What is he doing at an AA meeting?
Jeff070204
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Sacramento
Posts: 39
What is he doing at an AA meeting?
A little over three years ago I was in a rehab facility. I got to know the guy who had the bunk across from me in the barracks we stayed in. He seemed to be about the healthiest guy there. He was exceedingly friendly and gracious, wrapped a little too tight, maybe, but certainly nice enough. I kind of wondered what he was doing there.
I didn't see much of him after we got out of rehab, even though we live in the same neighborhood. I figured he probably wasn't going to stay sober. But I would see him from time to time, and we never discussed sobriety -- just how each other's kids were, stuff like that.
I ran into him a couple of weeks ago at a local club. I had gone there to see my favorite rock band, and there he was, too. He looked GREAT -- better than me, even. He was also drinking a beer.
"Don't tell anyone," he said. Um, sure.
This past weekend he showed up at one of my regular meetings. He announced that he had three days. You could have fooled me. Three days of what? The guy looked like he could have walked into a job interview right then and nailed it. He came up to me after the meeting and was as buoyant and gracious as ever. This is three years out of rehab, and he'd been drinking to one degree or another the whole time. I started drinking after I got out of rehab the first time, and I was almost dead after four months.
I couldn't help thinking, what the hell was he doing there? Kind of like what I thought when I first met the guy while in rehab.
I see so many of these people in meetings who quite clearly can take it or leave it as they see fit. It baffles me what such a person could possibly get out of any 12-step program.
I didn't see much of him after we got out of rehab, even though we live in the same neighborhood. I figured he probably wasn't going to stay sober. But I would see him from time to time, and we never discussed sobriety -- just how each other's kids were, stuff like that.
I ran into him a couple of weeks ago at a local club. I had gone there to see my favorite rock band, and there he was, too. He looked GREAT -- better than me, even. He was also drinking a beer.
"Don't tell anyone," he said. Um, sure.
This past weekend he showed up at one of my regular meetings. He announced that he had three days. You could have fooled me. Three days of what? The guy looked like he could have walked into a job interview right then and nailed it. He came up to me after the meeting and was as buoyant and gracious as ever. This is three years out of rehab, and he'd been drinking to one degree or another the whole time. I started drinking after I got out of rehab the first time, and I was almost dead after four months.
I couldn't help thinking, what the hell was he doing there? Kind of like what I thought when I first met the guy while in rehab.
I see so many of these people in meetings who quite clearly can take it or leave it as they see fit. It baffles me what such a person could possibly get out of any 12-step program.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Hardly anyone knew that I was a full on meth addict who was 2 seconds from suicide.
I also still had a car, a place to live, a bank account, clothes in my closet, rings on my finger, didn't make me any less of an addict or any less closer to suicide. Judging a person like you do a book's cover is pointless and not fair to them. Better to worry about yourself.
I also still had a car, a place to live, a bank account, clothes in my closet, rings on my finger, didn't make me any less of an addict or any less closer to suicide. Judging a person like you do a book's cover is pointless and not fair to them. Better to worry about yourself.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Addictions don't care who you are, how well you are dressed or how much money you have. Addictions go after all of us in one form or another.
Rather then ...why is he here?
How about... I sure am grateful that if he feels he has a problem that he is here, rather then heading towards the streets one day.
Rather then ...why is he here?
How about... I sure am grateful that if he feels he has a problem that he is here, rather then heading towards the streets one day.
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Jeff, I know where you are coming from. It's very easy to look at others and gauge yourself against them. Not healthy, but easy to do. Why don't you ask him to share his story with you? Maybe when he shares at meetings you'll get a better understanding of his struggle. Just cause he looks like he's got it together, doesn't mean he's not falling apart in private.
Karen
Karen
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by merlotmamma 
It's very easy to look at others and gauge yourself against them. Not healthy, but easy to do.
Good insight
.
Another Day in Paradise
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 900
I too know folks in the rooms of AA who seem (take note) SEEM to be able to "take it or leave it." There is one lady who identifies as "not an alcoholic" but her husband is a good friend of mine in AA with 33 years sobriety and Jenny likes the message of AA and as long as she doesn't detract from time available for alcoholics to share, we have always welcomed her in OPEN meetings.
