gypsyrose

Night before last, I heard some noise outside. Woke up AH to investigate with one if his many flashlights (quirky flashlight obssession). His pig head has gone missing. One he brought back from his last hunting trip. We've been watching nature have it's way with it for a month and now it's disappeared. The whole family is disappointed. I know, we're a quirky family.

Last night AH said not to wake him up when the wind starts blowing. I asked him, didn't he want to protect us from things that went bump in the night. He responded, "Is that all I'm good for?" I said "pretty much." I told him I'd use him for his body if I wasn't afraid of getting poked by his sharp porcupine quills. I'm not allowed to be grateful for his supporting our family or to compliment him for anything else for that matter. It just seems to make him mad. What doesn't? Is this depression? Dry drunk syndrome? Pills? Too much stress at work? Whatever it is, his behavior has been not only hostile but odd. I hope a psychiatrist can sort him out.

Sometimes when he's gone through one of his moods, he's accused me of just using him for his money. I've reponded, "Then give me another reason."

We all "use" each other for whatever the other has to offer... friendship, sex, someone to raise our children, someone to snake out the toilet when it gets clogged... someone to share our feelings with like here at SR.

I'm not interested in working on toilet snaking skills, yuck. And he seems to have similar feelings regarding working on being any more pleasant to be around than a school yard bully. He dosn't have it to offer. I know he's sick right now and can't even think about being a nice person... any more than I could entertain thoughts of winning an olympic gold in gymnastics... just not physically possible. I repeat myself... I hope a psychiatrist can sort him out.

Pick-a-name

I think it is the alcoholism and what it does to the whole system....actively drinking or not at "that moment",the damage is felt. I've really been aware of it in exAH several times recently. Little things throw him into a tizzy....and so quickly. I can hear it in his voice,too. And it isn't about me,either. For instance,yesterday I was having trouble with our old furnace that was causing water to leak out of some of the older radiators and I finally emailed/texted him to ask where the water shutoff was,since he took care of that for the past 20yrs here. He called immediately and told me...stressed,I can kinda understand if he was interrupted at work (why I didn't call) but I thought,surely he won't call the plumbers and yell at them to get over here,etc......he did! He was insensed that I had called them earlier and I was still waiting for them. Just one little weird example.

I used to think it was "me".....I don't any more.

Actually, it made me feel sad for him to be so on edge like that lately...I can see it more and more in his eyes and hear the edge in his voice. And I am sure he drinks for "relief" from it.....like all A's do and the cycle continues.

Sorry you feel the resentment......being first in line for the dumping of it. Try to side-step it!

LaTeeDa

I used to get so frustrated when I would need something done, something "manly," and my husband would either a)say he would get around to it and never did, b) do it but gripe about having to do it, or c) not do it at all. It's so frustrating to have a so-called "partner" who cannot be counted on. And, after we separated, the fear was almost overwhelming when things would come up that I didn't know how to handle. It was so scary to be on my own with no one to rescue me.

Since then I have:

Installed a dead bolt and new locksets on all my exterior doors.
Installed a new hand-held shower head in the master bath.
Unclogged a bathroom sink drain. (eww, yuck)
Jump started my car all by myself when the battery was dead.
Chopped kindling for my woodstove. (do this weekly now)
Installed a shower adapter and shower curtain rod in the guest bath.
Repaired the fence several times (damn dogs!)

I'm sure there's more but the point is that all the things on this list are things that I thought I needed someone else to do for me. And I was counting on someone undependable to do them. It sucked and it hurt every time I counted on him and he let me down. It was very scary to learn and attempt most of these things on my own, but WOW! It was so empowering to do them! I cannot tell you how good it felt to take care of myself. And to know that I will be okay, even without someone there to take care of me.

L

gypsyrose

L

Eeew! Yuck! I know your sink drain pain. Unclogging a sink drain permanently cured me of wanting to do my own plumbing. Volumes of black uugh, dating back to the early 1900's.

Jazzman

You're makin me hot...

Seriously though... you guys have no idea how much of a turn on it is to a man to know a woman doesn't want you for just chore duty. Doesn't mean we wouldn't offer... just to know you're not helpless....

denny57

I don't.

LaTeeDa

Jazz, it works both ways. It's very freeing to be able to love someone for who they are, not what they can do for me.

L

Barbara52

You've described my marriage to a T. He didn't do diddly.

But then part of that was because I was accustomed to doing all those fix up job myself for years before I married him. I actually enjoy fixing the plumbing or patching the drywall, etc. Its a skill every woman should have I think. Its such a wonderfully fulfilling feeling to be able to tackle the toilet that won't work right or to fix that stubborn slow flowing drain. I view it as one of the small pleasures in life.

