Please help me figure out what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Longmont, CO
Posts: 1
Please help me figure out what to do
Hello all. Thank you for thaking the time to read this.
I am a 43 year old married man being torn apart by so many different things in my family, that I can't seem to focus on one general direction to go to start getting the life of my family back in order.
I have a 9 year old son who is the greatest. I myself do not drink, smoke, use any drugs, etc...
My difficulty is in dealing with circumstances surrounding my wife. She is 39, and loves our son dearly. However, I feel she is quite addicted to Oxycodone.
She started taking this drug in December when she was experiencing severe pain associated with a bowel obstruction. Following surgery, she had painful bouts with adhesions forming, and has remained on the drugs throughout all this time.
Her last surgery was 3 weeks ago. The surgeone did not feel that he saw any reason for her contnued pain, and suspects much of her pain is from her addiction to oxycodone. This was a comment that caused her to "pop-her-cork", and now she hates that doctor.
Following surgery, her primary care doctor suggested a course of "weaning-off" these drugs over a 45 day period. It seemed like my wife had all the intentions in the world of following the program perfectly.
She started the program taking 3 - 15mg Oxycodone tablets 5 times a day (225mg/day), which was a little less than what she was taking prior to the last surgery. This morning we determined that she is short nearly 50 tablets, and she will run out tomorrow. She insists she did not take them, and says that the pharmacy must have filled her short, or that I misplaced them, etc...
The dosages she's been taking are absolutely incredible, especially for a 120 pound woman. She has lost over 40pounds, always looks weak & pale, has a raspy voice (smokers voice, but she doesn't smoke), and is abusive, demanding, and an overall unpleasant person to be around.
For months, her life has revolved around her pills. I am so tired of this.
Most of her friends have left her. She has run off many of our employees, and is getting close to running me off.
To complicate things, she suffers from severe depression (has a strong family history on both sides of her family), and is my business partner - whom I cannot run this business without.
She has made it very clear, that I am to support her in all that she does, always!, and if I cannot, then I should get lost.
Well, this morning when she discovered she'll run out of pills on the weekend, she told me to call her doctor and make an appointment, then meet her for that appointment to explain to the doctor why her pills are missing (I lost them, or something stupid like that). Later in the day, she called and said I didn't need to go, and she'd be OK. She came home a couple hours later, and hasn't said but a couple 'short' sentences to me. It looks from her credit card records that she did not get a prescription for more pills, and I'm sure she is blaming it all on me. She won't say what the doctor said, but in any case, It looks like it's all my fault again.
Now what do I do?? what do I do when her withdrawals set in? How do I respond to the upcoming verbal abuse. What about my son? She's one of those people who is always right, and can never admit a mistake, or even say she's sorry.
I cannot leave the house - as I'm responsible for 70+ horses here and overseeing the employees. (she no longer does any work, just lays in bed). I feel sick.
I'll type more later. I can't think straight now.
Thanks for reading...
I am a 43 year old married man being torn apart by so many different things in my family, that I can't seem to focus on one general direction to go to start getting the life of my family back in order.
I have a 9 year old son who is the greatest. I myself do not drink, smoke, use any drugs, etc...
My difficulty is in dealing with circumstances surrounding my wife. She is 39, and loves our son dearly. However, I feel she is quite addicted to Oxycodone.
She started taking this drug in December when she was experiencing severe pain associated with a bowel obstruction. Following surgery, she had painful bouts with adhesions forming, and has remained on the drugs throughout all this time.
Her last surgery was 3 weeks ago. The surgeone did not feel that he saw any reason for her contnued pain, and suspects much of her pain is from her addiction to oxycodone. This was a comment that caused her to "pop-her-cork", and now she hates that doctor.
Following surgery, her primary care doctor suggested a course of "weaning-off" these drugs over a 45 day period. It seemed like my wife had all the intentions in the world of following the program perfectly.
She started the program taking 3 - 15mg Oxycodone tablets 5 times a day (225mg/day), which was a little less than what she was taking prior to the last surgery. This morning we determined that she is short nearly 50 tablets, and she will run out tomorrow. She insists she did not take them, and says that the pharmacy must have filled her short, or that I misplaced them, etc...
