intervention advice, please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: ny ny
Posts: 6
intervention advice, please help
Hi,
Myself and the family of my addict ex boyfriend are at our wits end dealing with his addiction. We are steadily alterating between enabling him and fighting amongst ourselves and blaming each other progressively worse as his own disease seems to be only progressing. He was in rehab and lasted about 3 weeks before he checked himself out to supposedly go stay at a yoga center for a few months. He only ended up going to my house (we lived together before I found out about his addiction) to do crack there while I was out of town. Since he checked himself out of rehab and stopped seeing his therapist and going to NA I broke up with him as I told him I could not date someone in an active addiction. Its been a month since he checked himself out and since then he has relapsed repeatedly (the latest time severing work relationships and getting beat up in the process ).
As things currently stand I have left the state we lived in as a result of all of this, so I atleast am forced to distance myself that way and not be totally emeshed in his problem. I had previously outlined an agreement with him that if he ever disappeared again (he will go missing for days, weeks, not return calls or emails when he is using) without a word or even a "I"m okay" response text or email letting me know he is alive, I would sever contact with him until he has 6 mo clean time. So I have not spoken to him in a week, and although it seems like forever now I want to stand by this consequese, so he knows he can not stay in an untreated active addiction and be with me.
I have been going to nar anon ad al- anon meeting myself and reading everything I can on the subject so I am educated on the subject and dealing with my own issues involving his addiction.
I feel like theres nothing I can do, and right now he has fallen into a dark hole of addiction I am scared he will never get out of or die from. He does things to a extreme and it what I suspect is true he is doing a lethal amount of drugs (and he does have a heart condition!!!). I fear he will die before he hits the rock bottom people speak of. He has already lost everything but the drug use only worsens.
I have to come back in town next week for a few days work and I was thinking of trying to urge a structured family intervention to take place while I am there. Any suggestions or advice about our current situation and how to prepare for a successful intervention??? I dont want want him to die because of this.
Thank you for your help.
Myself and the family of my addict ex boyfriend are at our wits end dealing with his addiction. We are steadily alterating between enabling him and fighting amongst ourselves and blaming each other progressively worse as his own disease seems to be only progressing. He was in rehab and lasted about 3 weeks before he checked himself out to supposedly go stay at a yoga center for a few months. He only ended up going to my house (we lived together before I found out about his addiction) to do crack there while I was out of town. Since he checked himself out of rehab and stopped seeing his therapist and going to NA I broke up with him as I told him I could not date someone in an active addiction. Its been a month since he checked himself out and since then he has relapsed repeatedly (the latest time severing work relationships and getting beat up in the process ).
As things currently stand I have left the state we lived in as a result of all of this, so I atleast am forced to distance myself that way and not be totally emeshed in his problem. I had previously outlined an agreement with him that if he ever disappeared again (he will go missing for days, weeks, not return calls or emails when he is using) without a word or even a "I"m okay" response text or email letting me know he is alive, I would sever contact with him until he has 6 mo clean time. So I have not spoken to him in a week, and although it seems like forever now I want to stand by this consequese, so he knows he can not stay in an untreated active addiction and be with me.
I have been going to nar anon ad al- anon meeting myself and reading everything I can on the subject so I am educated on the subject and dealing with my own issues involving his addiction.
I feel like theres nothing I can do, and right now he has fallen into a dark hole of addiction I am scared he will never get out of or die from. He does things to a extreme and it what I suspect is true he is doing a lethal amount of drugs (and he does have a heart condition!!!). I fear he will die before he hits the rock bottom people speak of. He has already lost everything but the drug use only worsens.
I have to come back in town next week for a few days work and I was thinking of trying to urge a structured family intervention to take place while I am there. Any suggestions or advice about our current situation and how to prepare for a successful intervention??? I dont want want him to die because of this.
Thank you for your help.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Interventions often don't work, the addict many times will just walk out. Even with the help of a professional (which is recommended), there are no guarantees.
As hard as it is, removing ourselves from the front row seat to addiction is the only healthy choice. It doesn't necessarily change the situation for the addict, but it puts us in a better place to cope with it and our own healthy needs. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.
My prayers go out for both of you.
Hugs
As hard as it is, removing ourselves from the front row seat to addiction is the only healthy choice. It doesn't necessarily change the situation for the addict, but it puts us in a better place to cope with it and our own healthy needs. It sounds like you are doing all the right things.
