Just the Facts. Benzo blues.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
Just the Facts. Benzo blues.
Hi everyone. My name is Timmy (I am female), live in NJ, and I'm having a really tough time with benzos, Xanax to be specific. This has been an on and again and off again for about 6 or 7 years, however in the last I would say four years it's been on.
I would say my addiction is physcological more than physical. Typical triggers are (in order) are boredom, aggravation, before having to do something stressful, and having large amounts of money. I'm a binger, I don't take one or two pills...more like a fist full. Okay, that's an a bit of an overstatement but it is a lot. I would say 30 pills will last me about 2 maaaybe 3 days. I know, and understand the danger in this. I know. I have blacked out, have done absolutely ridiculous things (I planned an entire party and don't remember one thing), I start arguements because I just fly completely off the handle about very minute things. Oh and did I mention I tell ALL my business. When I come back from "vacation" people ask me or tell me about things I said that I would NEVER tell ANYONE, and of course I do not remember.
Then once it's all said and done I have to deal with the withdrawal. Or what I think is withdrawal. Insomnia, persistent and constant worrying and feelings of doom, and I turn into a hermit. Takes about a week to go away, and when it does I'm usually scouting for more, OR I will sub with alcohol. It relieves some of the anxiety but this is clearly not the right choice. And yes, I know...alcohol and xanax work on the same part of the brain.
Now, here is where I hit the wall. No one has an addiciton quite like mine. Some people might be dependent but not addicted. I also get my head bitten off when I say anything different than just that. People I have met take benzos for maintainance but not a full blown binger like myself.
I wish and I hope that I can just find one...just one person that can relate to me. I feel that it would help a lot along with other things. I feel like I am in my own personal hell and this just fuels the fire.
Has anyone gone through, or is going through this?? Please share with me. Maybe we can help each other.
I would say my addiction is physcological more than physical. Typical triggers are (in order) are boredom, aggravation, before having to do something stressful, and having large amounts of money. I'm a binger, I don't take one or two pills...more like a fist full. Okay, that's an a bit of an overstatement but it is a lot. I would say 30 pills will last me about 2 maaaybe 3 days. I know, and understand the danger in this. I know. I have blacked out, have done absolutely ridiculous things (I planned an entire party and don't remember one thing), I start arguements because I just fly completely off the handle about very minute things. Oh and did I mention I tell ALL my business. When I come back from "vacation" people ask me or tell me about things I said that I would NEVER tell ANYONE, and of course I do not remember.
Then once it's all said and done I have to deal with the withdrawal. Or what I think is withdrawal. Insomnia, persistent and constant worrying and feelings of doom, and I turn into a hermit. Takes about a week to go away, and when it does I'm usually scouting for more, OR I will sub with alcohol. It relieves some of the anxiety but this is clearly not the right choice. And yes, I know...alcohol and xanax work on the same part of the brain.
Now, here is where I hit the wall. No one has an addiciton quite like mine. Some people might be dependent but not addicted. I also get my head bitten off when I say anything different than just that. People I have met take benzos for maintainance but not a full blown binger like myself.
I wish and I hope that I can just find one...just one person that can relate to me. I feel that it would help a lot along with other things. I feel like I am in my own personal hell and this just fuels the fire.
Has anyone gone through, or is going through this?? Please share with me. Maybe we can help each other.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Ms Timmy -
I'm an acloholic myself - just popping in to say a hell to you and welcome you to SR. You might want to take a look over in the 'Substnce Abuse' forums and read the sticky's on the top of the forums. There's a wealth of information here, and great great people.
And we're all about helping each other.
Stick around - someone will be on in a bit that knows more about this than I do.
I'm an acloholic myself - just popping in to say a hell to you and welcome you to SR. You might want to take a look over in the 'Substnce Abuse' forums and read the sticky's on the top of the forums. There's a wealth of information here, and great great people.
And we're all about helping each other.
Stick around - someone will be on in a bit that knows more about this than I do.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I use to binge on xanax a long time ago. I would get really violent and aggressive.
Try and argue with anyone and try and fist fight groups of people. Blacked out a few times. I never got to where I needed or had to have them tho. I just took them because they were there. And I took alot of them.
My exboyfriends brother use to eat alot of them as well. At the age of 18...He got into an arguement with his best friend after a party where he had eaten a bunch of xanax. Well the arguemant turned physical and my ex's brother ended up beating his friend to death. He was so out of it he was still beating the body when the cops showed up. he doesnt remember any of it. He is now doing natural life which is life without parole for 2nd degree murder. He is now 28. He just turned 18 when he went to prison.