The dosages she's been taking are absolutely incredible, especially for a 120 pound woman. She has lost over 40pounds, always looks weak & pale, has a raspy voice (smokers voice, but she doesn't smoke), and is abusive, demanding, and an overall unpleasant person to be around.
For months, her life has revolved around her pills. I am so tired of this.
Most of her friends have left her. She has run off many of our employees, and is getting close to running me off.
To complicate things, she suffers from severe depression (has a strong family history on both sides of her family), and is my business partner - whom I cannot run this business without.
She has made it very clear, that I am to support her in all that she does, always!, and if I cannot, then I should get lost.
Well, this morning when she discovered she'll run out of pills on the weekend, she told me to call her doctor and make an appointment, then meet her for that appointment to explain to the doctor why her pills are missing (I lost them, or something stupid like that). Later in the day, she called and said I didn't need to go, and she'd be OK. She came home a couple hours later, and hasn't said but a couple 'short' sentences to me. It looks from her credit card records that she did not get a prescription for more pills, and I'm sure she is blaming it all on me. She won't say what the doctor said, but in any case, It looks like it's all my fault again.
Now what do I do?? what do I do when her withdrawals set in? How do I respond to the upcoming verbal abuse. What about my son? She's one of those people who is always right, and can never admit a mistake, or even say she's sorry.
I cannot leave the house - as I'm responsible for 70+ horses here and overseeing the employees. (she no longer does any work, just lays in bed). I feel sick.
I'll type more later. I can't think straight now.
Thanks for reading...
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Hi Done with it,
Wow! It can be pretty crazy and stressful can't it? When someone we love spins out of control? It can take us along on the ride if we let it. You are among friends. People who understand that it's so hard in the beginning to know what to do. what is helping and what is trying to control the situation, and what is enabling?
Addiction is a very powerful problem. Please see all the stickys above the posts. But I will weigh in just a little. An addict will blame someone else. almost always! so don't take it personally. Because blaming themselves and taking responsiblity is the first step in recovery and they are not there yet. I know that thats my son's MO. I know you are coming here to try and help her but believe me when I say you need to help yourself first. I have met many people who focused on themselves instead of the addict, and regained their sanity. this sanity acted like a magnet for the addict. they wanted that sanity for themelves and began to look for help. But even if your wife doesn't want help, you will need it to survive this for you and your son.
Read the sticky about codependency. lots of good advice for the road ahead. Keep coming back here and read past posts on similar problems. this helped me lots.
anyways, people here care and its a safe place from the storm. Prayers for you.
Wow! It can be pretty crazy and stressful can't it? When someone we love spins out of control? It can take us along on the ride if we let it. You are among friends. People who understand that it's so hard in the beginning to know what to do. what is helping and what is trying to control the situation, and what is enabling?
Addiction is a very powerful problem. Please see all the stickys above the posts. But I will weigh in just a little. An addict will blame someone else. almost always! so don't take it personally. Because blaming themselves and taking responsiblity is the first step in recovery and they are not there yet. I know that thats my son's MO. I know you are coming here to try and help her but believe me when I say you need to help yourself first. I have met many people who focused on themselves instead of the addict, and regained their sanity. this sanity acted like a magnet for the addict. they wanted that sanity for themelves and began to look for help. But even if your wife doesn't want help, you will need it to survive this for you and your son.
Read the sticky about codependency. lots of good advice for the road ahead. Keep coming back here and read past posts on similar problems. this helped me lots.
anyways, people here care and its a safe place from the storm. Prayers for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Welcome to SR. You have found a great place for support. I am a mother of an addict. What your wife is doing is what most addicts do. You have to do everything you can to take care of you and your son. Let him work with you, just keep him away from his mom as much as you can. I know easier said than done. Please attend face to face meetings, Nar-Anon Al-Anon.
Remeber the 3 c's
1. YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT
2. YOU CAN NOT CONTROL IT
3. YOU CAN NOT CURE IT
Your wife will need to want to get help for herself and it does not seem like she is ready. Sorry to say.