My prayers go out for both of you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am sorry you are going thru this. it does not matter how bad we want our addicts to be clean unless they r ready to be they want. continue to go to your meetings & take care of yourself.pray for your b.f. & i will pray for you both.hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You cannot save him. He must save himself. Interventions are often more helpful to the family than the addict because it gives them the opportunity to state their boundaries (which it sounds like you have already done...). You must also be willing to follow through on your boundaries or the intervention will be a farce.
I absolutely URGE you to consult a professional regarding this. Do you have a treatment facility picked out for him? Have you made arrangements if he says he wants help? Interventions are not useful if you have not talked to a professional and thoroughly thought through the entire process and the consequences of that process. If you don't have a professional there, chances are it will just turn into another useless confrontation with an addict.
That being said. Good luck. I hope your husband decides to get and stay clean. It's not an easy choice when you are an addict.
I absolutely URGE you to consult a professional regarding this. Do you have a treatment facility picked out for him? Have you made arrangements if he says he wants help? Interventions are not useful if you have not talked to a professional and thoroughly thought through the entire process and the consequences of that process. If you don't have a professional there, chances are it will just turn into another useless confrontation with an addict.
That being said. Good luck. I hope your husband decides to get and stay clean. It's not an easy choice when you are an addict.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
If you want to go through with the intervention you really do have to have some kind of therapist or other form of professional there, otherwise it will turn into a screaming fest.
good luck
good luck
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
An intervention is only a chance for the addict to get help. There is absolutely no guarantee that it will work. The sad fact is that addicts do die of their disease every day and crack is a bad drug to be doing with a heart condition. Keep doing what you need to do for yourself. Crack addicts repeatedly relapse. It is an extremely hard drug to leave behind but there is proof that recovery is possible on these forums. You have to ask yourself if now that you have put some distance between you and your boyfriend, do you really want to get involved again. Sending hugs and prayers for you. Marle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: ny ny
Posts: 6
Thankyou everyone for all your thoughts and support. I definetely know it may not work or he may not be open to getting help. He is unfortuantely very stubborn. If all that comes out of this is firmer boundaries, its not ideal, but it is atleast better than where we are at now. I do want to try and keep the distance I have now but I feel like in the state he is in now he would never come up with a solution on his own. His cousin has found a treatment center for him, so if it hapens (if the rest of the family consents, which we will see) I want to give him the option, so that atleast I can have some relief myself, knowing I have done everything I can do and I must release him to live his life as he chooses.
I will def. look into having a professional. On some of the websites I have looked at on intervention they offer services for a professional mediator. Is that different than having his therapist there?
I completely understand where everyone is coming from when they say just take care of myself, theres nothing I can do for him. I'm trying to do that, but at the same time I'm having a hard time with the thought of him going downhill and having his death on my consciounce. I want to know I did everything I could do to help him (in a health way that doesn't enable him.) I want to know I did my part. Maybe thats just my defenses or my excuse for not fully letting go yet.
I looked at a site on intervention called love first.
that seemed helpful and had this checklist for before the intervention, so it seems like a good start if we do go through with it. I'm just putting out the initial feelers of it is a possibility, and weighing it out. I am going to take a little time and focus everyones advice here on the forum thnx!
Bring together three to eight people who are important to the alcoholic and are willing to learn how to help.
Set up a planning meeting to discuss moving forward with the intervention.
Choose a detail person.
Choose a team chairperson.
Discuss the importance of not alerting the alcoholic to the intervention plans.
List ways you’ve tried to help the alcoholic that may have enabled the addiction.
Put in writing all the negative consequences caused by the addiction problem.
Write a one- to two-page letter to the alcoholic.
Read your letters to each other, editing out anger, blame, and judgment.
Determine bottom lines, and write them down on a separate page.
Test each other’s willingness to follow through with the bottom lines.
Identify financial resources for covering treatment costs.
Evaluate treatment centers using the evaluation questions.
Set a date, time and place for the rehearsal and the intervention.
Choose a treatment center, answer its pre-intake questions, and make an appointment for admission.
Make airline reservations if the treatment center is out-of-state.
Create a plan likely to guarantee the alcoholic’s presence at the intervention.
Identify objections the alcoholic may use to avoid or postpone treatment, then formulate your answers.
Pack a suitcase using the guidelines provided by the treatment staff.
Determine who should drive the alcoholic from the intervention to treatment.
Compile a list of all prescribed medications the alcoholic is presently using.
Rehearse the intervention.
Decide where each person will sit, including the alcoholic.
Discuss the order in which you’ll read your letters.
Find a discreet place to park your cars.
Script the chairman’s introduction and closing statement.