Anyone can learn the basic skill needed. And learn to recognize when a professional needs to be called in too. Its one way we can all move toward being self-sufficient.

denny57

This is actually one of my fun memories of my time with AH. I did all the hammer, nail and screwdriver stuff at our house. I love it. When I would walk by he would always say, uh oh, where are you going with that screwdriver? It became one of our favorite jokes with each other.

GiveLove

My husband doesn't know which end of the screwdriver is the business end.

But he's amazing with a vacuum.

I am the house stonemason, carpenter, and remodeler. He makes the beer, sells our extra stuff on eBay, and loves to wash cars and defoliate the yard with the weedwhacker. Got a funny thing for caulk too. Can't figure that one out.

All relationships are different . Maybe make a list of all of the household responsibiltiies (including things that go bump in the night) and you guys can take turns ticking off what you want to be responsible for.

"Things that go bump" is a joint responsibility in our house, by the way. Him because he feels he ought to, me because I'm ornery and a damn good shot (the dog helps too...he's pretty scary looking and I pity the fool who disturbs his beauty rest )

I don't use anyone either, I'm afraid. I'm in a community with a lot of folks who all contribute what they're good at, including my husband. I stay with him because together we're a team that makes things happen. If he didn't pull his weight, I'd be gone, no deal. Just my two cents. Find what you're good at and be a partnership. Decide what you're going to "use" each other for, if that suits you better

GL

Jazzman

And....
I love that I know how to do laundry, cook, clean, love to go to the grocery store. I go three and four times a week. Would rather get stuff fresh than freeze it. I sew buttons, (don't do hems) iron my own shirts, ask my neighbors wife to help me with decorating decision (don't expect me to do everything do ya?!?!)

As a matter of fact all I need a woman for is companionship and that's a cool thing if you ask me. Hats off to you gals that only need a man for companionship, (and heavy lifting).

GiveLove

Stop, you're making me hot
Tell me again about the buttons
Say it slower
j/k

Cynay

I will be one of the very first gals to admitt I "need" a man.... I can give you a million reasons I need one from fixing my car to doing that plumbing snake thing... yep tons and tons of reasons for me to need a man....

And when I need one, I just pick up the phone and buy one.... to do whatever it is I need.

The difference for me is "wanting" one and shareing with that person. There is alot to be said for doing something for another just because... not that they "cant" do it for themselves ... or that I cant do whatever for myself.... but wanting and sharing make the world a different place for me.

proudmilwife

I too am one of those women who "need" a man. but if it came down to it i'd just move back to where my bubby lives. I don't need a man for heavy lifting or to fix broken pipes or anything like that. I just need a man to "save" me when its dark, or from spiders or any kind of bug or animal really, or well pretty much just to save me if i need it. i'm scared of everything! mostly at the moment i'm scared my marriage is falling down the drain and i can't catch and fix it fast enough. this group is sooo awesome!

DesertEyes

OMG don't say that over here in Las Vegas You guys are cracking me up.

Me? Yeah I decorate my house, get the groceries, pay the bills, clean, but don't vacuum cuz my asthma can't handle it.

I don't know about the word "use", I prefer the word "cooperate". I want a partner that will cooperate with me in making our lives easier, happier and fun. I've done a little bit of dating, and have met some awesome ladies. The charmer I'm dating now comes from a family that is half marines and half bikers, so when things go bump in the night I pity the poor fool who tries to break in *lol*

I'm enjoying being single, life is wonderful regardless of my marital status. I just have to stop long enough to see that.

Mike

FormerDoormat

Not trying to make you guys hot (OK, yes, I am--I'm desperate), but last weekend I opened my garage door and my date asked, "WOW, who's toolbox is that?" (it takes up one entire wall in my 2-car garage). I proudly answered, "Mine: being a single gal for 47 years has made me resourceful and independent."

Come to think of it, maybe that wasn't the best answer. He hasn't asked me out this week. Oh well, no matter, I couldn't picture myself doing "it" with him anyway, so I'm onto the next....

gypsyrose

You can call it cooperating, sharing or whatever. My point is... we are all involved in relationships based on what we can offer or what they offer us. If nobody in the relationship has anything to offer... there's not going to be much of a relationship. I'm not just talking about chores either... a sense of humour, a shoulder to cry on, whatever. I have my own talents, he has his. I may be a pretty good shot but he's bigger, braver and more experienced with weapons than I am.

I know one of the reasons I married him was because I felt he could protect me. I didn't know that someday I'd feel I needed protecting from him.