suzieq1972

I haven't posted in a while, I've been focusing on work and me and my son. He has lots of soocer practices and games and then there's football practice and games too. I don't know how we do it all!!

I don't know if everyone remembers or not, but my AH went to a psych hospital for four days back at the beginning of July (after a 2 week stay in rehab in May). The day he came home he ate supper, went to a NA meeting and then went out and got drunk and bought pills. At first he was not interested in coming home, so he basically abandoned us. Of course there were promises of getting a job and giving me money to pay the bills and so forth. None of that ever happened.

For the past month or so he has called several times asking to come back home. Every time I have asked him if he is still drinking and taking pills. Each time he answers yes. He's even gotten to the point where he doesn't call anymore just because I don't call him. He's even stopped calling our son. He thinks our son should call him. I did talk to him last Saturday night, he couldn't reach us at home and our son didn't answer his cell phone. When he finally did get in touch with us, he has the nerve to tell me that he feels abandoned by his family!!!! I'm sorry, who left who? He does acknowledge that he left but says I won't let him come home so now it's my fault.

I have explained to him several times what I need from him in order for him to come home. 1). Get away from the person he's staying with, 2). Get some kind of help (whether it's rehab or going to meetings, etc) and 3). Stay with his Dad so we can work things out (marriage and family counseling). He says he doesn't think he should have to give in to my DEMANDS!!!!!! I'm sorry I don't see them as demands, just things that I see need to be done to repair our broken marriage. So now after 15 years of marriage he tells me that we've always done things my way and he doesn't think that it should continue to be that way. WTF???

I have been so torn over what I should do. Everyone I talk to says to just let him go, but it's hard to let go of someone you love. I understand I can't fix him. My parents are helping me with the bills, but they can't do that forever. I know telling him I'm done will be a huge fight (I guess I'm afraid of that). And then there's our son.

He thinks that if I let him come home it will change everything. I've even considered it believe it or not. I know he won't change if I let him back in. He'll do the same things just in the comfort of his own home.

Sometimes I just want to scream!!!!

Oh yeah, just remembered I did leave him a message on Monday to tell him about our sons football game (because he didn't answer his phone). During the game he called to ask how everything was going. I told him that J hadn't played much...he's the kicker. He asked me to tell him to call him when we got home. So we get home about 1 1/2 hrs later and J calls him. They talk for a few minutes and hang up. I asked how it went and he says "Dad was drunk". He couldn't even stay sober long enough for his own son to call him.

Sometimes I wonder!!!

cagefree

Okay - so you made a few boundaries and made them clear to him as to what your needs are...good for you!

Doesn't sound like he is respecting you boundaries and needs or chooses to even acknowledge them.

I think you know what you should do...hang in there Suzie! Hugs

denny57

I learned I could love someone and not live with them. After not living with them and the chaos of alcohol, I realized my definition of love had been skewed. Love is not rescuing.

((()))

parentrecovers

i tried this with my addicted daughter. it did not change a thing. actually just made the whole thing worse (for me anyway...)

blessings, k

Buffalo66

great job on the clear boundaries. Do not let him back in until he can prove sobriety.At least your son is getting a clear picture of what is up. This can be a good thing. Keep on keepin on...B66

minnie

Hon, these kinda sound like rules rather than boundaries. I have found that boundaries are more effective when they start "I......" and then end with a consequence. To give you some of mine as examples, I will not live with an active alcoholic, therefore I will move out/ask you to move out if you are drinking. I will not be spoken to in an agressive manner, therefore I will hang up the phone/leave the room/walk away if you do so.

I don't have the right to say how someone else should fix their problems and I can only make suggestions if I am asked. I can only say what I prepared to accept in my life - it's up to others to work out how to be a part of my life should they wish.

Given that he has made it clear that he wishes to continue his path, how do you want to live YOUR life? And how can you make that happen?

fluffyflea

No, don't let him come home.


Ngaire

Barbara52

How old is your son? Have you gotten him to AlaTeen or individual counseling? I'm sure it would help him understand everything that is going on.

Be strong. Do not let you concerns for your AH cause you to forget that your first concern is yourself and your son.