More people will be here soon to help.
Hugs coming your way along with prayers for you and your family
Remeber the 3 c's
1. YOU DID NOT CAUSE IT
2. YOU CAN NOT CONTROL IT
3. YOU CAN NOT CURE IT
Your wife will need to want to get help for herself and it does not seem like she is ready. Sorry to say.
More people will be here soon to help.
Hugs coming your way along with prayers for you and your family
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Wow, sorry for the chaos. Is there some family nearby that could have some influence? You need to decide what is right for you. Addicts make us feel crazy by making us question ourselves (missing pills). My son stole money from me so often that I thought I was nuts. The best thing for him was when I confronted him and made him face up to what he did. But that took counseling and outsiders to make the point finally. The hardest thing to do is to step out of the denial. But it is the best thing for your addict. Hang in there. One day at a time.
krhea
krhea
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
Bosco,
I'm Linda and the mother of a 25 yo addicted son. I've been here since Oct. 2005 for my own recovery from codependency.
I'm very sorry for what is going on in the lives of the people that you love and care about. Addiction does that.
You've come to a good place for support and feedback.
If you want to make this work because you love your wife, there are many options out there. Face to face meetings with other codependents (alanon/naranon) is a good start. Reading what you can about addiction and recovery. Offering her the chance to get well by going into a rehabilitation facility and starting a recovery program for addiction to drugs. This is all based on the fact that she is ready to stop the drug use.
See, my son took 5 years to finally make a change, and only then, because I had him arrested for stealing from my home. I was desperate to save him, so whatever it took, I was gonna do it. He spent time in jail and kicked his heroin addiction.
Only to come home, thinking that a beer every now and then would be fine.
Doesn't work that way, does it?
Once I took the focus off of him and started looking at me and what needed changing in myself, did I realize I was a codie.
It doesn't stop the addict, but it helps in the way we deal with, live with, and love them. Sometimes, just stepping back and letting a HP (Higher Power) have control over our lives, do we actually start to feel better.
Hence the saying, "Let Go, Let God."
I hope you can.
Keep coming back to share and get the support and understanding from folks who know what your going through.
You, your son, and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers.
A new sr friend,
I'm Linda and the mother of a 25 yo addicted son. I've been here since Oct. 2005 for my own recovery from codependency. I'm very sorry for what is going on in the lives of the people that you love and care about. Addiction does that.
You've come to a good place for support and feedback.
If you want to make this work because you love your wife, there are many options out there. Face to face meetings with other codependents (alanon/naranon) is a good start. Reading what you can about addiction and recovery. Offering her the chance to get well by going into a rehabilitation facility and starting a recovery program for addiction to drugs. This is all based on the fact that she is ready to stop the drug use.
See, my son took 5 years to finally make a change, and only then, because I had him arrested for stealing from my home. I was desperate to save him, so whatever it took, I was gonna do it. He spent time in jail and kicked his heroin addiction.
Only to come home, thinking that a beer every now and then would be fine.
Doesn't work that way, does it?
Once I took the focus off of him and started looking at me and what needed changing in myself, did I realize I was a codie.
It doesn't stop the addict, but it helps in the way we deal with, live with, and love them. Sometimes, just stepping back and letting a HP (Higher Power) have control over our lives, do we actually start to feel better.
Hence the saying, "Let Go, Let God."
I hope you can.
Keep coming back to share and get the support and understanding from folks who know what your going through.
You, your son, and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers.
A new sr friend,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 285
Welcome to Sr. Sorry about the circumstances though. My son is the addict in my life. He's 22. He was also addicted to opiates for about 4 years. He's in recovery right now, but we're taking it one day at a time. He's relapsed a couple of times, but really wants to stop using. Your right about the personality of an addict, their miserable to be around and they lie and steal. Hopefully she'll want to get into a rehab soon for your family's sake. I pray for you and your son that she gets help soon.
Lots of great advice and understanding and wonderful people on this site. Keep reading.
Lots of great advice and understanding and wonderful people on this site. Keep reading.
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