tollbooth

I'm not sure yet if Al-Anon is what I need, or rather, I need validation from others that I am right for Al-Anon.

Dated an alcoholic GF for 4 years, but stopped seeing her around 6 months ago. I couldnt take her drinking episodes any longer. We remained friendly and kept telephone/emails with eachother. Lately she had increased her calling frequency, and I was starting to feel she was making a move towards wanting to get back with me. I will admit that I am still in love with her. All during the past 6 months I would tell her my encounters with other woman, who I was interested in dating, what the prospects for me were, etc. All the while, I would ask her if she was dating, who she was seeing, etc. She said nobody. Never once mentioned seeing any other people.

So the other night she calls, and we spoke for 3 hours. Then I said goodnight, and she started to cry. I asked whats the matter? She said "My last boyfriend proposed to me and I'm moving in at the end of the month".

Devastation and heartbreak ensued.

Well, so much for that being a 2-way relationship!

Okay, so now I am saying to myself: "Alcoholism is still affecting my life in a negative way, even after I have physically removed myself from its presence. I'm still hurting from it's affects"

While we were dating, I considered starting the Al-Anon program myself, to see if it could help. She denies being A, in spite of 2 DWI's and countless violent blackout episodes and refused to work any program other then what had been forced on her by the courts for the DWI's (which she is no longer required to attend). So, after this latest incident, I talked myself into going last night.

Small turnout at the meeting, but all made me feel welcomed and I enjoyed it. But I couldnt help feeling that my experience is somehow less "valid" than theirs.

My rationale for attending is if you had an alcoholic family member or spouse who had died, moved away, divorced, or become estranged from you, you still need the recovery from the effects of alcoholism even though they are no longer physically in your life.

The counter-point is that I might just be heartbroken, and looking for a consoling ear?

Thank you for reading my first post on SR.

Barbara52

Sure AlAnon is still for you. As you said you are still working on understanding how your ex GF affected you and how to recover from your own behaviors.

Sure part of what is going on is being heartbroken.

But there is nothing wrong with seeking help where ever it might be available.

DesertEyes

Hi there tollbooth, and welcome to SoberRecovery

_Four_ years??? Wow, tollbooth, healthy people would walk away in about 4 minutes. That definetly qualifies you for al-anon. I did about the same number of years with my ex, and I definetly qualify.

Pardon me if I misunderstand, but if you're telling her about your encounters with other woman you're still in a relationship. I've done that kind of "not-dating" dating thing too. Relationships are like pregnancy, you either are or you're not. People like me who have "not-dating" relationships qualify for al-anon.

If your life has been affected by somebody else's addiction then you qualify. From what you have shared you are _still_ being affected by your relationship with an alkie. If it's not too forward of me, do you have any other addicts in your life such as parents, grandparents? It's very common for us alanoids to have more than one "qualifier". I have several.

You may have that need _also_. Being heartbroken and needing a consoling ear does not eliminate you from being a member of al-anon.

From the few paragraphs you have shared it sounds to me like you are quite welcome to join us. The people at that one meeting seem to think the same. You might want to try a few more meetings before you make up your mind. In the meantime, browse around here a bit, especialy the "sticky" posts at the top. See if it starts to make sense.

Welcome again.

Mike

Spiritual Seeker

I have worked the 12 steps through alanon and they changed my life in a way that has improved all of my relationships and made me better. It will teach you how to Stop taking her inventory (or any one elses) and start taking your own. They are really a guide for living. give them a try you will be amazed

tollbooth

Thanks to all of you for the affirmative replies. You have clearly given me the acceptance I was inquiring about, as did the people I met at the meeting.

Mike (deserteyes), cant say that I think there are other people in my life that have addictions. At least no people who I regularly involve myself with. They are there, but I keep my distance from them.

I'm still a newbie at understanding alcoholism and its influences on my life. I'm sure I made some textbook mistakes in dealing with it.

The saying "Love Conquers All" just popped into my mind. Whoever coined that phrase obviously didnt have an alkie in mind when they wrote it

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, tollbooth - keep posting! blessings, k

HKAngel24

Tollbooth -

I think alot of people have that feeling regarding Al-Anon - the question of whether or not they belong due to the ALO in their life.
My bf is an addict and occasionally abused alcohol, so I had a hard time feeling entirely validated in the Al-Anon groups - but I believe it's more so our behaviors and our current unmanagability of life that really matters. From what I know about the program up until this point, it has been nothing but accepting.

ARealLady

Hello, Tollbooth, and welcome to SR. Thank you very much for posting this question about whether or not you "qualify" for Alanon. Much of your story applies to my own situation. I thought that since XABF (almost four years there too!) had been consigned to his own life, I was on my way to healing myself and, yes, many things are good in my life, if not better. However, I know that there are triggers out there which start churning up the memories and creating more emotional drama for me....I want to learn how to stop letting them have power over me. Another thing which has been mentioned in this thread is "inventory"....I need to be able to rely on myself and stop questionning whether what I see in others is right for me.

Result? I am now looking for Alanon meetings in my area. No addictions in my family of origin either.

ARL

CBrown

She said nobody. Never once mentioned seeing any other people.

Been there on that one too! My XABF disappeared on me in Feb. 05, and we had a couple "how have you been" conversations the following year. The first was in the morning when he was sober. The second was right after lunch and he made zero sense. I cried after it was over, thinking he had lost his mind. He was probably wasted. Neither time did he tell me that he was seeing anyone, and I didn't ask. The third conversation (all were about a month apart), was even more bizarre. He claimed he didn't know me, said more things that barely made sense, then abruptly said "I want you to meet the most wonderful woman in the world." He put his current GF on the phone and it was the most awkward two minutes on the phone I've ever had.

Welcome to the life of an alcoholic. It makes zero sense, it is chaotic, insane, manic, destructive, and heartbreaking. They will take you down without qualms, lie, steal, cheat, manipulate ... um, what horrific traits am I missing?

Tollbooth, I encourage you to go to Alanon. But don't settle for the first one you find. I went to a similar program called Celebrate Recovery last week, and I just love that it is strongly faith and purpose based.

Trust me, if you have an A in your life, you need a lot of support! Good luck to you!

tollbooth

That pretty much sums it up for me. And as DesertEyes made mention, I have issues myself for hanging around an AGF for 4 minutes, let alone 4 years!!!

Thanks again to all for the great responses.

tollbooth

Instead of starting a new thread, I'll just bring mine back to the top.

I probably wont be able to make my next al-anon meeting for at least three more weeks due to schedule conflicts. There is another group near me tonight, so if I shuffle things around, might make it.

But the reason for todays post is I'm looking for a little strength for myself to make it through the day without contacting the XAGF.

Mailed her an envelope a few days ago with some items I had saved from our relationship that really belonged to her, not me (stuff from her fathers funeral that I drove her to years ago - she was under licsense suspension from DWI #2, but regardless I would have been there with her anyways). So last night she sent me a couple text messages thanking me for it. She might be an alcoholic, but at least she has manners!

Well, it took a lot of willpower to not pick up the telephone and call her or send an email. This past week has been a mind-numbing experience with tons of obsessing over her,and the status of my relationship to her. I made it through the night, or so I thought. Then I woke up in the middle of sleeping from a really weird dream involving her and her new "fiance/move-in partner" (I'm not into dream interpretation, so I'll skip the details. But suffice it to say, she's still haunting me even in my dreams!)

So, if anyone can offer some suggestions or ideas to help me make it through another day trying to pull away from her icy strangelhold, it would be much appreciated.


- I have been tempted to post almost everything that comes across my mind to this forum, you all have been great help to me in dealing. But I dont want to become a