wan2help

hi,
someone i know is going through a really hard time and I'm so glad i found this webpage, you may have saved her sanity. Well let me make a long story short, she was married to a man and things did not work out b/c he tried to keep her away from her family. She remarried a wonderful, we thought, man who promised to never hurt her. From the beggining we all saw he drank ALOT, but we really didnt want to say too much b/c when we did, she got mad. They rushed a weeding, he is a little older than her so he was ready and she was too. On several occasions he got so drunk that he would call her bitch and ***** and childish and really just get in her face. He never hurt her. The other night he was on a business trip and I was at her house. He was out drinking with the guys doing "work" and she was upset b/c they were only married for three months and she knows he CANNOT control his drinking and she wanted him to go to the hotel. He was so drunk and enraged that he screamed at her and said I'm working for YOUR lifestyle and just screaming. I said what are you doing here, leave him. He verbally abuses her time and time again. He doesn't have sex with her often, but when he does its when he wantes it and HOW he wants it. Is it normal for a man in late 20's to not want sex? She has been hurt before and this is really taking a toll on her. It has made her more insecure than ever. If you ever saw her though she is a georgeous woman. Anyways she is depressed and he blames her first marriage on the reason why she is insecure and keeping him on a leash. He says she naggs him and never wants to do what he does want to do. What he likes to do is drink and when they are alone, he wants people to join them so he can drink. He uses every excuse in the book to drink. He hates her b/c she wants him to stop drinking. He is not intimate with her and she has never felt so ugly inside and out. It hurts me to see her go through this, but I dont want her to have another divorce under the age of 25. I mean its crazy. He insists she needs counseling before he does b/c her problems are bigger than his, mind you "he doesnt have a drinking problem and can quit whenever he wants to" WTF? I mean she does have her own problems, who doesnt, but what woman wouldnt have issues if her husband of 3 months didnt touch her and pushed her away???? I need advice, we are Christians and we dont know what to hell her. If she stays it could hurt her emotionally and in the future if they have kids he will drink and drink and drink and ruin their lives to, but if she goes she didnt fight for her marriage. Through sickness and in health. I mean I dunno....tough call. Tonight she is going to show him these forums and read what many women like herselft are going through, if he says he still doesnt have a problem, I feel she needs to leave.

lovemypup

I just get really disgusted when I read where a woman or man lets their A determine their life for them. Their A determines if they are insecure, if they are happy, if they are depressed. It just makes me so mad. I guess because that is how I lived my life. Gave my AH so much power in determining how I felt and how I lived my life.

There is nothing you can do but let her know she is a beautiful person no matter what. She will have to come to her own conclusion that her A is determining how she lives her life. When she decides to do something she will.
I just hope and pray she has no children with this man. There are so many good men out there. Who cares if she has 2 divorces. She is young and it is great if she gets out of the hell early. I didn't. I would rather have 10 divorces than live that way again.

wan2help

you know your right. Thanks! She is beautiful in every way! I know she doest not need to live like this, I hope that she makes the right decision and gets out. It breaks my heart to have to see her go through this. NO children, thank GOD!!!

God Bless You & Thanks

ICU

Welcome to SR wan2help.

You sound like a nice, caring, and concerned friend. It's hard to watch someone you care about endure such things.

Suggestion for 'ya...if she knows about this forum, instead of having her husband read these threads, why don't you encourage her to post here for herself? It might be a good idea for her to reach out on her own, read other people's stories and situations, and share what she is going through with us. It might be a 'safe haven' for her to express herself without being judged or made to feel that something is wrong with her.

Additionally, I'm sensing something else is possibly going on between them and quite frankly, I fear it might back-fire on her and potentially put her at more risk as it is very possible he might get angered about this place. I could be wrong, but I prefer to err on the side of caution. Just my two cents.

Anyway, welcome to SR, and know that we will welcome her warmly here as well.

wan2help

Thanks. I have already recommended she join. It can be her "therapy," she has already contacted a counsler to have someone to talk to. What do you mean by other problems, something else going on between them? its good to hear other opinions.

thanks

ICU

Of course I don't know for sure, but comments like this lead me to wonder if verbal isn't the only abuse that might be going on.

I hope she joins us here. In the meantime, it's good that she's begun therapy. Support is so important.

Rella927

Welcome to Sr Wan2help! I'am glad that you found us!

Sorry for what your friend is dealing with and I feel it a good suggestion too that she is encouraged to post her.

There is nothing we can do for those we love-other than support. I went through a pretty harrowing situation last night-and was thanked that I was the only one there with their head screwed on straight. (Wow what an amazing feeling althought I'am a work in progress everyday) It was great to know that I'm aware in my life today even when things get crazy-I stop, I breathe and relax before I react.

We can support, we cannot change, fix or control others only ourselves. I send healing thoughts to her and to you! Welcome

wan2help

well I can only go by what she is saying, she says no and I do really hope that is the truth...
THANKS!