Been awhile...
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Been awhile...
Hello dear friends,
It's been a long time since I've posted. I just wanted to say hi to everyone. I think I maybe need a SR fix.
We are divorced now. But he is still very sick. I don't have contact with him. But find out through his family and the insurance company.
I was out of the country for two months this summer. And it was an incredible time. I was happy and felt free for the first time in forever. I've been dating, going out with friends, and, over all, doing very well. But the feelings of sadness for him and what became of him still surface. I don't know what else to say right now, except that I know that not being with him is the only option but that my worry and sadness is still there almost all the time. I worry about him like he is a brother or a son. I just want him to get better. I know that he is very out of control. I'm pretty sure now that he is probably dual-diagnosis...he's just so crazy.
I am working on letting go. Giving it over. I walk around with this sadness in my heart. And I still worry. I think of him all alone, sick, drinking, crazy, and it kills me. And, of course, there's nothing I can do. I know you guys understand that. Does it get better?
I hope you are all well...happy and healthy. Big hugs,
NEG
It's been a long time since I've posted. I just wanted to say hi to everyone. I think I maybe need a SR fix.
We are divorced now. But he is still very sick. I don't have contact with him. But find out through his family and the insurance company.
I was out of the country for two months this summer. And it was an incredible time. I was happy and felt free for the first time in forever. I've been dating, going out with friends, and, over all, doing very well. But the feelings of sadness for him and what became of him still surface. I don't know what else to say right now, except that I know that not being with him is the only option but that my worry and sadness is still there almost all the time. I worry about him like he is a brother or a son. I just want him to get better. I know that he is very out of control. I'm pretty sure now that he is probably dual-diagnosis...he's just so crazy.
I am working on letting go. Giving it over. I walk around with this sadness in my heart. And I still worry. I think of him all alone, sick, drinking, crazy, and it kills me. And, of course, there's nothing I can do. I know you guys understand that. Does it get better?
I hope you are all well...happy and healthy. Big hugs,
NEG
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl 
I am working on letting go. Giving it over. I walk around with this sadness in my heart. And I still worry. I think of him all alone, sick, drinking, crazy, and it kills me. And, of course, there's nothing I can do. I know you guys understand that. Does it get better?
It has gotten better for me. I went through very similar feelings. The divorce is still going on (financial issues), but I have moved on emotionally. AH is very ill, and I have compassion for him and his disease. But I am not emotionally invested in him or his recovery, though I always hope he will find it.
For me, the final letting go was accepting I was not abandoning him, but embracing life. My sadness today is tempered with real joy.
((()))
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Ohio
Posts: 105
(((NewEnglandGirl))) I've often wondered what became of you.
Like you, I've not posted in a long while and my divorce is also final. And....similiar to how you feel, I too worry about my XH. He's finally taking action to help himself....is on antidepressants now, seeing an addiction therapist and talks of returning to AA. Even though he's taken positive action, I continue to feel sorry for him and worry what will become of him.
I'm trying to view the divorce as a gift to both of us; a real opportunity for each of us to finally have a life.....a better life.
I think we're in transition. We've both spent many years of lives dedicated to our A's and now it feels very much like turning out a young, ill-equipped adolescent into the cold, cruel world. I too, love my XH as a brother or a son.....and worrying is what I've always done best.
Here's hoping things work out for all concerned.
Love to you.
GHM
Like you, I've not posted in a long while and my divorce is also final. And....similiar to how you feel, I too worry about my XH. He's finally taking action to help himself....is on antidepressants now, seeing an addiction therapist and talks of returning to AA. Even though he's taken positive action, I continue to feel sorry for him and worry what will become of him.
I'm trying to view the divorce as a gift to both of us; a real opportunity for each of us to finally have a life.....a better life.
I think we're in transition. We've both spent many years of lives dedicated to our A's and now it feels very much like turning out a young, ill-equipped adolescent into the cold, cruel world. I too, love my XH as a brother or a son.....and worrying is what I've always done best.
Here's hoping things work out for all concerned.
Love to you.
GHM
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
NEG,
It's nice to hear from you, and I hope you will stay in touch. I'm glad to here that you are doing so well and am sure that with time and continued efforts the emotional and mental letting go will become easier.
Thanks for the update.
It's nice to hear from you, and I hope you will stay in touch. I'm glad to here that you are doing so well and am sure that with time and continued efforts the emotional and mental letting go will become easier.
Thanks for the update.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
Thanks so much for your replies
It helps knowing that I'm not the only one with these feelings!
"worrying is what I've always done best"....now there's something to ponder....hahaha...yes, I think that is me too!
"I was not abandoning him, but embracing life." yesyesyes. This will be my mantra. Thank you.