Review objections and answers.
Plan to arrive at the intervention location 30 minutes before the alcoholic is expected to be there.
If the intervention is taking place at the alcoholic’s home, arrive as a group.
After the intervention, call the admissions staff and let them know whether or not the alcoholic has agreed to treatment.
Collect all letters and send them to the alcoholic’s treatment counselor.
Sign up for the Family Program.
Anyways, thankyou for all your help!!
xx
I will def. look into having a professional. On some of the websites I have looked at on intervention they offer services for a professional mediator. Is that different than having his therapist there?
I completely understand where everyone is coming from when they say just take care of myself, theres nothing I can do for him. I'm trying to do that, but at the same time I'm having a hard time with the thought of him going downhill and having his death on my consciounce. I want to know I did everything I could do to help him (in a health way that doesn't enable him.) I want to know I did my part. Maybe thats just my defenses or my excuse for not fully letting go yet.
I looked at a site on intervention called love first.
that seemed helpful and had this checklist for before the intervention, so it seems like a good start if we do go through with it. I'm just putting out the initial feelers of it is a possibility, and weighing it out. I am going to take a little time and focus everyones advice here on the forum thnx!
Bring together three to eight people who are important to the alcoholic and are willing to learn how to help.
Set up a planning meeting to discuss moving forward with the intervention.
Choose a detail person.
Choose a team chairperson.
Discuss the importance of not alerting the alcoholic to the intervention plans.
List ways you’ve tried to help the alcoholic that may have enabled the addiction.
Put in writing all the negative consequences caused by the addiction problem.
Write a one- to two-page letter to the alcoholic.
Read your letters to each other, editing out anger, blame, and judgment.
Determine bottom lines, and write them down on a separate page.
Test each other’s willingness to follow through with the bottom lines.
Identify financial resources for covering treatment costs.
Evaluate treatment centers using the evaluation questions.
Set a date, time and place for the rehearsal and the intervention.
Choose a treatment center, answer its pre-intake questions, and make an appointment for admission.
Make airline reservations if the treatment center is out-of-state.
Create a plan likely to guarantee the alcoholic’s presence at the intervention.
Identify objections the alcoholic may use to avoid or postpone treatment, then formulate your answers.
Pack a suitcase using the guidelines provided by the treatment staff.
Determine who should drive the alcoholic from the intervention to treatment.
Compile a list of all prescribed medications the alcoholic is presently using.
Rehearse the intervention.
Decide where each person will sit, including the alcoholic.
Discuss the order in which you’ll read your letters.
Find a discreet place to park your cars.
Script the chairman’s introduction and closing statement.
Review objections and answers.
Plan to arrive at the intervention location 30 minutes before the alcoholic is expected to be there.
If the intervention is taking place at the alcoholic’s home, arrive as a group.
After the intervention, call the admissions staff and let them know whether or not the alcoholic has agreed to treatment.
Collect all letters and send them to the alcoholic’s treatment counselor.
Sign up for the Family Program.
Anyways, thankyou for all your help!!
xx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: north east
Posts: 58
Hi-
Just a quick note from experience.
If your do indeed do an intervention make sure the room you do it in has no escape routes. My husband took his chair and smashed the window. As he was leaving he told us all to F*** ourselves. So much for our intervention. His sisters and I cried out of hurt and feelings of failure.
Good luck!!! Lots of hugs!!!!
Just a quick note from experience.
If your do indeed do an intervention make sure the room you do it in has no escape routes. My husband took his chair and smashed the window. As he was leaving he told us all to F*** ourselves. So much for our intervention. His sisters and I cried out of hurt and feelings of failure.
Good luck!!! Lots of hugs!!!!
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Zoekat))))))
Addiction...
1.You didn't cause it
2.You can't control it
3.You can't cure it
Keep coming back for you.
All said with love and understanding,
Linda
Addiction...
1.You didn't cause it
2.You can't control it
3.You can't cure it
Keep coming back for you.
All said with love and understanding,
Linda
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Zoekat -
When I was actively using crack, my dad offered to pay for me to go to a rehab. I told him I could go into a FREE rehab in the town I lived in, but I wasn't ready. I put my family through hell, not knowing if I was dead or alive for months at a time.
I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm clean today and plan on staying that way! My family has always loved me but they had to step back and let me fall on my own. Personally, I don't think an intervention would have helped me (I KNEW I was hurting them and help was available). On the other hand, if he is ready to stop, it may work.
Hugs and prayers to you!
