First post, Please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 23
First post, Please help
First my story.
I'm a 23 year old college student in love with an addict. Her drug of choice means very little because as I understand it, an addict is an addict. We've been together for 3 years and there is no question in my mind (or hers) that we are soulmates. She initially told me of her problem within the first few months of dating. She had been taking vicodin (2000 mg's a day) since she was 13 years old. She started because of a knee injury and she kept taking them because her mother always had a fresh supply. I helped her to white knuckle it for 2 months. After going through chemo and I myself going through health problems of my own, we both dropped out of school. I moved home to take care of my mother and 6 months later she followed, after obviously relapsing because she was living back at home with her parents.
She white knuckled for a while before she started to steal them from my mother (who has chronic injuries and is prescribed) and lying to me about it. Of course there is lying. I've been lied to year after year. I finally convinced my parents to move to florida and retire by offering to use my trust fund to pay for it, and she and I moved back near her parents together. Back to her parents, back to more pills. The last 10 months have been a time of isolation and avoidance. Her addiction had her in its grasp and I was left alone to fight for our relationship. I've cried and I've lied and said everything was ok. Last month she decided to finally get help and checked herself into La Hacienda in Texas. She told me of her lies on her 4th day.
Since then, I've gone through a whirlwind of emotions. I now understand our relationship issues but I've come to learn that its not us, its both of us.
I have a problem in which I cant expect her to help me with. I am lonely, depressed and emotionally exhausted. Ive completely changed who I am and I know it.
In the area I live Al-Anon is completely a waste of time because the people there, frankly, arent my type (yes ive been to a few meetings) and I dont feel that they understand where I'm coming from.
She called me 3 hours ago and we spoke about our co-dependency issue. I know WHAT I need to do, ive done enough research and meetings to know, but I cant wrap my head around how.
I hope I gave enough info to make my situation clear as I'm at my wits end.
Yes you know the question. Do I stay and work it out and heal myself in the process, or do I go? I know its my decision but I don't know if I have the ability to put myself through it all.
I'm a 23 year old college student in love with an addict. Her drug of choice means very little because as I understand it, an addict is an addict. We've been together for 3 years and there is no question in my mind (or hers) that we are soulmates. She initially told me of her problem within the first few months of dating. She had been taking vicodin (2000 mg's a day) since she was 13 years old. She started because of a knee injury and she kept taking them because her mother always had a fresh supply. I helped her to white knuckle it for 2 months. After going through chemo and I myself going through health problems of my own, we both dropped out of school. I moved home to take care of my mother and 6 months later she followed, after obviously relapsing because she was living back at home with her parents.
She white knuckled for a while before she started to steal them from my mother (who has chronic injuries and is prescribed) and lying to me about it. Of course there is lying. I've been lied to year after year. I finally convinced my parents to move to florida and retire by offering to use my trust fund to pay for it, and she and I moved back near her parents together. Back to her parents, back to more pills. The last 10 months have been a time of isolation and avoidance. Her addiction had her in its grasp and I was left alone to fight for our relationship. I've cried and I've lied and said everything was ok. Last month she decided to finally get help and checked herself into La Hacienda in Texas. She told me of her lies on her 4th day.
Since then, I've gone through a whirlwind of emotions. I now understand our relationship issues but I've come to learn that its not us, its both of us.
I have a problem in which I cant expect her to help me with. I am lonely, depressed and emotionally exhausted. Ive completely changed who I am and I know it.
In the area I live Al-Anon is completely a waste of time because the people there, frankly, arent my type (yes ive been to a few meetings) and I dont feel that they understand where I'm coming from.
She called me 3 hours ago and we spoke about our co-dependency issue. I know WHAT I need to do, ive done enough research and meetings to know, but I cant wrap my head around how.
I hope I gave enough info to make my situation clear as I'm at my wits end.
Yes you know the question. Do I stay and work it out and heal myself in the process, or do I go? I know its my decision but I don't know if I have the ability to put myself through it all.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Saron;
You're at your wit's end. You can't make a decision as to whether to work itout or let it go. You're exhausted, and you've changed who you are fundamentally. Yet, you don't know what to do?
Get to a meeting!