Get help.
Glad you are here.
Try and argue with anyone and try and fist fight groups of people. Blacked out a few times. I never got to where I needed or had to have them tho. I just took them because they were there. And I took alot of them.
My exboyfriends brother use to eat alot of them as well. At the age of 18...He got into an arguement with his best friend after a party where he had eaten a bunch of xanax. Well the arguemant turned physical and my ex's brother ended up beating his friend to death. He was so out of it he was still beating the body when the cops showed up. he doesnt remember any of it. He is now doing natural life which is life without parole for 2nd degree murder. He is now 28. He just turned 18 when he went to prison.
Get help.
Glad you are here.
one of many
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Ellisville, FL
Posts: 200
I used to binge on benzos whenever I could find them. Very scary thing as I would frequently mix them with alcohol. Xanax was the one that did the most damage. There were some nights that I would abuse xanax and literally wake up 3 days later with no recollection of what I had done or where I had been. I can vouch for the increased aggressiveness. I am probably the most chill person on earth, but on xanax, valium, colonipin, you name it, I'll get irritable and angry over the smallest of things. There is a way out of the madness. You need to get help or it will only get worse. Keep hanging around here ok?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Hi Timmy!
Welcome to SR. You'll find some really great people on here.
I was addicted to Xanax for a couple of years. I don't want to say the quantity I'd take but I was taking allot.
Eventually Xanax cost me my relationship with my girl-friend. It was only then that I decided to quit it.
As you say, withdrawl from Xanax lasts about a week. And it's horrible! I quit cold turkey, which I know isn't advised.
When I was withdrawing I just stayed at home for the entire week alternating between the sofa and the bed. I only went out just a couple of times that week just to see if the doctor could give me anything for the withdrawl symptoms. I had very servere anxiety during that week. I couldn't sleep much. I was shaking so bad. I could hear my heart beating. I was sweating. I lost my appitite for about 2 or 3 weeks and lost 20lbs/10kg. It was horrible, but in retrospect it was neccesary.
After I quit my Xanax vice I was very nervous and I wasn't sleeping much, so I resorted to self-medicating with alcohol (which I'd quit 6 and half years earlier, as I'm an alcoholic). That wasn't very wise because I was heading for distruction.
I then had a relapse with the Xanax for a couple of weeks. One night I accidently had a Xanax + alcohol OD. I then quit the Xanax again.
I see you also mix Xanax and alcohol. That's very dangerous. Xanax alone in large quantities is dangerous.
Before I couldn't be around people if I wasn't on benzos. I just couldn't deal with my anxiety. In the end it got so bad I couldn't even be around my girlfriend if I wasn't on Xanax. No wonder she left me....
Now it's ok. I'm not drinking and I'm not on any medication. I feel quite at ease with people nowadays. I'm fine with people I know and I'm really good at one-on-one situations, but if I'm in a group of say 5 or more people I get all weird and don't say much. I'm a very shy and reserved person by nature.
If you want to quit may I suggest you talk to a doctor, so that they'll be able to reccomend if in your case it would be better to go cold turkey or to decrease your dose progressivly over a period of months.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Welcome to SR. You'll find some really great people on here.
I was addicted to Xanax for a couple of years. I don't want to say the quantity I'd take but I was taking allot.
Eventually Xanax cost me my relationship with my girl-friend. It was only then that I decided to quit it.
As you say, withdrawl from Xanax lasts about a week. And it's horrible! I quit cold turkey, which I know isn't advised.
When I was withdrawing I just stayed at home for the entire week alternating between the sofa and the bed. I only went out just a couple of times that week just to see if the doctor could give me anything for the withdrawl symptoms. I had very servere anxiety during that week. I couldn't sleep much. I was shaking so bad. I could hear my heart beating. I was sweating. I lost my appitite for about 2 or 3 weeks and lost 20lbs/10kg. It was horrible, but in retrospect it was neccesary.
After I quit my Xanax vice I was very nervous and I wasn't sleeping much, so I resorted to self-medicating with alcohol (which I'd quit 6 and half years earlier, as I'm an alcoholic). That wasn't very wise because I was heading for distruction.
I then had a relapse with the Xanax for a couple of weeks. One night I accidently had a Xanax + alcohol OD. I then quit the Xanax again.
I see you also mix Xanax and alcohol. That's very dangerous. Xanax alone in large quantities is dangerous.
