I'm new here

Old 05-31-2003, 07:49 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
with-agape
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
I'm new here

hi
My name is Jessica and I'm 20 years old. I really don't know why that I came here. I just feel so much pain right now and I needed to share it with people who actually understand me. My father is an alcoholic. He has been a heavy drinker for the past 13 years or so. About two years ago he tried to quit, and succeeded for about 9 months or so, and then started right back up. Since then it's been an off again on again ordeal. Right now it is unfortunately "on again". Today, he and my mother had a huge fight. It even became physical. Which, a few years ago, was something that I never would have even imagined would have happened in my home. We are a loving family. But, when my father drinks, I am fully convinced that he becomes a "demon" like creature that either lacks any love or compassion on my mother and I , or can't stop telling us just how much he loves us. Along with the alcoholism, my father is mentally ill. Mostly because of experiences he went through during childhood. He convinces himself that my mother has affairs with any and every man that she works with. Although my father is the only one that has been unfaithful in their marriage. He has cheated on her more times than I can count. MY mother and I cannot talk to each other privately when he's drinking because of his extreme paranoia that we'll mention him in our conversation. We have to hide our car keys everytime he drinks for fear that he'll try to take our vehicles away from him if there's a chance that we'll actually try and leave. Although he has went to counseling a few times before. He refuses to find any serious help with any of these problems and has the "I'll fix it myself" attitude. I just can't believe that I live in a home like this. A home where there is so much love and so much hate all at the same time. I am exhausted with living each day wondering whether he'll drink, or if he does drink, whether he'll start something with my mother and I . To top it all off, my father is wonderful singer and performer. He also puts on a glorious mask of charm and kindness. Because of this, anyone he sings or performs for practically worships the ground he walks on and badgers me to death about why I don't spend more time with him, or play any music with him. But when he's drinking, I'd cannot even stand to look at him, let alone talk to him or play music with him. I'm so sick of living like this. I just need someone to understand me.
 
Old 05-31-2003, 08:03 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
~Author of My Life~
 
2stop's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Doing what I thought I couldn't....
Posts: 4,796
Welcome to SR Jessica,

I am 31 now and married with my own kids but I have never forgotten the daily struggle to stay sane while a parent was so out of control and self-destructive. I know this very difficult for you and I feel your pain. I am saying a prayer for you right now. I know what you mean by them being so charming to others and they have no idea what you go through. My dad had the chief of police wrapped around his finger and every time we had to call the cops because he had destroyed the house and was threatening to hurt evrybody the cops would always say, just calm down, we'll have to arrest you next time--next time came and same conversation. My dad didn't drink it was prescription pills, but my friends who had alcoholic dads said it was just like their dad's behaviour. Well you just keep on posting here, there are so many who will care and support you and offer better advice than I, just wanted to let you know your post touched me and I care.

Many hugs and hope too,
Tammie
2stop is offline  
Old 05-31-2003, 09:28 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
believer
 
journeygal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Hi Jessica and welcome to the boards!

I also grew up with an alcoholic father. I know very well the paranoia and self-absorbtion that you spoke of. My dad drank during all of my childhood and finally went into recovery when I was 21...but I was long gone by then! I couldn't take living at home anymore and dealing with him and his drinking.

Unfortunately, your father has to realize for himself that he has a problem and only he can decide when enough is enough. Meanwhile, have you tried any al-anon or ACoA meetings? It might help to be around people who understand what you're going through.

You might also want to check out our al-anon forum. Many people here can relate to your situation from their own personal experiences. I hope you keep coming back and posting!

Hugs,
JG
journeygal is offline  
Old 05-31-2003, 09:57 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
JT
Supply Manager
 
JT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome,

I too grew up with an alcoholic father and I feel as tho I was forced to move out at 18. My dad was and still is a very charming individual, as are most alcoholics.

Let me let you in on a little secret. You are at risk for repeating a similar relationship in your adult years. I married 2 alcoholics and my son is an alcoholic. That is why I would recommend learning about the family aspects of addiction. Alanon is a good place to start, ACOA is too. There is alot of reading out there at your bookstores and at the library.

Also as you begin to learn perhaps you could share with your mother. It sounds like you are close.

Hugs,
JT
JT is offline  
Old 06-01-2003, 07:50 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
with-agape
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
thank you everyone.....I have went to an Al-anon meeting before...and I have also went to a counselor a few times....The Al-anon meeting was a bit too much for me. There were no children of alcoholics there, and everyone was just so sad. They cried and cried. When I left, I felt worse about my life. The counselor didn't work out very well either. You see, when my boyfriend was 13 he lost his father tragically. His mother died when he was a young baby. He was turned over to the care of an emotionally abusive aunt whose behavior and negative attitudes eventually turned him towards drugs. He was trying to escape the pain. He never became addicted to these drugs however. But, he was just trying to die. About a year after this, he moved here where I live to stay with his grandmother. He became a Christian, and instantly dropped the drugs and for 6 years now has been completely clean and amazingly joyful. When I told the counselor this she said, "Isn't it funny how that you chose someone addicted to drugs like your father is to alcohol?" I got so angry with her. My boyfriend(I've been with him for four years) has been my sole source of comfort for these past years with my father. He is completely devoted to his mission to spread the word of God and to taking care of me. To hear someone infer that the person I am with is "bad" for me, when of all people he has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, completely turned me off from her. I haven't been back since. So.....in short counseling and Al-anon meetings have not helped. That's why I'm here.
 
Old 06-01-2003, 08:40 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Gypsygirlmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Climbing outa da Black Hole
Posts: 146
Welcome Jessica!

My father also was an alcoholic. He took his own life before I was old enough to know how to take care of myself. I hope you will maybe try another meeting if possible. Sometimes we may go to a meeting and it just happens that everyone is having a bad time. Other times can be very uplifting. This is why they say to try at least 6 meetings before you decide if it is right for you.

I don't know if your boyfriend is addicted or not. If so, then it sounds like he is doing very well taking care of himself and being so supportive of you. I honestly don't think that your councelor meant to say he is "bad". Someone with a drug or alcohol problem is not a bad person. They have an illness, they may do bad things, but they, themselves, are not bad. Like JT had said tho, we are at a high risk of repeating the relationships in our adult life. My husband is an addict. If I look back at previous relationships, they all were or were heading towards chemical addiction tendancies. Not to say that is the case with your boyfriend, just seems to be the norm.
Gypsygirlmom is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:23 PM.