Yes, again.
And again.
Get thee a sponsor who will show you HOW to do exactly what it is that you can't figure out how to do by yourself.
It's how it works, friend...
And it works if you work it.
And only if you work it.
Shalom!
You're at your wit's end. You can't make a decision as to whether to work itout or let it go. You're exhausted, and you've changed who you are fundamentally. Yet, you don't know what to do?
Get to a meeting!
Yes, again.
And again.
Get thee a sponsor who will show you HOW to do exactly what it is that you can't figure out how to do by yourself.
It's how it works, friend...
And it works if you work it.
And only if you work it.
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Okanagan BC
Posts: 328
Saron, I am sorry you are at your wits end! I don't have much wisdom to offer you right now as I am having to decide myself what my next step is. Just want you to know you are not alone, words of wisdom will come soon from the awesome people on this site. They will help you! but if yu feel you have problems she can't help you with I think I would try it on my own for a while. It doesn't have to be forever, just until you have had time to deal with your own problems and let her deal with hers. When you are two whole people again then decide if you are meant to be together...Just my 2 cents
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 23
I'm afraid. I know it. I can admit it. I am a afraid of myself.
I have a sketchy past of which I am not proud. I am completely and utterly afraid of exposing myself in any way.
We are spending a week not speaking to each other and I have enough faith in her to recover to begin seeking real help. I am confident to a fault and yet I can't bear the thought of being vulnerable. She is the only person for whom ive ever opened up.
I appreciate your quick reply, it's exactly what I was hoping for. TY for your post historyteach.
I understand that for myself I need to heal regardless. I suppose what I need to know is whether I should risk each others healing to continue such an obviously dysfunctional relationship that could easily be devastating to my self-esteem and future goals.
I have a sketchy past of which I am not proud. I am completely and utterly afraid of exposing myself in any way.
We are spending a week not speaking to each other and I have enough faith in her to recover to begin seeking real help. I am confident to a fault and yet I can't bear the thought of being vulnerable. She is the only person for whom ive ever opened up.
I appreciate your quick reply, it's exactly what I was hoping for. TY for your post historyteach.
I understand that for myself I need to heal regardless. I suppose what I need to know is whether I should risk each others healing to continue such an obviously dysfunctional relationship that could easily be devastating to my self-esteem and future goals.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
saron,welcome to s.r. this site has been a sanity saver for me. ftf meeting are great also.the addict in my life is my son. i can not tell you to stay or leave your g.f. i can tell you she may not ever recover.it is her battle.there is nothing u can do to save her.you can not love her enough to make her quit.if that was so i would not have to b here. it is a long hard battle for the addict & a long hard road for you.it will not get any better till she decides. read the stickys at the top of the forum"what addicts do".i will say a prayer for your g.f. & u too. keep coming back, i am glad u found us.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Hi - glad you found this place - there are lots of wonderful folks who understand what you are going through.
I'm afraid no one can really give you the answer on stay or go...That's something you will need to figure out. Addiction is a horrible disease and if you have a chance to get away from its impact, many of us say run. But I also understand that you have invested greatly in this relationship and running when one is in love is not so easy (yes that's an understatement).
There are a couple of things I have learned in recovery that may be helpful to share. The first is that this isn't an over night process and there is no easy fix. It takes work to change attitudes and habits and behaviors. There are some things that have become second nature to me, and other things I struggle with. That old "less than" feeling can pop up when I feel vulnerable and I can easily lapsed into trying to control or manipulate a situation to make it go my way. At least now, though I recognize it for what it is and can pick myself up and try again.
The other thing I learned is that I can only do what I feel comfortable doing. I could not kick my addict out; there were certain boundaries others have that I just felt uncomfortable with. So I started small and worked up. It helped me to know that if I made a decision today, it was okay to adjust tomorrow if that is what was needed. And it was okay to not decide...that not to decide can sometimes be a decision.
So take your time; read and post...I understand what you mean about meetings...I had to try quite a few before I found a Naranon group that really clicked with me. Now I feel strange if I miss a meeting. If you really feel meetings are not for you, perhaps counseling with someone who specializes in codependency issues. There are some great books too...Codependent No More is one many of us found enlightening.
