sad and in love

Hi everyone....

I first joined this group in February of this year because my now ex A boyfriend had went to rehab and I couldn't deal with it on my own. As you can tell from my other posts, he cheated on me in rehab, and to this day is still with that filthy woman, in a house that was supposed to be OURS. Well, I have been single and rid of him for almost 8 months now, but I am wondering, does anybody else have any problems moving on after being in a relationship with an A? I am completely over him, as in I have hated him for so long for things he has done to me, I wouldn't date him again for a billion dollars, but I feel like I am scarred for life and too scared to move on to other men. My ex was very physically and verbally abusive, and I was very hesitant to talk about that before, but now I am finally able to speak to my close friends about it, and they are trying to help me get over it. I had to move out of a lovely apartment and back into my parents' house because I was having nightmares and getting threatening phone calls after we broke up. I feel like everytime I meet someone who is interested in me, they will turn out the way he did, even though in the back of my mind I know that that may not be true at all. I am in physiotherapy 4x per week because he tried to break my arm and ended up damaging a nerve, over a year ago, and every single day I have to face the pain. I can't sleep through the night it gets so bad sometimes, and I just dont know what to do..........I feel like I am so alone in the world, and that I am being limited in my life because of the pain and fear I feel each day..........I wish there was something I could do to free my mind of this terrible person, so that I can move on in that area.......I am in my last year of completing two separate degrees, and have had a secure career for the past several months (still keeping a job i have had for 7 years, but branching out to take a wonderful opportunity that arose this summer) I am only 23 years old and would like to know how other people deal with moving on from an abusive relationship......

tollbooth

I am almost twice as old as you and still have not been able to emotionally move on from an abusive relationship with an A. And I'm male! Imagine how that makes a guy feel inside.

"So, why'd you and your last girlfriend break up?"

"Um, she was violent when drunk and skeered me alot."

"Okay, well, gotta go now, take care........."

hadenoughnow

Are you in counseling? Post traumatic stress disorder is common in people who have experienced abuse.

hbb

I'm so sorry your hurting (((Sad)))...i personally can't speak from an abusive relationship per say but my exabf cheated on me with his exgf and left me. It's been a few months now and i'm still finding it difficult to move on. I think it just takes time, there's no quick way but to go through the different emotions.

I saw my therapist and i came to a conclusion yesterday and only this week have i decided to forgive my exabf IN MY HEAD ONLY for what he did by cheating and lying to me. He will NEVER know this information but for me to be able to move on and be able to trust again i had to come to the conclusion that he is very sick, makes bad choices and i've finally relieved myself of the feelings that i could have done/been better to him, i couldn't. He chooses to remain an a$$ and it's no longer my issue. I know in my heart (or trying to know) that i didn't cause any of his ways.

I think moving on is the hardest thing ever to do, there is no simple answer but time. I often wonder how to trust again but i know for me, i will allow it to happen because i know in my heart that everyone is not the same and some treat others badly and the "good ones" won't. Keep posting, others will be along soon to give you some great advice

Barbara52

No, you are not over him with those strong emotions going on. From the little you said, its not surprising with the abuse that went on. Give youself time and seek therapy if you need to. You can and will heal with time and work on yourself. But that level of anger can be harmful, even if justified.

ICU

I'm sorry for all the pain that you have gone through sad and in love. There are some similarities in our stories...the abuse, another woman, alcohol, etc.

Briefly (by my standards anyway, LOL), I had to figure out why I accepted so much unacceptable behavior from my ex. The key for me was going back to my childhood for that is where I learned my tolerance for abuse and unhealthy relationships. That is not an excuse I use, but rather. a statement of fact, and a major contributing factor if you will.

Resources I used to get through the above was initially Alanon, although I moved from that into counseling, DV support group, Codependency books by Melody Beattie, and, SR!

I shifted the focus from 'what he did to me, to us' to 'what can I learn from the past to guarantee that I will NEVER, EVER accept the unacceptable again from any kind of relationship, whether romantic or platonic'.

I then learned that the greatest love of all is to learn to love myself. I'm currently learning how to treat myself gently, take better care of myself, and, to even forgive myself and I am now learning how to forgive others. What a gift this forgiveness thing is. I haven't forgiven everyone, or myself completely yet, but I am well on my way there.

All of this had led to the beginning of me 'trusting myself, my choices, my decisions'. Currently, I'm not even looking for a romantic relationship right now....I'm enjoying my new life much too much...I'm a little greedy...I want it all to myself for right now.

It takes time to move on. 8 months is not so very long. Eight months after I split with my ex I was still in a great deal of pain and unaware of the things I had mentioned above. Over 2 years later, I still have some nightmares, things that trigger the 'fear response', etc., but it has dramatically lessened over time.