Before I couldn't be around people if I wasn't on benzos. I just couldn't deal with my anxiety. In the end it got so bad I couldn't even be around my girlfriend if I wasn't on Xanax. No wonder she left me....
Now it's ok. I'm not drinking and I'm not on any medication. I feel quite at ease with people nowadays. I'm fine with people I know and I'm really good at one-on-one situations, but if I'm in a group of say 5 or more people I get all weird and don't say much. I'm a very shy and reserved person by nature.
If you want to quit may I suggest you talk to a doctor, so that they'll be able to reccomend if in your case it would be better to go cold turkey or to decrease your dose progressivly over a period of months.
Let us know how you're getting on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
OMG thank goodness someone understands this. I thought it would never happen. Yes, Xanax will do horrific things. The violence...I thought it was just me. My husband would say something a little out of line and all hell will break loose. I have throw out complete dinners, pulled down our bookcase and everything fell on the floor, throwing televisions YES televisions off stands, smacked my husband in the face over and over again until he snapped and choked me. On 9/11 I was having a crying fit...I called my uncle crying and crying and crying...just abnormally excessive. My uncle is a parole officer..he had to have known I was on something.
The blackouts. I have written emails to people that are very odd and out of character. Misspelled words, not difficult ones...something like confushun. I know how to spell confusion. The party I planned while I was on vacation well its this Saturday, and I don't know who is coming, what arrangements I have made...nothing. I have been putting on a charade that I know what's going on, but I don't. I have lost jobs behind this, friends behind this, my dignity behind this. What's even worse I haven't even scratched the surface...it gets so much worse.
Then I fool myself into thinking that this time I will able to contol it. This is the last refill I swear. I've told my dealer do not give me nothing else. That lasted all of two months. I have became the master of deception and manipulation, and I detest it. What I need to do is get myself to an AA or NA meeting. I need to purge this mess. I have kept this bottled up for years and it's starting to manifest itself in very ugly and dangerous ways. I think what will be my saving grace is someone who understands. Not people that would ridicule me because I take so many xanax, and that I'm going to die, and that we're not addicts...we are dependents. I mean really when it comes down to brass tacks isnt it the same?
I can be that young man that went to prison for life. That can be me. I have said to myself "I'm going to really get into something really bad, really soon". Your shares are great and terrific. It gives others some insight about what benzos are really about. It's not all coke and pepsi...these are nasty.little.pills. Please keep sharing...I thank you so much.
The blackouts. I have written emails to people that are very odd and out of character. Misspelled words, not difficult ones...something like confushun. I know how to spell confusion. The party I planned while I was on vacation well its this Saturday, and I don't know who is coming, what arrangements I have made...nothing. I have been putting on a charade that I know what's going on, but I don't. I have lost jobs behind this, friends behind this, my dignity behind this. What's even worse I haven't even scratched the surface...it gets so much worse.
Then I fool myself into thinking that this time I will able to contol it. This is the last refill I swear. I've told my dealer do not give me nothing else. That lasted all of two months. I have became the master of deception and manipulation, and I detest it. What I need to do is get myself to an AA or NA meeting. I need to purge this mess. I have kept this bottled up for years and it's starting to manifest itself in very ugly and dangerous ways. I think what will be my saving grace is someone who understands. Not people that would ridicule me because I take so many xanax, and that I'm going to die, and that we're not addicts...we are dependents. I mean really when it comes down to brass tacks isnt it the same?
I can be that young man that went to prison for life. That can be me. I have said to myself "I'm going to really get into something really bad, really soon". Your shares are great and terrific. It gives others some insight about what benzos are really about. It's not all coke and pepsi...these are nasty.little.pills. Please keep sharing...I thank you so much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
Yes Aldo, I concur. The withdrawal is bad business all the way around. Let's say you have 60 xanax, and you take all 60 in say...four days. Well, the next seven is going to be pure hell. Anxiety is magnified to millionth power. Racing thoughts. Irrational thoughts. Sleep..what's that? I have been awake for almost 24 hours. Irritabilty. Snappy and anxious. Sometimes it gets so bad that I have to drink a beer to take the edge off, and I'm not much of a drinker. Then slowly...slowly things get back to normal. A few weeks will pass and I'm back at it. So the moral of the story is that you don't have to be taking xanax for years to experience withdrawal. It can happen in a matter of days...if you abuse them.
