.

This has happened with benzos too, but I was forced to stop using those when my source disappeared. Thats how it has always ended before. I have even used oxy for a few months and then had to stop. Not totally I guess, but i just couldnt get them. I wish i couldnt right now, but, when you can, sometimes you don't even think, or worry and you just get some more. It seems better than the alternative. It should be the easiest thing..

indigo

Welcome Johnny, have you got a sympathetic doctor you could talk things out with?
I hope you find your way soon. It's obvious that you are aware that you need help and that can only be a good thing.

PaperDolls

I'm sorry for your struggles right now but you've taken a great first step and you're in the right place.

I think you should find a good doctor and be completely honest with him. It can be scary at first but once you do it.....you'll feel a little bit more free.

(((Johnny)))

Rowan

Hi Johnny,

I just wanted to throw in my support, also. I'm a recovering alkie, benzo addict, and I've got a history of major depression. You mentioned that one of your friends stopped using, and another cut way back on his usage - would you feel comfortable talking to one of them about your struggles?
It makes sense to me that you're going through this - what you went through with your mom would have been traumatic. I hope you continue to reach out for help.

mike_mass

Welcome!

Jerzy007

Oh Johnyboy, "easy" (from the movie Gotti)...I know exactly how you feel, been a heroin addict for the last 5 years and know what you mean by not being comfortably social around people unless under the influence. I'm clean today and do notice how different interacting or "not interacting"with others is but as long as i dont have the extra baggage that comes with an opiate habit i have a chance to change the way i think, act, and feel. I go to NA and AA and cant wait to get benefits to speak with psych doctors about my issues and continue working on getting better. The cycle of addiction leaves no room for growth and although it is comfortable it is not fulfilling.

Missymae737

Hi Johnny,

Welcome to SR...

I had a love affair with opiates for three years..I had an ongoing script for two hundred eighty percs a month...That STILL wasn't enough to satisfy my cravings...It took me about six months to feel normal again when I stopped using them.

Keep posting, so glad you found us...

Tazman53

Hey Johnnyboy, I am an alcoholic so I have no real experience with opiates except what they had me on in detox.

What I can share which I know would help is to go to an NA meeting and talk to folks who have been where you are at now, me being an alcoholic I can tell you that going to AA with rooms full of sober alcoholics helps me immensely in staying sober and also becoming a better happier person. You mentioned a friend that was clean, talk to them, find out how they quit.

See a doctor if you can.

AA works because it is one alcoholic helping another alcoholic, there is no reason why NA should not work the same way, one user helping another.

Hang around and keep us posted.

Johnnyboy

my friend that is totally off drugs did not really have a choice. He's currently in a halfway house sort of thing, or work release house, whatever you want to call it. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel good about not drinking or gettin' blown out all weekend (and a weekday , or two), but he wasn't self medicating like me. He rarely talked about needing to quit and that was usually when he was high (typical). I have a lot of friends that are well aquainted with addiction, but it is just important for me to uphold a certain image of strength and control.

I know it is really a simple thing to quit. It is a choice and it just takes strength and patience. I don't believe that addiction is a disease. I guess it really depends on what you mean by disease, but as far as a real, scientific disease, I think that's a bunch of BS. When my mom was "sick" (as my Dad used to refer to it. I used the term "all **** up") people tried to explain how she had a disease and she just couldnt stop. I knew quite a bit about addiction and alchohol , even at 15, and I knew that was a cop out. It is nice to think that it is out of your control and that you aren't responsible. It is a way to get rid of some of the guilt that I know some people feel, but it is a choice.

My mom made the choice over and over again to start drinking after being sober for barely any time at all. In and out of inpatient over and over again. Not only screwing her life, but my father's. The man was turning 50 and his wife was passing out on the floor for his son to drag her up the stairs to bed. He actually started on anti-depressants at one time. For my father to start taking pills, he would have to be very depressed, although he never put it on me. I wasn't really affected, other than I felt bad for my father. I felt bad for my mother too, but her dramatic calls for attention seemed pathetic to me. I think that putting my addiction on others would make it worse. I dont even know if i want help. i feel like just pushing it over the edge sometimes

Johnnyboy

I think I am losing it. I am getting panic attacks. If i am dont use for a while i caqn get triggered into a panic attack. Its wierd, like when there is something i am trying to remember, but i just can't and I know that there is no way anyone can tell me and i can never remember, or find out what i am trying to remember, that is the sort of thing triggering it. It's like a mental dead end that makes me lose my mind.
I've had night terrors before and it feels the same. In the dreams it was always just a feeling, one that could only be described as a horrible dread. The feeling like i am dead, or i am crushed under a huge weight and there is no hope. Everything is over and there is no hope. It is the most horrible feeling ever. When i wake up, I can't shake it. i feel like i have to do something to save someone, or many people (it is a feeling not a concrete thought), or that I have done something terrible. I feel like I am dead.

CarolD

Hi Johnny....

It's so very hard to choose to be clean and sober
when you are in the grip of addiction.

As you mentioned...your mind thinks only dark and
dismal thoughts. Or at least ...I did.

Depression is why I began AA recovery.
I found it's immensley helpful to find others
who shared the same feeling and have moved on.

Have you considered an honest talk
with an addiction specialist?
You may need a medical supervised de tox.

I am sorry you are feeling so down
There can be healing for you too.

chicago

hey Johnny. I can indentify with what you're going through. First off, I am located in Chicago myself. Secondly, I had a crippling opiate addiction. Primarily I was decapitated by herion, but I was severely addicted to all forms of opiates (oxys, benzos, etc). Anyways through this program I've gotten my life back. There is a solution, no matter how hopeless you feel. I would be more than happy to go to a meeting with you (PM me if you want) but the first step is detoxing. Let me know if you want help. If you can't go on this way, we can show you how to change you're life.

Johnnyboy

Thank you for your support, but I am not one to go to the meetings. Atleast not right now. I wish I could just go somewhere for few months, like those celebrities do. Just go on vacation and forget about everything. Go through withdrawals on a beach in Fiji, or something.