odaat

I've been sober for 10 months. I don't remember much about the first 2 months, but I know that I was in the grips of the obsession still.

Things seemed to ease slightly, but I've found in the past month or so, I'm back in the grips?

I'm not going to drink, but I keep thinking about how much I want that oblivion. I just want to get completely out of it and forget everything, even if for a short while.

When I started feeling bad, I started going to meetings. I go to about 5 a week, and I'm looking for a sponsor. I'm praying and everything else I should be doing.

I suppose I just want to know if this has happened to anyone else?

I don't have any emotional sobriety at all. I'm spirtually unfit. I suppose technically, I've only been 'really' sober since I joined AA, so I am still very much of a newbie.

bugsworth

Odaat, You have such strength. You have been able to resist your cravings for 10 months. You should be so proud of yourself!

I am saddened to hear you say that "technically you have only been really sober since joining aa" Why down play all your hard work? YOU are the only one who will keep you sober. Time heals all wounds...stay strong...be well.

CarolD

O My! Of course you have been sober 10 months!
That's a huge accomplishment. Congratulations...8

Have you read about PAWS?

http://www.tlctx.com/ar_pages/paw_part1.htm

Perhaps that is the culprit.

Forward we go...side by side

Anna

You're doing great Odaat and realizing that you need to do spiritual work is a big step. Be kind and patient with yourself.

odaat

Thank you for that article CarolD, that is very interesting and not something I'd heard of.

There was a part that really stuck out:
"Sobriety becomes so painful that they feel they must self-medicate the pain with alcohol or drugs, collapse physically or emotionally, or commit suicide to end the pain."
That is exactly how I feel at the moment, I feel like the bottom is going to fall out - something has got to give.

I will have another read through of the article, hopefully I can take something away from it. I think I need to focus on Verbalization and Ventilation. I don't tend to talk much about how I feel, when perhaps I should. I texted another alcoholic today, which is a positive step. Its just so hard to take these steps though.

Thank you

Rowan

It sounds like you are right where you are supposed to be, odaat.

Keep reaching out, keep sharing.

odaat

Almost loosing my sobriety (if I haven't already done so) is right where I'm supposed to be? I sure hope not, I think another time out would be my last. Maybe your right, maybe its just my time to go.

Rowan

That's not what I meant, odaat. I just meant that it's normal to obsess over drinking - it's what we do as alcoholics. It's important that you are reaching out and sharing that.

Tazman53

odaat sobriety is like a baby learning to walk, you mentioned steps, think about a baby, the first steps are difficult, wobbly, off balance at first, but slowly they necome steadier.

Going to AA was a huge step in the right direction, the next step you took was a good one as well, texting someone in AA, why not call them? I love nothing better then to have another alcoholic call me even if it is just to talk, I have called folks a lot, simply talking to some one helps.

Instead of getting a sponsor right now why not get a "Temporary" sponsor, it is much easier that way, no commitment on your part or thiers, but still another step in the right direction.

The mental obsession weakens with time usually but can rear it's ugly head when we least expect it. What helped me the most was working the steps with my sponsor, this led to the actual need/urge to drink being lifted from me, today if I do think of having a drink it is nothing but a fleeting thought and that is it, I no longer fight it, I simply maintain my spiritual condition on a daily basis and all is well.

odaat

Why isn't there a way to make the pain go away? How long can someone feel like this without breaking? What am I supposed to do?

odaat

Taz - I've been thinking about getting a temporary sponsor, but I've not managed to find anyone who is available in the daytime. I don't work, and ideally I'd like to have a sponsor who was there during the day. My hardest times are during the day - like now.

I can't phone anyone now - everyone works

Rowan

Can you think back to a time when you were in this much pain in sobriety? What did you do? What worked then? You are going to lots of meetings, and you mentioned that you are looking for a sponsor. Why not get a temporary sponsor, in the meantime? At least it gives you someone that you can call when you are feeling like this, or maybe you can get together face to face?
Where you are at is a very painful and lonely place, I know. You can get through this without drinking, though. I've been there. I do understand what it's like.

odaat

Nothing really helps, apart from medication and the passing of time. I really don't want to become dependant on medication though.

GlassPrisoner

There is, it's called Working the Steps

Get a sponsor, and work them. The obsession will be lifted. It was for me, and countless others. Google "10th step AA promises".....

odaat

How long does it usually take to find a sponsor?

Rowan

That depends on you. Go to a meeting, and ask someone. Keep asking, until you find someone. If your sponsor isn't a good fit, you can always get a new one.
I agree with GP that it's time to work the steps.

odaat

I'm going to a new meeting tonight, hopefully there will be someone there.

I was hoping to find a sponsor who is around during the day, but I suppose thats just a time I've got to get through it on my own. Its so hard, wish I had someone to talk to.

tanyapmc

I asked a lady I had just met to take me through the steps. That was nearly 9 months ago. The obsession has been on me at times. But it ALWAYS goes away. I find that when I am struggling if I go to a detox center that I always feel better. Maybe it's time for you to help others?

odaat

How can I help others?

GlassPrisoner

When you go to a meeting, look for someone that's obviously new. Introduce yourself, and shake their hand.

Or, take a coffee commitment.

Or, offer a ride to and from the meetings to the ride-less.

These are all things I did in early recovery.