What is my problem?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 11
What is my problem?
Hubby has been doing extremely well for over 2 months now. Not a slip, helping with the kids (he's always been a great dad), going to work every single day and doing overtime to help us get out of debt.
He even switched his shifts from afternoons to midnights to spend more time with the children. Plus, this helps with his urges since he's working during the "danger period" hours for him and he's so tired when he gets home that he actually sleeps.
So what's the problem? It's me. I still have anxiety attacks on payday.....the usual day he used to have his slips. I've gone ahead a few weeks and have made arrangements for payments so that we have no extra money for him to blow. He doesn't have access to any of our money right now (and doesn't give me any flack about it) so there is no reason for me to feel this way.
Last night, we had a doozy of a fight and that usually ends up with him having a slip. During our fight, I started having anxiety because I was afraid that he'd go out and slip. We haven't had a fight since he's been sober, it's been going that well. I made a few comments to him about his past using (which isn't fair to him...he's been doing so well and has made huge changes). I felt completely guilty while doing it but I couldn't help myself. He's doing well but i'm still left with the emotional trauma of what happened.
We are going to church religiously and I've given myself up to my HP. I attend weekly AlAnon meetings. But I still can't get over this.
What more can I do? How can I get over this? Will time heal? Am I just crazy?
I love this board for the support and I know that there are a lot of people still dealing with active addiction so I apologize for bellyaching about my problems with a sober spouse.
He even switched his shifts from afternoons to midnights to spend more time with the children. Plus, this helps with his urges since he's working during the "danger period" hours for him and he's so tired when he gets home that he actually sleeps.
So what's the problem? It's me. I still have anxiety attacks on payday.....the usual day he used to have his slips. I've gone ahead a few weeks and have made arrangements for payments so that we have no extra money for him to blow. He doesn't have access to any of our money right now (and doesn't give me any flack about it) so there is no reason for me to feel this way.
Last night, we had a doozy of a fight and that usually ends up with him having a slip. During our fight, I started having anxiety because I was afraid that he'd go out and slip. We haven't had a fight since he's been sober, it's been going that well. I made a few comments to him about his past using (which isn't fair to him...he's been doing so well and has made huge changes). I felt completely guilty while doing it but I couldn't help myself. He's doing well but i'm still left with the emotional trauma of what happened.
We are going to church religiously and I've given myself up to my HP. I attend weekly AlAnon meetings. But I still can't get over this.
What more can I do? How can I get over this? Will time heal? Am I just crazy?
I love this board for the support and I know that there are a lot of people still dealing with active addiction so I apologize for bellyaching about my problems with a sober spouse.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Although I am new to this. I was just reading a similar story in one of my MANY Al-anon literatures. And it seems VERY natural to be going through what you are. Sure I am jealous!!!
But I know in my past life experiences I can panic more when the crisis is over. When I am in the crisis I am a Take-Charge-Kinda-Gal but afterwards I fall apart because it's then that I realize all the problems, and close calls, and damage of it, and finally feel the pain of it. (If that makes since at all.?) just keep doing what you are doing. Keep handing it over to your HP. Let your husband know you are struggling in your recovery, that its your inventory not his you are dealing with, and please give yourself a break!! It is hard and risky!. you will probably feel feelings of doubt and loss of control for a long time! Its part of our disease. and keep moving forward! And no it doesn't make me sad, mad or angry to see a post for a recoverer. It gives me hope!!!
But I know in my past life experiences I can panic more when the crisis is over. When I am in the crisis I am a Take-Charge-Kinda-Gal but afterwards I fall apart because it's then that I realize all the problems, and close calls, and damage of it, and finally feel the pain of it. (If that makes since at all.?) just keep doing what you are doing. Keep handing it over to your HP. Let your husband know you are struggling in your recovery, that its your inventory not his you are dealing with, and please give yourself a break!! It is hard and risky!. you will probably feel feelings of doubt and loss of control for a long time! Its part of our disease. and keep moving forward! And no it doesn't make me sad, mad or angry to see a post for a recoverer. It gives me hope!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 11
Wow Cece, thank you for your words! I am exactly the same way when it comes to crisises....so yes, what you wrote made complete sense to me!
