hmbld

Just in kind of a funk today. I can't pinpoint what is making me feel this way. Might be that my months of insomnia are taking its toll. My head is all over the place. One minute I'm up, next minute I'm down. By all accounts, things are on a fairly positive upswing. The AH has been many months sober, kid is happy. So what's wrong with me?

Anyway, mostly just writing to get my brain to start sorting it all out. Wish I had an "easy button" on my forehead to simplify things. lol

hmbld

You know what I think it might be? Got a voice msg from my 1st husband (my oldest child's father, who I divorced 12 years ago and isn't an alcoholic). He was calling to talk to me about my son's dental appointment. I think I'm afraid to talk to him because I don't want him to ask how I'm doing and what all is going on etc.. I have this vision of him doing the internal "ha ha" with regards to my "perfect life" being in the crapper.

Yes, I fully realize I'm a kook. lol

lovemypup

Maybe your just used to turmoil and now your life is too quiet. Adjust yourself.
You said your life is on a "positive upswing" so why do you vision your ex thinking your life is in the "crapper".
He won't think that unless you give him a reason too. Embrace the "upswing" part of your life and don't dwell on any bad thoughts if there not really there.

hmbld

You may be right. I've been conditioned for turmoil to happen and it isn't and my brain just isn't used to such a long upswing.

Yep, it's official, I'm nuttier than a fruitcake.

lovemypup

ha, ha, your not nutty. Your just like the rest of us! Its hard to re-condition your brain to a new way of living. You will adjust. It just takes time. I re-conditioned mine after 27 yrs of turmoil. That was a big job for me, but I did it.
Give it time and work on yourself. Enjoy the peace!

LaTeeDa

There is a pattern in my thinking that took me a while to identify, but once I recognized it, all sorts of lightbulbs starting going off. Whenever things are going good for me, I get this feeling of dread. I thought I was nuttier than a fruitcake, too. But, I believe it comes from getting my hopes up so many times, only to be disappointed. It goes way back to childhood. And, after a while, it becomes so ingrained, you can't even figure out why you feel the way you do. For me, it came from living an entire life "waiting for the other shoe to drop." And, the worst part of it is, if you start feeling like everything is crappy, even though it's not, you can almost guarantee that it soon will be. It's called self-sabotage and I am an expert at it.

Not saying that's what's going on with you, but that's what it was with me.

L

hmbld

That is EXACTLY how I feel.

I do know that I am leary of my AH's sobriety. One part of me feels that this time is different, which it is, but I just can't bring myself to get my hopes up that he's finally fully committed to a life without booze. I keep thinking that as soon as I relax and get comfortable in this life, that he's going to pull the rug out from under me and go right back to it.

It's really odd how we sabotage ourselves. Is it self protection or self destruction?

ICU

"self-sabotage"!!! I'm a member of that club!! Now that I recognize it, I can begin to work on it.

I can have really wonderful days where I feel good, I'm optomistic, doing all the right things, then boom.....back down the rollercoaster I go. I've been doing this for years, but it wasn't until about a month or two ago that I realized this 'cycle' of mine.

One 'small' way I work through that is to do at least 1 nice thing for myself everyday. I know it sounds trivial, but it can be as simple as watching a funny movie, lighting a scented candle, listening to music, having a McDonalds hamburger (ok, well, maybe that one is so very healthy, but it tastes real good), etc.

I try to balance out my rollercoaster of emotions that way. Hopefully my high days won't be so few and far between, and my low days won't be as often. I guess you could say I'm striving for balance in self care!

Again, that's just a 'small' part of my plan, but so far, it seems to be helping.

hmbld

BTW, Who needs a shrink when I have you guys? Thanks!!!

And keep it coming, you all are brilliant.

Janitw

(((((((((((hmbld))))))))))))))

I think we all were or are addicted to chaos......not just the alcoholic....they are our form of entertainment....lol Yup....we are all self sabatogers.....lol

LaTeeDa

Well, in my case I would have to say self destruction. It felt like I was protecting myself, always being on guard for whatever bad things might happen. In reality, all that dreading and worrying didn't stop anything from happening. Sure, I might have convinced myself that at least I was prepared for it, but eventually that turns into feeling like I deserve it. Sort of like, see, I knew it was too good to be true, and I was right!

Not only that, but living in that state of worry, dread, anxiousness, or whatever was wrecking my life, one day at a time. Each and every day I worried about the future, I failed to enjoy the present! It's tough to change your thinking, but I try very hard to live in the now and enjoy it. Bad things still happen sometimes, but at least I don't waste my time worrying about them before they do.

It's okay to enjoy life. It's okay to feel good and allow good things to happen. What a concept!

L

minnie

Ya know, it's not surprising that you feel like this. After all, that's what you've been taught by him, no? Why should now be any different?

Well, it can be. I know it because others have told me, not by my own experience I'm afraid. I couldn't live like that which is why I cut and run.

hmbld

I never quite looked at it that way before, but you are absolutely right. Thank you so much for putting it in perspective. Now the hard part. How do I stop feeling this way? At this point it is essentially a subconscious reaction. How does one re-train their brain?

hmbld

I've not cut and run because the good still outweighs the bad.

LaTeeDa

It's not easy. And it doesn't happen overnight. Essentially, you live in the now. You appreciate all the good things in your life RIGHT NOW. And you learn about yourself (the good and the bad) so that you can recognize what you do and why you do it. You become grateful for what you have and learn to treat yourself well. You take yourself out of situations that are not good for you, or you remove people and circumstances from your life that are not good for you. You learn to trust yourself and the instincts that are meant to protect you. You do what is best for you even if others don't like it. You stop trying to control people and things you have no control over and start controlling your own life. It sounds simple, and I guess really it is. But, it's not easy.

I remember a training seminar I went to once for work related stress. They said to picture all the things that cause stress in your life. Then sort them out in order of distance from you. All the things that are beyond the reach of your arms are out of your control. The only things you can control are the things within arms reach. Two circles. One large circle that encompasses everything in your life that causes you stress, and one small cirlce that is no larger than a hula-hoop (I think I just dated myself ) around your body. Concentrate on the small circle. Control the things you can control and let the rest go. When you can actually do that, you will feel a huge sense of relief.

L

gypsyrose

Can relate to the drama issue. Grew up with it and the one relationship I had that wasn't drama filled... I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't happy and didn't know why, I needed an excuse to be unhappy and so I created drama by leaving this nice guy for someone who gave me more drama than I knew what to do with. Left him because of abuse and thought I'd had enough drama at that point. On the other hand, believed I'd never be comfortable with a nice guy from a normal family... "he'd never understand me." I thought I'd found balance with my AH. He'd overcome as much as me. I didn't know about the alcohol. I didn't know about a lot of things. Still, even now, I can't imagine being able to relate to anyone better than I have with AH... when he's not being an abusive jerk... We're going on two months of his being... hard to deal with. That's another post.