Amy
When I was actively using crack, my dad offered to pay for me to go to a rehab. I told him I could go into a FREE rehab in the town I lived in, but I wasn't ready. I put my family through hell, not knowing if I was dead or alive for months at a time.
I'm not proud of what I did, but I'm clean today and plan on staying that way! My family has always loved me but they had to step back and let me fall on my own. Personally, I don't think an intervention would have helped me (I KNEW I was hurting them and help was available). On the other hand, if he is ready to stop, it may work.
Hugs and prayers to you!
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: ny ny
Posts: 6
Okay Impurrfect,
Thanks for your words. I guess you got to the root of my internal conflict. Is it more helpful to one last time (really
express how much I love him, remind him of the wonderful person he was before his addiction, point out how his drug addiction has changed him and ask him to get help. For myself so I know I have done what I could wash my hands and move on, and for him so beyond the shame and guilt he is feeling he is reminded that he does have people that are there for him. ( I spent alot of time alternateing between being angry, yelling at him, guilting him for what he has done to our life, and crying, almost to a point of manipulation, I hoped if he could just see how much this hurt me he would make a move to change). I thought if I could set aside guilt and anger for once it could be effective. I know how he is in a dark place and in that state its easy to forget there are things to strive for, and things can actually get better, and that I am here to help him...
OR
Is it more helpful to completely remove myself (as is my standing now) so that hopefully he will get tired of where he is at miss his life and want to change.
I wonder if it would be more effective if I as you say step back.
My fear is that I have heard many people die before they hit the rock bottom everyone waits on. And I've heard people who became clean thank their families later because without their concern they would have never have gotten help. AND I have heard many stories similar to yours, where it doesn't matter what anyone says does pleas, rationalizes, if you aren't ready, you aren't ready.
If a person isn't ready would I be doing harm by intervening?
So many questions...
If I did do an intervention I would be reading him a letter giving him a copy then I will be going back to NY. If I do an intervention I want to focus real hard on not letting that be a platform for me to jump right back into trying to save him.
Also heres another question. (I know I need to stop trying to conceptualize and understand everything, and just accept it). I understand it is a disease, like diabetes, etc. I will accept that. The problem I have is if it is a disease I can't expect anyone to just get over it, but if you tell me you have a disease isn't it your responsibility to seek treatment for that which you can not treat yourself . I wont say just stop doing drugs, I understand it is not that simple. If you had diabetes you would have to take insulin and eat right or you could die or lose a leg etc. How can someone simultaneously say they have a treatable disease and not be obligated to get the treatment they need. I know it sounds like a silly question because there isn't clear thinking and logic involved. I just feel having a disease is not the justification to allow it to perpetuate and worsen. I feel all he has learned is that this is a disease, so it excuses his behavior, and that I can't agree with. Can someone help me with this..
Thankyou!
Thanks for your words. I guess you got to the root of my internal conflict. Is it more helpful to one last time (really
express how much I love him, remind him of the wonderful person he was before his addiction, point out how his drug addiction has changed him and ask him to get help. For myself so I know I have done what I could wash my hands and move on, and for him so beyond the shame and guilt he is feeling he is reminded that he does have people that are there for him. ( I spent alot of time alternateing between being angry, yelling at him, guilting him for what he has done to our life, and crying, almost to a point of manipulation, I hoped if he could just see how much this hurt me he would make a move to change). I thought if I could set aside guilt and anger for once it could be effective. I know how he is in a dark place and in that state its easy to forget there are things to strive for, and things can actually get better, and that I am here to help him...OR
Is it more helpful to completely remove myself (as is my standing now) so that hopefully he will get tired of where he is at miss his life and want to change.
I wonder if it would be more effective if I as you say step back.
My fear is that I have heard many people die before they hit the rock bottom everyone waits on. And I've heard people who became clean thank their families later because without their concern they would have never have gotten help. AND I have heard many stories similar to yours, where it doesn't matter what anyone says does pleas, rationalizes, if you aren't ready, you aren't ready.
If a person isn't ready would I be doing harm by intervening?
So many questions...
If I did do an intervention I would be reading him a letter giving him a copy then I will be going back to NY. If I do an intervention I want to focus real hard on not letting that be a platform for me to jump right back into trying to save him.