I'm afraid no one can really give you the answer on stay or go...That's something you will need to figure out. Addiction is a horrible disease and if you have a chance to get away from its impact, many of us say run. But I also understand that you have invested greatly in this relationship and running when one is in love is not so easy (yes that's an understatement).
There are a couple of things I have learned in recovery that may be helpful to share. The first is that this isn't an over night process and there is no easy fix. It takes work to change attitudes and habits and behaviors. There are some things that have become second nature to me, and other things I struggle with. That old "less than" feeling can pop up when I feel vulnerable and I can easily lapsed into trying to control or manipulate a situation to make it go my way. At least now, though I recognize it for what it is and can pick myself up and try again.
The other thing I learned is that I can only do what I feel comfortable doing. I could not kick my addict out; there were certain boundaries others have that I just felt uncomfortable with. So I started small and worked up. It helped me to know that if I made a decision today, it was okay to adjust tomorrow if that is what was needed. And it was okay to not decide...that not to decide can sometimes be a decision.
So take your time; read and post...I understand what you mean about meetings...I had to try quite a few before I found a Naranon group that really clicked with me. Now I feel strange if I miss a meeting. If you really feel meetings are not for you, perhaps counseling with someone who specializes in codependency issues. There are some great books too...Codependent No More is one many of us found enlightening.
Or However You Spell It....
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Safe
Posts: 4,264
Originally Posted by Saron03 
I understand that for myself I need to heal regardless. I suppose what I need to know is whether I should risk each others healing to continue such an obviously dysfunctional relationship that could easily be devastating to my self-esteem and future goals.
I left my ex boyfriend after 5 years of a cocaine induced hell. He just wouldn't stop as long as I was there to cushion his fall. It hurt so much to let the man I loved with all my heart go, but the fact of the matter is I became just as sick as he was after a while..........so obsessed over him and everything he did. I lost myself in the mix. It's well over a year now and I'm still trying to get my life back together........still a work in progress.
Since leaving though he has found recovery and from what I understand is doing quite well. I can't take the credit for him finding recovery. He had to do that on his own. I can however say that without me to lean on.........he had no choice.......sink even deeper or swim. I'm glad he chose to swim.
Keep posting. This place saved my life and the people here are the best folks you'll ever meet.
Bridge CLOSED
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: No ones business
Posts: 1,497
I agree with the others.
I do think you need to work AlAnon a lot more than you have. You may have to try different meetings but remember one thing.. the people at those meetings are all going thru the same pain you are. They may be further down their road of recovery than you are, but they have stood at its start, same as you.
I started AlAnon after being separated from my alcohoic husband. However, I was the one who did not get it. After all, the Alcoholic was removed from my life so therefore the problem was too, right?
I could not have been more WRONG thinking that.
2 years after being separated (almost 20 years of marriage) and one year after being divorced, I met Steve. He told me he used to be a drug addict but had quit. We had similar interests and we clicked. I thought. We had a relationship for 6 years. He moved in with me for a year and as he was moving out I discovered he was far from quit of drugs.. Fact is, he had been using right along. Then I found out about the lying, the cheating.. the whole thing.
He is gone and I returned to AlAnon and this site and I have to say.. it has been a life saver. I stood at the same spot you are standing a year ago. I have learned a great deal. I have more to work on as I still have anger issues over Steve and his lying, cheating and drug use which could have cost me my house, my life's savings and my job. He used me for money and as a safe place to continue his drug use and his cheating ways.
I have learned to like who I am and to enjoy spending time alone with myself as company. Life has gotten a lot better for me and I attribute it to my own work and the guidance of AlAnon and the Books by Melody Beattie on Co Dependency.
You are not alone. You will need to make a choice as you know.. Stay or Go.. but either way, DO try to get into a NarAnon or AlAnon program and work it. You are worth it.
I do think you need to work AlAnon a lot more than you have. You may have to try different meetings but remember one thing.. the people at those meetings are all going thru the same pain you are. They may be further down their road of recovery than you are, but they have stood at its start, same as you.
I started AlAnon after being separated from my alcohoic husband. However, I was the one who did not get it. After all, the Alcoholic was removed from my life so therefore the problem was too, right?