I'm a Pickle
.gif)
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 300
Wow....I cant believe you planned a whole party!?? Did you have someone to tell you what you planned? It would almost be funny if it wasn't so sad. I have been through the blackouts (with alcohol though) and totally know how you feel about not remembering. It is the worst feeling in the world and no matter how hard you try to scrape your brain, you just cant remember. Maybe you should just spread the word that the party is cancelled? I think that might be best for you at the moment, just my opinion..... This thread has really given me a lot of info about Xanax. I had NO idea....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: MI
Posts: 132
Ms.Timmy --
I had a girlfriend who was prescribed xanax for only 30 days. After 30 days she said she was lookign everywhere...even online for more. Her mom thankfully caught her and put a stop to it.
My xabf has done terrible and extremely out of character things on xanax. He's off and on for about 9 yrs now I think...making sandwhiches out of chicken wings? (bones & all), writing emails to other people/other women - describing himself and situations that did not occur. He once believed he was in a shoot out in Detroit? NO RECOLLECTION. All from xanax. He also mixed alcohol often.
If it's any consolation - he is addicted not dependent. Absolutely. And he follows your same cycle...binging for 3-4 days, gets clean, goes through terrible withdrawl, starts to feel ok again and goes looking for more.
I think a VERY intensive program including counseling, meetings, drug tests, is the only optin to fight this drug head on
Good Luck, you can make this happen! Keep coming back to SR for support
I had a girlfriend who was prescribed xanax for only 30 days. After 30 days she said she was lookign everywhere...even online for more. Her mom thankfully caught her and put a stop to it.
My xabf has done terrible and extremely out of character things on xanax. He's off and on for about 9 yrs now I think...making sandwhiches out of chicken wings? (bones & all), writing emails to other people/other women - describing himself and situations that did not occur. He once believed he was in a shoot out in Detroit? NO RECOLLECTION. All from xanax. He also mixed alcohol often.
If it's any consolation - he is addicted not dependent. Absolutely. And he follows your same cycle...binging for 3-4 days, gets clean, goes through terrible withdrawl, starts to feel ok again and goes looking for more.
I think a VERY intensive program including counseling, meetings, drug tests, is the only optin to fight this drug head on
Good Luck, you can make this happen! Keep coming back to SR for support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
I guess for a little comic relief:
I have, gone on job interviews and gotten jobs. Contributed valuable information to a company I used to work for that saved them money and they changed their entire policy. Done my taxes (and other peoples might I add) and did a pretty good job. Found deductions, and managed to save some money and it was all legal. Took my SAT's. One time my husband and I was on the NJ Tpke and a rock hit our gas tank, and there was a huge hole. Well, I managed to get a rental, dropped my husband to work, took myself to work, (this where it gets hazy) drove to Staten Island or Queens to get a used gas tank that was 75.00 as opposed to a new one that would cost 200.00. Arranged for AAA to pick up the car and have it towed, dropped off of the gas tank all in one day. And did I mention that I told my boss that this gas tank issue needed to be handled right away, and I need to bring my cubemate with me. I said we would be back in an hour. How about we never made it back that day. All of this, completely high. Everything I've said people have told me, or I've gotten phone calls. This productiveness (if you want to call it that) usually occurs about a day or two in. Then its all down hill. Also, the "good" outcomes are waaaaay out numbered by the bad one's.
I can't cancel the party. Apparently I really got busy. I have RSVP responses, I rented chairs and a table
told the neighbors all about it, accepted money from my MIL to contribute to the bill (its my husbands 30th birthday)...geesh what a mess. I have managed to "cue" people into telling what the heck is going on. It has worked thus far. If it doesn't get any crazier I think I can handle it...just as long a man doesn't show up with a horse for pony rides. Yikes...but oddly enough I wouldn't be surprised.
I have, gone on job interviews and gotten jobs. Contributed valuable information to a company I used to work for that saved them money and they changed their entire policy. Done my taxes (and other peoples might I add) and did a pretty good job. Found deductions, and managed to save some money and it was all legal. Took my SAT's. One time my husband and I was on the NJ Tpke and a rock hit our gas tank, and there was a huge hole. Well, I managed to get a rental, dropped my husband to work, took myself to work, (this where it gets hazy) drove to Staten Island or Queens to get a used gas tank that was 75.00 as opposed to a new one that would cost 200.00. Arranged for AAA to pick up the car and have it towed, dropped off of the gas tank all in one day. And did I mention that I told my boss that this gas tank issue needed to be handled right away, and I need to bring my cubemate with me. I said we would be back in an hour. How about we never made it back that day. All of this, completely high. Everything I've said people have told me, or I've gotten phone calls. This productiveness (if you want to call it that) usually occurs about a day or two in. Then its all down hill. Also, the "good" outcomes are waaaaay out numbered by the bad one's.