Also heres another question. (I know I need to stop trying to conceptualize and understand everything, and just accept it). I understand it is a disease, like diabetes, etc. I will accept that. The problem I have is if it is a disease I can't expect anyone to just get over it, but if you tell me you have a disease isn't it your responsibility to seek treatment for that which you can not treat yourself . I wont say just stop doing drugs, I understand it is not that simple. If you had diabetes you would have to take insulin and eat right or you could die or lose a leg etc. How can someone simultaneously say they have a treatable disease and not be obligated to get the treatment they need. I know it sounds like a silly question because there isn't clear thinking and logic involved. I just feel having a disease is not the justification to allow it to perpetuate and worsen. I feel all he has learned is that this is a disease, so it excuses his behavior, and that I can't agree with. Can someone help me with this..
Thankyou!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Zoekat -
I totally understand you wanting to understand this, not just accept it. Even though I'm a recovering addict, I couldn't understand how I was so stupid to get where I got to!
I'm not saying intervention is wrong. Actually, it sounds like you've made a boundary by planning to go back to NY. I think the hardest thing would be to not have any expectations. Like I said, if he is ready to get clean he will, and maybe knowing that you aren't going to step in and take care of him will encourage him to take that step. I just want you to remember, if he doesn't want to do it, it has nothing to do with you.
As far as the disease being treatable, I read on another post about addicts choosing to do drugs and throwing away everyone and everything, and it really made me thinking. All I can tell you is, yes, I chose to do the drug initially, but I didn't choose to be an addict. I even knew I had addictive tendencies but thought I was smart enough to not get caught up in it.
When I was actively using, I didn't stop loving the people in my life. But the pull of the drugs was so strong and I felt so bad about myself, that I just kept numbing my feelings and figured I would deal with it later.
Most addicts I know, who go into recovery, have to get beaten down to the point where the bad outweighs the good. For some it's getting locked up, others have run off all the enablers (or are about to), and unfortunately, some never get to that point.
As far as the disease excusing the behavior - I agree with you, but it's hard to explain. I am totally disgusted with things I did when I was active, but I know that thinking logically, while on dope, was totally impossible. It's not an excuse, but it is a fact. When people ask me "how could you do that?" my only answer is because when you're high, you don't think rationally.
I totally understand you wanting to give it one more shot, and after your last post I agree with you. You've thought it through and as long as you keep taking care of you as a priority, I wish you luck. I think if you don't do it, you will be second-guessing yourself for the rest of your life.
Just remember what you said...it is treatable and he is the only one who can do anything about it. If he keeps using, then it's on him. Stepping back doesn't mean you don't love him...I still love my XABF. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about what he's doing, who he's doing it with, hiding my money, and in short...losing my sanity.
I'm sorry this was so long, but you brought up some really good points. Do whatever you feel is best FOR YOU and keep me posted.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I totally understand you wanting to understand this, not just accept it. Even though I'm a recovering addict, I couldn't understand how I was so stupid to get where I got to!
I'm not saying intervention is wrong. Actually, it sounds like you've made a boundary by planning to go back to NY. I think the hardest thing would be to not have any expectations. Like I said, if he is ready to get clean he will, and maybe knowing that you aren't going to step in and take care of him will encourage him to take that step. I just want you to remember, if he doesn't want to do it, it has nothing to do with you.
As far as the disease being treatable, I read on another post about addicts choosing to do drugs and throwing away everyone and everything, and it really made me thinking. All I can tell you is, yes, I chose to do the drug initially, but I didn't choose to be an addict. I even knew I had addictive tendencies but thought I was smart enough to not get caught up in it.
When I was actively using, I didn't stop loving the people in my life. But the pull of the drugs was so strong and I felt so bad about myself, that I just kept numbing my feelings and figured I would deal with it later.
Most addicts I know, who go into recovery, have to get beaten down to the point where the bad outweighs the good. For some it's getting locked up, others have run off all the enablers (or are about to), and unfortunately, some never get to that point.
As far as the disease excusing the behavior - I agree with you, but it's hard to explain. I am totally disgusted with things I did when I was active, but I know that thinking logically, while on dope, was totally impossible. It's not an excuse, but it is a fact. When people ask me "how could you do that?" my only answer is because when you're high, you don't think rationally.
I totally understand you wanting to give it one more shot, and after your last post I agree with you. You've thought it through and as long as you keep taking care of you as a priority, I wish you luck. I think if you don't do it, you will be second-guessing yourself for the rest of your life.
Just remember what you said...it is treatable and he is the only one who can do anything about it. If he keeps using, then it's on him. Stepping back doesn't mean you don't love him...I still love my XABF. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying about what he's doing, who he's doing it with, hiding my money, and in short...losing my sanity.
I'm sorry this was so long, but you brought up some really good points. Do whatever you feel is best FOR YOU and keep me posted.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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