I could not have been more WRONG thinking that.
2 years after being separated (almost 20 years of marriage) and one year after being divorced, I met Steve. He told me he used to be a drug addict but had quit. We had similar interests and we clicked. I thought. We had a relationship for 6 years. He moved in with me for a year and as he was moving out I discovered he was far from quit of drugs.. Fact is, he had been using right along. Then I found out about the lying, the cheating.. the whole thing.
He is gone and I returned to AlAnon and this site and I have to say.. it has been a life saver. I stood at the same spot you are standing a year ago. I have learned a great deal. I have more to work on as I still have anger issues over Steve and his lying, cheating and drug use which could have cost me my house, my life's savings and my job. He used me for money and as a safe place to continue his drug use and his cheating ways.
I have learned to like who I am and to enjoy spending time alone with myself as company. Life has gotten a lot better for me and I attribute it to my own work and the guidance of AlAnon and the Books by Melody Beattie on Co Dependency.
You are not alone. You will need to make a choice as you know.. Stay or Go.. but either way, DO try to get into a NarAnon or AlAnon program and work it. You are worth it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Saron -
I understand exactly how you feel and what you are going through, but please know that allowing your addicted love one to be responsible for her own actions does not mean that you don't love her. We are always taught that love means rescuing and helping - to some extent and when we see someone we love faltering we try to stand by them and show them that we care for them and support them and they needn't feel alone. I didn't realize how much that backfired on me until I came to SR. Here, members told me that in doing this I may just be standing between my bf and his bottom at which he must hit to seek recovery.
Please know you are not alone -- I think everyone here has been where you are at. I am STILL where you are at, just trying to tilt my head to the light a bit
I am twenty five - you are young and already we have been involved in a situation that is so identity stripping. One day I woke up and couldn't believe the feelings I had squashed in the name of love and not trying to rock the boat. I couldn't believe what a disaster my life had become. Only now am I trying to see I can exercise control of my life and that attempting to get my needs met by an addict is unhealthy and resembles going to a hardware store to purchase bread. Not too bright.
But I know where you are at - questioning your decisions and actions up until this point - wondering what you want for your future. My abf is in a sober house in Florida for six months, a thousand miles away from me. The first two months or so I was a neurotic mess - I thought that by obsessing and worrying and always needing to confirm that he was in fact, still in recovery and not relapsing that I was somehow going to control this whole process and ensure that it was moving forward. All it has done has continued to keep me wrapped up in someone else's life, my decisions riding on their choices, their moods, their willingness to recover. Not healthy for me.
It's so hard. I wish I had more answers for you and for myself. All I know is that this board is full of amazingly wise and supportive people who have been where we are at and are always here to listen and offer their experiences. Being able to come here and have others hear me and respond has been monumental in sorting out fact from fiction in my situation.
Recently I've come to accept that drugs and alcohol truly poision relationship. They are diseases who are infect the loved ones as well. We become codependent among other things and also continue into our own downward spiral - trying to control our loved one but ultimately being controlled by their disease.
Melody Beattie's Codependent No More was a right light bulb moment for me. I suggest you try to pick it up - it helped me uncover so many of my behaviors that I use to see as normal and realize how much of myself and my life I was no longer connected with and how I was too wrapped up in another person's business to attend to my own.
I understand exactly how you feel and what you are going through, but please know that allowing your addicted love one to be responsible for her own actions does not mean that you don't love her. We are always taught that love means rescuing and helping - to some extent and when we see someone we love faltering we try to stand by them and show them that we care for them and support them and they needn't feel alone. I didn't realize how much that backfired on me until I came to SR. Here, members told me that in doing this I may just be standing between my bf and his bottom at which he must hit to seek recovery.