That said, I have a few years of sobriety and have been asked on occasion why I am there since my life is "obviously so good and together". Things always look different to those on the outside; I use AA to keep me sober, sane and most importantly balanced.
Who knows if your friend can really take it or leave it except him? If he is winking at you and saying "don't tell anyone" while quaffing a beer, then I am guessing he at least is a sneak and less than honest with others. In my book that isn't a balanced and quality individual. Does he need AA? That is his business, don't get caught up in "wanting what your friend has" when you don't know what he has. I would suggest that you keep up the good work on your continued sobriety and if this fellow goes on to become the king of sobriety be happy for him and continue to live a life that makes you and those around you happy.
Best wishes,
Jon
That said, I have a few years of sobriety and have been asked on occasion why I am there since my life is "obviously so good and together". Things always look different to those on the outside; I use AA to keep me sober, sane and most importantly balanced.
Who knows if your friend can really take it or leave it except him? If he is winking at you and saying "don't tell anyone" while quaffing a beer, then I am guessing he at least is a sneak and less than honest with others. In my book that isn't a balanced and quality individual. Does he need AA? That is his business, don't get caught up in "wanting what your friend has" when you don't know what he has. I would suggest that you keep up the good work on your continued sobriety and if this fellow goes on to become the king of sobriety be happy for him and continue to live a life that makes you and those around you happy.
Best wishes,
Jon
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Jeff070204
A little over three years ago I was in a rehab facility. I got to know the guy who had the bunk across from me in the barracks we stayed in. He seemed to be about the healthiest guy there. He was exceedingly friendly and gracious, wrapped a little too tight, maybe, but certainly nice enough. I kind of wondered what he was doing there.
I didn't see much of him after we got out of rehab, even though we live in the same neighborhood. I figured he probably wasn't going to stay sober. But I would see him from time to time, and we never discussed sobriety -- just how each other's kids were, stuff like that.
I ran into him a couple of weeks ago at a local club. I had gone there to see my favorite rock band, and there he was, too. He looked GREAT -- better than me, even. He was also drinking a beer.
"Don't tell anyone," he said. Um, sure.
This past weekend he showed up at one of my regular meetings. He announced that he had three days. You could have fooled me. Three days of what? The guy looked like he could have walked into a job interview right then and nailed it. He came up to me after the meeting and was as buoyant and gracious as ever. This is three years out of rehab, and he'd been drinking to one degree or another the whole time. I started drinking after I got out of rehab the first time, and I was almost dead after four months.
I couldn't help thinking, what the hell was he doing there? Kind of like what I thought when I first met the guy while in rehab.
I see so many of these people in meetings who quite clearly can take it or leave it as they see fit. It baffles me what such a person could possibly get out of any 12-step program.
I didn't see much of him after we got out of rehab, even though we live in the same neighborhood. I figured he probably wasn't going to stay sober. But I would see him from time to time, and we never discussed sobriety -- just how each other's kids were, stuff like that.
I ran into him a couple of weeks ago at a local club. I had gone there to see my favorite rock band, and there he was, too. He looked GREAT -- better than me, even. He was also drinking a beer.
"Don't tell anyone," he said. Um, sure.
This past weekend he showed up at one of my regular meetings. He announced that he had three days. You could have fooled me. Three days of what? The guy looked like he could have walked into a job interview right then and nailed it. He came up to me after the meeting and was as buoyant and gracious as ever. This is three years out of rehab, and he'd been drinking to one degree or another the whole time. I started drinking after I got out of rehab the first time, and I was almost dead after four months.
I couldn't help thinking, what the hell was he doing there? Kind of like what I thought when I first met the guy while in rehab.
I see so many of these people in meetings who quite clearly can take it or leave it as they see fit. It baffles me what such a person could possibly get out of any 12-step program.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Recovery
Posts: 3,229
I looked like I had it all together for a long time. No one knew that underneath that exterior, I had a really bad problem.