The fear may or may not go away completely. I think some things can 'trigger' us for the rest of our lives. But, it's the coping skills, the dialogue one must have with themselves, and utilizing resources that are available to us that get us through and help us deal with it.

Keep reaching out and learning about yourself and make your life the best that you can! It's hard work, but sooooo worth it!

So much for my 'briefly' statement, huh, LOL!!

Keep coming back.

mallowcup

I think your power will come from the way you deal with threats. When someone intimidates us and actually puts their hands on us in a harmful way, we have to have them arrested. It seems like it's just something we want to put behind us, we get on with our life. There is a time to walk away and there is a time to rise up like a warrior. You have been conditioned over time to dull your self preserving instincts. He has the power, he threatens and he backs it up.
Assault is a crime.

guyinNC

You are normal. A normal person feels bad for a period of time when they are abused by someone they love and who they thought loved them. In time, you will be fine! Get involved with your church, or some charitys. Get out and meet some new friends.

Your world is going to be beautiful again. Your future is bright and you will be happy!

Just thank your lucky stars you are away from this drunk abusive loser!!!

sad and in love

wow, thanks for all of the quick, positive responses! when i said i am over him, i meant that i no longer have feelings for him, like romantically. i know alot of people who have been in these types of relationships who say oh he hurt me, but i still love him. in my case, it's "he hurt me, and now i'm just plain scared of him, and of anything in the future" i'm not looking for a new relationship right now, but i would like to be able to go out be able to trust people again....it's just so hard. and little things trigger it. for example, in the summer a friend had a get together because one of our friends moved away, and one of the guys that came brought a bottle of a specific kind of alcohol that happened to be the kind that my ex downed one of the nights he hurt me. just the sight of the bottle, i went into almost a panic attack....it had nothing to do with the person drinking it, he was being respectful and having fun with our friends, but just things like that give me flashbacks and it hurts...i have been taking some major steps into becoming more independent, i used to work with my ex's sister, for years, and when we broke up, she took his side, and was saying oh he would never do this and this, even tho she had seen me with many bruises. i quit that job, removed myself from the constant reminder of him, and i am now working in a town about 20 minutes away, slowly making new friends and trying to start my life over..............
it's just so hard to get the things he said and did out of my head........i'm only 23 and yet i feel like i'm 40 with the weight of everything on me. i feel like nobody will want me in the future because i'm "tainted" or "damaged goods"......i guess it'll just be a long process of recovery for myself.....
i am thankful to be alive, and that i am no longer subject to his abuse. he is currently living with the A that he met in rehab, and has lost all of his friends, and is very close to losing his job. i am happy that i do not have to be there to deal with it. he is still drinking fulltime but since i have moved and changed numbers, i have been blessed not to be found by him, or hear from him.

sad and in love

I hear you, tollbooth.....I'm sorry to hear you had to deal with it too, but thankfully we are both free now! I know a couple of guys who have dated girls with this problem, and I completely understand what you went through........from personal experience and hearing from others......... I used to be too scared to tell anyone why we broke up, but now I tell them because alot of people know him, and I dont want him to be able to hurt any other girl ever again. It wasn't even just me that he hurt, it was usually about me, but he had such anger issues that he his along with his drinking and other issues, until we got more serious and then he decided to spring it on me. I'm embarrassed I stayed with him, out of fear, and am now dealing with the emotional consequences. I've always been a really strong person, and I devote my life to helping people, but I wish for once I could help myself. I think I did the day I left him.........

CBrown

Sad, I never suffered from the abuse that you did, and it was STILL emotionally devastating. It is no wonder you get panic attacks! I broke up with my XABF in Feb. 2005. Actually he just disappeared. I was so wounded I couldn't even think of being with a man in '05 or '06. I had no answers for the things he said and did, and then abandoned me. I got my answers in Dec. '06 when I discovered he was an alcoholic and drinking himself to death. That got me reinvolved with him in an attempt to get him help, and wouldn't you know I got sucked into lies again. Finally this past August I got most of the answers I needed about his past - the lies, deceptions, manipulations with many women - so that I knew what the story really was.

To answer your question ... yes I am damaged from it all. I would LOVE to have male friends, but I cannot fathom having a mentally intimate relationship with a man. OMG, the trust it requires!!! After you have been involved with a person who has lied about 100% of the things he told you, you learn quickly that there is nobody you can rely on.

I know a lot of times people tell you you're supposed to be serene, calm, recoverying. Well, I know personally there are times when I really have to let it all out. Yell, scream, bawl, go crazy with friends, ride my crazy mare really fast, stuff like that. I simply need a release and it's better than going physically after the X-schmuck. I'm telling you, you need to get this all out somehow, or it's going to haunt you long-term.