Please know you are not alone -- I think everyone here has been where you are at. I am STILL where you are at, just trying to tilt my head to the light a bit
I am twenty five - you are young and already we have been involved in a situation that is so identity stripping. One day I woke up and couldn't believe the feelings I had squashed in the name of love and not trying to rock the boat. I couldn't believe what a disaster my life had become. Only now am I trying to see I can exercise control of my life and that attempting to get my needs met by an addict is unhealthy and resembles going to a hardware store to purchase bread. Not too bright.But I know where you are at - questioning your decisions and actions up until this point - wondering what you want for your future. My abf is in a sober house in Florida for six months, a thousand miles away from me. The first two months or so I was a neurotic mess - I thought that by obsessing and worrying and always needing to confirm that he was in fact, still in recovery and not relapsing that I was somehow going to control this whole process and ensure that it was moving forward. All it has done has continued to keep me wrapped up in someone else's life, my decisions riding on their choices, their moods, their willingness to recover. Not healthy for me.
It's so hard. I wish I had more answers for you and for myself. All I know is that this board is full of amazingly wise and supportive people who have been where we are at and are always here to listen and offer their experiences. Being able to come here and have others hear me and respond has been monumental in sorting out fact from fiction in my situation.
Recently I've come to accept that drugs and alcohol truly poision relationship. They are diseases who are infect the loved ones as well. We become codependent among other things and also continue into our own downward spiral - trying to control our loved one but ultimately being controlled by their disease.
Melody Beattie's Codependent No More was a right light bulb moment for me. I suggest you try to pick it up - it helped me uncover so many of my behaviors that I use to see as normal and realize how much of myself and my life I was no longer connected with and how I was too wrapped up in another person's business to attend to my own.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
I would like to welcome you to SR. You will find that this is a wonderful place for support. You might not like all the replies in time but take what you want and leave the rest.
Now with that said; As a mother of an addict I want to YELL RUN LIKE HE**. I would not want anyone to go through what I know is there. But as you know this should be about YOU. Take time to figure out if you would be better off with or without your addict. Make lists if you have to. Go to meetings you can look them up by searching for Nar-Anon. Go to you find one you like, I look forward to my meetings each week.
I am sending you prayers and hugs to find the strength to take care you at this time.
Keep coming back here, you will find support from a lot of people who know how you fee.
Good luck on your journey
Now with that said; As a mother of an addict I want to YELL RUN LIKE HE**. I would not want anyone to go through what I know is there. But as you know this should be about YOU. Take time to figure out if you would be better off with or without your addict. Make lists if you have to. Go to meetings you can look them up by searching for Nar-Anon. Go to you find one you like, I look forward to my meetings each week.
I am sending you prayers and hugs to find the strength to take care you at this time.
Keep coming back here, you will find support from a lot of people who know how you fee.
Good luck on your journey
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Saron03,
Welcome to you, glad you found us.
Being the mother of 2 addict sons, I'm not truly in your position, but I can identify with the enabling part, and the heartache addiction brings about.
Please keep trying the meetings, it's for YOU, and no one but you. Maybe that's where you should start, put all your time and energy into YOU. Actually it is all about you, what you want in your life, where you want to be a year or 5 years from now.
Try to remember, life is short, make it what you want it to be.
There's no easy answers, it's all up to you, what you want and how you decide to change your life to obtain it.
Hugs, and keep posting...
Welcome to you, glad you found us.
Being the mother of 2 addict sons, I'm not truly in your position, but I can identify with the enabling part, and the heartache addiction brings about.
Please keep trying the meetings, it's for YOU, and no one but you. Maybe that's where you should start, put all your time and energy into YOU. Actually it is all about you, what you want in your life, where you want to be a year or 5 years from now.
Try to remember, life is short, make it what you want it to be.
There's no easy answers, it's all up to you, what you want and how you decide to change your life to obtain it.
Hugs, and keep posting...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Welcome Saron03
I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling right now, but so glad that you found this site. A lot of great advice already given. My daughter is the addict in my life. I agree to keep searching for a meeting that is right for you. Keep posting and reading here; this site has helped me keep my sanity. I agree with Elana about the books by Melody Beattie. These books helped me to see the truth as how I was "helping" my daughter. Thinking I was doing the right thing to help her; actually I learned that I was doing just the opposite for her and myself! I think I ordered her books on line also. Things will get better for you; it will not be an overnight thing.
welcome
Terri
I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling right now, but so glad that you found this site. A lot of great advice already given. My daughter is the addict in my life. I agree to keep searching for a meeting that is right for you. Keep posting and reading here; this site has helped me keep my sanity. I agree with Elana about the books by Melody Beattie. These books helped me to see the truth as how I was "helping" my daughter. Thinking I was doing the right thing to help her; actually I learned that I was doing just the opposite for her and myself! I think I ordered her books on line also. Things will get better for you; it will not be an overnight thing.
welcome
Terri
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 23
Through all this, and all of the thinking I have done recently, one thing sticks out clearly in my mind.