I guess in a small way, I'm afraid to bring up my struggles to my hubby because I don't want to sabotage his recovery. He was so afraid that he was going to lose me (and the kids) that he decided to get the help he needed. He went on to understand his triggers, which really helps him to avoid temptation. It's not just a matter of stopping, it's a matter of knowing why he does it in the first place. Only then did he have the tools to be active in his own recovery. So I don't want to add to his guilt of what he did and the fact that it's still got a grip on me. I want him to see that what he's doing is making a huge difference.
Does that make sense? I think that writing this down is helping me to pinpoint my anxiety.
I guess in a small way, I'm afraid to bring up my struggles to my hubby because I don't want to sabotage his recovery. He was so afraid that he was going to lose me (and the kids) that he decided to get the help he needed. He went on to understand his triggers, which really helps him to avoid temptation. It's not just a matter of stopping, it's a matter of knowing why he does it in the first place. Only then did he have the tools to be active in his own recovery. So I don't want to add to his guilt of what he did and the fact that it's still got a grip on me. I want him to see that what he's doing is making a huge difference.
Does that make sense? I think that writing this down is helping me to pinpoint my anxiety.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((sad))
have you ever read Lois' story? She talks about when Bill was sober, had helped write the 12 steps & 12 traditions, started AA - going to meetings - doing the deal - everything she had wanted in her marriage and he happened to ask her on a Sunday afternoon if she was ready to go to the meeting with him and she through a shoe at him & said "damn your old meetings" (this info was taken from the book - How Al-Anon works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics pg 136)
I could so relate to that feeling - we as the wives have been affected by this disease of alcoholism. You are doing great stuff - going to meetings, giving this to your HP - but for me, it took some time to start recovering from the affects this disease had on my life.
It took writing, reaching out to other women in Al-Anon, working the 12 steps with a sponsor, reading the al-anon literature, communication with my HP and lots & lots of time -
We didn't get sick overnite - we won't get well overnite - give yourself some time.
If you didn't cause the disease of alcoholism, you can't control it or you can't cure it - then if your AH has a relapse because of his guilt that will be because of HIM & his program not because of you.
You can have recovery regardless of him & his program.
Please keep coming back - sharing with us - don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - You deserve them.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
have you ever read Lois' story? She talks about when Bill was sober, had helped write the 12 steps & 12 traditions, started AA - going to meetings - doing the deal - everything she had wanted in her marriage and he happened to ask her on a Sunday afternoon if she was ready to go to the meeting with him and she through a shoe at him & said "damn your old meetings" (this info was taken from the book - How Al-Anon works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics pg 136)
I could so relate to that feeling - we as the wives have been affected by this disease of alcoholism. You are doing great stuff - going to meetings, giving this to your HP - but for me, it took some time to start recovering from the affects this disease had on my life.
It took writing, reaching out to other women in Al-Anon, working the 12 steps with a sponsor, reading the al-anon literature, communication with my HP and lots & lots of time -
We didn't get sick overnite - we won't get well overnite - give yourself some time.
If you didn't cause the disease of alcoholism, you can't control it or you can't cure it - then if your AH has a relapse because of his guilt that will be because of HIM & his program not because of you.
You can have recovery regardless of him & his program.
Please keep coming back - sharing with us - don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - You deserve them.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sad,
It takes time. Two months is not long enough to unlearn the habitual anxieties that built up over a long time. Your brain needs to be retrained that it's okay.
Give yourself some more time and tenderness.
As for your argument...you two are partners in this marriage. You are there to help each other, educate each other, stand together against the world if need be. It sounds like he's willing to play his part in this relationship right now.
If you said something last night that you feel was unnecessarily cruel or just unnecessary, pick up the phone, call him, and apologize. Be the bigger person.
My husband and I have gotten through some really terrible situations that way, because one of us had the strength to overcome the "I have a right to do THIS because you did THAT" mentality, pick up the phone, and say "That was out of line, and I'm sorry. That's not the kind of person I want to be."
If you feel bad, tell him so.
If you're worried, tell him so, and in the same sentence tell him that you know it's irrational, and ask HIM for creative ideas on how to counter those irrational thoughts. Bring him into the process. Most men are fixers; they want to help fix things. Ask for his help, with no expectations.
Make him a partner in rebuilding your relationship. We do that by being honest AND loving in the same breath. You do love him, right? Whatever might happen tomorrow is irrelevant. Today, you can be the strong, wise, and courageous person you want to be.
