Techie1701

I've tried looking for my old post, but I can't seem to use the search function, so I'm posting new. I hope that's OK.

DH has not been drinking for two weeks, until this weekend when he was drinking Friday and Saturday night. He didn't drink a whole lot, he sat up for a few hours drinking and watching TV. I woke him up when the kids woke on Saturday as I had a migraine and wasn't able for them on my own, but let him sleep in to 9 on Sunday (with young kids that's a sleep in!).

I found by Sunday I was OK while he was asleep, but not able to plan anything when he was up. I was furious with him, but didn't know how to say it. I was expecting him to plan out the day, sort out the shopping and cooking, but didn't say it to him. He didn't drink Sunday night, but I spent the evening surfing the internet, not wanting to talk to him, or to do anything constructive. I'm beginning to realise that when he drinks I react by doing something self destructive. Not very self destructive, but reading/watching TV/surfing the internet (maily parenting sites and money managing sites). This has been my reaction to difficult times for years, I'm just realising how unhelpfull it is.

In spite of the fact that he isn't a 'bad' alcoholic, I'm not sure how much of this I can take. The sound of the tab opening on a can of soda gives me palpitations.

Pilgrim

Hi Techie. I am not sure if you are in Alanon yet but it sounds like it might be the place for you.

I remember the fear of that sound.

In recovery, I have realised that I have no power over whether or not my partner drinks. I only have power over me.

One other thing I learnt in recovery is that expectation is a resentment in waiting.

A resentment will cause us to get sick. It allows us to move away from our own inner guide.

ICU

Welcome to SR Techie!

I used to handle things that way with my now 'ex', and to be perfectly honest, with many other people in my life where alcholism wasn't even an issue. Somehow I 'expected people to read my mind...and what my wants and needs were'! I ALWAYS was disappointed!

Since then I've learned to ask for what I want and need. That way there can be no misunderstanding. If I don't get what I want and need after I ask for it, then, that's something else that needs to be looked at further.

Well, I don't know, you found 'us' while surfing the internet! Hopefully you will find this place helpful! Personally, I wouldn't call what you have described above as self-destructive...perhaps a temporary 'relief' or 'escape' kind of thing instead. We all need a little relief from time to time.

Perhaps while you're surfing on the internet, you might go to the Alanon site and find meeting times and locations in your area. THAT would be a very helpful thing for you to consider.

Yeah, I remember that feeling too. For me though it was more the sound of the freezer door being opened as that's where my ex stored his vodka! Same feeling though!

Read the threads here and the ones in the stickies at the top of the forum. There's loads of useful information here.

Keep coming back!

Techie1701

Pilgrim and ICU, thank you for taking the time to reply .

Pilgrim, I know I need to go to something like alanon. I have contacted a counsellor I've seen before, and I'm trying to arrange a time to see her. There are two alanon meetings tonight, I just need to pull myself together and go. I've been to alanon before, but didn't get much out of them. However, that was (I think) 5 years ago. I know that I have no power over whether or not he drinks, I just don't believe it yet, IYKWIM.

ICU, yep, I realise I'm being very silly, and I dislike dealing with someone in such a dishonest way, but I can't seem to stop. So I guess I need help! On the slelf destructive thing, I'm fairly careful to 'surf' usefull sites, and I have gained a lot from them over the years, but it's the way I'm reading them. For example, I've been lurking here a lot, reading most of the posts, but paying attention to the crisis ones. I've never been in a crisis, the drinking I'm dealing with has crept up slowly over the years, to the extent I've often wondered is it just my problem, and when I discussed it with a friend, she thought I was overreacting (she said it in a nice way!) as her father had gone to the pub most evenings, so she thought drinking at home was fine. None of this helps my own problem, it just leaves me somewhere between thinking that I've never had it as bad as some people, and being scared that it will get that bad, so that I over react. I'm sorry, I'm not describing this well.

I am slowly beginning to realise what's wrong. What I haven't reached is realising what I should/shouldn't and can/can't do about it.

prodigal

No, you don't have to pull yourself together to go. On the contrary. If you're a mess, then you should by all means go. You're dealing with a stressful situation in a perfectly normal way: you're stressed out. Don't wait to get yourself together to get into Al-Anon. If I'd waited for that to happen, I'd never had crawled into one of those rooms. You have no power over his drinking, true. Give it time for that to sink in. When you start attending meetings, get a sponsor, and start working a program, you'll begin to understand on a deeper level that the only thing you can control is yourself.

That's the only way we get better. It's the same for the A in your life. He will not get better unless he decides to seek recovery. It's a very personal decision that each one of us makes. I'm speaking from my own personal experience here, and I want to assure you that when I first attended Al-Anon back in 1996, I kept going to meetings and could not for the life of me figure out what the heck all those people were discussing! I wasn't getting it. Why couldn't they just show me or teach me how to make the A in my life see the light???? After all, if he got better, life would straighten out for me too. NOT!!

It was by some miracle that in 2004, after falling out of the program for a number of years, that I finally got it. Al-Anon was there for ME, for MY recovery, and for MY own sanity.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and I've said it many times on this board: IT IS AN EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY DESTROYER. It will take every family member down if they allow it to do so. Believe me, I've walked the walk having been married to TWO A's. (Gee, I really didn't get it the first time I attended meetings, did I???)

I am married to an A who is exhibiting all the symptoms of the final stage of the disease. This is like watching a train wreck in slow motion. If it wasn't for my faith and a sponsor who supports me, I'd be in the looney bin by now.

Please give Al-Anon another try. We're all here to support you, but face-to-face meetings can really help you cope with your stressful situation.

tollbooth

Same thing for me, but its the popping of a cork on a bottle of red wine!!! My XAGF has this thing called a "Rabbit" that decorked a wine bottle like a pair of pliers. She could work that thing like a NASCAR pit chief works an airgun wrench!

Anyways, thanks for your memory jogger Techi!!!

I made a thread about going to my firsrt al-anon meeting a few days ago. Maybe take a peek at it. I couldnt find a local meeting last night or tonight, close enough where I live. And I would really like to attend one now. I think it will be a good place for myself, and I recommend at least giving it a try. Good luck to you.

bboop

because he is your significant other and you're human.