This woman is my best friend. period. I know she loves me, I know how much she cares for me. I also know how upset she is that she has hurt me so badly. She has been through so much in such a short time, she is a fighter.
I have been inspired by her strength and it has stopped my college frat boy days early (the chemo did it). I want nothing more for her than her complete happiness and sobriety.
As strong as I am I feel I've held the relationship together while she was in a state of chaos. At first this really hurt me, I think now that it probably hurt her more.
I've read some of the co dependency links on the sticky's and did some reading on other informational sites and I've found that most people do run. I don't want to run. I want to make every right move to make sure I needn't lose her.
For those of you in my position, especially HKAngel (your PM as very sweet btw thankyou, I couldnt respond because I dont have enough board posts) what approach will you use to remain in a relationship with your ABF?
I've read about detachment and I know that the relationship will be akward, but I know I can be her friend first, putting our recovery above our relationship until the time comes. Maybe like roomates? She'll be in a halfway house for 3 months as well, I plan to use that time to get as much work done on myself as possible to avoid any drawbacks in the coming year.
Thank you to everybody for your support and wise words. This is what I was missing from my meetings. People who tell me everything is going to be ok.
This woman is my best friend. period. I know she loves me, I know how much she cares for me. I also know how upset she is that she has hurt me so badly. She has been through so much in such a short time, she is a fighter.
I have been inspired by her strength and it has stopped my college frat boy days early (the chemo did it). I want nothing more for her than her complete happiness and sobriety.
As strong as I am I feel I've held the relationship together while she was in a state of chaos. At first this really hurt me, I think now that it probably hurt her more.
I've read some of the co dependency links on the sticky's and did some reading on other informational sites and I've found that most people do run. I don't want to run. I want to make every right move to make sure I needn't lose her.
For those of you in my position, especially HKAngel (your PM as very sweet btw thankyou, I couldnt respond because I dont have enough board posts) what approach will you use to remain in a relationship with your ABF?
I've read about detachment and I know that the relationship will be akward, but I know I can be her friend first, putting our recovery above our relationship until the time comes. Maybe like roomates? She'll be in a halfway house for 3 months as well, I plan to use that time to get as much work done on myself as possible to avoid any drawbacks in the coming year.
Thank you to everybody for your support and wise words. This is what I was missing from my meetings. People who tell me everything is going to be ok.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
Hi Saron--
I'm a youngin' like you. I'm 24. I'm married to my addict. I have been for almost 3 years. He became an addict right after we got married.....now, I'm going to tell you the truth....
If we weren't married, would I still be with him.....no probably not. Its a VERY long, VERY hard road to travel, being with an addict.
My husband didn't get it until he got it and then it wasn't for the reasons I thought he should have gotten it at all......
I had to learn to let go of him and let him fall. He had to figure it out on his own. I couldn't keep picking him up and dusting him off when he binged on xanax. I couldn't keep making excuses for him. I couldn't keep being ashamed of my marriage and myself and hiding things from family. I couldn't keep walking on eggshells in my own house because I was uncomfortable around him. I couldn't keep snooping and searching and spying on him, it was tiring. I couldn't keep allowing him to destroy my spirit.....BUT, I wasn't ready to leave. I hadn't reached that point and no matter HOW many people told me to RUN RUN RUN....I wasn't going to do it until I was ready to. Neither will you.
I did listen though and I learned that I needed to start to work on me...the first step in doing that was to get Co-dependent No More by Melody Beatty. Its a real eye opener. I went to meeting and listened. I posted more and more about my struggles, I read more and more of the long-timers answers. Still, I struggled. It wasn't until I was able to let him go to deal with his own issues, on his own, was I able to understand what I needed to do to keep myself together. I had come to the understanding that it might not last and I could go when I was ready. I would make it.