Tell him how proud you are of him. When we lovingly detach, we have the freedom to do things like this, without resentment or fear of the future.
Just my two cents.
Hugs,
GL
It takes time. Two months is not long enough to unlearn the habitual anxieties that built up over a long time. Your brain needs to be retrained that it's okay.
Give yourself some more time and tenderness.
As for your argument...you two are partners in this marriage. You are there to help each other, educate each other, stand together against the world if need be. It sounds like he's willing to play his part in this relationship right now.
If you said something last night that you feel was unnecessarily cruel or just unnecessary, pick up the phone, call him, and apologize. Be the bigger person.
My husband and I have gotten through some really terrible situations that way, because one of us had the strength to overcome the "I have a right to do THIS because you did THAT" mentality, pick up the phone, and say "That was out of line, and I'm sorry. That's not the kind of person I want to be."
If you feel bad, tell him so.
If you're worried, tell him so, and in the same sentence tell him that you know it's irrational, and ask HIM for creative ideas on how to counter those irrational thoughts. Bring him into the process. Most men are fixers; they want to help fix things. Ask for his help, with no expectations.
Make him a partner in rebuilding your relationship. We do that by being honest AND loving in the same breath. You do love him, right? Whatever might happen tomorrow is irrelevant. Today, you can be the strong, wise, and courageous person you want to be.
Tell him how proud you are of him. When we lovingly detach, we have the freedom to do things like this, without resentment or fear of the future.
Just my two cents.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
You've gotten good advice from the others before me so i won't repeat it but i do want to add one thought...
please do not apologize for venting about "sober" problems....
this forum is a support for family and friends of substance abusers in any stage of the disease....the recovery stage is as fragile and can be as stressful as any other time and reaching out for ESH is so helpful....
I am sure your experience is being shared by many other partners and your comments and the responses you received will benefit others
congrats to your husband on his sober time and my prayers for you and your family to continue on the road to recovery
please do not apologize for venting about "sober" problems....
this forum is a support for family and friends of substance abusers in any stage of the disease....the recovery stage is as fragile and can be as stressful as any other time and reaching out for ESH is so helpful....
I am sure your experience is being shared by many other partners and your comments and the responses you received will benefit others
congrats to your husband on his sober time and my prayers for you and your family to continue on the road to recovery
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Again, what everyone else is saying. This is a great group huh!! Its okay to talk to him about your struggles in this also. You can't sabotage his recovery because you aren't in control of it remember? also, if you start "eggshell-walking" over talking about your feelings and responses then its no different than when you were "eggshell-walking" over his addiction. Still happy for you two though!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Great thoughts here...totally agree. A big part of recovery - both the addicts and ours, is learning to deal with emotions in a constructive and positive way. I am a firm believer that honest communication when things are not heated and emotional helps to open communication lines and rebuild trust. I think if you approach this as "this is what I am feeling and I just want to share it with you" rather than "your addiction has made me"...defenses are raised and you may find it healing for both of you.
Hugs -
Hugs -
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 11
Everyone here is the best!
Wow, this board is totally a hidden gem. I can't believe that so many complete "strangers" are so supportive and wise. Everyone here is playing a role in God's work (or whatever HP you worship ) For you I am completely grateful and thankful.
Before I posted yesterday, I had already apologized to hubby about my uncalled-for comments. He accepted the apology and we've moved on.
When he came home from work this morning, we had a heart to heart about how I'm feeling. He told me not to worry about making him feel guilty, as he already has enough of that for both of us. He takes complete responsibility for his past actions and know realizes that just because he's moved on in recovery that I may be a few steps behind in my own.
It's amazing that even after 10 years together that someone can surprise you (good or bad....). I'm just relieved that, at least for now, I can say life is on the upswing.
) For you I am completely grateful and thankful.Before I posted yesterday, I had already apologized to hubby about my uncalled-for comments. He accepted the apology and we've moved on.
When he came home from work this morning, we had a heart to heart about how I'm feeling. He told me not to worry about making him feel guilty, as he already has enough of that for both of us. He takes complete responsibility for his past actions and know realizes that just because he's moved on in recovery that I may be a few steps behind in my own.
It's amazing that even after 10 years together that someone can surprise you (good or bad....). I'm just relieved that, at least for now, I can say life is on the upswing.
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