Just keep reminding myself that whether or not I'm by his side, he'd still be doing what he's doing. I am powerless to stop it. Sometimes I feel guilty, though, because I think that me leaving him was an added very heavy extra layer of pain that will only make his recovery harder. But then I remind myself that I gave him months and months to get his **** together with me there for support, and he did nothing. I think he is mentally ill. More memories have surfaced, and I wonder why I did not get worried sooner. Never crossed my mind years ago that he was really sick.
I, too, have felt moments of real joy since I've left him. What a gift.
It helps knowing that I'm not the only one with these feelings!
"worrying is what I've always done best"....now there's something to ponder....hahaha...yes, I think that is me too!
"I was not abandoning him, but embracing life." yesyesyes. This will be my mantra. Thank you.
Just keep reminding myself that whether or not I'm by his side, he'd still be doing what he's doing. I am powerless to stop it. Sometimes I feel guilty, though, because I think that me leaving him was an added very heavy extra layer of pain that will only make his recovery harder. But then I remind myself that I gave him months and months to get his **** together with me there for support, and he did nothing. I think he is mentally ill. More memories have surfaced, and I wonder why I did not get worried sooner. Never crossed my mind years ago that he was really sick.
I, too, have felt moments of real joy since I've left him. What a gift.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Nice to hear from you again, NEG. I'm glad to hear that things are going well for you and you're moving on with your life. A lot has changed in my life. Richard passed away four months ago. I'm working hard to move on with my life and I'm just starting to get back in the dating scene, which keeps things interesting. I'm also working hard not to dwell on what's happened in the past. If I do, then the sadness overwhelms me and I find myself missing Richard terribly.
I've had enough sadness in my life these past few years to last a lifetime, so I don't allow myself to dwell on the negative for very long and I don't less my sadness consume me. When I find myself slipping into negative thoughts I catch myself and take an inventory of what's good in my life now. I have much to be thankful for. I'm especially grateful that I ended up here on SR with all of you.
I've had enough sadness in my life these past few years to last a lifetime, so I don't allow myself to dwell on the negative for very long and I don't less my sadness consume me. When I find myself slipping into negative thoughts I catch myself and take an inventory of what's good in my life now. I have much to be thankful for. I'm especially grateful that I ended up here on SR with all of you.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
So sorry to hear about Richad FDM.
Yes...lots of sadness...
I know exactly what you mean about slipping into negative thoughts...and how sadness can consume you.
Sometimes I run away from the sad feelings/thoughts...and sometimes I let them come on...consume me. I'm not sure if it's healthier to block them, or feel them. I know they're there. So part of me thinks I have to recognize them by letting myself feel them completely. But I'm not so sure if this is the answer either.
Like your Gineen Roth quote says...I'm working on embracing what sustains me...
So good to hear from you...a big hug, NEG
Yes...lots of sadness...
I know exactly what you mean about slipping into negative thoughts...and how sadness can consume you.
Sometimes I run away from the sad feelings/thoughts...and sometimes I let them come on...consume me. I'm not sure if it's healthier to block them, or feel them. I know they're there. So part of me thinks I have to recognize them by letting myself feel them completely. But I'm not so sure if this is the answer either.
Like your Gineen Roth quote says...I'm working on embracing what sustains me...
So good to hear from you...a big hug, NEG
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I remember feeling the same way. When one person exhausts us and our love and efforts seemed to make no difference it makes us feel ineffective. I think it is only after we are away from it we see more clearly how we couldn't have changed it anyway. My ex was a jock, he was popular, handsome and confident.
Fast forward 20 years.....
He is a sad case. He had a great job 20 years ago which could have led to a great retirement. He got fired from that job. He lost me. He's been with one bar fly woman after the next and never married again. He has had a series of outpatient treatments that all came AFTER a scrape with the law.
His teeth are bad, his posture is bad, his haircut and clothes are outdated.
He just got fired again for calling in at his job where he worked as a clerk at a Qwik Stop.
He was supposed to have a date for our oldest sons wedding but she didn't show up.
When announced at the reception as father of the groom, he had to walk across the floor alone. I did feel sorry for him in the moment because I saw who he was and who he had become and I think he did too.
On the flip side of that 20 years later, all of the energy that I put into him seemed to make no difference but when I started spending that same energy on others, it made a huge difference to me and to them.
Fast forward 20 years.....
He is a sad case. He had a great job 20 years ago which could have led to a great retirement. He got fired from that job. He lost me. He's been with one bar fly woman after the next and never married again. He has had a series of outpatient treatments that all came AFTER a scrape with the law.
His teeth are bad, his posture is bad, his haircut and clothes are outdated.
He just got fired again for calling in at his job where he worked as a clerk at a Qwik Stop.
He was supposed to have a date for our oldest sons wedding but she didn't show up.
When announced at the reception as father of the groom, he had to walk across the floor alone. I did feel sorry for him in the moment because I saw who he was and who he had become and I think he did too.
On the flip side of that 20 years later, all of the energy that I put into him seemed to make no difference but when I started spending that same energy on others, it made a huge difference to me and to them.
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