Until I let him go, he didn't realize what a hole he had dug for himself and the efforts and work it would take to get out of the hole. He wasn't seeing the damage he had done to our relationship, the relationship with his parents, his work relationship, his friendships with others etc......he had to fall to understand.
He's clean now and he does it himself. I don't interfer with his recovery, nor do I feel the need to make sure that he's doing what he needs to do. I don't get that pit in my stomach anymore on my way home from work, wondering if I am coming home to a clean AH or one that's been using. Not because he's clean, but because I am RECOVERING.
((((Saron)))) I wish you well.
I'm a youngin' like you. I'm 24. I'm married to my addict. I have been for almost 3 years. He became an addict right after we got married.....now, I'm going to tell you the truth....
If we weren't married, would I still be with him.....no probably not. Its a VERY long, VERY hard road to travel, being with an addict.
My husband didn't get it until he got it and then it wasn't for the reasons I thought he should have gotten it at all......
I had to learn to let go of him and let him fall. He had to figure it out on his own. I couldn't keep picking him up and dusting him off when he binged on xanax. I couldn't keep making excuses for him. I couldn't keep being ashamed of my marriage and myself and hiding things from family. I couldn't keep walking on eggshells in my own house because I was uncomfortable around him. I couldn't keep snooping and searching and spying on him, it was tiring. I couldn't keep allowing him to destroy my spirit.....BUT, I wasn't ready to leave. I hadn't reached that point and no matter HOW many people told me to RUN RUN RUN....I wasn't going to do it until I was ready to. Neither will you.
I did listen though and I learned that I needed to start to work on me...the first step in doing that was to get Co-dependent No More by Melody Beatty. Its a real eye opener. I went to meeting and listened. I posted more and more about my struggles, I read more and more of the long-timers answers. Still, I struggled. It wasn't until I was able to let him go to deal with his own issues, on his own, was I able to understand what I needed to do to keep myself together. I had come to the understanding that it might not last and I could go when I was ready. I would make it.
Until I let him go, he didn't realize what a hole he had dug for himself and the efforts and work it would take to get out of the hole. He wasn't seeing the damage he had done to our relationship, the relationship with his parents, his work relationship, his friendships with others etc......he had to fall to understand.
He's clean now and he does it himself. I don't interfer with his recovery, nor do I feel the need to make sure that he's doing what he needs to do. I don't get that pit in my stomach anymore on my way home from work, wondering if I am coming home to a clean AH or one that's been using. Not because he's clean, but because I am RECOVERING.
((((Saron)))) I wish you well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 23
I'm actually on my way to the bookstore right now.
I think I find myself in a bit of a different situation then all of ya'll. My A is a woman. Your A's are men. I know how awful men can be emotionally and I'm 100% certain it makes it harder in your own relationships. Maybe I am delusional but I was never really uncomfortable around her using. If she wanted to isolate and be on her own, fine by me, there's lots of things I'd rather do then worry about why shes upset.
I think maybe its a positive and a negative that our situation is reversed. If she has dug a hole for herself, I've always known that I can't help her out of it. I guess maybe detachment comes easier for men? I didn't even know I had started it until coming here.
I've got a lot of reading to do. Melody Beattie's Codependent No More
good thing im off work tomorrow
I think I find myself in a bit of a different situation then all of ya'll. My A is a woman. Your A's are men. I know how awful men can be emotionally and I'm 100% certain it makes it harder in your own relationships. Maybe I am delusional but I was never really uncomfortable around her using. If she wanted to isolate and be on her own, fine by me, there's lots of things I'd rather do then worry about why shes upset.
I think maybe its a positive and a negative that our situation is reversed. If she has dug a hole for herself, I've always known that I can't help her out of it. I guess maybe detachment comes easier for men? I didn't even know I had started it until coming here.
I've got a lot of reading to do. Melody Beattie's Codependent No More
good thing im off work tomorrow
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Saron03
Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Good for you! Keep reading and posting. We all learn from each others' experiences. You might be suprised that someone reading your post is going through the same thing you are, but not ready to voice it yet. We are all here treading the same water. Some of us with our head barely above the water and others are holding SR friends up in the water. IMHO, we all help each other here. Thanks for your post.