Good news is that you have friends who understand on here!

cagefree

I've had some people in my life tell me to just accept it, stop thinking about it, and even asked when I would stop this "phase" of SobertRecovery. Ha - right!

Grief and trust are big words in my life these days. I recently unloaded a huge "grief file" (as my therapist calls it) that had become too full. Trust is huge. I have a tough time being around men who are drinking - period.

But

I have also been doing lots of work on myself. I don't mean to say that I'm broken or trying to be nicer or anything like that.

I am hard on myself and have tendencies to invalidate core beliefs and instincts that people without my problems do not have. The results of these actions is that I give copious amount of trust to people who do not deserve trust and I wind up getting hurt.

Boundaries protect me and I perceive my life as "safe" when I use them and abide by them. I had to work to learn this and am still a work in progress.

I have been making progress by doing this work with my counselor and have been seeing wonderful if not miraculous changes in my life. New colours seem to display themselves in places I thought were grey and I am discovering just how powerful and wonderful I am.

Overcoming and accepting what has happened = It's tough, it's normal, it's do-able.

Someone once told me indifference is the opposite of love, not hate. I'm getting there as we all are, slowly, surely and hard work pays off!

Take care of you

Buffalo66

HI, I was abused physically, but mostly emotionally, and psychologically by my ExA.

I have had, and sometimes still do have a hard time moving on.
I cant really even fathom being with a man. The idea of being intimate with a man or, just doing things for "fun" is lost on me. I get sick in my stomach, feel scared if I even think about it. It has been diagnosed as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I have a career that puts me into social situations alot. I have been having very loud voices telling me things in my head when I meet someone who is nice to me, or even seems like they may remotely find me attractive. The "tainted" and "damaged goods" phrase comes up. I am 38 years old. I am definitely damaged, because some very nice men being attracted to me scares the **** OUT OF ME.

You are not alone. Healing will take a while. You are resilient and you will renew and reinvent your self and your safety. This is what I have been working on.B66

LaTeeDa

I've learned there is only one person I can truly rely on--myself.

L

sad and in love

I wish I could be in counselling for this, but am going to school for 2 degrees, mental health and psychology. I am afraid if I seek professional guidance it will somehow effect my future careers in that field......I feel like I have to do this on my own because one day I will be the one sitting on the other side of the office/desk, helping others with THEIR problems...........I'm in my last year of both programs and that just adds to my stress!!

sad and in love

Has anyone else had friends who have told them to "get over it" or "move on". I keep hearing that from friends and coworkers and nobody seems to understand that you can't just forget about abuse.....

CBrown

Sure. Even once in a while you'll see a post that says "it's over, get over it, move on." If only it were that easy! If you said that to a grieving family at a funeral home, the people there would never speak to you again.

I just got done reading "How to Break your Addiction to a Person." I'd recommend it to all on here! He recommends really digging deep to find out why you are addicted to a person, which is usually Attachment Hunger from childhood. Then he gives really good tips on how to break that addiction. It's not an overnight process, though. It takes a while. Where it gets to be a problem is when many months or years after the break you are still dwelling on the broken relationship.

And that's not even accounting for abuse! Sometimes to help me let go of it all I really have to keep telling myself that R is insane, or may well be a psychopath. That kind of releases me from a lot of the "but WHY?" thoughts.

Many people who have not been through abuse (whether it is verbal or physical) cannot relate. That's why you have us on here to sound off to! Yes, they will expect you to get over it in a weekend. It's NOT that easy, I'll agree!

denny57

It is a common response from people who haven't been through abuse. I think it sets up a terrible cycle - I then beat myself up for not being able to get over it, etc.

I believe my therapist sees a therapist.

Thentram

I would think, having been through the same issues as the person on the other side of the desk, would make you even more qualified to help them with their problems. Would you advise them against seeking your professional guidance because you did not seek and it worked for you?

BayouSelf

I clearly understand your pain and I am two years out of an abusive relationship with my exAH and I still have trouble imagining myself in a relationship, but one thing that I feel has helped me and will continue to help me is going to my Alanon meetings. I feel that when I work the program and attend the meetings and listening to other people share, it not only helps me to heal, but it teaches me a new and healthier way to live. I feel that the healthier I am, that I will attract healthier people in my life, which includes people I may choose to date. I've been out on a few dates and since I've been in Alanon, it doesn't take very long for me to spot those red flags that I never saw before or should I say "chose not to see before". I have since realized that I have choices now about the people I date and if I see something I don't like, I have the choice early on to get out of that relationship. I feel very comfortable now in the dating world because of these choices and because my self-esteem is a lot higher than it was when I was dating and/or marrying unhealthy men. I still have my bad days two years later, but the good days outweigh the bad ones now. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers and things will get better for you. It just takes time.