Each person knows within their own self whether they have a problem or not.
Each person knows within their own self whether they have a problem or not.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
As an ex-bartender in recovery - I relate to your post because there's several whom I served who claim years and years of sobriety - and I served them as recently as ... well, the last summer I worked. (of '06 now)
I had to come to terms with myself on that right away, or it was going to be a problem that would hinder me in my own recovery.
I am there .. for *my* recovery.
Everything else - is secondary to that one truth.
hope that helps. There's some great advice on here.
I had to come to terms with myself on that right away, or it was going to be a problem that would hinder me in my own recovery.
I am there .. for *my* recovery.
Everything else - is secondary to that one truth.
hope that helps. There's some great advice on here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I'm not a chornic relapser...that I'm greatful for.
However, I did live with one for years. it's about as close to that type
of insanity as I wanna get. I can't imagine what gose on in her head
or how she truly feels inside. heck, I sleep in the same bed with the
person for years and I still can't figure it out. I don't really know
what's it's like to wear her shoes.
I do know that it dystroys her. I know she suffers much on the inside.
there' plenty for me to be gratful for. For the grace of god there go I.
I'm just another recoverying alki being blessed with another clean and
sober day.
However, I did live with one for years. it's about as close to that type
of insanity as I wanna get. I can't imagine what gose on in her head
or how she truly feels inside. heck, I sleep in the same bed with the
person for years and I still can't figure it out. I don't really know
what's it's like to wear her shoes.
I do know that it dystroys her. I know she suffers much on the inside.
there' plenty for me to be gratful for. For the grace of god there go I.
I'm just another recoverying alki being blessed with another clean and
sober day.
1 bite&all resistance crumbles
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: IRELAND
Posts: 2,208
If he keeps going back...and he's counting sober days ... and he was in rehab...trust me he is an alcoholic...it's not about how much you drink OR what it does to you on the outside...and as others have said...it also doesn't matter (although I agree it is interesting, thanks for the thread!)
We need to focus on what we know is true for ourselves...
Cathy31
x
We need to focus on what we know is true for ourselves...
Cathy31
x
Old & Sober Member of AA
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Nursing Home in Brick, New Jersey
Posts: 5,174
The important thing is that you know why you're there! Never a good idea to take someone else's inventory...it can tend to take the focus off your own. Good luck with your continued sobriety...and, it may ease your mind to pray that he eventually decides which side of the railroad tracks he belongs on.
Jeff070204
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Sacramento
Posts: 39
I saw him again over the weekend.
He was at the same meeting again. Now I know what the deal is. He broke up with his girlfriend. Now it makes a little more sense. Not only is he single again, but he's feeling attention-deprived, too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
Originally Posted by Jeff070204
He was at the same meeting again. Now I know what the deal is. He broke up with his girlfriend. Now it makes a little more sense. Not only is he single again, but he's feeling attention-deprived, too.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I think I would qualify as a "high-bottom" drunk... I did not lose my home, or my car, or my family.
Just my memory, my money and my self-respect.
Still... higher than many.
My sponsor's story is similar to mine. What she reminds me of from time to time is that for us "high-bottom" ones, there is a tendancy to start to believe that lie that we aren't "bad enough" (good enough?) alcoholics to "need" AA.
Pretty soon, that thinking turns into "well... in fact, I am probably just a "problem drinker".... in fact, I almost started to believe once that I was a "problem drinker who had solved the problem".
There may be one more drunk inside me..... and that scares the hell outta me.
Just my memory, my money and my self-respect.
Still... higher than many.
My sponsor's story is similar to mine. What she reminds me of from time to time is that for us "high-bottom" ones, there is a tendancy to start to believe that lie that we aren't "bad enough" (good enough?) alcoholics to "need" AA.
Pretty soon, that thinking turns into "well... in fact, I am probably just a "problem drinker".... in fact, I almost started to believe once that I was a "problem drinker who had solved the problem".
There may be one more drunk inside me..... and that scares the hell outta me.
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