Terri
Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Good for you! Keep reading and posting. We all learn from each others' experiences. You might be suprised that someone reading your post is going through the same thing you are, but not ready to voice it yet. We are all here treading the same water. Some of us with our head barely above the water and others are holding SR friends up in the water. IMHO, we all help each other here. Thanks for your post.
Terri
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Welcome Saron,
You seem to be a very caring sort of guy.
Word of caution: That can be our downfall.
When dealing with my heroin addicted son, I found that as hard as it was, I HAD to separate myself from all responsibility for his behavior, before I could even begin to think about what to do next.
You speak of handling a lot of matters with loved ones (parents move, moving her back, making decisions for the both of you). This puts up a big red flag for me.
You, like I and many others here, may just be a perfect codie.
While I admire you for hanging in there for the sake of the relationship, hanging too close may find you feeling responsible for how she’s handling the recover process.
I can speak from experience in that…I took care of my son’s for quite a while. While that didn’t stop my son from falling, it did prevent him from feeling his victories. Afterall, he couldn’t have done any of it without me, right?
I guess my point is be careful of your motives while resolving yourself to be there through the hard times. And buckle your seatbelt, it may be a rough ride.
Still, the choice remains yours. We’re here for you regardless of what you choose.
(and don't let us gals bully you...OK? )
(((Hugs)))
Cece
You seem to be a very caring sort of guy.
Word of caution: That can be our downfall.
When dealing with my heroin addicted son, I found that as hard as it was, I HAD to separate myself from all responsibility for his behavior, before I could even begin to think about what to do next.
You speak of handling a lot of matters with loved ones (parents move, moving her back, making decisions for the both of you). This puts up a big red flag for me.
You, like I and many others here, may just be a perfect codie.
While I admire you for hanging in there for the sake of the relationship, hanging too close may find you feeling responsible for how she’s handling the recover process.
I can speak from experience in that…I took care of my son’s for quite a while. While that didn’t stop my son from falling, it did prevent him from feeling his victories. Afterall, he couldn’t have done any of it without me, right?
I guess my point is be careful of your motives while resolving yourself to be there through the hard times. And buckle your seatbelt, it may be a rough ride.
Still, the choice remains yours. We’re here for you regardless of what you choose.
(and don't let us gals bully you...OK?
)(((Hugs)))
Cece
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Saron)))))))
Just offering up my support and welcoming you to sr.
I'm Linda and my 25 yo son is the addict in my life.
Can't really add much to what everyone else has said.
Except I'm sorry that your gf is an addict and you, a codie.
The steps you are taking seem to be headed in a good direction.
Keep focusing on you and keep coming back.
Prayers,
Linda
Just offering up my support and welcoming you to sr.
I'm Linda and my 25 yo son is the addict in my life.
Can't really add much to what everyone else has said.
Except I'm sorry that your gf is an addict and you, a codie.
The steps you are taking seem to be headed in a good direction.
Keep focusing on you and keep coming back.
Prayers,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Saron,
I am glad that you are reading what us gals are saying. We do like the view point of men, since you do have a different approach to things.
I am glad that you are working on you, and that you are going to read the books. I did read Codepent no more, and had a real hard time reading it. So if you have to stop, don't feel bad, I have gone back and read it later. You are the age of my daughter and my son is a little younger. I would not want them to have to deal with as much as you have. You are a strong young man, but please take care of yourself. Vent here if you need to. You will see that us moms will be there to support you right away. The others will be too!!!
Enjoy your reading.
I am glad that you are reading what us gals are saying. We do like the view point of men, since you do have a different approach to things.
I am glad that you are working on you, and that you are going to read the books. I did read Codepent no more, and had a real hard time reading it. So if you have to stop, don't feel bad, I have gone back and read it later. You are the age of my daughter and my son is a little younger. I would not want them to have to deal with as much as you have. You are a strong young man, but please take care of yourself. Vent here if you need to. You will see that us moms will be there to support you right away. The others will be too!!!
Enjoy your reading.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