I can't cancel the party. Apparently I really got busy. I have RSVP responses, I rented chairs and a table
told the neighbors all about it, accepted money from my MIL to contribute to the bill (its my husbands 30th birthday)...geesh what a mess. I have managed to "cue" people into telling what the heck is going on. It has worked thus far. If it doesn't get any crazier I think I can handle it...just as long a man doesn't show up with a horse for pony rides. Yikes...but oddly enough I wouldn't be surprised.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
My xabf has done terrible and extremely out of character things on xanax. He's off and on for about 9 yrs now I think...making sandwhiches out of chicken wings? (bones & all),
Wow bones and all?!
How did you discover that??
Wow bones and all?!
How did you discover that??
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: London UK
Posts: 1
Hi Miss TimmyV,
Your post is so familar - it's what i've been doing for the past year. I use for about 4 days out of 30, I don't know how many 20, 30 a day or more. I've ended up in the emergency ward 4 times in the past 2 weeks, arrrested once (i didn't remember that one until the cops called 2 days later!) and I'm just 9 days off my last binge. Still got the tremors, still got my job - just about got my family. What I've definately lost is sanity. I know where "just 4" pills will lead too but do them anyway. I've been going to NA meetings now for about 5 weeks and although I ****** up just over a week ago I've kept coming back as I need to build some barriers between me and the "xanax" me. I hope you get through it. I'll keep y'all posted on my progress.
flats
Your post is so familar - it's what i've been doing for the past year. I use for about 4 days out of 30, I don't know how many 20, 30 a day or more. I've ended up in the emergency ward 4 times in the past 2 weeks, arrrested once (i didn't remember that one until the cops called 2 days later!) and I'm just 9 days off my last binge. Still got the tremors, still got my job - just about got my family. What I've definately lost is sanity. I know where "just 4" pills will lead too but do them anyway. I've been going to NA meetings now for about 5 weeks and although I ****** up just over a week ago I've kept coming back as I need to build some barriers between me and the "xanax" me. I hope you get through it. I'll keep y'all posted on my progress.
flats
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Hi Mr Flats!
Welcome to SR! You've come to a really good place. I'm not here for my Benzo issue, as I've got over that, but I'm an alcoholic so I'm here for that.
You'll find that there are great people on here who often have really good advice to share.
Let us know how you get on.
Good luck.
Welcome to SR! You've come to a really good place. I'm not here for my Benzo issue, as I've got over that, but I'm an alcoholic so I'm here for that.
You'll find that there are great people on here who often have really good advice to share.
Let us know how you get on.
Good luck.
outtahere
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 519
Hi MstimmyV,
You're taking a big step in getting out of benzoland (Xanax is a benzo). Do you have any plan for getting off them? Tapering is probably the best (and safest) way. There is a lot of information around here for tapering off benzos.
Those times that you really shined is just what you are capable of and the drugs just make you think it is something really exceptional of you. IMO
You're taking a big step in getting out of benzoland (Xanax is a benzo). Do you have any plan for getting off them? Tapering is probably the best (and safest) way. There is a lot of information around here for tapering off benzos.
Those times that you really shined is just what you are capable of and the drugs just make you think it is something really exceptional of you. IMO
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
I wanted to quickly address my post above. I in no way am being boastful. These are things that people do on a day to day basis. I just wanted illistrate how much you can do, and not remember any of it while abusing xanax. You can wind up talking yourself into a whole lot of trouble too. Also,the thing about xanax is it tricks you into thinking that you are a savvy deal maker however, your face looks lazy, your slurring your speech, and not making much sense. Yes, the small accomplishments that I did manage to make were nestled deeply in a lot of muck and mire. Sure, I might have done my and other peoples taxes, but I probably had a screaming match with my husband, had about 15 weird telephone conversations (or else how would be I being doing a bunch of taxes), if I had of been sober it would have taken me half the time to do it instead of how long it took me to do it high. Oh, and I will would be only doing my own. So please don't think that I think Xanax gives me some sort of power because I don't and it doesn't. It makes you a mess of a person (including me!) and believe me, you are not shining. Not by the slightest stretch of the imagination.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
